Topic : Cheated On

you have reason to be.  Your also going to get mad, frustrated and very disapointed at times. You have been betrayed by someone you love.

You also married someone who had cheated on you before.. so you knew his history before you walked down the isle.  You also know that his story about just being "friends" is BS and he is having another affair.  If your not at her house with him, then he has no right to be there without you.

Men cheat for a reason, usually lack of sex, attention and not feeling important to their partner.  You need to ask yourself why he is cheating, what is he not getting from your relationship?  Are you paying more attention to your child than him?  Do you have a good sex life?  Do you make him feel like he is that special person in your life?

Like I told the other poster, my experience has told me that men usually cheat for those reasons listed above.  Time to have a talk with  your husband and ask him what he is missing in your relationship that makes him look outside the marriage ... Only you can deceide if you want to stay, if you think you can make him happy enough not to stray in the future.  Some men like the chase, like the conquest... and they will never be faithful... some just want sex and don't care with who.. you need to figure out which he is and whats best for you and your child.  If your going to be fighting and arguing all the time then thats not a good enviroment for a child to be living in either.... Good luck

I haven't been comming to the site anymore... and I just wanted to say hi and hope your doing well.

((hugs))  Brad

my son in law cheated on my daughter, there is a 9 year old girl from this.  my daughter just had the woman come in the middle of the night to beat on the door, the cops had to be called it must have been a mess. 2 weeks ago that woman drove up in to my daughters driveway with his truck, she left when she seen her on the deck, then she called and said to her that they both love a man that does not love them.  The story goes on and on, this last incident happened at 1:45 AM, she told my daughter that he has been sleeping with her for the past 18 month, he denies that totally, but about 18 month ago the little one said that she woke and Daddy was hugging Mommy on the bed.  My daughter is intelligent, but when it comes to this guy, she is not.  This is not the only woman that she knows of.  When do the "lights" come on for her, is there anything I can do to help her see the "light".  He is good at his game and always had been, we warned her about him before they got married because he was pursuing other girls then too.

I hate that she has to go through this again... 

Any ideas about this?

Question: 

How do I approach him?  Talk face to face or write a letter?  With my pregnancy being high risk I have tried to keep things stable and not confrontational.  I have my moments of intense anger and hurt and don't want that to cloud my statements to him. I understand that he was under stress during the cheating and still is. The baby coming won't make it better.  The baby is due in August.  I need the 100% truth from him....how can I know for sure that what he says is the truth.  The way he looks at me, the way he hugs me or him swearing on the bible?  I can wait until the baby is born, that way I can fully express how I feel without the worry of how it effect the baby. 

    I am concerned of his next move after the talk; the talk about either saving the marriage because we love each other or saving it just for the kids and third ending it all together.  He may go over the edge and his health may be effected (headaches, being sick, etc).  Why should I care how he reacts to what I have to say when he clearly didn't think of how his actions would effect me and the pregnancy? 

    I never neglected him....I did try at times pleasing him sexually even when the doctor said no sex.  I knew his sex drive is intense and was worried this might happen when I learned of the pregnancy.  It's hard to be a wife when you're on bedrest and can only get up to eat or go to the bathroom.  Most women don't have difficult pregnancies like mine and can do it all.  This wasn't a planned pregnancy at the moment but it is a blessing to me. 

   So, to end this post....he wants to go on trips after the baby is born, spend more time together.  I want that to...but when we come back home the reality of having two small babies is always there.  That's our world now.  I believe he works long hours to escape it.....I can't escape it.  Most women can't. They work and take care of home.  Some men do it too, but it's in our nature to be superwomen trying to do it all.  Trying to find a balace is hard when you don't have money for a nanny (to get time alone) and you're on bedrest.

Thanks in advance!

I really need to get this off my shoulders and I don't have anyone to talk to. How do tell your casual friends or your grown children that your husband has been cheating?  That's not the most awful thing, though.

My husband and I have been married for 16 years.  I have 3 children from my first marriage and he has helped me raise the kids all this time....financially.  If anyone is married to someone who is not the father of your children, you know how difficult life can be sometimes.  My two daughters live on the east coast.  My son lives with us...he's a college student with one year left.

Five years ago, my hsuband decided he wanted to transfer in his job to the west coast.  I didn't want to go.  My entire family lives on the east coast.  But he made the decision to move anyway.  I went through a rough time....missing my family and friends.  But I got a job and struggled through.

The relationship between my husband and I had it's ups and downs.  He's never been a man who talked very much about anything....especially anything to do with feelings.  But, as time went by, he grew less and less talkative.  I talked to him about our relationship often.  I told him that I was tired of feeling like I had a messy roommate instead of a husband and that I wanted to work on being closer again.  He would just smile and pat me on the back and say okay.

In April, while looking for nailclippers to trim the cat's claws, I found condoms in his travel bag.  I had a tubal ligation after the birth of my son, so we didn't need condoms....and we hadn't needed anything at all for over a year.  He had rejected me so often that I told him if he wanted me he could ask because the rejection was killing my self-esteem.  I asked him about the condoms and he made some lame excuse about being on a business trip years ago and finding them in his hotel room.  He didn't know why in the world he'd kept them, but he'd throw them away now if that would make me feel better.

He'd always taken care of our finances and had all our accounts online, but I didn't know the password.  I asked him for the password and he put me off for several weeks before he finally gave it to me.  He did a good job cleaning up the current bank statement, but the past statements showed that he had withdrawn large sums of money on days he wsa supposed to be at work.  He had transferred money from our savings to cover the balance he was withdrawing, and he'd even gotten cash advances on credit cards...one that's in my name.  I started looking through his stuff.  He's a pack rat and had probably two years worth of receipts and paid bill statements on his dresser.  I found copies of two credit card checks (the one in my name) that he had forged my signature to.....$7500 worth. The total amount over the last year and a half (I could only see that far back online) of withdrawals from our bank account, and credit card cash advances comes to $23,600.  That doesn't count the $7500 he forged on my credit card.  I also found a piece of paper with an address in his handwriting.  It was for an escort service.

I went back east a few months ago for 4 days to go wedding dress shopping with my daughter.  While I was gone, he checked into a very expensive hotel for the entire time I was gone, and he withdrew $1500 from our bank account during that time period. 

I also found out that he has two credit cards that I didn't know about.  The balance on those two is $15000.  All together, our credit card debt is $45000.  Some of that is legitimate. I don't know how much is legitimate, though, because I can't see beyond a year past on one of the credit cards that I have access to.  I assume that the credit cards I didn't know about are all hooker-related debt simply because I didn't know about them until I realized there were more credit card payments on our bank statements.

I spoke to an attorney.  He told me that I wouldn't be responsible for any of the debt that wasn't accrued for "the marriage or the family."  All this time, he's been telling me "Don't spend too much on Christmas presents.  We can't afford it."  and "You'll have to wait to go to the dentist.  We can't afford it right now."

I confronted my husband last weekend when my son was at work.  At first, he didn't say anything.  He hid face in his hands.  Then, he told me that he guessed he was just getting back at all those girls who had rejected him when he was younger.  Nice, huh?  Get back at those girls and devastate the woman who has taken care of you for 16 freaking years!

I've made an appointment with a counselor, but they didn't have anything open before mid-July.  I should have called weeks ago.  My husband says he wants to work things out.  I can hardly stand to be in the same room with him.  I don't know that I want to work things out.  I almost think that if it had been an affair, I could think about it differently, but cheating with prostitutes is unforgivable in my book. 

We could be doing well now, financially, except he decided to spend all of our money we've worked to save on his own fantasies. Now, I'm probably not going to retire before I die because of him.  And there's no way we can sell our house and take a loss.  I'm not going bankrupt at this point in my life.

I totally understand what you are going thru right now. My husband isn't a talker either, never has been, but when he started pulling away I knew something was wrong.  I have been struggling with my husband cheating also since Feb.  I can tell you that its hard to look at my husband the same way, I will never feel the same for him.  His violating the trust and stepping outside our marriage has left me feeling devastated also.  We are living under the same roof because I can not afford to live elsewhere until our home sells.  Mine didn't use hookers, but signed up and made a profile on to a sex website for "hook up sex", hiding his credit card statements so I wouldn't find the charges.  So he might as well of had hookers since the risk for sexually transmitted diseases with these women for hook up sex is the same as with a hooker..maybe more cause I don't know if he even used condoms.

I can tell you that you will have days of extreme anger, sadness, fear.. all the emotions that there are, you will experience.  I can also tell you that you will never trust him again, he has managed to hide this and cheat on you for years.. so the likely hood of him changing this behavior now is slim. 

Are you prepared to leave him?  Are you hoping that the counseling will "fix" things so you can stay together?  Are you going to be able to have sex with him without your stomach turning every time he touches you?  Can you get over your repulsion of him having sex with hookers or escorts or anyone other than you all these years? Do your realize that if you don't push to have sex with him he will continue to have sex with others?  Does your job pay enough that you can support yourself and move out?

If you decide to stay with him is it because you think the marriage can be saved or only because you can't afford to move on without him?  will you be able to trust him when he goes out of town or if you have to leave for a couple of days?  Can you hold on long enough for the economy to turn around so you can sell your house and get out of debt? 

Sometimes the knee jerk reaction to leave the marriage right now isn't practicable.. I know for me this is where I am now.  I have to live under the same roof until I can afford to move out.  Its very difficult to do, I don't even like to look at him.. He is trying to made amends and make the marriage work, but I just can't get over how he ruined the marriage by his own selfish sexual desires and not talking to me about it and turning outside the marriage to find someone to just have sex with when I was right here lying beside him.

Its hard to fathom how someone could be so selfish, how your own needs were pushed aside, how you bend over backwards to make him happy when your own happiness was shoved aside and put down.  There are important decisions to be made, I can tell you that you will waver back and forth.. you will stress out big time, you will want to snip and snap at him and you have every reason to feel this way! 

He needs to "get it" he needs to understand how devastated you are because of HIS behavior.  He needs to know that he ran the marriage off into the ditch.  He needs to learn how to communicate, how to tell you how he feels, how he needs to reach out to you and not to someone else.  He needs to be transparent to you, all bills, all credit cards, all banking info, all cell bills, everything out into the open.  All bills come to the house none to his office address so you can see them.  You need to run his name and your name also for that matter thru a credit check to see if there is anything else you haven't found yet.

 All financial info and decisions need to be done as a couple, no more just "him" taking care of the finances from here on out.  If he is going somewhere, you need to call and check to see if he is there, if possible where he goes you go.  Its like having a child all over again.. but the trust is gone and now it has to be rebuilt back..if that is possible.. personally I don't think it is.  You have found a side of him you didn't think he had, you found that he has different morals than you do.  Men will have sex with anyone or anything given the right opportunity.. sometimes they go out of their way to make the opportunity happen so they can get the sexual gratification they want, when they want it.  They don't think of the consequences because they don't believe they will get caught.. its that selfish.  You need to find out if he has a sexual addiction that will inhibit him from correcting this behavior.

I wish you luck, I hope you can make an informed decision after you get some counseling.. just be careful of him saying things only because he knows it what you want to "hear" to take the heat of himself. Take care~Red

How to approach him,,, well face to face is the best way.  If you are better at writing, then make notes of what you want to say to him but still do it face to face talking.  Don't pussyfoot around things, if your angry then he needs to know it, if your hurt he needs to see that.

How to tell if he is telling you the truth?  There is no way, if his story doesn't make sense, then its probably a lie.  If he doesn't "get it" that he has hurt the marriage and he needs to change his behavior, then chances are he doesn't understand or care what he has done to your relationship.  If he isn't being open and verbal about how he feels, if he is still taking rides from this woman...

You have every right to be concerned about what will happen after your talk with him.  But you know what, he needs to man up and be the husband you thought you married.   You can be on bedrest and still be able to give him oral satisfaction,, all you need to do is roll over on your side or have him stand in front of you.. so if you have been orally satisfying him sexually on a regular basis, then he shouldn't have been turning t someone else... if he did then there is another problem within your marriage besides the lack of sex and you need to find out what that is.

Taking a trip after the baby is born is a good idea, but he might be scared to have sex with you for fear of you getting pregnant again!  What are your plans for birthcontrol? Are you going to get your tubes tied?  If he is working to escape, then you need to find that out also, home needs to be a safe place to come at the end of his day.  He needs to feel happy to come home to you and the children, not dreading that.  Ask him how he can make home a better place for him.  You need a day out to yourself as well, and you need to take a day everyweekend for the two of you to have a date nite.  You need to get the spark back, but he needs to know that he helped make these children and they are his responsibility as well and its time to act like a husband and a father.. the one that you would be proud to call your husband... Keep in touch ~Red