Topic : Cheated On

My husband and I had only been married for nine months when I got pregnant.  We renewed our vows and were happy for awhile.  After our second child was born I became depressed but did not recognize the signs.  About nine months after I had the baby my husband felt that I was not taking care of his needs and decided to go and cheat with a girl he had been with before we got married also a best friend of mine at the time.  Well a month after he cheated I  moved out because we had been fighting for two months and were not getting along.  After I moved out he chose to again to cheat with the same woman two more times.  When I found out about it he told me that I left him and he considered us done.  The time of year he cheats is at our Fourth Of July events at the beer tent at the local carnival.  I decided to forgive him but can never forget.  He has decided that after three years that he no longer wants to be married and wants a single life.  What I dont understand is why he even married me if he never intended to stay with me for the long haul.  He is a man who is a dj and is constantly in bars and playing bars.  I thought that once he got married it would be enough.  Now I have to raise my three children ( I have a son from a previous relationship) all alone with my husband wanting a divorce, but wanting us to be best friends.  How do I continue to go to his home, have dinner, hang out and do things like a family when he wants the divorce.  I love my husband and I am willing to get counseling for the help we need but he says that there is no hope for us.  Can you give me advice about what I should do and handle all of this?

Your husband needs to grow up. He is acting like a child that is bored and looking for new friends. He needs to wake up to the fact that he has children of his own that need him, and he's setting a lousy example for them. Try getting him into counseling, he desperately needs to wake up. I would also recommend Dr Phil's FAMILY FIRST. I hope for you and the kids' sake he has enough decency to realize he's making a huge mess of things. I also had an immature husband who promised me he was ready to settle down and have kids to get me to marry him. Then when I got pregnant it was the end of his world and he ran off with another low person who eventually stuck it to him. He had no intention of trying to work things out, he just wanted what he wanted when he wanted it- like a child. Oh, and of course when he caught his girlfriend with someone else he thought he could crawl back to me, the only adult he knew.
Whatever you do, have a clear head for what is best for you and your children. You are the responsible one in their lives.

Well my husband and I have been married for 13 years now...But 5 years ago he cheated on me with his boss..He desperately wanted to be promoted and she knew that. She took high advantage of the situation and apparently told him if he slept with her he would recieve that promotion..Calls came into our home all hours of the night,he was constantly rushing to the "store" for her, She picked him up alot of the time ect..I found out from a few people and confronted him...not to say I had suspected something way before I was told. He didnt deny it, but his reasoning for it was off the wall...He still sticks to his excuse.. He was forced!!! HELLOOOOOOO.....It has affected our sex life to this day...I think perhaps we have made love 3 times in 4 and a half years....Alot of it is me...I just cant do it...He is a  wonderful sex partner but his affair destroyed me so deeply....I dont throw it in his face...its hardly ever discussed....but when he asks me in serious conversation why I dont make love to him very often...It all goes back to his excuse for the affair...What do I do...I dont want a divorce and I want this all to work out....Ive told him his excuse is unexceptable but he shrugs his shoulders and says "Well thats what happened and thats why I did it." ggrrrrrrr.......Our sex life was wonderful before the affair........

I have a really good friend who's husband cheated on her and also got involved in drugs, it is such a sad and bad thing when people decide to go against their vows and fall into the trap of deception, cheating only makes things worse and certainly does not help any one, This situation was so hard for my friend as well as for those who were close to the family, this guy is also a very good of mine as well as hubby's and to see this is just so heartbreaking. They are now divorced and she is happily remarried which she certainly does deserve after all the turmoil and hell that he put her through but my heart breaks for him, as we care for him deeply, for those of you who might be cheating on your spouse, you are damaging yourself, your spouse as well as others around you, cheating on a spouse I think has got to be the lowest thing a person can do. For those who have been cheated on, My heart goes out to you, Thre are people out there who care and who can help you through the disappointments and deciet, but do know that it is possible to love and to love again. And as far as having friends of the opposite gender, I have male friends and my hubby has female friends, nothing wrong with that. I have a couple of male best friends who I had been friends with way before hubby came into the picture and no way will I give up those friendships just becasue I am married. My hubby and I have a loving and good marriage and we trust each other and communicate and care about one another. Friendship is a wonderful thing and I am thankful that I have the friends that I have, male as well as female, absolutely nothing wrong there. But I suppose there are some who couldn't have friends of the opposite gender for fear of going to bed with them? or falling in love with them? Never once occurred to me about my friends but I suppose it could happen with some. I also have friends who are single, male and female and I love hanging out with them and they hang with hubby and me, friends are friends and whether they are married or single should have no affect on how we should live our lives, But again, I suppose that would depend on how much the married couple loves, respects and trusts each other, All a matter on how we live our lives.

Would you agree that this is no kind of a marriage? If he cheated before, and you are only having sex maybe once a year, he's probably cheating now. Would you agree that what you're doing is not working? Not even slightly?
You're denying yourself out of anger and spite, but it's probably hurting you more than your husband. His denial about what motivated his cheating with his boss is a big camouflage, just like you know it is.
So, he did this 5 years ago and you've been living with all this anger. You probably have a lot of anger and self contempt for yourself also for putting up with this jerk. Can you see this going on indefinitely?
It will unless YOU do something about it. Your husband's past behavior is a good indicator of his future behavior, so 1) he's not going to do anything to help you feel better or trust him again, 2) he apparently doesn't care that you are hurting, 3) he'll probably do it some more.
Even if you can't get him to go to counseling, go yourself. You need to get out of denial and decide what YOU want in life. Asking for help can be the first step in getting better and getting what you want. Posting here was an indication that you won't put up with this anymore, go with this motivation. Good luck.

Sometimes I think being upset is not from my husband cheating on me , but from the hurtful words and how he treated me during that time. Jealous - fearful of being replaced....that's only one definition. That's me. When my husband cheated on me, we lost something in our marriage, but have certainly gained in other areas.  I'm sorry to hear about your friend. I do agree with you that everyone should have friend regardless of their gender. Our marriage is very strong at this point, however the thoughts won't go away. I spoke with my doctor, regarding this issue. When our marriage was hurting, and I left he wanted to forget me by bringing another woman in our home, but at the same time we spent countless days and nights together. Therefore he couldn't forget me. He told me it wasn't the same. He also said he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me. I want to believe him, but the trust is far from where it once was. Until he gains that trust back, I'll continue to worry. I want my husband to have friends, because I want friends. We all do...I have to make the choice to forget or continue to dwell on the issue. I can't erase what's been done, but I feel I can prevent it from happening again.  

  

Thank you for the reply.  

I honestly cannot say that I understand where you are coming from for I am fortuanate in having a faithful and loving husband, but I do understand what you are saying. trust is very imporant and I think wjen one crosses the line then they need to make it a goal to prove themselves worthy of that trust again. I have friends (He has recently deceased) that had been married but he was an alcoholic and was never home, he never helped witht he kids and all, he was aloways oiut and he ended up in prison for robbing a bank, I don't know all the details there but his wife divorced him and of course the family very rarely visited him while in prison, well long story short he ended up becoming a christian while in prison and everything about him changed, he eventually got pout of prison and he and his ex started talking and then started dating again and they remarried and was very happy and got along wonderfully, he would do anything for her but he also realized that he had to be accountable not only to God but to her as well, he had to continuously prove his love and faithfulness to her, not in the respect that he wasn't good enough for her or whatever but just the fact that he had failed her once and he realized that he had to be on gaurd at all times, though his kids had a little bit of an issue with him as expected, he did everything in his power to love and to make up for the wrong that he had done to his family, He became a wonderful christian man who together with his wife worked daily to make his marriage survive, It takes a lot of work and committment on both sides as marriage is about two people, I think it basically comes down to attitudes and desires, forgiving is not an easy thing but it is possible, Hang in there and be the best wife that you possibly can be and keep the communication lines opened, I think this is where most people fail in marriage is the fact that communication is not good, Know in your heart that you love this man and that you want it to work, if this is the case and you aree both working at it 100% then I believe you can have the spark back, not easy but possible. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Thanks for your reply. It does help a litte just to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way. I don't know what bothers me most really, the fact that he does it, or the fact that he says he doesn't and I end up catching him. We've recently gotten back together since the separation and bought a house. We are supposed to move in two months, and he will move here temporarily at the end of this week, but lately our fights have gotten more severe and frequent. I think it all stems from the same thing...the mistrust and dissappointment of being treated like I am not good enough because I disagree with some of his "hobbies" (not just the porn.) Do you find that you fight more often about everything because this issue is constantly in the back of your head, making everything else seem worse?

You need to ask yourself some serious questions: why are you going to settle for this man? Do you think that he is all you deserve? Do you feel that this is the best it will ever get for you, so you are willing to settle for it?  

I don't understand why is it that you have issues with trust and him lieing to you, yet you are back together and buying a home together-- thats crazy! I don't mean any disrespect, you have asked for advice and I am responding. I understand that very often our emotions take over and we do things out of  "love"... but you've got to listen to and use your head in this relationship because you are digging yourself deeper and deeper into a hole that it will be harder and harder to get out of- and it sounds like you KNOW you won't be able to stay in this relationship forever. Don't lie to yourself, you are only hurting yourself. You deserve to be truly happy and respected in a relationship. It takes two to make it work, though. You can't make it work on your own, he has to own up to him mistakes/issues/lies and make things right, or you will never have that full trust that you deserve. Be good to yourself. 

Thanks again for your reply. I did ask for advice, and believe me, your view is shared by many of my friends as well. And as much as I see the truth in that advice, I also see the other sides of the relationship that outsiders don't see...and that is where my reasons are coming from. Things like his dedication to be a good father regardless of our relationship...and the fact that he doesn't know HOW to be a decent husband, he's raised himself and been around nothing but disfunction all of his life. He's willing to learn, but personality traits are deeply engrained. And also that he DID own up to his cheating when he decided that our marraige was worth saving. He really sees the internet porn as "no big deal" since everyone he knows is on his side, and I think it'll take a long time for him to realize that it's a very BIG deal to me! 

I also have my moments when I agree with you...I DO deserve a trusting, respectful relationship, and I don't think I should settle...which is what started the separation to begin with. I insisted he make a decision before our daughter caught on to what was happening (she was a newborn). We went to a so-called therapist, who told me I was wrong, that MANY marraiges are happy when one member chooses not to be monogomous...that i was dillusional to think that ANYONE is faithful ALL the time....and that if I didn't like it I should leave the relationship. But after much thought and discussion with my husband (and alot of thinking without him) I decided Im not willing to quit yet...like the Dr. Phil advice to not leave a stone unturned...to EARN the divorce. And I haven't earned it, there is more good than bad right now.  

Am I still seeing the situation through blind eyes? Or am I being rational? Advice is appreciated, and perhaps more insight on my thinking might make me look less silly regarding my decision. Thanks again for listenening!