Topic : Balancing Marriage and Family

My husband and I have been married for a little over a year and the topic of divorce has come up several times especially since our son has arrived. Since he has been here my husband and I have been at each others throats. I am with our children all day every day. I dont even go to the store without one of the kids. I understand my husband has a hard job being in the Army and all but I didnt have the kids by myself so I feel he should help out with them rather than letting me do everything for them and with them. When it comes to taking the kids to the doctor I have to do, when it comes to baths I have to do it, when it comes to feedings, changings, clothing, and all that kind of stuff I have to do it. My husband asked mewhy i sound like I am stressed and I told him its because I am stressed. I dont know what a day without kids is like, not even a day but not even a few hours. My husband tells me if I want sometime away from the kids I need to get a job. He says that taking care of the kids is not a job and is easy to do no matter how many kids you have.  Anyone have any tips, advice or suggestions to get my husband to help me out with the kids and the household chores?

Dear Brandyfra,

I read what you wrote and recently I read here in Canada in the papers what a stay at home mom is worth. I had to look online but I found something similar that you may be interested in reading and sharing with your husband. He may have a hard job, however he also has the job for life of being a father. There is no excuse to make you work 24 hours a day because he has had a long day. He should be giving you a break and helping out, and there is no excuse for not helping you in any way with the home and kids.

Here's what I thought you'd be interested in reading:

 

"WHAT MOTHERS ARE REALLY WORTH. Stay-at-home mothers wear many hats. They're the family CEO, the daycare provider, accountant, chauffeur, counselor, chef, nurse, laundress, entertainer, personal stylist, and educator. Based on a 90-hour work week, Salary.com has estimated that a fair wage for the typical stay-at-home mom would be well over $90,000 for executing all of her daily tasks. Factor in overtime, and the appropriate salary takes a leap of around $25,000."

If you want to read more the website is:

http://www.salary.com/careers/layouthtmls/crel_display_Cat10_Ser253_Par358.html

 

Good luck and take care!

I feel like a single mom of 4 kids but the last time I checked I only went through 3 labors. My husband wont clean up after himself or anything. He says that his job is really hard and that I don't have anything better to do. I have a son who was diagnosed with ADHD and Aspergers syndrome he sees a psychiatrist once a month and sometimes more depending on his mood. I have to drive an hour to take him. I also have a daughter who is having a real hard time with school and a daughter with asthma. With all of this to deal with it would be nice to have a husband who would be supportive in the things I do. I have told him that I am tired of him not listening to my problems and always wanting me to feel sorry for him, and that I am seriously thinking about divorce, but he doesn't even seem to realize that I am serious. I know that the man wont even consider counseling, because he thinks there's nothing wrong. What am I to do?

Hi. I know all to well what you are going through with your husband because mine is the same way. I really dont know what to tell you what to do because I dont know what to do about my own situation.  I have actually left my husband once because of the way he treats me and my daughter. He tried to take my son because he said I couldnt take care of him. I told him there was no way he was taking my son from me because I am his primary caregiver. My husband at the time had to be made to change a diaper, fix a bottle, etc... My son is 7 months old and my husband has only given him ONE bath his entire 7 months here on earth. The rest of the times he has had baths I have given them.   Needless to say i didnt stay gone but 1 day which I think is the problem. He thinks if I leave I wont be gone long, he knows exactly what to say and do to get me to come back to him. I hope everything works out well with you and your husband. My prayers are with you.

I've been where you are and I just wanted you (tierd5 & brandyfra) to know that some husbands DO end up seeing the light.  My husband was all the things you describe after our first child together and continuing after the birth of our second child.  If I had a hundred things to get done and called him to ask him if he could just save me a trip and bring milk home on his way from work, he'd simply say "No."  It was as simple as that with him.  Then when our youngest was around 2-1/2 I was noticing vast improvements.  Now he is really an involved dad.  Now and then I see a little of the old behavior, but it's usually if he's really stressed or overtired.

 

Everyone's situation is so different, I'm not saying it will happen with your husbands.......but I wanted you to know it *can* happen.   Good luck - and remember, you're not alone!

brandyfra,

 

Just because your husband is in the Army and works hard, that is no excuse for not helping you out around the house when he gets home.  I don't know what he does, but being a veteran myself, I know there is one day a week where the soldiers are released early for "Family Time".  If he isn't helping you out more on that day, then kick his butt and make him help out.  I think that Dr. Phil said it one (or more) of his shows that being a full time mom is like the equivalent of two full time jobs.  I think that's what he said.  That article that was posted in response also proves that point.

 

You shouldn't have to get a job to get some time to yourself.  That isn't fair to you.  One thing that I did with my husband (not service, just lazy) was tell him "Here, you get to watch our son, I'm going out for a few hours."  And I'd leave.  I'd go to the mall and walk around, or take care of some errands I'd been putting off because kids would make it harder.  If you're not around, he has to step up as the father.  Don't be hesitant about demanding time to yourself.  He gets his time while he's at work.  He should reciprocate for you when he gets home.

Parenting is definetly a 24/7 job and it takes both parents to parent the child and just becasue one brings home the paycheck does not exempt that parent from parenting. Now, I think with this parenting it has to come with love, respect and honor and if a couple truly has these qualities for his/her spouse then each will do their part. My husband works two jobs and still takes time for his family. I tell him often how much I love and appreciate his desire to work and provide for his family. The two jobs is his choice which I was hesitent about but he wanted it to help start the home business so he went with my blessings. He also encourages and appreciates me for all that I do for the family. There are times when he doesn't always get it! but I think for some guys they just don't always know what or how to do something as it is women who actually have the caregiver traits. I have posted a list of things that have to be done in day/week and will mark things off as they are done and hubby has the list right there to look at and he can see what needs to be done. I make the list starting from high priority to lowest priority and what gets done gets done but what doesn't, well, it can wait. I have learned that stress only makes everything worse. Depending on the day, there are times when hubby has to offend for himself for dinner, all he has to do is go to the freezer and get something out as I freeze all leftovers and keep a few stouffers on hand, he pops it in the microwave and there it is, sometimes, he irons his own clothes and puts them away, of course when I can, I have no problem doing it. When I need a break, I tell him I am going out for a bit and I leave. Of course when making plans to go out with a friend or whatever I may be doing, I make sure all is ok with him physically and emotionally and that there are no other plans already made. I have also went as far as paying a sitter to watch my girls while I went out for a bit, they love going to other people's home, hubby gets the rest he needs and I am enjoying a friend. I have also encouraged hubby to take some time to himself before coming home from work so he is a little more relaxed when he gets home. I usually will have the girls downstairs watching a show when he first gets home, then he can come in and not be attacked, he has a minute to settle and all is well., he is ready to help out. Just like a marriage, parenting takes work, committment, respect and both people to make it effective and a joy. There has to be a plan in place. and for those spouses who do not think it is their respeonsibility to help care for the kids, I feel sad for you, for you are missing out ona wondeful adventure of watching your children grow up and remember, when you go to work, you get a break for lunch and you have the commute home so the least you can do is give your spouse the respect they deserve and give them the break and time that they need and definetly deserve for they are doing the most imporant job in the world and that is taking care of the little ones in which mom and dad created together.

I was re-married two years ago and I do enjoy being married to my husband.  He truely is a great guy.  He has a daughter who I love like she was my own.  However, I am feeling very slighted over the time he spends with her.  I do not mind that he spends time with her, its what he does with her.  He does things with her that I would enjoy.  My family recently purchased a beach home and he took her there go drive around, and boat around.  I have not had the opportunity to do that because the home was gutted, so any time down at the beach has been for work purposes so far.  He takes her to sculpture parks, museums, helicopter rides and we barely get out.  One of the things I  fell in love with about him was the wonderful father that he is, I just didnt know that I would not be included in any of the fun stuff.  I tell him how I feel but the fact is that its over and he will not stop doing these things with his daughter, and he wants to spend time alone with her so I am not invited.  It makes me sad and I feel like I never get a "first" with him.  any advice?

it is very imporant for couples to spend some time together and I would suggest that you and he have a talk and figure out at least once a month whatever would work and have a day set aside where it is just the two of you. Marriage is about love and respect and honoring one another. You also need to respect the time that he has with his daughter, there is absolutely nothing wrong with him spending this time with his daughter and you need to make that clear to him but he needs to make you a high priority as well if he wants this marriage to last a life time. Balancing family and marriage is not always easy but it is possible, you need to talk to him about how he feels about your marriage and what the two of you can do to make both of you happy and content with being a family. We all have needs and desires and deserve to have them met.

My husband and I have been arguing all day. It first started when I woke up to see that our 7month old son had no formula and my husband took ALL the money to work with him except what he had in our safety deposit box at home. I got in it and got some money out to get our son some formula because I could not get intouch with my husband. When my husband finally called I had already left the house so I told him what I did and he got very mad at me for taking the money(even though it was to get our son formula). When he got mad and started yelling at me over the phone I told him that I have had it with his attitude and told him I was going to leave so we (me and our kids) wouldnt be such an incovience to him anymore. When I got home to get some stuff together he wasnt here so I had some time to cool off and think about things before I left. I found out he had taken ALL the money in the safety box to work with him well he took the whole box.  On top of him not helping me with the kids and the household chores he wants to be an ass about the money and stuff. I am so stressed out all the time i find myself crying. I wrote my husband an email to tell him we needed to sit down and talk about our problems. When he got home he read it and I basically wasted my time and made my carpal tunnel flare up by typing it. He didnt want to talk about anything he just wanted to sit infront of the computer and let people tell him how to spend his money(money that we dont really have). I asked him to get up and pick his military gear up and put all of it in one spot...That doesnt get done he is sleeping in the recliner right now like I never asked him to do anything. I am at my wits end. I dont know what to do. He doesnt want to talk about our problems he never wants to spend anytime together. He would rather sleep than spend time with his family.  I need some help....Do I leave and make him realize he has a great family? or do I wait and see if things will get better. I have left before but he told me he was going to kill himself so all of our money problems will go away and our kids will never have to want for anything because if he dies I get 250,000 $. That just broke my heart because I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. HELP ME PLEASE!!!