So from what you’ve posted, you KNOW hubby is an abuser/rapist and you KNOW you are a victim and a battered woman.
Did you ever the saying, by Maya Angelou, “once you know better, you can do better” ?
To overcome you part in the demise of the relationship, the thing that you have to do is STOP being a victim. While that idea is a simple one, it is NOT easy.
And the next logical question you may be asking yourself is HOW?
Well, honey bunny, I can tell you how.
EDUCATE yourself about abuse. There is A LOT you can do about it. Knowledge really is power. The more you understand why he does what he does and why you do what you do, the more you look at the issues and the solutions, you will develop YOUR OWN solutions to your problem. Start with books by these authors: Melody Beattie, Beverly Engel, Patricia Evans, Lundy Bancroft.
And you are very right – having an emotional affair or rushing into a relationship right out of an abusive one is NOT the answer for you. You really have to recover and fix YOU before you can engage in a healthy relationship otherwise you will continue some of the old bad habits. You have been a victim for a LONG time and you have to re-learn how to behave in healthy ways. By that I mean, that you have to learn how to stand up for how you will and won't be treated.
MORE SUPPORT -- If you spent any time with an abuser or someone who is controlling then you have probably been BRAINWASHED! Abuse is ALL ABOUT control.
The brainwashing erodes your own sense of self-esteem, self-worth, self-respect. And perhaps to the point where you may feel you do not know where you stop and your partner starts. The psycho-babble word for that is called: dependency.
To counter act the brainwashing you need REALITY CHECKS.
To rebuild your self, you need emotional support and OPTIONS!
You need a new set of skills for dealing with abuse and you need to understand that you are probably enabling his behavior is some ways.
Support includes message boards, safe friends, family, counseling and support groups.
You can invite hubby to tag along -- but marital counseling or couples counseling is usually NOT geared to help a victim of abuse. You will probably need YOUR OWN counselor.
Counseling was the single best thing I did to get on the road to healing. And I did A LOT to heal. I also suggest you start attending Alanon or CODA (Codependents Anonymous). Usually free but pass a plate around.
FACE YOUR FEARS – Overcoming or acting in spite of my fears was the most difficult thing, for me, about leaving. You are doubt filled for a reason and most of the time that reason is because of the brainwashing. Really there are two kinds of fears those that are YOURS that keep you stuck and those that you have little or no control over. So I asked myself this question: What’s keeping me from living the life I want? What’s keeping me in misery? Why do I stay? Then I make a list, for me, it was a mental one, but no matter.
THEN I GO TO WAR with the reasons. Since I’ve gotten support, and gotten stronger, I know I have a brain, am capable and figure out how I need to setup my life so that I CAN face most of my fears and act anyway. And for those fears that are particularly difficult I went to my support network and asked for help and ideas.
For example one of my worst fears was my Ex would make good on his threat to take my children so I would never see them again. So before I left I gathered allies within his OWN family. Then I faced the fear and told myself that I would cross that bridge IF it ever came and I would leave NO STONE unturned to locate my kids. After I left I told EVERYBODY about the threat especially the lawyers and the judge. Since taped conversations were admissible as evidence in my jurisdiction I got him on tape. I also got my kids passports so that he couldn’t leave the country with them. I also had my visitation agreement set up so he couldn’t leave the state without the judge’s permission. I did everything I could to mitigate the fear. Did he steal my kids? No, but he did make good on other threats. My Ex made ALL kinds of threats – against me, my kids, my family, my friends, and himself. I crossed each bridge and dealt with EACH ONE individually. He got consequences including jail time. That and a new girlfriend settled him down.
KNOW YOUR RESOURCES -- Legally speaking, if you are considering leaving, you need to gather a list of ALL your questions, make an appointment with an attorney and ask away. The first visit is usually free. You need to know what your rights are in YOUR jurisdiction with respect to grounds for divorce, property division and custody and visitation issues. You need to know what your recourse is if you start getting harassed or if you fear for your safety or the safety of your children.
You need to know how to go about getting a Restraining Order and perhaps even an Order of Protection.
It may also help to contact local shelters and/or other domestice violence service providers to see what kinds of support, services, information you can get your hands on.
HAVE A PLAN -- You need an emergency/safety plan in the event your hubby escalates and/or a plan for the DAY of leaving. This plan should cover what you need to take with you like valuables, financial and tax information, insurance information, clothes, toys, etc.
Here are some web sites that will help you develop your plans:
http://www.abanet.org/domviol/internet.html<br>
http://www.womenslaw.org/safety.htm<br>
http://www.acadv.org/safety.html<br>
http://www.abanet.org/tips/dvsafety.html#safetips<br>
http://www.leavingabuse.com/<br>
And more important than that you need a LONG TERM PLAN for living. You need to consider the lower end of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Need http://web.utk.edu/~gwynne/maslow.HTM . You need to have a place to go or consider where you are going to live, you need to consider how you are going to put a roof over your head, food on the table and provide for the needs of you and your kids and keep them safe. If you don’t have a job or a set of skills to cover all your living expenses, you need to consider what you can do to get that job or a better one. If you don’t have plans for child care, you may need to consider that. The question you need to ask your self is: what’s it going to take for me to be a single parent?
Do NOT leave your home without your kids. Do NOT leave your county WITH your kids until you have spoken to a lawyer.
RECONNECT WITH YOU -- The most fun part of the plan is the reconnecting/dreaming part. At least it was for me.
Many, many victims of abuse have given away and/or lost WHO THEY ARE. They and there partners become so dependent/co-dependent that they can’t even know their OWN feelings or thoughts without it checking it with their abuser.
Reconnecting with the person you lost or gave away MUST be done.
For me, it took time. Each time I’d get into a power struggle or argument with the Ex, I would play it over in my mind and every time he would tell me you’re crazy or you’re the one with the problem not me, or label me lazy, or any of the other mind games… I check MY feelings.
Was I REALLY crazy? And I’d listen to that thin, small voice inside me… know what she said? She said, “No.” It was soft and very quiet. The more I checked MY feelings, the louder she got until she would jump up and down and firmly tell me, “You ARE NOT crazy! Do NOT let his labels dictate who YOU are!”
The more I practiced, the better I got at identifying how I felt about stuff.
This branched into other areas. Here are the questions I’d ask my self:
How am I feeling right now?
What do I want out of MY life?
How can I get there?
What are MY dreams?
What’s going to take to make them come true?
Who am I?
Are there books that can help me reconnect with ME? (Yep!)
What makes me special? (Because we are ALL special).
What are my special talents?
What are the things that I LOVE to do?
What do I HATE?
How can I make time to do those things often, even daily?
How can I re-arrange my life so that I have ME time?
The greatest thing about reconnection are these things:
1) Finding creative outlets for your emotions. If you’ve stuffed your anger for SO long, it is GOING to start bubbling up especially the more you listen to your SELF. You will need to figure out HEALTHY ways to feel all those feelings. For me, exercise, and gardening really helped. When I was so angry about how I was being treated, I go jog and stomp on his face! When I was done, I’d feel better and didn’t hurt a fly. Also painting helped my find a peaceful, centered place with in me. TOTALLY enjoyable.
2) Reconnection also branches BACK out to friends and family. Once you figure out your deserve good things, you can give your permission to start reconnecting with those people you allowed to be alienated from you. It is strengthening.
3) Developing goals and step toward them for YOUR life. At some point you figure out that your partner’s happiness is HIS responsibility and SO IS YOURS. Dream BIG dreams! Make them happen!
4) Finding out that you matter! Part of self-exploration requires that you take a good hard look at your self, and your past to understand how you got your self in this messed up place to begin with. The odds are it started with you were very young and vulnerable. It is why counseling helps with this too because once you understand how you got here and why, you need to be on the look out for the red flags.
There is life after divorce and you CAN repeat old cycles if you don’t fully recover. Learning controlling behavior and what to watch out for and deciding that you will surround your self to loving, caring people this time around can make ALL the difference.
Did for me.
If I can get out and regain my sense of self and power, recover, know who I am and live MY life the way I WANT, YOU CAN TOO!
You CAN have a happy life.
Q
