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Topic : Abuse
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June 28, 2006, 5:13 am PDT
 Quote From: lssanders I don't know if this is abuse or not. I don't know if this is all MY fault or not. But, my husband controls everthing around the house and me. He makes the living as he is the one who earns all the money, with a fairly good paying job. I did work, but he would get mad about the gas that it took to get me there, and if I bought "anything" whether it be for the home or for myself. He keeps his car in his name only and he has his personal checking account and always money in his wallet. Says, He earns the money so he is able to do that!! He always gets mad about any money that I spend. If I go to the grocery store, he will say we have plenty of food, etc. Now he is mad that I am not working again. It will be the same way, if I work he complains, if I don't he complains. I just have a high school education becasue I stayed home and took care of our children until they started school. After they were old enough for school, we opened a gift shop which I worked and ran for twenty years (with no pay!). I keep the house and clothes spotless. Please, someone give me some feed back here. I need to hear from someone!!! Thanks! Linda Here are some resources...how else can we help you?
websites www.youarenotcrazy.com www.dririene.com www.abnet.org www.womenslaw.org www.acadv.org www.leavingabuse.com www.ndvh.org www.actabuse.com www.verbalabuse.com www.lilaclane.com www.womanabuseprevention.com www.stopthehurt.com www.healthyplace.com www.drjoecarver.com www.endabuse.org www.domesticviolence.org www.joy2meu.com www.silcom.com/paladin/madv/ also type in "power & control wheel" & "equality wheel" in your search engine.
books "Co-dependant no more" by Melody Beattie "why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry & controlling men", "The batterer as a parent", & "When daddy hurts mommy" by Lundy Bancroft (also www.lundybancroft.com) "the emotionally abusive relationship" & "Breaking the cycle" by Beverly Engel (also www.beverlyengel.com) "Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward "The verbally abusive realationship" & "Controlling people" by Patrice Evans "Dangerous realtionships" by Noelle Nelson, PhD "It's my life now:starting over after an abusive relationship" by Meg Kennedy Dugan & Roger Hock "No visible wounds" by Mary Susan Miller PhD
The national domestic violence hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Domestic violence centers have many free programs and help available from support groups to legal advocates. Call them.
The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence defines Domestic Violence a pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another person through fear and intimidation, often including the threat or use of violence. Battering happens when one person believes they are entitled to control another. Assault, battering and domestic violence are crimes. Abuse of family members can take many forms. Battering may include emotional abuse, economic abuse, sexual abuse, using children for one's personnal benefit, threats, imposing "male privileges", intimidation, isolation, and a variety of other behaviors used to maintain fear, intimidation and power. In all cultures, the perpetrators are most commonly the men of the family. Women are most commonly the victims of violence. Domestic Violence escalates. It often begins with behaviors like threats, name calling, violence in her presence (such as punching a fist through a wall), and/or damage to objects or pets. It may escalate to restraining, pushing, slapping, and/or pinching. The battering may include punching, kicking, biting, sexual assault, tripping, throwing. Finally, it may become life threatening with serious behaviors such as choking, breaking bones, or the use of weapons. Contrary to popular belief, domestic violence is not due to a man's loss of control over his behaviors. In fact, violence is a way to take control over someone else. The use of violent behaviors is a conscious choice on the batterer's part. What Causes Domestic Violence The Truth
Myths about the causes of domestic violence There are many misconceptions about what causes domestic violence. Domestic violence is NOT caused by any of the following:
This checklist is meant to help you recognize signs of violence in your intimate relationship. Does your partner.... Embarrass or make fun of you in front of your friends or family? Put down your accomplishments or goals? Make you feel like you are unable to make decisions? Use intimidation or threats to gain compliance? Tell you that you are nothing without him? Treat you roughly - grab, push, pinch, shove or hit you? Call you several times a night or show up to make sure you are where you said you would be? Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or abusing you? Blame you for how he feels or acts? Pressure you sexually for things you aren't ready for? Make you feel like there "is no way out" of the relationship? Prevent you from doing things you want - like spending time with your friends or family? Try to keep you from leaving after a fight or leave you somewhere after a fight to "teach you a lesson"? Threaten to hurt you? Threaten to hurt themselves? Require you to account for the money you spend? Do you... Sometimes feel scared of how your partner will act? Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner's behavior? Believe that you can help your partner change if only you changed something about yourself? Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry? Feel like no matter what you do, your partner is never happy with you? Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want? Stay with your partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up? (Adapted from NCDV web site and Montgomery E.V.E.N program checklists) If you answered yes to some of these questions, it may be important for you to contact someone who can help you. Domestic Violence is serious and it is illegal. This is not the kind of situation that you can "fix" by yourself. Please don't hesitate to call our agency for support. You deserve to be safe and we are here to help.
Should you need immediate assistance, call 911, the domestic violence coalition listed in the front pages of your phone book or 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) the National Domestic Violence Hotline. They will connect you with people in your area with resources to help. This is the lists....a lot of helpful resources here!!!
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June 28, 2006, 5:17 am PDT
Quote From: hairdyepro Well. I was served this past Sat with papers from soon to be ex. He tried to say that I stole the car(was in my name first-his name second-his car in my name only). He also said that I stole the dog which he abusedand left the baby she had 12 weeks ago in the house with no food.etc. I left the house key with neighbors so they could check on the pup till he got home. He is lying about that along with many other things like the papers say I abandoned him, I left cause I was scared and tired of being treated like a piece of dirt under his feet. He controlled everything I did, what I wore, how long I slept, what I ate, when I had sex, what I bought anywhere, how I cleaned house, when I gardened and how, everything had to be his way only(cause it was the right way-no partner just flunkie to him). Well, I'll be free soon. Still doin good in the place I am in and my sis is helping me thru this. Thats all for now.
Your battle has just begun. Do you have a atty? I am glad your sister is there for you family is important. Start writing things down so you can keep track of things that happened, that may come in handy. Stay Strong!!!!! |
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June 28, 2006, 5:19 am PDT
Quote From: lssanders I don't know if this is abuse or not. I don't know if this is all MY fault or not. But, my husband controls everthing around the house and me. He makes the living as he is the one who earns all the money, with a fairly good paying job. I did work, but he would get mad about the gas that it took to get me there, and if I bought "anything" whether it be for the home or for myself. He keeps his car in his name only and he has his personal checking account and always money in his wallet. Says, He earns the money so he is able to do that!! He always gets mad about any money that I spend. If I go to the grocery store, he will say we have plenty of food, etc. Now he is mad that I am not working again. It will be the same way, if I work he complains, if I don't he complains. I just have a high school education becasue I stayed home and took care of our children until they started school. After they were old enough for school, we opened a gift shop which I worked and ran for twenty years (with no pay!). I keep the house and clothes spotless. Please, someone give me some feed back here. I need to hear from someone!!! Thanks! Linda This is a form of abuse. Look thru some of the websites and do some research. You will know what to do that is best for you. Everyone here will help, just let us know what you need. |
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June 28, 2006, 5:44 am PDT
Quote From: buickfan I am having a lot of trouble understanding just how it is that the same victim who gets shot in the eye or ear (yes, I have seen both of these scenarios) while attempting to leave has a choice regarding whether to stay or leave her abuser. And let's not forget the myriad of threats abusers make and follow through with when faced with a breakup. I know you all mean well but the truth is that the victim CAN only do so much when faced with an exceptionally ruthless abuser. I'm sorry, but I fail to see the connection between an abuser killing his victim as the ultimate punishment for attempting to leave and the victim having a say as far as her decision to leave him goes. And if the victim DOES manage to leave safely the abuser will just think one of 2 things; A. "She'll be sorry she EVER tried to screw with me!", or, "Oh, well, no skin off my nose, on to my next victim.". That's why I believe that attendance at abuser programs should be required regardless of the abuse taking place. Currently, the only way an abuser's attendance in such a program can be mandated is if he beats the snot out of his victim. That leaves victims like myself who are not getting hit but ARE being kicked around emotionally/verbally/mentally feeling like there is no hope. I would like someone to explain to me just how a victim can be truly free, whether living with the abuser or not, while he is still abusing her and playing his mind games. You are saying you have been shot in the eye & ear, that is criminal offense and the police should of been involved. It's is not in the victims best interest to stay in a abusive situation. How many times than can this be spelled out, if you are in danger emotionally you need to leave. You control what your destiny is YOU not him. |
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June 28, 2006, 6:24 am PDT
Quote From: loris Here are some resources...how else can we help you?
websites www.youarenotcrazy.com www.dririene.com www.abnet.org www.womenslaw.org www.acadv.org www.leavingabuse.com www.ndvh.org www.actabuse.com www.verbalabuse.com www.lilaclane.com www.womanabuseprevention.com www.stopthehurt.com www.healthyplace.com www.drjoecarver.com www.endabuse.org www.domesticviolence.org www.joy2meu.com www.silcom.com/paladin/madv/ also type in "power & control wheel" & "equality wheel" in your search engine.
books "Co-dependant no more" by Melody Beattie "why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry & controlling men", "The batterer as a parent", & "When daddy hurts mommy" by Lundy Bancroft (also www.lundybancroft.com) "the emotionally abusive relationship" & "Breaking the cycle" by Beverly Engel (also www.beverlyengel.com) "Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward "The verbally abusive realationship" & "Controlling people" by Patrice Evans "Dangerous realtionships" by Noelle Nelson, PhD "It's my life now:starting over after an abusive relationship" by Meg Kennedy Dugan & Roger Hock "No visible wounds" by Mary Susan Miller PhD
The national domestic violence hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Domestic violence centers have many free programs and help available from support groups to legal advocates. Call them.
The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence defines Domestic Violence a pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another person through fear and intimidation, often including the threat or use of violence. Battering happens when one person believes they are entitled to control another. Assault, battering and domestic violence are crimes. Abuse of family members can take many forms. Battering may include emotional abuse, economic abuse, sexual abuse, using children for one's personnal benefit, threats, imposing "male privileges", intimidation, isolation, and a variety of other behaviors used to maintain fear, intimidation and power. In all cultures, the perpetrators are most commonly the men of the family. Women are most commonly the victims of violence. Domestic Violence escalates. It often begins with behaviors like threats, name calling, violence in her presence (such as punching a fist through a wall), and/or damage to objects or pets. It may escalate to restraining, pushing, slapping, and/or pinching. The battering may include punching, kicking, biting, sexual assault, tripping, throwing. Finally, it may become life threatening with serious behaviors such as choking, breaking bones, or the use of weapons. Contrary to popular belief, domestic violence is not due to a man's loss of control over his behaviors. In fact, violence is a way to take control over someone else. The use of violent behaviors is a conscious choice on the batterer's part. What Causes Domestic Violence The Truth
Myths about the causes of domestic violence There are many misconceptions about what causes domestic violence. Domestic violence is NOT caused by any of the following:
This checklist is meant to help you recognize signs of violence in your intimate relationship. Does your partner.... Embarrass or make fun of you in front of your friends or family? Put down your accomplishments or goals? Make you feel like you are unable to make decisions? Use intimidation or threats to gain compliance? Tell you that you are nothing without him? Treat you roughly - grab, push, pinch, shove or hit you? Call you several times a night or show up to make sure you are where you said you would be? Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or abusing you? Blame you for how he feels or acts? Pressure you sexually for things you aren't ready for? Make you feel like there "is no way out" of the relationship? Prevent you from doing things you want - like spending time with your friends or family? Try to keep you from leaving after a fight or leave you somewhere after a fight to "teach you a lesson"? Threaten to hurt you? Threaten to hurt themselves? Require you to account for the money you spend? Do you... Sometimes feel scared of how your partner will act? Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner's behavior? Believe that you can help your partner change if only you changed something about yourself? Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry? Feel like no matter what you do, your partner is never happy with you? Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want? Stay with your partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up? (Adapted from NCDV web site and Montgomery E.V.E.N program checklists) If you answered yes to some of these questions, it may be important for you to contact someone who can help you. Domestic Violence is serious and it is illegal. This is not the kind of situation that you can "fix" by yourself. Please don't hesitate to call our agency for support. You deserve to be safe and we are here to help.
Should you need immediate assistance, call 911, the domestic violence coalition listed in the front pages of your phone book or 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) the National Domestic Violence Hotline. They will connect you with people in your area with resources to help. This is the lists....a lot of helpful resources here!!!
I read all this stuff and everything, but it still does not help me very much. My husband controls the money, he controls what i buy from grocery store, what I fix for dinner, where I go, who I see, how i do the housework, from where I put the furniture....he even controls the rooms that I use to put my antique inherited bedroom furniture in. We have been married 32 years. So, this is not a new marriage. By now I am too old to go to school....I have no money to do that!!!! If I get a job, like I have in the past, then the housework suffers, because he is a perfectionist, and does not help me in the home.....He is so involved in his work and with is church music work. There is no time for him to help me. By the time the weekend comes, when I work outside of the home, i have so much to catch up but he wants to go places and do things. I am so exausted!!!! I will go back to work and have applied for some jobs. If I make some money he will completely control it. He will use the tactic that He has to put away for when he retires some day so that we can live. He has a fabulous retirement from his job of 32 years. It is not enough to live on like our life style is......as he plans on another job that will not quit make the equal amount that he is now. Which by the way is about 80,000.00 a year. I don't mean to go on and on and on, But, I thought by keeping our newly remodeled home immaculant and preparing good meals for us was really keeping our lives in sync. It will put great stress on us both again if I am not here during the day to keep our home in the fashion that he likes it kept. But, if he is going to control me with money....and putting me down all of the time, I feel like I am going to go into a deep deep depression. Thanks, Linda |
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June 28, 2006, 6:32 am PDT
Quote From: lssanders I read all this stuff and everything, but it still does not help me very much. My husband controls the money, he controls what i buy from grocery store, what I fix for dinner, where I go, who I see, how i do the housework, from where I put the furniture....he even controls the rooms that I use to put my antique inherited bedroom furniture in. We have been married 32 years. So, this is not a new marriage. By now I am too old to go to school....I have no money to do that!!!! If I get a job, like I have in the past, then the housework suffers, because he is a perfectionist, and does not help me in the home.....He is so involved in his work and with is church music work. There is no time for him to help me. By the time the weekend comes, when I work outside of the home, i have so much to catch up but he wants to go places and do things. I am so exausted!!!! I will go back to work and have applied for some jobs. If I make some money he will completely control it. He will use the tactic that He has to put away for when he retires some day so that we can live. He has a fabulous retirement from his job of 32 years. It is not enough to live on like our life style is......as he plans on another job that will not quit make the equal amount that he is now. Which by the way is about 80,000.00 a year. I don't mean to go on and on and on, But, I thought by keeping our newly remodeled home immaculant and preparing good meals for us was really keeping our lives in sync. It will put great stress on us both again if I am not here during the day to keep our home in the fashion that he likes it kept. But, if he is going to control me with money....and putting me down all of the time, I feel like I am going to go into a deep deep depression. Thanks, Linda This is abuse. Have you talked to him about it? Have you suggest counseling? You said his church music, so he is a religious man? Maybe talking to your minister. I want to help please let me know what we can do. |
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June 28, 2006, 6:43 am PDT
Well,my story go's like this I been with my husband now for 8 years, and ever day seem like hell, from day on it was about sex, and revenge nether one of had feeling for eachother.and now we have 4 childrens, we argue, fright ,seperate,and my husband has cheated several times . i ready to leave agian but i'm tiered of taking my childrens to and from shelters,and in and out of school,because i beleave it's is starting to take a tole on them, but i feel in my heart that i'm tieder this time. but my husband gotb my so brain washed that i keep coming back,i been her with him sence i was 17teen ,and now i'm 25 ,and i feel stuck at times . Theres no love just hate, and one day it's going to get ugly. |
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June 28, 2006, 6:47 am PDT
Quote From: loris This is abuse. Have you talked to him about it? Have you suggest counseling? You said his church music, so he is a religious man? Maybe talking to your minister. I want to help please let me know what we can do. loris, i have talked with him. I think it makes him feel more "powerful" over me. I have talked with our preacher and everyone! They all agree that he is being selfish! He complained that when my step dad comes to visit for dinner or whatever...that he has to put out money to feed him. My dad has been here visiting, but not staying in our home, as he has gotten a camper, and is camping....he has been twice to eat a meal with us! I offered to help my dad out by doing some of his laundry, which i put in with our own. It is really not many peices of clothes, but my husband says that "he" is the one paying for the electricity and the food. Yes, he plans to go into the ministry some day. ??? I really am confused! Thanks, Linda |
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June 28, 2006, 6:48 am PDT
Quote From: dashicka Well,my story go's like this I been with my husband now for 8 years, and ever day seem like hell, from day on it was about sex, and revenge nether one of had feeling for eachother.and now we have 4 childrens, we argue, fright ,seperate,and my husband has cheated several times . i ready to leave agian but i'm tiered of taking my childrens to and from shelters,and in and out of school,because i beleave it's is starting to take a tole on them, but i feel in my heart that i'm tieder this time. but my husband gotb my so brain washed that i keep coming back,i been her with him sence i was 17teen ,and now i'm 25 ,and i feel stuck at times . Theres no love just hate, and one day it's going to get ugly. Here are some resources...how else can we help you?
websites www.youarenotcrazy.com www.dririene.com www.abnet.org www.womenslaw.org www.acadv.org www.leavingabuse.com www.ndvh.org www.actabuse.com www.verbalabuse.com www.lilaclane.com www.womanabuseprevention.com www.stopthehurt.com www.healthyplace.com www.drjoecarver.com www.endabuse.org www.domesticviolence.org www.joy2meu.com www.silcom.com/paladin/madv/ also type in "power & control wheel" & "equality wheel" in your search engine.
books "Co-dependant no more" by Melody Beattie "why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry & controlling men", "The batterer as a parent", & "When daddy hurts mommy" by Lundy Bancroft (also www.lundybancroft.com) "the emotionally abusive relationship" & "Breaking the cycle" by Beverly Engel (also www.beverlyengel.com) "Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward "The verbally abusive realationship" & "Controlling people" by Patrice Evans "Dangerous realtionships" by Noelle Nelson, PhD "It's my life now:starting over after an abusive relationship" by Meg Kennedy Dugan & Roger Hock "No visible wounds" by Mary Susan Miller PhD
The national domestic violence hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Domestic violence centers have many free programs and help available from support groups to legal advocates. Call them.
The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence defines Domestic Violence a pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another person through fear and intimidation, often including the threat or use of violence. Battering happens when one person believes they are entitled to control another. Assault, battering and domestic violence are crimes. Abuse of family members can take many forms. Battering may include emotional abuse, economic abuse, sexual abuse, using children for one's personnal benefit, threats, imposing "male privileges", intimidation, isolation, and a variety of other behaviors used to maintain fear, intimidation and power. In all cultures, the perpetrators are most commonly the men of the family. Women are most commonly the victims of violence. Domestic Violence escalates. It often begins with behaviors like threats, name calling, violence in her presence (such as punching a fist through a wall), and/or damage to objects or pets. It may escalate to restraining, pushing, slapping, and/or pinching. The battering may include punching, kicking, biting, sexual assault, tripping, throwing. Finally, it may become life threatening with serious behaviors such as choking, breaking bones, or the use of weapons. Contrary to popular belief, domestic violence is not due to a man's loss of control over his behaviors. In fact, violence is a way to take control over someone else. The use of violent behaviors is a conscious choice on the batterer's part. What Causes Domestic Violence The Truth
Myths about the causes of domestic violence There are many misconceptions about what causes domestic violence. Domestic violence is NOT caused by any of the following:
This checklist is meant to help you recognize signs of violence in your intimate relationship. Does your partner.... Embarrass or make fun of you in front of your friends or family? Put down your accomplishments or goals? Make you feel like you are unable to make decisions? Use intimidation or threats to gain compliance? Tell you that you are nothing without him? Treat you roughly - grab, push, pinch, shove or hit you? Call you several times a night or show up to make sure you are where you said you would be? Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or abusing you? Blame you for how he feels or acts? Pressure you sexually for things you aren't ready for? Make you feel like there "is no way out" of the relationship? Prevent you from doing things you want - like spending time with your friends or family? Try to keep you from leaving after a fight or leave you somewhere after a fight to "teach you a lesson"? Threaten to hurt you? Threaten to hurt themselves? Require you to account for the money you spend? Do you... Sometimes feel scared of how your partner will act? Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner's behavior? Believe that you can help your partner change if only you changed something about yourself? Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry? Feel like no matter what you do, your partner is never happy with you? Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want? Stay with your partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up? (Adapted from NCDV web site and Montgomery E.V.E.N program checklists) If you answered yes to some of these questions, it may be important for you to contact someone who can help you. Domestic Violence is serious and it is illegal. This is not the kind of situation that you can "fix" by yourself. Please don't hesitate to call our agency for support. You deserve to be safe and we are here to help.
Should you need immediate assistance, call 911, the domestic violence coalition listed in the front pages of your phone book or 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) the National Domestic Violence Hotline. They will connect you with people in your area with resources to help. This is the lists....a lot of helpful resources here!!!
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June 28, 2006, 6:50 am PDT
Quote From: dashicka Well,my story go's like this I been with my husband now for 8 years, and ever day seem like hell, from day on it was about sex, and revenge nether one of had feeling for eachother.and now we have 4 childrens, we argue, fright ,seperate,and my husband has cheated several times . i ready to leave agian but i'm tiered of taking my childrens to and from shelters,and in and out of school,because i beleave it's is starting to take a tole on them, but i feel in my heart that i'm tieder this time. but my husband gotb my so brain washed that i keep coming back,i been her with him sence i was 17teen ,and now i'm 25 ,and i feel stuck at times . Theres no love just hate, and one day it's going to get ugly. What you have described is abuse. You said that it is taking a toll on your kids, staying is doing much worse. You are the only person to protect them from harm and they rely on you. I notice in your profile you live in the same state as me. I live in southern part of the state. |
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