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February 24, 2006, 2:53 pm PST

Balancing Marriage and Family

Quote From: tmiskulin

I wanted to respond to you about a suggestion for your husband... I too was a stay at home Mom for 8 years with my 2 children. One thing that my husband said to me that really made me mad was when he came home from work and I expressed how tired I was, his responce? "What did you do all day beside lay around"? Well, with out leading to an argument, I spent the next day doing NOTHING!, I let dished pile up, laundry lay about, toys, gave the kids a bath, left everything around, plus, let them paint and do play doh too, you name it, I did it. I also threw in NOT making dinner. When he came home and the house was in shambles, he flipped out. I in a very calmly stated that everything that wasn't done is what I do everyday.

It really made him open his eyes. I never had to explain myself ever again. You need to realize as well as your husband, that when he leaves work, he leaves it there. You on the other hand are with your job 24/7, and that includes holidays, there is no lunch break, or vacation time for you. So, you need to come to an understanding with your husband. You cook, he cleans, you do the laundry, he puts them away.

Sometimes guys need to think before they speak, and women need to breath before they explain themselves. You can do this, just relax and talk to your husband, explain your thoughts & feelings to him so that he can get your side of the issue. GOOD LUCK!

I think this could be a real eye opener to some men out there. Hope you don't mind, I actually referred the guy "Grant" who was on the Doctor Phil show, (you know, the guy who has a list of things for his wife to do?) to this post. Maybe he and his wife will come over and read this...Boy, am I thankfull for my husband. :)

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csutwirl

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February 24, 2006, 4:16 pm PST

From another Military wife

Quote From: brandyfra

My husband and I have been married for a little over a year and the topic of divorce has come up several times especially since our son has arrived. Since he has been here my husband and I have been at each others throats. I am with our children all day every day. I dont even go to the store without one of the kids. I understand my husband has a hard job being in the Army and all but I didnt have the kids by myself so I feel he should help out with them rather than letting me do everything for them and with them. When it comes to taking the kids to the doctor I have to do, when it comes to baths I have to do it, when it comes to feedings, changings, clothing, and all that kind of stuff I have to do it. My husband asked mewhy i sound like I am stressed and I told him its because I am stressed. I dont know what a day without kids is like, not even a day but not even a few hours. My husband tells me if I want sometime away from the kids I need to get a job. He says that taking care of the kids is not a job and is easy to do no matter how many kids you have. Anyone have any tips, advice or suggestions to get my husband to help me out with the kids and the household chores?

My name is Jennie and I, too, am a military wife. Unfortunately mine went from working on a ship, seeing the kids every evening from about 4 or 5pm until they went to bed, and having weekends off, to his newest job. Never let yours go recruiter. I don't truely understand why our president who believes so much in our military and their families, keeps them away from us soo much. My husband is a recruiter. Yes, he's home every night. BUT, he sees our children for 10 minutes a day. PERIOD. And works every single Saturday and some Sundays. Our poor children have been in sports and dad has made it to two events, for about twenty minutes before he had to rush off to work. Our day is horrible. It begins with me getting up at 630 to get ready for the day. He wakes the children, gets them dressed, and then goes to take his shower. I take on from there. By the time he is done getting ready for the day, I'm shoeing the kids out the door to go off to school, and he's jumping in his car. My kids go to bed at 730pm. Now, maybe if they stayed up later they would see him more, but they can't keep awake that long. They are only 4 and 6 yrs old. Dad comes home at 9pm. Dinner has been cooked and we had already sat down as a "family" to eat. He's never there. I do the volunteering in the classroom, I do the cooking, cleaning, laundry, baths, grocery shopping, bill paying, clothes shopping, and taking the kids to their sports practices. Dad is never there. To top it off, his cheif says, "You were not given a family entering the Navy, you don't get one. I don't give a @$%$^&*& if you ever see them". We have gone through battles as you. Luckily my husband at least understands that I too hold a job. But then he gets mad when he comes home and I vent to him of my day. He thinks I shouldn't vent to him, because he, too, is working hard. I wish Dr. Phil would do a segment on how hard military families really have it. People may understand our side a bit more and maybe someone could get the president to keep our men from working such horrible hours when they are not deployed.

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mamatene

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February 24, 2006, 7:14 pm PST

Balancing Marriage and Family

Quote From: jettav

Of course I am not Dr. Phil LOLL. But he doesn't respond to these messages, not that I have ever seen......Any way, I thought I might try to put some input on this, it may help or it may not, but here goes.. I grew up in an alcoholic home, only it was my mom casue my dad left us when I was very young, and also I spent alot of my childhood in foster care. But one thing is that I was always taught in my foster home that drugs and alcohol was not good and it was best not to even go there and this something that you need to teach your daughter, These things do more harm then good. My mom spent most of her money running around and drinking and I caught on pretty quick on what this life style can do, thankfully my mom never physically hurt us but emotionally and mentally she did. You need to be there for your daughter and love and respect her and encourage her to be the best that she can be. Communicate with her everyday and talk about her goals with her, what are her hobbies and where is her passion? keep her interested in these things and involved. Playing softball and hanging out at church was my escape from the garbage in my life and it was a great asset later in life........I think if I were you, I would be thankfult hat he doesn't go to your daughter when he is angry, take the venting yourself and then you deal with her on the situations. You say he is good to your daughter so don't take any chances of him lashing out at her in his anger, especially if he has been drinking. She isn't his so I personally wouldn't worry about it..I think maybe talk to him (when he isn't or hasn't been drinking) and tell him how it makes you feel when he comes to you in anger, try encouraging him to come to you and discuss the issues in a caring way and agree that you will discuss it with your daughter..With your love and support, your daughter can learn from the things going on in her home in a positive way, I learned what alcohol and drugs can do to a person and I decided at the age of 14 that my life was going to be different then what I was witnessing from these people and I never once turned my back on my positive thinking. It isn't easy living with an alcoholic but one can survive and care enough for them selves to not get into it. An alcoholic needs help professionally and if they are not willing to get the help and attempt to change then there is nothing any one can do, have you encouraged him to get help and what is his response if you have done this? If you haven't encouraged him then maybe you should. You could also invest in Dr. Phils relationship rescue or another one of his books, he has wonderful info that can be of help. Maybe if your husabnd sees that you are doing something to help your family become stronger then he will attempt to help do this as well. Do what you can to keep your family together and strong through the rough spots but remember, you can't change some one else, that have to work on them. I think a lot of it comes down to attitude and to make life changes, it has to start with ourselves first meaning, work on your self with this situation and pray and hope that through you things can be different....................

Thank you so much for your kind words. My husband has been in treatment in the past, but he wasn't and still isn't ready to admit he has a problem. As for my daughter she is 18 and will graduating 3rd in her class with a 4.22 grade point average. Her goal is to become a bio/medical engineer. We are best friends and communicate extremely well. I have raised her with self confidence and pride in who she has become. You made a good point...it is better for my husband to take his anger out on me and not her, cuz if he did take it out on her we would not be married. I would never allow anyone to mistreat my children. Thank you for reinforcing that. I'm sorry for all the baggage you have had to carry in your lifetime, but on a positive note I feel it has made you a strong soul and that is awesome. Again, that you for your time and energy with you very good advise. I hope to be chatting with you again soon.

Mamatene

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jettav

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February 24, 2006, 7:31 pm PST

Balancing Marriage and Family

Quote From: mamatene

Thank you so much for your kind words. My husband has been in treatment in the past, but he wasn't and still isn't ready to admit he has a problem. As for my daughter she is 18 and will graduating 3rd in her class with a 4.22 grade point average. Her goal is to become a bio/medical engineer. We are best friends and communicate extremely well. I have raised her with self confidence and pride in who she has become. You made a good point...it is better for my husband to take his anger out on me and not her, cuz if he did take it out on her we would not be married. I would never allow anyone to mistreat my children. Thank you for reinforcing that. I'm sorry for all the baggage you have had to carry in your lifetime, but on a positive note I feel it has made you a strong soul and that is awesome. Again, that you for your time and energy with you very good advise. I hope to be chatting with you again soon.

Mamatene

You are welcome and congrats to your daughter. I also thank you for the positive feedback, I really don't know how I made the decissions that I did but I give God himself credit for my life. Things happen to all of us for reasons, at least that is what I believe and with God, I believe all things are possible and this is why I am where I am today. Happily married with two beautiful little girls. I am blessed and actually thank God for my life even the bad times for it can make a person stronger, I guess it depends on who and what they suround them selves with and I did have a lot of positive in my life.. Thanks again and hang in there and be the best that you possibly can be for your family, sounds like you have done a good job with your daughter.

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mamatene

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February 24, 2006, 7:39 pm PST

bad habits are hard to break

Quote From: mtsinger

It definitely appears to be an unhealthy marriage and family. No where in your quote did you mention you loved this man. Do you love really love him and are either of you willing to work on your marriage?

All children should be treated equally. You guys are a family and families do things together. My first husband was like that, never took interest in OUR kids. He was always doing his own thing. If I had to go to work I had to take the kids...he didn't BABYSIT as he called it. Whereever I had to go I took my 2 kids. Needless to say we divorced after 12 years of marriage. The way I figure it, if i'm in this alone I may as well be alone.

Now my ex and I are the best of friends (weird) my kids are now 24 and 18. My ex is at their beck and call. Whatever they need he's there.

For whatever it is worth to you, in my opinion, being married and having separate lives is not living, your are just existing.

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mamatene

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February 24, 2006, 7:45 pm PST

Balancing Marriage and Family

Quote From: jettav

You are welcome and congrats to your daughter. I also thank you for the positive feedback, I really don't know how I made the decissions that I did but I give God himself credit for my life. Things happen to all of us for reasons, at least that is what I believe and with God, I believe all things are possible and this is why I am where I am today. Happily married with two beautiful little girls. I am blessed and actually thank God for my life even the bad times for it can make a person stronger, I guess it depends on who and what they suround them selves with and I did have a lot of positive in my life.. Thanks again and hang in there and be the best that you possibly can be for your family, sounds like you have done a good job with your daughter.

Thank you so much for all the compliments. Life is full of ups and downs. I think it is how you learn from each situation. Make everything positive! Everything in God's time not ours right? I love my husband very much and when he doesn't drink I couldn't ask for a kinder more loving man. Alcohol is quite the competition, somethimes I think if it were another woman I would have a better chance! LOL

Have a good weekend!

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mamatene

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February 24, 2006, 7:55 pm PST

Balancing Marriage and Family

Quote From: whereru

Today was probably the saddest I have ever felt that didn't involve someone dying. My husband and I have been together for many years.....almost twenty but we are late in life parents. We had pretty much given up on the hope of having children. I am handicapped and although I was never told I couldn't have children....it just didn't happen. Three years ago we were blessed with being able to adopt a little boy. He is the absolute light of my life and right now I can honestly say the only reason I smile. My husband that I used to think loved me doesn't. He would never say that.....he doesn't have to. His actions speak volumes. I don't even think he LIKES me anymore.....He would treat a stranger better than he treats me sometimes. Mind you this is a man that has NEVER physically abused me. Someone that most people consider to be a gentle person. But his words have cut me to the core. Today at the grocery store he did something that I couldn't believe. He got paged to go to work (it turned out to be nothing.....he didn't even go). He told me he would meet me at the checkout.....I assumed he was taking our son with him...........WRONG!!!!! He left me and a three year old abandoned in the produce section. As I mentioned I am handicapped and I have to use a wheelchair.............HE LEFT US!!!! I couldn't believe it! Tears just started coming out of my eyes......my little boy was calling "DADDY!" People were looking at me with so much pity.........and I hate that really.....even though it was well meant. I wanted to light in to my husband right then and there but I didn't (trying to take Dr. Phil's advice about not fighting in front of the kid) but it took every bit of restraint I had. Then the tears just started coming and my husband started yelling at me telling me to "Hush that he hadn't done anything to cause me to act like that".....that's how he is.....it's ALWAYS my fault.....he never takes responsibility.......I can't get mad......I'm not even allowed to cry. Like I said....That little boy is my only reason for smiling.

Please don't be offended by what I am going to say.......but for someone to leave a person alone in a wheelchair and a baby is unacceptable. For a husband and a father to do this is far beyond unacceptable.

Life is way to short to be devastated in this manner. If your little boy is the only reason you smile then you need get rid of that husband who has no respect for you or your little boy. Children every emotion we had twice fold, in the long run this man is going to have devastating issues on your son.

It is hard being a single mom. I did it my whole life, I didn't have a husband and children didn't have their father, but one thing we did have was peace of mind and each other and that is all we needed.

My son is now 24 yrs old and my daughter just turned 18. My son has 2 children and a wife with a good job and a happy little family. My daughter is going off to college in june to become a bio/medical engineer! They are awesome people. Don't allow negative thoughts even touch your son. Your love and positive thoughts are all you both need.

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mamatene

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February 24, 2006, 8:05 pm PST

Balancing Marriage and Family

Quote From: cece36

I am also new to this site. I watch dr. phil all the time. I have a current issue in my family, where my husband is bi-polar and we are struggling with his constant mood swings. They can be very hard. We have four boys together ranging from age 5 to 16. It has taken a toll on everyone.

I am also new to this site. Dr. Phil is great isn't he! I wish I had everything together as well as he does. Everything takes time and a lot of work. God Bless You and give you the strength to what is right for your family. Hopefully your husband is willing to take meds. to help him with this crippling condition. Your boys are so young to have to be living with this. Please encourage your husband to seek all the help he can so your lives can be fruitful and happy.

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pro_holi

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February 25, 2006, 12:46 am PST

joint account or separate account?

Hi. My husband did not want me to open a separate account. AFter i left him he closed the joint account so i cannot get money from the bank. He took my debit card as well. When we settled the problem and plan of starting over again I found out that he opened aa second account online with my name in it. What upsets me is that he did not let me know about it. It seemed to me that he has so much control of the finances. He can close or open an account anytime whenever he wants to. I want to be financially independent. What should i do to be financially independent aside from opening a separate account with or without his approval?

Please i need your help. Thanks.

Pro_

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ladidyon

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February 25, 2006, 9:48 am PST

Balancing Marriage and Family

Quote From: pro_holi

Hi. My husband did not want me to open a separate account. AFter i left him he closed the joint account so i cannot get money from the bank. He took my debit card as well. When we settled the problem and plan of starting over again I found out that he opened aa second account online with my name in it. What upsets me is that he did not let me know about it. It seemed to me that he has so much control of the finances. He can close or open an account anytime whenever he wants to. I want to be financially independent. What should i do to be financially independent aside from opening a separate account with or without his approval?

Please i need your help. Thanks.

Pro_

well, you don't state wether you work or not....I am assuming you do or you wouldn't be talking about being finacially independant. If you do indeed have a job outside of the home... you need to, in fact, open up an account of your own.....and have your paycheque automatically credited to that account. There is nothing your husband can do about it. Then you have his attention and some bargaining power.

My husband's pay direct deposits into his personal account. He pays all of the household bills.

We have a joint account that he deposits grocery money from each pay. (An amount that we had both agreed on)

My paycheque auto deposits into my personal account. I buy the extra's for the house, decorating or just things that I feel are needed. I buy the kids clothes as needed. If the kids need money for school or activities....I pay.

My husband pays for any gifts for his side of the family....however I shop for the gifts. I pay for any gifts for my side, and also shop for them.

We each have our own credit cards, and we are each responsible for our own payments.

We decide together on big items for the house and we may pool our funds if an appliance needs replaced or something.

By running the house on one paycheque, it sort of keeps us from living above our means. If he became ill and couldn't work for awhile....my cheque and his insurance would keep us going.

If I got sick...it really would only affect the amount of extra's we could afford.

We both put money toward vacation's....(the TWO we've ever taken that is).

This method has worked for us throughout our 27 years together. Nobody complaining about money being spent by the other. If I can afford something for myself...I just buy it. If the hubby comes home with new tools or something....I do not care.

We have divided up the house chores. We each have specific rooms we are each responsible for. However, unless things get out of control, we do not harp on each other about how well it is kept up. His area, his problem.

If I invite people for dinner....I do all the preparations. If he does the inviting he does all the prep.

If it is people from both sides of the family over....we both prep.

Money problems are likely the most common relationship busters. You should have as much say as he about the finances. If he is using finances to hold power over you.....well ya have more problems than just money.

Approval? Are you his wife or daughter?

.

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Topic : Balancing Marriage and Family

Balancing Marriage and Family

From another Military wife

Balancing Marriage and Family

Balancing Marriage and Family

bad habits are hard to break

Balancing Marriage and Family

Balancing Marriage and Family

Balancing Marriage and Family

joint account or separate account?

Balancing Marriage and Family