Topic : Abuse

The money that was supposed to be going into the 401K will now be in his check every week, I guess.   

  

He could have some bank account up by his work or something that he is putting all of this money into. 

  

God, I wish I had a "rainy day" account for myself.  All I have is a lot of debt and no money to speak of. 

  

I hope I have the strength to get through this, because every day that he is still here makes me more angry every day, angry because I want him out, and he is doing nothing about it.  I wish there was an easier way, a sure fire way of getting him out. 

I don't think I can do that. 

  

But, it won't hurt to ask, they are gone for the day, so I'll have to call tomorrow. 

  

I stopped there today, and dropped off a bunch of paperwork, to get things moving right along.  The financial avidavit, copies of certain things, etc...  I felt nice.  I filled out the part where I want my maiden name, I felt so empowered when I did that.  I am going to be me again, not having any attachment to him at all, other than the children.  I will be ME!! 

Let's just pretend our abuser is some stranger, a woman, perhaps. 

  

And we are walking by witnessing what's going on.  We are standing over to the side and watching all the ranting and raving going on. 

  

Would we be ashamed then?  Would be embarrassed for ourselves? 

  

Probably not.  What we would think is -- SHEESH, I'm glad I don't know that girl.  And then we'd leave the area as soon as possible.  This is the NORMAL reaction: Get AWAY. 

  

And if this woman's friend was standing by her while all of this was going on, would you feel that this woman's behavior was her friend's fault?!?  Heck no.  We'd feel SORRY for the friend! 

  

But we become inextricably tied to our abusers -- so much so that we think THEIR thoughts and THEIR feelings, so much so that those thoughts and feelings -- really belonging to someone else --are OURS.   

  

Learn to become emotionally independent.  Learn to feel YOUR OWN feelings.  Learn to think YOUR OWN thoughts.   

  

You have thoughts and feelings of your OWN.  They ARE in there.   

  

You don't need to be ashamed or embarassed about what some other poor soul is doing.  THEY are doing it, NOT you.   

  

This is the power in detachment.   

  

Where you can happy, calm, peaceful REGARDLESS of what some other person does or says. 

  

And you can do this with a loving heart. 

  

Q 

  

  

  

Hire a dog sitter -- someone who will come to the house and feed her.  That might be cheaper -- maybe a neighbor's child who needs some extra summer $$. 

  

Talk to your lawyer BEFORE leaving.  There may be legal issues you are not aware of.  Odds are there won't be a problem with the trip -- it's for the benefit of the children, right?  Find something educational to take them too like the zoo or the aquarium.  No judge will see a problem with that. 

But check with your lawyer just to be safe, okay? 

  

And if you don't have anything to hide, who cares if he snoops.  Take the important stuff , the stuff you don't want him nosing into and put it in a box in the car.  Or take it and leave it at your parents before you leave. 

  

I think there is NOTHING WRONG with taking a trip with the kids. 

  

Also if you do plan to take a trip alone, you should know that he may have you followed.  My Ex hired a private investigator to follow me around.  It was pretty clear that's what he was doing but it scared me.  I hope it cost a pretty penny too -- cause the only pictures he had were of me going in and coming out of Barnes and Noble! 

  

Your freedom will come when you are divorced.  Believe me I understand how much closure means to you especially since you already have bright plans for the future.  Patience. 

  

Good things will come. 

Q 

  

  

about the letter you recceived from the 401K people, talk to him/her about subpoenaing the bank records -- all those cancelled check images and bank statements. 

  

They came in REALLY HANDY for me.  I knew where every penny came and went. 

  

I would also subpoena his work's payroll records in the event he is electronically depositing money into an account you don't know about.  They usually have to have a voided check to do that or some other account information to do transfers. 

  

Q 

  

  

  

I will check on that. 

  

Yes, I wouldn't put it past him to have me followed, go ahead, he can waste his money too!! 

  

I guess I'll have to wait until tomorrow to talk with the lawyer about these other issues. 

  

Tonight I wanted to talk to him, but I bet he'll be going out after work, this is his friday night, and last week he didn't come home until 3am and stood over my while I slept, drinking too.  What fun I have to look forward to.  This is why I don't want him living here!!!!! 

  

Peace and hugs. 

I am having a lot of trouble understanding just how it is that the same victim who gets shot in the eye or ear (yes, I have seen both of these scenarios) while attempting to leave has a choice regarding whether to stay or leave her abuser.  And let's not forget the myriad of threats abusers make and follow through with when faced with a breakup.  I know you all mean well but the truth is that the victim CAN only do so much when faced with an exceptionally ruthless abuser.  I'm sorry, but I fail to see the connection between an abuser killing his victim as the ultimate punishment for attempting to leave and the victim having a say as far as her decision to leave him goes.  And if the victim DOES manage to leave safely the abuser will just think one of 2 things; A.  "She'll be sorry she EVER tried to screw with me!", or, "Oh, well, no skin off my nose, on to my next victim.".  That's why I believe that attendance at abuser programs should be required regardless of the abuse taking place.  Currently, the only way an abuser's attendance in such a program can be mandated is if he beats the snot out of his victim.  That leaves victims like myself who are not getting hit but ARE being kicked around emotionally/verbally/mentally feeling like there is no hope.  I would like someone to explain to me just how a victim can be truly free, whether living with the abuser or not, while he is still abusing her and playing his mind games.

Thanks for the compliment on my name :)   Your post made me cry, only because you spoke the truth so well.  You are right, im the only person my children have to protect them. And i definately dont want to be in the future and watch them treat their wives like thier father treated me and know i could of done something to change everything.  

He does have power over me, he has for many many years, thats the tough part of getting out, for me anyway. But i am definately at that point of leaving, there is no "real" love left for this man. I will always love him in a way because he gave me 3 beautiful children, but i dont love him like a wife should love her husband.  

He has made it all out to be my fault, he takes responsibility for nothing. I have done some things in our marriage that im not proud of (5 yrs ago i met a man on the internet, but it stayed on the internet, i never seen him in person)  I should have known then that i was looking for something i wasnt getting from my husband, but it just didnt click at the time. But he makes sure and reminds me every chance he gets about that situation. 

Anyway, lol.  Thank you again :) 

Well. I was served this past Sat with  papers from soon to be ex. He tried to say that I stole the car(was in my name first-his name second-his car in my name only). He also said that I stole the dog which he abusedand left the baby she had 12 weeks ago in the house with no food.etc. I left the house key with neighbors so they could check on the pup till he got home. He is lying about that along with many other things like the papers say I abandoned him, I left cause I was scared and tired of being treated like a piece of dirt under his feet. He controlled everything I did, what I wore, how long I slept, what I ate, when I had sex, what I bought anywhere, how I cleaned house, when I gardened and how, everything had to be his way only(cause it was the right way-no partner just flunkie to him). Well, I'll be free soon. Still doin good in the place I am in and my sis is helping me thru this.  Thats all for now. 

  

I don't know if this is abuse or not.  I don't know if this is all MY fault or not.  But, my husband controls everthing around the house and me.  He makes the living as he is the one who earns all the money, with a fairly good paying job.  I did work, but he would get mad about the gas that it took to get me there, and if I bought "anything" whether it be for the home or for myself.  He keeps his car in his name only and he has his personal checking account and always money in his wallet. Says, He earns the money so he is able to do that!!   He always gets mad about any money that I spend.  If I go to the grocery store, he will say we have plenty of food, etc.  Now he is mad that I am not working again.  It will be the same way, if I work he complains, if I don't he complains.  I just have a high school education becasue I stayed home and took care of our children until they started school.  After they were old enough for school, we opened a gift shop which I worked and ran for twenty years (with no pay!).  I keep the house and clothes spotless. 

Please, someone give me some feed back here. I need to hear from someone!!! 

Thanks! 

Linda