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Topic : Abuse

Number of Replies: 27088
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 04:59:59 pm
Author : dataimport

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August 8, 2005, 9:13 am CDT

Interesting study...

In a study published by Psychology Today.com  (http://articles.health.msn.com/id/100108044)

  

 

Women are biologically more likely to get depressed and the stress from depression is physically harmful!  Here is an interesting excerpt:

  

 

“As director of the Virginia Institute for Psychiatric and Behavioral Genetics at Virginia Commonwealth University , Kenneth S. Kendler, M.D., presides over "the best natural experiment that God has given us to study gender differences"—thousands of pairs of opposite-sex twins. He finds a significant difference between men and women in their response to low levels of adversity. He says, "Women have the capacity to be precipitated into depressive episodes at lower levels of stress."

  

 

Adding injury to insult, women's bodies respond to stress differently than do men's. They pour out higher levels of stress hormones and fail to shut off production readily. The female sex hormone progesterone blocks the normal ability of the stress hormone system to turn itself off. Sustained exposure to stress hormones kills brain cells, especially in the hippocampus, which is crucial to memory.

  

 

It's bad enough that females are set up biologically to internally amplify their negative life experiences. They are prone to it psychologically as well, finds University of Michigan psychologist Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, Ph.D.

  

 

Women ruminate over upsetting situations, going over and over negative thoughts and feelings, especially if they have to do with relationships. Too often they get caught in downward spirals of hopelessness and despair.

  

 

It's entirely possible that women are biologically primed to be highly sensitive to relationships. Eons ago it might have helped alert them to the possibility of abandonment while they were busy raising the children. Today, however, there's a clear downside. Ruminators are unpleasant to be around, with their oversize need for reassurance. Of course, men have their own ways of inadvertently fending off people. As pronounced as the female tilt to depression is the male excess of alcoholism, drug abuse and antisocial behaviors.”

  

 

  

 
August 8, 2005, 9:28 am CDT

How old is she?

Quote From: gaktstoner

yesterday my daughter walked past her father and he goosed her butt.  She spun around and screamed at him"don't do that to me!"  and he just laughed.  I am concerned.................................................................................

When I was younger, my Dad used to pick at me all the time.  By pick, I mean, grab my knee and give me a "horse bite", squeeze my fingers, tickle and just generally pester the heck out of me.  I would ALWAYS laugh. tell him to "quit it" and sometimes I'd get mad too.  I knew it was his way of showing affection.  And admittedly, I do this to my kids.  But my Dad never goosed me and the closer I got to "growing up" even hugging became less and less. 

  

That is probably all that was happening with your daughter's Dad -- his way of showing affection and I'm sure he meant NOTHING sexual by it. 

  

BUT... As a young girl approaches puberty, that kind of behavior from Dad becomes unacceptable. 

  

And you and your daughter are the best judges of what is acceptable.  So if that were MY daughter, I'd be having a frank discussion with him about stopping what MIGHT be perceived the wrong way.  In addition it may be VERY embarassing to your daughter and if so, Dad REALLY needs to respect his daughter's boundary. 

  

If he can't or doesn't listen, bring it up at y'all's GROUP counseling session. 

 
August 8, 2005, 9:40 am CDT

she's 10 yrs old

Quote From: qqqhhh

When I was younger, my Dad used to pick at me all the time.  By pick, I mean, grab my knee and give me a "horse bite", squeeze my fingers, tickle and just generally pester the heck out of me.  I would ALWAYS laugh. tell him to "quit it" and sometimes I'd get mad too.  I knew it was his way of showing affection.  And admittedly, I do this to my kids.  But my Dad never goosed me and the closer I got to "growing up" even hugging became less and less. 

  

That is probably all that was happening with your daughter's Dad -- his way of showing affection and I'm sure he meant NOTHING sexual by it. 

  

BUT... As a young girl approaches puberty, that kind of behavior from Dad becomes unacceptable. 

  

And you and your daughter are the best judges of what is acceptable.  So if that were MY daughter, I'd be having a frank discussion with him about stopping what MIGHT be perceived the wrong way.  In addition it may be VERY embarassing to your daughter and if so, Dad REALLY needs to respect his daughter's boundary. 

  

If he can't or doesn't listen, bring it up at y'all's GROUP counseling session. 

and this has happened before where he "gooses" her butt and she tells him not to do that to her.  He treats her much the way he treats me-with disrespect.  He seems to ignore others boundaries and he so totally favors our 12 yr old son.  I am emotioanlly drained and hope  our pre-trial court date on the 25th is productive somehow. But I'm not holding my breath.................................... 
 
August 8, 2005, 9:56 am CDT

To alerri…

Welcome to the board.

  

 

  

 

First let me tell you how sorry I am that you were raped.  Bad things happen.  And I know you are having a terrifically tough time.

  

 

  

 

I also feel compelled to challenge some of your thinking.  Please understand that I do tend to be blunt, but my intention is NOT to cause you further harm.  My intention is help clear up some of your confusion.

  

 

  

 

When you wrote that your hubby is a “great husband”, I’ve got to tell you that any hubby who forces his wife to have sex against her wishes and or engages in sex while she is drugged, is NOT a great husband, okay?  He is NOT A GREAT ANYTHING to harm his own wife in such a way. 

  

 

Also if sex is painful for you, have you been to your gynecologist?  There may be an explanation such as endimetriosis or something else causing your problems and, if you haven’t, you really should discuss this with your doc.  Rule out the medical. 

  

 

I understand that your sons love their Dad.  Of course they do.  My sons love their Dad too, BUT I had NO BUSINESS continuing my relationship with their Dad because he could NOT control himself, he abused me and he was not going to respect my boundaries.  I stayed WAY longer than I should have for the SAME reason you are.  I should have left and stayed gone.

  

 

  

 

You are putting yourself at a HUGE risk and I strongly urge you to reconsider the thought that you remain in that home.  If your children need to see their Dad, work out a schedule where they get to see him often, but YOU need to LEAVE.  Before you leave, you need a plan. 

  

 

IT is not YOU who is tearing your family apart (tearing your self apart by staying, yes) but the blame for tearing your family apart is your PARTNERS.

  

 

  

 

Let me ask you this question:  if you stay, how are YOU going to get better? 

  

 

  

 

Abuse escalates and from what you’ve written his sexual abuse of you has already been escalating.  That is not good for you, it is certainly NOT good for your children.  They NEED a HEALTHY, WHOLE MOM!

  

 

  

 

At a minimum I suggest you get counseling – ASAP.  Counseling was the single best thing that helped me cope while I stayed in my abusive relationship AND it was the best thing I did to recover and heal.  Make an appointment TODAY!!!

  

 

  

 

Handling it better IS NOT the answer.  You know it and I know it.

  

 

  

 

If you keep this a secret, your family is going to fall apart anyway.  Maybe not today or tomorrow, but it WILL.  And you may end up having a nervous breakdown or worse.  How is that going to help your children?

  

 

  

 

Be MORE gentle with your self.

  

 

Q

  

 

  

 
August 8, 2005, 10:08 am CDT

Gak, honey...

Quote From: gaktstoner

yesterday i phoned the court appointed family therapist and made an appt for the children to see him in the afternoon-he also felt it was a good idea given the weeks incidents.  i e-mailed my h to let him know.  he sent an e-mail back to me "how dare i make that type of decision regarding our children without his input and he can't be at the appt bc of a meeting and he insists on being at the childrens appts."!  I phone the therapist back and my h had already phoned him.  the therapist said that he tried to encouraged  my h to have the children come in, they needed to be seen by him, asap.  He said to me that i am the parent looking out for the childrens best interst and that he encourages me to keep the appt.  I e-mailed my attorney and she agreed i should keep the appt.  SOOOOO, i took the children to the appt.  My h showed up and dropped off an envelope for the therapist and left for his meeting.  the therapist said that the children opened up to him and he was glad that i brought them in.  After the appt, my d went to cheer, my son went to a friends house and i went to DV for a support group!  my h was at the court appointed "parenting classes" we had to attend. when i got home there was another e-mail from my h saying "your e-mail regarding the childrens appt is indictative of the problem.  you just make crucial life decision without my input.  from now into the future unless there are extenuating circumstances were i can not be reached, you need to contact my on any and all decisions concerning our children, house and pets.  you have no right to make these type of decisions on your own".  Ofcourse i forwarded the e-mail to my attorney and printed it out!  he is so sick!  In the mail yesterday I received a copy of a letter from my attoney that his attorney wrote. My h is denying any aligations/reasons I filed for my reasons for a divorce and he is asking the judge to dismiss the case.  I think that's all for now............................................................

Your hubby is trying to up the ante so MORE.  Just because he tries doesn't mean you have to let him get away with it. 

  

I wouldn't contact him on ANYTHING regarding the kids -- but hey -- that's just independent old me.   

  

As your support person, what I would encourage you to do is to inform him of the "need to know" information.  I would also suggest you ask ALL your counselors how to handle this situation. 

  

HE chose to remain in the home while there was a divorce going on -- what did he EXPECT -- a fun ride?!?   

  

While I wouldn't necessarily call him "sick", I would say that his BEHAVIOR is controlling and manipulative.  What he is trying to do is CONTROL the minutia (i.e. EVERYTHING).  That isn't realistic in the real world.   

  

You MUST make decisions regarding your children everyday.  What does he want?  For you to call him and ask what clothes your kids need to wear to school today?  Or worse, what if there was a emergency are you just supposed to wait until HE decides what hospital they need to go to to get stitches?  Geez -- give me a break. 

  

You MUST act in the best interests of your kids and if his children are not important enough to cancel a fricking meeting just what kind of message does THAT send to the counselor AND to a judge?  Not a good one. 

  

Your kids deserve counseling, they NEED help sorting all this out for themselves and I am PROUD OF YOU for watching out for them. 

  

You are a good Mom, GAK! 

  

BRAVO on the support group too!   

 
August 8, 2005, 2:10 pm CDT

young married and alone

me and my husband got married young i was only 18 and he was 19 we decided it was the right thing to do after having our daughter was 2 months at the time.  his family was set on the fact that if we were with a child we should be married. so we did.  when me and him first got together we had are fights and both from broken homes we were very dependent on eachother.  the first time he hurt me he was drunk and he had pushed me he was calling me names and telling me how messed up i was.  i   brushed it off because i felt that i had brought it upon myself.  after that it became pretty regular he would get mad of very the most rediculous things and take it out on me but he never hit me and he never left marks most of it was verbal.   then i got pregnant with our now 2 yr old daughter and i was scared of being a single parent so i stayed although i had my doubts.  He had been in the marine corps for awhile and got discharded on a personalitky disorder he had threatened to kill his sargent.   i should of known.   but anyways he would wake me up in the middle of the night with his hands around my neck asking me who i was and what i wanted from him i would scream and telll him to stop until he woke up and realized what he was doing he said he was having nightmares about combat again.   after my daughter was 10 months old i left him then she strarted having problems we realized she wasnt were she shouldve been devolopmently and that scared me so i went back to brent and we both decided our focus needed to be on our daughter.  well when we got back together the night of his cousins wedding while highly intoxicated i passed up and woke up to him inside me i started crying and tried pushing him off of me but he said he was almost done a month later i was pregnant with our now 4 month old son.  once again i felt even more trapt.   after kaiden was born things started to get bad again. he raped me again about a month ago and i cant bring myself to have sex with him on a mutual basis anymore he makes me feel so dirty he's always making sexual remarks and grabbing at me and i hate it it hurts. then recently  he started getting rouph with our disabled daughter and whenever id defend her he'd go after me.  the day the cops were called to our house brent had a knife in his and was threatining to kill him self when i tried  pull it away he directed it towards me and i backed off i went to call my sister who called my mom who called the cops.  they came and took him to jail.   i was in complete denial i told them that brent was not normally like that and that everything was fine i got the charges dropped to disorderly conduct cuz i know that with a simple assult he wouldnt get into school.   his parents are in the dark about the whole situation they know he went to jail but they think it was a misunderstanding and they blame my mom for calling the cops.  anyways  now we are moved and brent is due to start school the end of aug.   and i am on the edge.   i recently met a guy who i have to say has turned my perspective on this whole thing around he grew up in a home were his mom was abused by several diff men and he saw what brent was doing to me i have learned to confide in this guy and im scared i might have started to feel for him as well.  he respects me in away ive never felt. anyways im thinking about leaving. taking my kids and leaving but i need to know im doing this for all the right reasons.  i told this guy that if i do leave i dont want to rush into a relationship with him.  i know that will only make things worse.  i cant be dependent on someone else i need to do this for me and my kids.  but im afraid to admit that if it wernt for this guy i prolly would never have the strength to do this on my own.   i need some advice very badly. im only 20 yrs old with to kids who i love with all my heart.  can someone pls help.
 
August 8, 2005, 2:41 pm CDT

anyone?

i i just posted a msg and i feel i need to say more.  i am feeling so lost right now i dont know maybe i need professional help. i cant seem to get past this empty feeling thats inside of me.  i am staying as strong as i can for my kids and i have everything planned out on leaving him but im still scared ive never really been on my own before let alone with two kids.  i know that he wont change i cant change him he says he will but he dont.  he barley even makes an attempt.  at this point ive realized i dont love him and im not sure i ever did.  i know he has a heart he's not made of stone.  he cried when i told him that i was leaving him and he goes up and down with the whole thing one min he's trying to pls me the next he's making me feel guilty for even suggesting that we get a divorce.   he is so good at minipulating me.  so if i stay nothing will change if i give into him again it will only get worse.  so why am i having doubts.  if i leave ill have nothing nothing he makes all the money he bought everything we own. exept the car.  but what will he do without a car?  ahhh he's home gotta go
 
August 8, 2005, 4:18 pm CDT

Abusive Husband.....

Quote From: ksg_kag

i i just posted a msg and i feel i need to say more.  i am feeling so lost right now i dont know maybe i need professional help. i cant seem to get past this empty feeling thats inside of me.  i am staying as strong as i can for my kids and i have everything planned out on leaving him but im still scared ive never really been on my own before let alone with two kids.  i know that he wont change i cant change him he says he will but he dont.  he barley even makes an attempt.  at this point ive realized i dont love him and im not sure i ever did.  i know he has a heart he's not made of stone.  he cried when i told him that i was leaving him and he goes up and down with the whole thing one min he's trying to pls me the next he's making me feel guilty for even suggesting that we get a divorce.   he is so good at minipulating me.  so if i stay nothing will change if i give into him again it will only get worse.  so why am i having doubts.  if i leave ill have nothing nothing he makes all the money he bought everything we own. exept the car.  but what will he do without a car?  ahhh he's home gotta go
Wow your situation sounds so dangerous. I was married to a very abusive man more then 10 years ago, that is why I know exactly how you feel right now, you love him, you hate him, you feel sorry for him, and you want to believe him when he says he will change, yet you are dissapointed over and over when he doesn't change; he doesn't even attempt to change. I'll tell you why he isn't going to change, its because he doesn't have to. He has you right where he wants you, he probably doesn't believe that you would really leave, he thinks he has you dependant on him- and he does in a financial way- but it sounds like you have a plan. You have children to think of, you don't want your kids to grow up thinking the way their dad treats their mom is 'normal'...they see you be disrespected and they think thats just the way it is. You've got to stop worrying about him, and start putting yourself and your children first. Who cares what he would do without a car, you and your children are going to be without everything else. You've got to make a clean break, no looking back, no more hoping his lies will be truths. You are so right about not getting right into another relationship, that is very smart of you! You need to be independant, you shouldn't go from one relationship to another. I do urge you to seek counceling, it will help you so much to talk to someone who has heard this same story over and over, and who can guide you towards happiness. You deserve to be happy, and you deserve to be respected. What you've got to do is start to love and respect yourself, and even though it is going to be very hard to leave, you know its the best thing to do for yourself and the kids. I wish you the best of luck!!
 
August 8, 2005, 8:23 pm CDT

thanks qqqhh

Thanks for the advice.  I know everything you said is true, but I can honestly say that I am not ready to accept that I am worth leaving him.  I am not sure that I can survive without him.  I was only 16 when we got married so I have always depended on him.  I don't know if I have the ability to be a single Mother.  I don't think I could pay to keep our house so it would mean moving the boys, probably to my Mothers and it is all just to scary for me. 

  

Also my husband and I are going to marriage counseling but I know I can not mention the sex in my sleep thing.  He has never threatened me or said anything about it but he knows we have a mutual agreement.  I think it makes me just as ashamed as it does him.  It will be a long time before I am ready to talk about it face to face with anyone. 

  

We are addressing him asking his sister-in-law to sleep with him but I am really feeling like we are getting no where.  I feel very drained and tired of trying, and I am way to young to feel like this. 

  

Anyway it was not my intention to drag this message out so long.  Again thanks for the welcome and for telling me everything I already know.  Now if you only have some ideas on how to accept it send them my way. 

  

Alison 

 
August 9, 2005, 4:18 am CDT

q, no custody settled yet

Quote From: qqqhhh

Legally, if someone files for divorce both partners STILL have a right to remain in the home until there is a property settlement.  

  

Gak's hubby refused to leave and GAK, basically, had no where to go.  So there are both remaining in the home until they have their final court date. 

  

When GAK sued for divorce, her hubby can countersue and state HIS grounds for divorce.  I don't that's what's happened here but I could be wrong.  If he did, the odds are that the judge will deal with BOTH suits at the same time. 

  

Personally, I think GAK needs to PREPARE to go to court.  If her hubby is denying EVERYTHING in her suit, so be it.  In fact, most lawyers advise their client to DENY it unless there is some in-your-face proof.  All she has to do is provide testimony that he has treated her in a way that makes it impossible to live with him anymore and that she is the primary caretaker. 

  

Her other alternative is to LEAVE the marital residence and remain apart for a specified period of time usually 18 mos.  Since she's already had a temporary custody hearing (I think), the kids are in her custody??  Then they would go with her. 

  

Emotionally draining, yes, and an understatement, but there are SOME FIGHTS that you simply can not run from. 

  

I think, in GAK's case, this is one of them. 

  

For her and her kids, settling does sound like it's going to be an option. 

  

We went to negotiate in June and he said "every other week" with the kids and I said no way, now it's in the judges hands August 25th.  You are 110% right, I need to be prepared for a fight and to go to trial.  Actually I  have known this, maybe that's why I stayed married to the 'dude' for 18 long years.  No one was in my bedroom the last 3 years so how do I prove we haven't had sex for 3 years?! Most of the time, no one heard him berate me, call me names, belittle me, etc., it was mostly done in private so how can I prove anything-it's he said, she said.  I meet with my lawyer next week before I leave for 3 days in Cape Cod with the kids.  My friends are going for the week and have invited the kids and myself.  I asked my parents to meet us there.  I e-mailed my h 3 times and told him verbally that I wanted to visit the Cape with the kids, if it conflicted with any plans he has.  I've heard nothing so my lawyer sent his a letter.  My children have never seen the ocean and I LOVE the beach so the three of us are excited!  But the closer it gets, the bigger this knawing feeling gets in my stomache.  I just want to have 3 peaceful, fun days at the beach with my friends, my parents, and my children.  What do you mean "for her and her kids, settling does sound like it's going to be an option"?  I feel like I have already 'settled', ya' know what I mean? 
 
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