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Topic : Abuse

Number of Replies: 27088
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 04:59:59 pm
Author : dataimport

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July 26, 2005, 2:02 pm CDT

Hi LJ!

Quote From: lsforls

So nice to be back! I was gone for a short time & all of a sudden I COULDN'T post any longer for a while!

Hey Sunshine! I bet I know who you are!! I assume we will all have to sign up again. I have chosen a new name so close to my old user name that I'm sure everyone will know who I am.

I'm doing wonderful! Hope you are too! I've been thinking a lot about you & everyone else here! Hope we can find Q again!!! She is the official abuse board angel!!! I think everyone would agree with me on that one!!!

I have a job at the Hair Cuttery nearby & I'm doing hair in my new, just finished mini-salon too!!! It feels SO good to have money coming in once again & not feel like I'm drowning financially! Waiting to take my last State Board Test on August 9 & then all the plans I laid out for myself last year will be completed!!!

Hard to believe that my life has changed so much since that day I declared myself a survivorof abuse! I think I knew it all alongbut was in denial. I didn't want to admit it - didn't want to bring it out in the open - because I knew what I would have to do if I did!!! Now I'm glad I decided to go through with everything - have a much more peaceful& free life now! It took a year & a half of having my life upside down to finally be where I am! It wasn't easy but it was worth it! We only live once!!! God Bless - LS >.<

Good to read that you are well! 

 

And working as hard as ever I see!

 

Wow such great milestones!

 

Take care and see you 'round!  Q

 
July 26, 2005, 2:06 pm CDT

Hello Sunshine!

Quote From: sunshine

Hi there, I have been trying to reply with quote to LS but for some reason it is only leaving the quote and not my response. Which is really frustrating cos I wrote about what is happening in my life and I really didn't want to have to post it all again. But oh-well, these things happen. Please let me know if anyone else has trouble with the reply with quote section. I will let the moderator know also.

This time I am just posting a message and seeing if it works. Thanks for your response LS, I will post again soon, once I figure out what I'm doing. xxx Sunshine

Glad to know that you are doing well too -- if I can ever figure out who you were before -- EEK!

 

Did I read correctly that you or your posts were "discovered"?  If so, I hope you held up your boundaries and your right to live YOUR life the way YOU want!

 

If you can, please post an update so maybe I can put 2-n-2 together!

 

Be gentle, Q

 
July 26, 2005, 2:10 pm CDT

Welcome!

Quote From: alintime

Hi everyone. this is my first time here and I am very glad that I have found this message board. I have never said this to anyone or out-loud or even wrote it on paper but I am abused..I guess it falls under emotional or mental.. I don't even know. what I do know is that it is destroying me as a person. I have seen myself change so much, I am not who I used to be. I am not who I want to be. I just am now, Like a shell of a person, with not much feeling b/c I have turned myself off to others and even myself. i have been with this person for 11 years and married for 3 we have 2 children, and a nice home. I have found over the years that we argue about the same things over and over, He always brings up the past, I am the one who is always wrong, and he wont stop till I admit that.. the last argument we had left me feeling empty. very empty, and I don't know who to turn to, I don't want to involve my family , most of my friends are to judgmental, I want to start therapy, and I am scared that he wont go b/c he doesn't think he has a problem... so sry for rambling, but I just have to get this all out. It eating me alive inside. I hate how I feel, I have trouble functioning some days, b/c I'm consumed with disappointment and fear and worry, how do I make this work and get our life's back on track. How do I find me????

If you know that you've lost woh you are, I bet you aren't really fooling your family either.

 

I kept the fact that I was abused a secret from most of my family too.  When I did open up, I felt better for it, but when I returned to my abuser, most of my family didn't understand AT ALL.  That's the downside of being honest.

 

But I left for a final time and my family was right there waiting for me -- so to speak.

 

As for getting therapy, I can tell you that I begged, pleaded, and manipulated my Ex into going to counseling.  At first he promised to go, then he backed out at the last minute.  Instead of canceling I kept the appointment.  Counseling was the SINGLE BEST thing I did to heal.  And I did ALOT.

 

So even if hubby won't go, YOU GO, okay? 

 

It will help you find the you you've lost!  Q

 
July 26, 2005, 2:20 pm CDT

Threats...

Quote From: acatlin101

I have been married for 2 1/2 years. My husband and I have one child who is 22 months old and I am expecting our second child in January. I recently found out that he has lied to me about his past. I am trying to forgive him. Then it was internet porn and poker. He says it is a way to deal with pressures at work and with me. He says he felt I didn't want him around me. When we have an argument, he is very clever in turning things as my fault. When I protest, I then become the victim. During the arguments, I have also been called a c***, bitch and recently a whore. He'll then apologize for the name calling and expects to be forgiven. The last fight I told him I was finished with the relationship and wanted to move closer to my parents. (a five hour drive from where we live). I was told I couldn't leave him unless I lived nearby or I leave my daughter permently with him. I was told I could have the expected baby. He didn't care only he wanted our daughter. If I tried to fight for what I believe is normal custody, he would take our daughter no matter what. Threat? He acted shocked when I asked if he meant kidnapping her.

I'm so confused and depressed.

Can anyone help?

My Ex made ALOT of threats.

 

He threatened to kill me, to kill himself, to the kill the kids, to burn down houses (plural!), and to hurt my friends and family.

 

But the threat that kept me in the home WAY longer that I should have been there was the threat that he would take my kids and I would never see them again.  I, too, asked him if he meant kidnapping.  His response was a typical abuser response... VAGUE.

 

My rule on threats is this... if someone says they are going to do something, believe them.

 

So I suggest that do EVERYTHING in your power to not let him get away with his EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL.  That's just what he is doing to you --- blackmailing you so that you will do what HE wants instead of what you know to be right and true for YOUR life.

 

And you have 2 choices.  You can let him get away with it or you can call him on it.

 

By calling him on it, I mean that you come face-to-face with your fears and act ANYWAY.

 

I suggest that you tell EVERYONE about his threats.  I suggest that you contact an attorney and FIND OUT what YOUR legal rights are regarding custody.  Knowledge is power.

 

I also suggest that you educate your self about abuse.  The more you understand it, the more you can FIGHT it.

 

Take care, Q

 
July 26, 2005, 2:27 pm CDT

I am so sorry for your pain...

Quote From: kraziegirl

Lately things have not been good with my mom and step dad. The situation is hard on both me and my mom. You see, my step dad lives in California, and my mom and I live here in Canada, but that's the least of my mom's worries right now. My step dad told my mom back in January I believe, that he needed a 3 month period where they didn't communicate at all, for one thing, why would he need a 3 month period? I mean, he says he loves my mom and I but you know, we're both doubtful, so if he truly loves us then why does he need that 3 months? Anyway, so my mom said, "fine" and they had a break for a while, but then grandpa (my mom's dad)died and well basically there was no sympathy from him towards us. See, what is REALLY making my mom so sad is that if my step dad doesn't want to be with her or doesn't love her anymore, why can't he just tell her that instead of treating her like this. I mean, one minute he's all "I love you" then the next he's all "leave me alone" and I don't get it either. My mom hasn't done ANYTHING to him at all, in fact she's been trying to help him and this is how he treats her. My mom has described this pain as if some one were pulling the limbs off of some animal starting with one, then doing another one. I have seen my mom cry for weeks and it makes me sad as well because I'm only 21 and I feel there's nothing I can do to help her, so I would like to know, what can be done and to be honest, I do think this is abuse, the way he's treating her....it's not fair.

And your Ma's pain!

 

Sounds like your StepDad is the "go away/come closer" type.  It may be that he is afraid to be in a truly committed relationship.  Living with someone who has that kind of fear of intimacy is ripe for CRAZYMAKING!

 

I think, perhaps, your MA needs to decide whether she is going to sit around and wait for this guy or move on.  Personally, my vote would MOVE ON because waiting is only going to bring her more of the same.

 

As for your not knowing what to do to help, that's a really NORMAL feeling.  I think that your just being there to listen is a comfort to your Mom.

 

The best thing your Mom can do is grieve... that will take time. 

 

If she finds she's stuck in her grieving, she needs to seek the help of counselor.

 

Take care! Q

 
July 26, 2005, 2:35 pm CDT

Who Can Helop

My best friend "S" is being controlled by her millionaire husband. He parties with alcohol and cocaine yet the moment she spends 2 hours with a friend for lunch he locks her out of their home saying that he will  not let her in to see their 2 year old daughter. When she tried to leave him before, he called CPS on her and tried to have the baby taken away from her. His money bought him better attorneys. In order to do what was best for the baby, she didnt fight him by physically going into their home and taking the child. She didnt want his accusations of her bi-polarism to seem true. He doesnt even care for the baby much...he hired a nanny to care for her while she was in his custody during all this turmoil. After counseling and her daily efforts...again last night he locked her out of their home because she was with a friend from 7:30-9:30 pm playing darts (a female friend). This is the night after he was out until 2-3 am. Thats neither here nor there. What I want to know is, since she has minimal income (she works full time even though he's a millionaire)...what can she do to best ensure him not taking the child once she decides to get out? Shes saving money for living expenses but how can she get legal advice??? Please help especially if you know anything about Texas laws involving custody.
 
July 26, 2005, 3:23 pm CDT

HAVE A PLAN!!

Quote From: jarnchan

My best friend "S" is being controlled by her millionaire husband. He parties with alcohol and cocaine yet the moment she spends 2 hours with a friend for lunch he locks her out of their home saying that he will not let her in to see their 2 year old daughter. When she tried to leave him before, he called CPS on her and tried to have the baby taken away from her. His money bought him better attorneys. In order to do what was best for the baby, she didnt fight him by physically going into their home and taking the child. She didnt want his accusations of her bi-polarism to seem true. He doesnt even care for the baby much...he hired a nanny to care for her while she was in his custody during all this turmoil. After counseling and her daily efforts...again last night he locked her out of their home because she was with a friend from 7:30-9:30 pm playing darts (a female friend). This is the night after he was out until 2-3 am. Thats neither here nor there. What I want to know is, since she has minimal income (she works full time even though he's a millionaire)...what can she do to best ensure him not taking the child once she decides to get out? Shes saving money for living expenses but how can she get legal advice??? Please help especially if you know anything about Texas laws involving custody.
 
July 26, 2005, 3:31 pm CDT

HAVE A PLAN!!

Quote From: jarnchan

My best friend "S" is being controlled by her millionaire husband. He parties with alcohol and cocaine yet the moment she spends 2 hours with a friend for lunch he locks her out of their home saying that he will not let her in to see their 2 year old daughter. When she tried to leave him before, he called CPS on her and tried to have the baby taken away from her. His money bought him better attorneys. In order to do what was best for the baby, she didnt fight him by physically going into their home and taking the child. She didnt want his accusations of her bi-polarism to seem true. He doesnt even care for the baby much...he hired a nanny to care for her while she was in his custody during all this turmoil. After counseling and her daily efforts...again last night he locked her out of their home because she was with a friend from 7:30-9:30 pm playing darts (a female friend). This is the night after he was out until 2-3 am. Thats neither here nor there. What I want to know is, since she has minimal income (she works full time even though he's a millionaire)...what can she do to best ensure him not taking the child once she decides to get out? Shes saving money for living expenses but how can she get legal advice??? Please help especially if you know anything about Texas laws involving custody.

First on my list would be... go see an attorney familiar with difficult custody cases who knows Texas law.  Usually the first consulation is free.  She needs to bring ALL financial information with her and a list of questions about divorce and custody.  The laws in each jurisdiction vary so your friend needs to see a lawyer in her jurisdiction.  If her hubby is doing cocaine, then she has ALOT going in her favor and any PROOF would even be better.  I suggest she get prepared to insist on drug testing and be willing to be tested herself.  If hubby calls child protective services with a trumped up charge and IF he does this repeatedly, he will be found out and that will NOT go well with any judge.  Making false accusations and/or filing false reports is SERIOUS business.  Also if hubby accuses her of being mentally ill, that is easily refuted -- simply go to your friendly neighborhood psychiatrist or psychologist and get a diagnosis to the contrary.  Just because her hubby has $$ does NOT mean he gets a free ticket to custody but he can make things pretty difficult.  The MAJOR rule for determining who gets custody is who is the PRIMARY CARETAKER.  If that's your friend and she can PROVE it, then she has little to worry about except an ugly custody battle.  I also suggest that she get extra keys to her home because LEGALLY he can not keep her out of "their" property.  The next time he tries this, I suggest that she call the police.  If she wants an equal shot at custody, then, worst case, she needs to be willing to STAY in the home until her divorce and custody agreements are final. There are plenty of books available to help with difficult divorces and the MORE information she has, the better off she will be.  The bottom line is... there is no sure way to prohibit one partner running with or kidnapping a child if they really, really want to.  But there are things you can do to make that more difficult.  Also know that parents who kidnap their children DO get caught and DO GO TO JAIL.  My Ex threatened to take the children out of the country.  So one of the first things I did was make sure I had their passports kept in a safe place BEFORE I left the home and filed for divorce.  By safe place, I mean like a lock box with the key kept at work or with a friend NOT at home in a place where hubby can get the key.  I also had my visitation agreement structured so that he had to ask the court permission to take the children out of the state.  If she has "minimal" income, she may be able to qualify for legal aide -- the number should be in the government pages of the phone book.  If she is saving money, she will need to save or borrow enough for a retainer for her lawyer.  Also if she lives in Texas, that's a community property state, so she will get 1/2 of all assets (houses, cars, boats, RVs, brokerage accounts, 401Ks) and 1/2 of all liabilities (mortgages, loans etc.).  If the house she lives in is worth anything, then she can pay for her divorce with the proceeds from the sale of the house IF her lawyer will agree to that.  Usually lawyers are more than willing to work out a payment plan.  Mine did.  So what she needs BEFORE she leaves, is MORE information and a PLAN.  Q

 

 

 

 

 

 
July 27, 2005, 4:38 pm CDT

Name calling, lies and threats.....

Quote From: acatlin101

I have been married for 2 1/2 years.  My husband and I have one child who is 22 months old and I am expecting our second child in January.  I recently found out that he has lied to me about his past.  I am trying to forgive him.  Then it was internet porn and poker.  He says it is a way to deal with pressures at work and with me.   He says he felt I didn't want him around me.  When we have an argument, he is very clever in turning things as my fault.  When I protest, I then become the victim.  During the arguments, I have also been called a c***, bitch and recently a whore.  He'll then apologize for the name calling and expects to be forgiven.  The last fight I told him I was finished with the relationship and wanted to move closer to my parents.  (a five hour drive from where we live).  I was told I couldn't leave him unless I lived nearby or I leave my daughter permently with him.  I was told I could have the expected baby.  He didn't care only he wanted our daughter.  If I tried to fight for what I believe is normal custody, he would take our daughter no matter what.  Threat?  He acted shocked when I asked if he meant kidnapping her. 

I'm so confused and depressed.

Can anyone help?

Your situation sounds very confusing and depressing, its so sad that your husband is so disrespectful to you. His threats sound very scary, I know, but remember that they are threats comming from his fear, he is playing on your fear...while he is treating you like garbage, at the same time he is scared that you would really leave, this is why he has made such drastic threats regarding your child. He sounds like the classic abuser; it starts out small, and gets worse and worse, right? I urge you to NOT wait for his temper to escalate any further. You wanting to be closer to your family is very, very reasonable, you need the love and support of your family right now. Also, he needs to know that you will not allow him to continue treating you this way! If you do nothing, this won't get better on its own. I know it is very difficult, but you've got to decide what is best for you,  your child, and this unborn baby, and you know that being safe is the most important thing. Its easy to try to 'trick' yourself into thinking he'll stop being mean; he'll stop lieing, etc...but the reality is that he can't stop because this is how he has been living his life for so long. You've made a mistake by marrying this man, but its okay- you are only  human, forgive yourself and move forward. I wish you the best.

 
July 28, 2005, 9:10 am CDT

you're not alone

Quote From: alintime

Hi everyone. this is my first time here and I am very glad that I have found this message board. I have never said this to anyone or out-loud or even wrote it on paper but I am abused..I guess it falls under emotional or mental.. I don't even know. what I do know is that it is destroying me as a person. I have seen myself change so much, I am not who I used to be. I am not who I want to be. I just am now, Like a shell of a person, with not much feeling b/c I have turned myself off to others and even myself. i have been with this person for 11 years and married for 3 we have 2 children, and a nice home. I have found over the years that we argue about the same things over and over, He always brings up the past, I am the one who is always wrong, and he wont stop till I admit that.. the last argument we had left me feeling empty. very empty, and I don't know who to turn to, I don't want to involve my family , most of my friends are to judgmental, I want to start therapy, and I am scared that he wont go b/c he doesn't think he has a problem... so sry for rambling, but I just have to get this all out. It eating me alive inside. I hate how I feel, I have trouble functioning some days, b/c I'm consumed with disappointment and fear and worry, how do I make this work and get our life's back on track. How do I find me????

One thing I've learned from my therapy is that when abuse is the issue, couples should NOT go jointly, because he could use something you said later against you.

You really should start therapy. It makes a huge difference. I'm in individual and group therapy, and it helps a lot to find others in my situation. These women understand exactly what I'm saying and feeling. Most, like me, have never been struck physically. The bruises are inside, eating away at the person I once was and who I'm trying to recapture. Through therapy I'm learning a lot and very, very slowly, I'm learning to find myself again.

All types of women are in this situation, women from every socio-economic category, brilliant, educated women, wealthy women. Abuse doesn't escape anyone, and there's no shame in it.

I still haven't told my family or friends...I'm still grappling with it. I've been married a lot longer than you have (more than twice as long). Here's the question to ask yourself....

Do you still want to be in this same position 10 years from now? If the answer is no, get help. If not for you, then for your children.

 
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