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Topic : Abuse

Number of Replies: 27088
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 04:59:59 pm
Author : dataimport

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August 9, 2005, 5:24 pm CDT

ggghhh is right on

Quote From: alerri

Thanks for the advice.  I know everything you said is true, but I can honestly say that I am not ready to accept that I am worth leaving him.  I am not sure that I can survive without him.  I was only 16 when we got married so I have always depended on him.  I don't know if I have the ability to be a single Mother.  I don't think I could pay to keep our house so it would mean moving the boys, probably to my Mothers and it is all just to scary for me. 

  

Also my husband and I are going to marriage counseling but I know I can not mention the sex in my sleep thing.  He has never threatened me or said anything about it but he knows we have a mutual agreement.  I think it makes me just as ashamed as it does him.  It will be a long time before I am ready to talk about it face to face with anyone. 

  

We are addressing him asking his sister-in-law to sleep with him but I am really feeling like we are getting no where.  I feel very drained and tired of trying, and I am way to young to feel like this. 

  

Anyway it was not my intention to drag this message out so long.  Again thanks for the welcome and for telling me everything I already know.  Now if you only have some ideas on how to accept it send them my way. 

  

Alison 

She is right on. If you don't believe you are worth it, ask the marriage counselor about individual counseling, maybe you will open up to someone who is there just for you. If you can't ask in front of the H, leave a note or an email or call.  

  

Early on I felt alone, and worthless too, but I wasn't sexually abused.  

  

Accepting it is a mistake. It will make you sick. I now have MS and truly believe it is because I tried acceptint everything. Luckily, I am not disabled as of yet, but I have also stopped internalizing my own hubby's crap. He does wear on me tho'. 

  

Don't worry about "dragging this message out so long" you DO deserve attention and help. 

 
August 9, 2005, 5:33 pm CDT

to ksg_kag

Try a women's shelter if you can't go home to your folks or other family.  

  

Be safe. 

 
August 9, 2005, 6:30 pm CDT

update and advice

hey, i hope everyone is alright. i found some of the archives, but not all.  i was here a while ago then appeared and disappeared. at any rate my h used ot be verbally abusive under the radar. now, hes changed.  he not doing anyhting that can be seen as abusive just imature, but the end result is abuse.  everynight he has leg cramps so i rub his legs, either hes faking hwich is what i think, or hes relaly in pain and he just doesnot want to know which is possible but i dont think the case. in addition to this my h acts like a child. he constantly wants my attention, wants to be in the same room, always wants my undivided attention. he currently went on vacation for a week which is how i'm able to be here, but hes calling me everynight and morning. we intially he said he was relax ing as his vacation nears its end all or a sudden hes not getting any sleep, or fell asleep with the tv on and no rest, but of course he cant rest b'c i'm not there. i just started a job so i'm home working, i made sure of that. i have gotten to the point where i know it will just stay like this. i'll be forced to spend all my time with him, no life, or hassled when i do have a life, then he will meet someone else and cheat, not leave just cheat. my h also has a control problem. he has to control everyhitn gbut cant control his anger. i spoke iwth my grandmother recently as shes the only one i say anything to anymore otherwise it backfires and she sees the same sign si do that he will become physically abusive, she had 2 ex's who were abusing so she knows. at any rate i cant seem to give up the hope that he will change. he wants a child but i know better than taht. but a man who cant control the words coming out of his mouth tells me that things dont have to be perfect for us to have a child, how bout happy, huh?  anyhow i thought i had given up but now were are in that comfort stage. i know i will leave eventaully or he will, its just the fact of having someone to come home to. i know it sounds weird b'c i'm really looking forward to not have ing any one to come home to, i dont want to feel needed. but hteres something stopping me from leaving. i've also found some gay porn stuff on the computer. i even showed it to him and he got mad htat i was checking up on him. i think hes in denail. he the type of person that too homophobic, like hes in denail about it or something. any how my last post i cant find so if u responded to it please post here. i dont even remember the date it was.  what is the push i need. i know i should be out looking for a place but i'm one month away from finding out if my job will work out so i'm wainting till then. but why cant i just go. i thik my emotions are on hold, thats what it feels like i dont even love him anymore, hes just not the person i thought he was.  of course there will be immense pressure to have sex when he comes back but i just cant do it. theres no empotional connection and i just cant muster even to enjoy the physical side of it anymore. i fell like i'm on pause for a month. any clue how to release the pause button, at leas tin my heart. btw there was someone post i wanted to reply to. no matter what do not stay in a marriage b'c of kids, that does not owrk and does irreversible damage to the kids, especially when in an abusive situation. loving your kids is what will make you a great single mother, not the amouont of money you make. please dont stay for financial reasons, these are your kids, you are their mother. every parent has the responsibility to be the best parent they can be for thier kids, no half attempts, no compromises. you look for their best interest, htats your job and with an abusive spouse it is even more important as you are the only one to protect them and get them out of it on the other side stronger, not damaged.
 
August 10, 2005, 8:39 am CDT

TO ksg_kag -- (long post)

So from what you’ve posted, you KNOW hubby is an abuser/rapist and you KNOW you are a victim and a battered woman.

  

 

  

 

Did you ever the saying, by Maya Angelou, “once you know better, you can do better” ?

  

 

  

 

To overcome you part in the demise of the relationship, the thing that you have to do is STOP being a victim.   While that idea is a simple one, it is NOT easy. 

  

 

And the next logical question you may be asking yourself is HOW?

  

 

  

 

Well, honey bunny, I can tell you how. 

  

 

  

 

EDUCATE yourself about abuse.  There is A LOT you can do about it.  Knowledge really is power.  The more you understand why he does what he does and why you do what you do, the more you look at the issues and the solutions, you will develop YOUR OWN solutions to your problem.  Start with books by these authors:  Melody Beattie, Beverly Engel, Patricia Evans, Lundy Bancroft.

  

 

  

 

And you are very right – having an emotional affair or rushing into a relationship right out of an abusive one is NOT the answer for you.  You really have to recover and fix YOU before you can engage in a healthy relationship otherwise you will continue some of the old bad habits.  You have been a victim for a LONG time and you have to re-learn how to behave in healthy ways.  By that I mean, that you have to learn how to stand up for how you will and won't be treated. 

  

 

MORE SUPPORT --  If you spent any time with an abuser or someone who is controlling then you have probably been BRAINWASHED!  Abuse is ALL ABOUT control. 

  

 

  

 

The brainwashing erodes your own sense of self-esteem, self-worth, self-respect.  And perhaps to the point where you may feel you do not know where you stop and your partner starts.  The psycho-babble word for that is called:  dependency.

  

 

  

 

To counter act the brainwashing you need REALITY CHECKS.

  

 

  

 

To rebuild your self, you need emotional support and OPTIONS!

  

 

  

 

You need a new set of skills for dealing with abuse and you need to understand that you are probably enabling his behavior is some ways. 

  

 

  

 

Support includes message boards, safe friends, family, counseling and support groups.

  

 

  

 

You can invite hubby to tag along -- but marital counseling or couples counseling is usually NOT geared to help a victim of abuse.  You will probably need YOUR OWN counselor.

  

 

  

 

Counseling was the single best thing I did to get on the road to healing.  And I did A LOT to heal.  I also suggest you start attending Alanon or CODA (Codependents Anonymous).  Usually free but pass a plate around. 

  

 

  

 

FACE YOUR FEARS – Overcoming or acting in spite of my fears was the most difficult thing, for me, about leaving.  You are doubt filled for a reason and most of the time that reason is because of the brainwashing.  Really there are two kinds of fears those that are YOURS that keep you stuck and those that you have little or no control over.  So I asked myself this question:  What’s keeping me from living the life I want?  What’s keeping me in misery?  Why do I stay?  Then I make a list, for me, it was a mental one, but no matter. 

  

 

  

 

THEN I GO TO WAR with the reasons.  Since I’ve gotten support, and gotten stronger, I know I have a brain, am capable and figure out how I need to setup my life so that I CAN face most of my fears and act anyway.  And for those fears that are particularly difficult I went to my support network and asked for help and ideas.

  

 

  

 

For example one of my worst fears was my Ex would make good on his threat to take my children so I would never see them again.  So before I left I gathered allies within his OWN family.  Then I faced the fear and told myself that I would cross that bridge IF it ever came and I would leave NO STONE unturned to locate my kids.   After I left I told EVERYBODY about the threat especially the lawyers and the judge.  Since taped conversations were admissible as evidence in my jurisdiction I got him on tape.  I also got my kids passports so that he couldn’t leave the country with them.  I also had my visitation agreement set up so he couldn’t leave the state without the judge’s permission.  I did everything I could to mitigate the fear.  Did he steal my kids?  No, but he did make good on other threats.   My Ex made ALL kinds of threats – against me, my kids, my family, my friends, and himself.  I crossed each bridge and dealt with EACH ONE individually.  He got consequences including jail time.  That and a new girlfriend settled him down.

  

 

  

 

KNOW YOUR RESOURCES --  Legally speaking, if you are considering leaving, you need to gather a list of ALL your questions, make an appointment with an attorney and ask away. The first visit is usually free. You need to know what your rights are in YOUR jurisdiction with respect to grounds for divorce, property division and custody and visitation issues. You need to know what your recourse is if you start getting harassed or if you fear for your safety or the safety of your children.

  

 

You need to know how to go about getting a Restraining Order and perhaps even an Order of Protection.

  

 

It may also help to contact local shelters and/or other domestice violence service providers to see what kinds of support, services, information you can get your hands on.

  

 

HAVE A PLAN --  You need an emergency/safety plan in the event your hubby escalates and/or a plan for the DAY of leaving.  This plan should cover what you need to take with you like valuables, financial and tax information, insurance information, clothes, toys, etc. 

  

 

  

 

Here are some web sites that will help you develop your plans:

  

 

  

 

http://www.abanet.org/domviol/internet.html<br>

  

 

http://www.womenslaw.org/safety.htm<br>

  

 

http://www.acadv.org/safety.html<br>

  

 

http://www.abanet.org/tips/dvsafety.html#safetips<br>

  

 

http://www.leavingabuse.com/<br>

  

 

  

 

  

 

And more important than that you need a LONG TERM PLAN for living.  You need to consider the lower end of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Need http://web.utk.edu/~gwynne/maslow.HTM .  You need to have a place to go or consider where you are going to live, you need to consider  how you are going to put a roof over your head, food on the table and provide for the needs of you and your kids and keep them safe.  If you don’t have a job or a set of skills to cover all your living expenses, you need to consider what you can do to get that job or a better one.  If you don’t have plans for child care, you may need to consider that.  The question you need to ask your self is:  what’s it going to take for me to be a single parent?

  

 

  

 

Do NOT leave your home without your kids.  Do NOT leave your county WITH your kids until you have spoken to a lawyer. 

  

 

  

 

RECONNECT WITH YOU -- The most fun part of the plan is the reconnecting/dreaming part.  At least it was for me.

  

 

  

 

Many, many victims of abuse have given away and/or lost WHO THEY ARE.  They and there partners become so dependent/co-dependent that they can’t even know their OWN feelings or thoughts without it checking it with their abuser. 

  

 

  

 

Reconnecting with the person you lost or gave away MUST be done.

  

 

  

 

For me, it took time.  Each time I’d get into a power struggle or argument with the Ex, I would play it over in my mind and every time he would tell me you’re crazy or you’re the one with the problem not me, or label me lazy, or any of the other mind games… I check MY feelings.

  

 

  

 

Was I REALLY crazy?  And I’d listen to that thin, small voice inside me… know what she said?  She said, “No.”  It was soft and very quiet.  The more I checked MY feelings, the louder she got until she would jump up and down and firmly tell me, “You ARE NOT crazy!  Do NOT let his labels dictate who YOU are!”

  

 

  

 

The more I practiced, the better I got at identifying how I felt about stuff.

  

 

  

 

This branched into other areas.  Here are the questions I’d ask my self:

  

 

  

 

How am I feeling right now?

  

 

What do I want out of MY life?

  

 

How can I get there?

  

 

What are MY dreams?

  

 

What’s going to take to make them come true?

  

 

Who am I?

  

 

Are there books that can help me reconnect with ME?  (Yep!)

  

 

What makes me special?  (Because we are ALL special).

  

 

What are my special talents?

  

 

What are the things that I LOVE to do?

  

 

What do I HATE?

  

 

How can I make time to do those things often, even daily?

  

 

How can I re-arrange my life so that I have ME time?

  

 

  

 

The greatest thing about reconnection are these things:

  

 

  

 

1)      Finding creative outlets for your emotions.  If you’ve stuffed your anger for SO long, it is GOING to start bubbling up especially the more you listen to your SELF.  You will need to figure out HEALTHY ways to feel all those feelings.  For me, exercise, and gardening really helped.  When I was so angry about how I was being treated, I go jog and stomp on his face!  When I was done, I’d feel better and didn’t hurt a fly.  Also painting helped my find a peaceful, centered place with in me.  TOTALLY enjoyable.

  

 

2)      Reconnection also branches BACK out to friends and family.  Once you figure out your deserve good things, you can give your permission to start reconnecting with those people you allowed to be alienated from you.  It is strengthening.

  

 

3)      Developing goals and step toward them for YOUR life.  At some point you figure out that your partner’s happiness is HIS responsibility and SO IS YOURS.  Dream BIG dreams!  Make them happen!

  

 

4)      Finding out that you matter!  Part of self-exploration requires that you take a good hard look at your self, and your past to understand how you got your self in this messed up place to begin with.  The odds are it started with you were very young and vulnerable.  It is why counseling helps with this too because once you understand how you got here and why, you need to be on the look out for the red flags. 

  

 

  

 

There is life after divorce and you CAN repeat old cycles if you don’t fully recover.  Learning controlling behavior and what to watch out for and deciding that you will surround your self to loving, caring people this time around can make ALL the difference.

  

 

  

 

Did for me.

  

 

  

 

If I can get out and regain my sense of self and power, recover, know who I am and live MY life the way I WANT,  YOU CAN TOO!

  

 

  

 

You CAN have a happy life.

  

 

  

 

Q

  

 

  

 
August 10, 2005, 8:57 am CDT

My dear alerri

If you want to improve your situation and the quality of ALL OF THE LIVES in your family, you absolutely MUST be honest with your counselor -- even if it hurts.   

  

If you hide what's going one and you do not give your counselor the full picture, how can you expect to get the solution YOU BOTH need?  I'm glad you've at least brought up the s-i-l issue but I really think you need to disclose fully what's going on. 

  

I understand how afraid you are... I've been THAT afraid too.  And you know what?  It's OKAY.  Fear is a normal, natural human feeling.  In fact, it's OKAY to have ANY feeling -- even anger.  The key with feelings and how to find peace with them is to concentrate on what you DO about your feelings. 

  

And perpetuating LIES is going to hurt YOU worse.   

  

You have the ability to BE anything YOU WANT.  You have more power than you know.  I remember when my Mom told me that.  I didn't believe her either, but you know what alerri?  She was right. 

  

I just had to FIND my power. 

  

SO I won't support you on how to accept your situation, but what I CAN DO is help you find the power, that sense of self, that you've lost so you can regain your self-worth. 

  

Please read my post to ksg_kag... because what I wrote for her (and many other victims of abuse) goes as much for you as it does her. 

  

EDUCATION and RECONNECTION with your self -- are the KEYS to your survival. 

  

I recovered -- to a point -- while I was in my abusive relationship too.  If I can, you can.  I got stronger and stronger and eventually regained ME.  When I left the Ex for the final time, I was still recovering but I had the clarity and courage I needed to do what was right for me and my children. 

  

SO I want you to read <u>CoDependent No More</u> by Melody Beattie and subsititute the word
"abuse" for "alcohol/drugs".  When I read this book, I was amazed at how this women I've never met could write about MY life and MY feelings especially the TRAPPED feeling.  She also provided good strategies about setting boundaries which you need to be doing in a HUGE way, and letting go with love.   

  

BRAVO on counseling!!   

  

Remember be MORE gentle with your self.  Q 

 
August 10, 2005, 9:33 am CDT

Hi GAK!

Quote From: gaktstoner

We went to negotiate in June and he said "every other week" with the kids and I said no way, now it's in the judges hands August 25th.  You are 110% right, I need to be prepared for a fight and to go to trial.  Actually I  have known this, maybe that's why I stayed married to the 'dude' for 18 long years.  No one was in my bedroom the last 3 years so how do I prove we haven't had sex for 3 years?! Most of the time, no one heard him berate me, call me names, belittle me, etc., it was mostly done in private so how can I prove anything-it's he said, she said.  I meet with my lawyer next week before I leave for 3 days in Cape Cod with the kids.  My friends are going for the week and have invited the kids and myself.  I asked my parents to meet us there.  I e-mailed my h 3 times and told him verbally that I wanted to visit the Cape with the kids, if it conflicted with any plans he has.  I've heard nothing so my lawyer sent his a letter.  My children have never seen the ocean and I LOVE the beach so the three of us are excited!  But the closer it gets, the bigger this knawing feeling gets in my stomache.  I just want to have 3 peaceful, fun days at the beach with my friends, my parents, and my children.  What do you mean "for her and her kids, settling does sound like it's going to be an option"?  I feel like I have already 'settled', ya' know what I mean? 

OH! Cape Cod ?!?  HOW AWESOME, is that?  A co-worker and I went to Boston for business and she and I rented a car and drove there and had dinner.  What a beautiful place MA is.  They've NEVER seen the ocean?  How wonderful!!!     My hubby is a big beach person / windsurfer -- makes me wonder why he ever made our state his home.  My youngest hasn't ever seen the beach either -- we live in the heart of the landlocked South and the only the Arkansas river nearby.  One day... we are going to go and I CAN'T WAIT. 

  

YIKES!  TYPO!  My fingers are always dropping words -- SORRY!  For you and your kids, settling does NOT NOT NOT sound like it's going to be an option!!!  You have settled way toomuch and way too often and I think that it is time to STOP that bad habit.  BRAVO!! 

  

You can't really prove what you don't have witnesses for.  What you can do about those things is give PLENTY of examples -- it's why an abuse diary is so helpful.  Regardless of whether you have that, you need to give the judge an earful -- in a calm way -- about how he has treated you AND the children.  The more specific, the better.  Berating, name calling, belittling EXAMPLES.  Then you need to ask people (as unbiased and professional as possible) if they can testify on your behalf to how they have seen hubby treat you AND the children.  ALSO don't forget about his neglect.  To me, it's the neglect that is JUST as huge as his disrespect.  I'd make sure I subpoenaed his boss/co-workers to testify about just how often he was at work -- and how he put the ahead of his family forEVER. 

  

If you haven't already, be SURE you take copies of those emails -- or write NEW ONES with a statement to the effect of: "I have written 3 emails regarding this issue and you haven't responded.  You have asked that I provide you with information about the children, where we go and what we do and I am trying very hard to do that.  It certainly makes it impossible to co-parent our children when I get SILENCE."  If you want to be more diplomatic, feel free.  Also take any replies to your meeting with your lawyer.  Then ask your lawyer if you think it prudent to send those to HIS lawyer, okay?  Or send him/them a registered letter.  That way, he can't pull anymore of that "I didn't know/you don't include me in any decisions garbage".  This will be a wonderful WRITTEN paper trail for how you guys simply CAN NOT maintain joint custody. 

  

If it were me... I wouldn't ask his permission I would just inform him.  That ought to get him going and again prove the point you already KNOW to be true, right?!? HA!  But I don't shy away from fights so much anymore. 

  

The real key about the trip to the beach is that it will be a GOOD and EDUCATIONAL experience for your kids who have NEVER been.  ANY judge would see the benefit in that experience. 

  

I don't think you need to be worried. 

  

 
August 10, 2005, 9:48 am CDT

HI M4L!!!

Glad to read that you are safe and hanging in there.

  

 

  

 

Getting suffocated by his neediness, eh?  Big fat UGH!  Dependent folks can be like that.

  

 

  

 

Did you know that you can assert your right to personal space?  And if he doesn’t like it (and he’ll probably take it personally as an affront to your caring), you can also practice “letting go with love”!  Good habits are worth practicing -- but you know this, right?

  

 

  

 

There ARE times when we as partners NEED a break from each other.  In fact, there is a time in healthy relationships where it’s actually OKAY to say, “Honey, I love you tons, but I just need to be by myself right now.” And you don’t have to fear reprisals or rejection.

  

 

  

 

He isn’t going to change until you give the INCENTIVE and/or require that he grow up and stop controlling you.  or, better yet, LEAVE!

  

 

  

 

If you are on hold because of your job, I think it’s prudent of you to hang tight until you are sure about your work.  OR you could be proactive about it and ask your boss how any review might go and how you can improve any shortcomings beforehand – bosses like that.

  

 

  

 

If the feedback is good, pack and LEAVE while he’s GONE.

  

 

  

 

I think perhaps you may be waiting for the “last straw”.  Since you are living with an abuser, don’t worry that will come.  Also you may be holding back because you don’t want to be the “bad guy”.  I can tell you it is FAR MORE humane to end a bad relationship quickly and cleanly than dragging out the inevitable.  And the PERFECT reason for that are your OWN words:  “he’s just not the person i thought he was”. 

  

 

  

 

But when it all really boils down to it – only YOU know the reasons what you are not packing up and leaving.  So sit a minute and ask your self, WHY?

  

 

  

 

Then deal with it accordingly.

  

 

  

 

Anyway… I know leaving is a struggle but you really are doing JUST FINE!  Q

  

 

 
August 10, 2005, 9:49 am CDT

Q

Thanks for reassuring me that I shouldn't and/or need not settle anymore!  I am counting the days til we go to Cape cod!  My 12 years old son said "mom, I have been waiting my whole life to see the ocean, I am SO excited!".  I really hope my h doesn't ruin it somehow.  Unfortunately, I have only been keeping a journal since last year when he tried to have me committed soooooo I have to rely on my memory to help me "prove" his abuse and neglect.  I have about 18 people that I have asked to write letters and be witnesses for me so far.  At this point though, I just want him out of here!  I wish I had know about his site and resources before I went to a lawyer and started this process, I think I would have been better informed and possibly had a better plan but "I know better now so I'll do better now", right??  Thanks AGAIN for your advice and support!!!
 
August 10, 2005, 12:33 pm CDT

divorcing and custody battle

Going through a divorce plus custody battle! H was and always has been abusive and is trying to turn the story on me and claiming Im an unfit mother! I have raised my children on my own basically because he was never around to help in any way. He was always with friends or family after he got out of work and would never come home until the kids were in bed, and left before they were even awake in the mornin. Having hard time coping with this custody battle because he has lied to his attorney and to the courts about me and my parenting skills. I have been going through this batlle for 6 months already!
 
August 10, 2005, 1:11 pm CDT

hey sadmom

Quote From: sadmom

Going through a divorce plus custody battle! H was and always has been abusive and is trying to turn the story on me and claiming Im an unfit mother! I have raised my children on my own basically because he was never around to help in any way. He was always with friends or family after he got out of work and would never come home until the kids were in bed, and left before they were even awake in the mornin. Having hard time coping with this custody battle because he has lied to his attorney and to the courts about me and my parenting skills. I have been going through this batlle for 6 months already!
I saw your post on the divorce board and am glad to see you here-even though I am SORRY why you are here!  Please read through the abuse archives.  It has really helped me to know that others care and understand.  One smart lady that goes by "Q" has suggested some helpful books and websites.  This is a mental hell and a heart wrenching situation to be in, I know!  I have been battling my h for 10 months.  We have a pretrial court date on the 25th.  I don't know what else to say to you except YOU ARE NOT ALONE and there are books, websites and people that will help you. Livestrong...........
 
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