Topic : Cheated On

I really appreciate your insight.  I'm sorry you're going through this too. 

 

I made an appointment for counseling yesterday, but it's not for him or us.  It's for me.  I'm so angry and hurt.  I can't stand to look at him.  I don't want him to touch me.  I feel sick when he walks in the door in the evening. 

 

I'm like you....our house has lost at least $100K of it's value since we bought it.  Since my husband has maxed out the credit cards, we couldn't get a loan for the amount we would owe if we could sell it.  And since he's depleted our savings, there's nothing left.  I wish I could sue him for fraud and theft. 

 

I can't believe I trusted him, but everybody does.  They would be totally jaw-dropping shocked if they knew what he's been doing.  They probably wouldn't even believe it.  But I have eveidence.  He forged my signature on two credit card checks and I made copies of the receipts...the ones you get at the ATM when you make a deposit....he got copies!  Now, I have them.  I told him that if he ever used that card again, I'd have him arrested for forgery. 

 

Right now, my self-esteem has taken such a blow...with the rejection sexually, with the betrayal, with the theft of money that I had earned.  I need a counselor to help me put it all in perspective and to help me get over it, so I can move on.

 

My son has one year left in college.  This year is going to be tough for him.  He's had a job all through school, but this year, his schedule is going to be so full, that he won't be able to work.  I can't leave him when he's doing so well.  He's a good student and I won't abandon him when he's almost reached his goal...especially since leaving would be making a move back to the east coast. 

 

My daughter is getting married in the fall.  We've know this since last fall.  My husband has withdrawn $5000 for his little escapades just this year.  Now, he tells me we can't afford to pay for her wedding.  What a jerk.  I'm sick....just sick.  It's all I think about.  I can't sleep well.  And he sleeps like a freaking baby.  I feel like setting his alarm clock for 3AM just so he'll get a big wake up call in the middle of the night.

 

I don't know what to do. I have so many responsibilites I have to consider.  I wish my dad was still alive.

I am not really too sure if this is where I should be asking for advice I think I am in the right place? I have been with this guy for 8 years, we have a child and I am pregnant. I just found out he cheated and I am devestated. I always thought I could be that one person who could say at least my boyfriend doesnt cheat, well he did, i'm not to sure if I can ever forgive him or move forward this has just happened and I am bringing it up everyday, I want things to work because I do love him and I know this is not him. He has a problem with drugs and is trying to battle this, he wasnt living with me recently and he had moved in with this couple, she was doing the drugs with him and telling him everything he wanted to hear, that I wasnt there for him if I loved him I would accpet his drug problem not matter what, I want to work with him and move thru all the issues we have I am just not sure where to start or how to move to the next step some one please help me

I can identify with what your saying so much its like reading something I wrote myself.  I'm so glad that you are going for counselling, maybe it will help you get a perspective on things.  You need that right now.  Does he know that your going? Has he offered to go get help? Like a good thearipist that deals in sexual addictions?  Does he make any effort to patch things up with you, or is he still silent and withdrawn?

 

The fact that you have a son to still help out is rough, and its even worse that he has spent the money that was suppose to go towards your daughters wedding.  Like that is just plain crap!

 

He needs a wake up call, and I don't just mean his alarm going off.. although that would be nice!  You have so much on your plate, what would it take to shake this man up?

 

You were very smart to make copies, at least you have evidence of what he has done.  They might come in very handy when divorce time rolls around. Is there anything you can do legally right now?  It seems like he is getting off scott free from this mess he has created.  How about putting your hand out each pay day and making him give you a certain amount towards repayment? Or set up a seperate bank account in your own name that he doesn't know or have access to?  Take money out of your joint account and put it in your account little by little till its paid off?  You need to take the financial control away from him and put it in your hands, I'm sure that your more than capable of looking after the finances better than he has done?

 

Self-esteem.. boys hear you on that as well.  I feel so awful about myself that it isn't even funny!  I thought that meeting this man at 45yrs old, that I had hit the jackpot and that he would never do this to me.. I was wrong. Now I firmly believe that men just can not stop acting on their own sexual desires long enough to think about anyone else but themselves.  Mine is trying to patch things up, but having him close to me makes my skin crawl.  Personally I never want to have another relationship with a man ever again, I'm so sick of it always being about sex, about their dick.. If our house sells, I will move on and live happily knowing that I never have to worry about trusting some man again, cooking for him, doing his laundry, I will be able to do what I want to do instead of being used.  I can hardly wait for that day.

 

In the mean time life hasnt' changed one bit, we still don't talk about anything important..maybe the weather or whats coming on tv.  We use one word sentences to answer each other. He goes to his games, plays his golf.. and doesn't care what he has done to our relationship as long as he gets what he wants.  I dont' think about what he has done unless I come on here to the board.  He is dead as far as I am concerned.. the person I was in love with is dead to me because this person is a stranger now.

 

I wish my father was still alive also, as old as I am.. I still could really use a good heart to heart with my Dad.

 

Keep in touch if you like, my email is listed under my profile~Red

First off you should be more concerned about the drug use than the cheating. I say that because you have one child and another on the way.. you should never "accept his drug problem no matter what."  Its not a good thing for your kids to be in the middle of, what kind of life are you giving them?  If you have no respect for yourself, at least think about what is good for them.

 

Men are wired differently than women.  They will have sex with anything that moves and has an orifice to put their d*ck in.  It has nothing to do with love and everything to do with sexual gratification with them.  He will continue to cheat anytime he wants to.  Not what you want to hear I'm sure, but its the truth.  What does he have to loose,,, nothing.. and the drugs will keep him in a state of mind that he doesn't care anyways.

 

Your beating your head against a wall by bringing it up everyday.  He could care less that you don't trust him any more, or that you feel badly, that your sad, angry, hurt..  He needs rehab.. you need counseling and your kids need at least you to be responsible enough to get away from this guy until he proves that he is off the drugs and is living the kind of life your children can be proud of and be a father they can love.

 

You are going to go thru every emotion out there.. you will have some days where you just want to kill him because of the disappointment you feel towards him and his behavior... but he made the choice, he didn't think about you or your kids or what the consequences were of his actions.  Let him go, his lifestyle is going to drag you down further.  You are worth more than getting saddled with a druggie BF since you have two kids to look after by yourself.  Cut your losses, and go get some help with your self-esteem..there more to life than what you have right now.  Good luck~Red

I've been married 22 years, been together 25 years. I have been suspecting my husband of cheating on me for some time now.  It all started when we got our laptop computer which I had resisted getting for years.  I was afraid of what might happen and what I was afraid of happening has happened. Needless to say, he has gone online and met many women. I found out he was contacting one starting last May as I started checking our phone bill for calls made (we have a 17 year old and at that time she was making a lot of calls I wanted to know who they were). I then found out he was calling a certain number all the time or they were calling him. I finally called the number and got voicemail saying "this is Cheryl". So I confronted him and he denied at first but then finally admitted it. So then I told him how I found out so he said he would stop and he did for about 6 months.  But during that 6 months I found that he was having IM and e-mail chats with lots of women. He even has on his MySpace account "horny". But then again, he also has that his income is $75,000-$100,000 and all he makes is $28,000.  I make $40,000 so I'm the major breadwinner in the family. He also said he didn't like that he had to use all his money for the bills and I told him I made much more than him and I was putting all my money on the bills also so I was losing more than him since I made more. He's not neglected, he gets plenty of spending money. And we have taken at least 1 nice vacation a year since we've been together.  The last 5 years it's been going on cruises, we've been on 5 cruises since 2003. Before that it was going to Pidgeon Forge and renting a chalet every year, renting a houseboat, going to concerts, camping all summer, etc. So he's had a really good life. He came from a very poor family who had never even been out of the state of Michigan before.

 

Well then, I caught him phoning several different women again. When we went on our cruise in Feb., he phoned the one woman 23 times and we were only gone on a 5 day cruise and he could only get reception for 2 of those days. So while we were cruising with my family, he was calling her all the time. I found this out and confronted him and he again denied it until I pulled out the proof (copies of the phone log). Then he didn't say anything. He then started pulling away from me. He never was good at communicating, whenever I asked him what was wrong any time in our marriage he would always say nothing. On April 1st our campground opened and he decided to go out there and stay because he works part-time out there doing security and they wanted him to work. He also is going to Vegas the end of July/1st of Aug. with my brother for my niece's fianace's bachelor party so he's been saving money like crazy for that. So he wanted to get all the work he could out there so I said fine. But I stayed at our house in town with my daughter while she was still in school. Then when she got out of school she was looking for a job but couldn't find one so now is volunteering to get credit for her graduation requirements. So I found that he had been calling a certain number since he'd been staying out there all the time or they were calling him. I moved out to the campground with him this past Friday. I went on Patrol with him Friday night and he kept talking with the other Patrol guy about Melody. He had told me on Friday during the day when I called him that he was fixing Melody's water heater at that time. I asked him why her husband couldn't fix it and he said he doesn't camp down here with her. Then I noticed a jar of peaches at our trailer and I asked where he got those and he said from one of the gals that works the gate, Melody. Then I realized we had run into her a couple of weekends ago when I was out there. He said "this is the lady who gives me all the jello shots" and they were flirting with each other. But I remembered her from being out there for many years so it went right over my head. Until this morning, I checked the log and saw that he had many phone conversations with her while I was around this weekend. One was even at my parents house, he was outside and my daughter went out and came back in and said I think dad's girlfriend called. Then when he came in he made up some story that it was a friend of his from the campground so I looked at the time. When I looked it up this morning, it was Melody he had been talking with. So I called the number early this morning as I come to work at 6 a.m. and figured she may be sleeping and I'd get the voicemail. Sure enough, it said you have reached Melody so that confirmed it for me. So probably all the time I was staying in town, they were sneaking around. He worked patrol Sat. night, first worked the dance and then went on Patrol but never stopped by the camper so I didn't ride with him. He was supposed to get off at 3 a.m. as we had a reunion to go to on Sunday, leaving at 10 a.m. from my parents house so he knew he had to get just a few hrs sleep. He wasn't home by almost 5 so I got up and went looking for him and couldn't find him (didn't know where Melody lived at this time). So I asked the other guy on Patrol if my husband was still on Patrol and he said yes but he hadn't heard him or seen him in a couple of hours (usually they hook up several times a night and talk). So I headed down the way of Melody's place and sure enough here he comes up toward me, coming from her road. I just passed him, didn't say anything. He came home just a few minutes later and said Bud said you were looking for me. I told him yes, since you had to get up in a couple of hours I went looking for you.So I've pretty much caught him in many lies and pretty much know he's sneaking around seeing her. I confronted him and said he could have at least separated or divorced me first before going out on me and right in front of me at that. Our daughter has figured it all out (she's 17) and she's mad as you know what at him. She confronts him all the time too which he hates. She also confronts him about the fact that he's gone all the time and not spending any time with her. It doesn't seem to matter to him. I asked him if he wants to work things out and he said he doesn't know at this time. I'm so hurt and cry all the time, I seem to be obsessed with this now. I've never felt so lonely and hurt. I've drawn up how much he would be bringing home after contributing to the support of my daughter while she still lives at home and is in school (she'll just be a Jr. this year so 2 more years of school). He won't have much left after paying for an apartment, etc. I, on the other hand, will have a lot which is much better than it is now for me. So financially, I know I could do it alone. But I still love him and want him. I can't understand why I do, I keep kicking myself for even thinking I could still want him. I've talked with my mom about it as well as 3 other friends and they all say I don't deserve it, he's the one at fault but of course they're going to say that. The only thing I admit I'm guilty of is that I'm physically disabled at this time, I had bilateral knee surgery last year to make it better for me to walk but now my hip is acting up so I'm going to have hip surgery Aug. 20th. I have told him I'll have to recuperate at the trailer and he'll have to help care for me and he said no problem. But I know he'll still continue to see this broad out there. What can I do to make it stop? How can I get over the feeling I still love him and want him? Any advice from you out there that have experienced the same thing or something similar? Please help me not to have the knots in my stomach, the lump in my throat, the tears in my eyes whenever I think about him!  Any help would be so appreciated! Thanks for listening....Sue

You haven't reached your "deal breaker" point yet.  You have all the proof you need, he admits to cheating and yet you still accept this type of behavior from him.  I think you are afraid to be alone, I understand that you can afford to live without him, but you don't want to.  You've gotten so use to the drama he is causing, and your daughter is even caught up in it, which is a big no,no.  She should not be in the middle of it like this.

 

He might have everything he wants financially while he is living with you, and maybe thats why he isn't leaving you just yet. He knows he can cheat, and you won't kick his azz to the curb like you should be doing. He has it good and he knows it, so he is using you.  How does it feel to be used Sue? 

 

What he is missing from your marriage is the attention, the ego stroking, the affection and the sex that these women are giving him.  So he goes on line, or he patrols till he finds someone who will pay attention to him and then he gets what he really wants.  Getting a lap top wasn't the problem, the problem was he was missing something very important and being a typical man, he went out and found it.  Thats what men do. But you haven't given him any consequences to his behavior.  So what if you find this evidence or that, what does he loose,,, nothing... what are you loosing... your self respect, your dignity, your morals.. you are teaching him how to treat you and that your marriage means nothing.

 

Now he is going away, alone, for a bachelor party... he will meet someone there, he will take someone with him, or maybe just visit one of the hooker ranches out there and have a grand old time.  If your sleeping with him, I hope your making him wear a condom, cause hip surgery will be the least of your worries if he brings home an STD or HIV to you.

 

Your mothers right you don't deserve what he is doing, but in a way you do... cause your not kicking him out.  What kind of example are you setting for your daughter.  Do you want her to see you as some desperate woman who will take sloppy seconds from some man?  Do you want her to see that your husband doesn't respect you or love you and this is what she can expect from her BF or husband? He isn't even trying to improve your relationship, he is being selfish and self centered and doesn't care.

 

Get it together, go back and read what you have written here in your original post.  What would you say to the woman who wrote it?  Doesn't she sound pathetic and desperate to you?  If you want to live your life with a cheater, than just stop the investigating and let him be, let him go cheat,, your not going to stop him so the choice is yours.. just stop the drama and you live your life, let him live his and co exist under the same roof.. or get rid of him and be happy.  He will be just fine without you, cause he is the type that uses women, he won't get an apartment on his own, he will immediately set something up to move in with one of his conquests.. that what cheaters do... Worry about yourself and your daughter and forget the bum.

I saw my husband received a test message from a certain woman. It says: I cant say that I miss you coz you are not even sending me text messages. Then after a few days...I was just curious...my husband was sleeping so I got his mobile phone and read his messages. A message came from the same woman, asking him, where he is.......

I am so upset and bothered my husband and this woman might be flirting and this flirting might lead to some other things that would break our marriage. I know that I am probably thinking way ahead.....but I just cant help it...Im not sure if its my hormones, or I am just bored.....I am 29 weeks pregnant and my Ob-gyne advised me for bed rest, since Im having a delicate pregnancy, my cervix is opening and I just had a preterm labor episode, so in short I am homebound. I am not used to being at home and not doing anything.....since I am a working mom......

Am I not reasonable or my mind is just clouded?......I would appreciate your take on this please.....

I fully understand how seeing these messages would cause you to stress out. From the little I've read though, it sounds like this woman is doing all the flirting and your husband is ignoring her. He may well be trying to discourage her.

This is going to continue to stress you, so if I were you, I would simply tell him that you saw the first message and would like to know who this woman is and what is going on. Don't be accusatory as you can't know if he was involved in anything, but be open to whatever he says.

Sometimes, a person will make advances on a married person, and the married person doesn't realize that the quickest way to discourage this sort of behavior is to tell their partner about it. Cheaters count on their targets staying mum, and often married people mistakenly think their partners would be suspicious of them if they knew they were targeted by someone wishing to cheat with them. Not so. If he came to you and said, "I'm getting some messages from this woman that is interested in me, but I have no wish to cheat on you. Just so you know, if she calls or you find a text message, I'm NOT answering back!" how would you take it? I would be grateful and my trust in him would grow. On the flip side, the cheater would quickly retreat in embarrassement. Making secret advances only to have your target tell the one person who is not supposed to know is mortifying! They would rightfully wonder who else is going to be told about their less than honest behavior.

A word of caution however, think ahead how you would react if he says or does something to indicate he was, or is, involved with this woman. Be prepared for any eventuality.

 

 

I was formerly Anangel 5.  Last year, I posted saying that I think my husband cheated on me.  Turns out that my gut feeling was true.  He did cheat on me.  I stayed with him for almost a year, until he cheated on me again.  Now he left me to go to another woman.  He is living with her now.  I am trying to find a good lawyer to nail him.  Thank you guys for posting positive feedback.  I wish I had taken the advice sooner.

None of us take in advice or other knowledge until we are ready to hear it. I'm sorry to hear that your fears were correct. I'm also sorry your husband has taken the cowardly way out. I know you're probably not ready to understand this yet, but consider how insecure your husband must be to have to keep looking for new relationships in order to feel good about himself?

Do you have children with him? If so, get everything you can that will help you raise them without him.

If you don't have children with him, don't let your anger lead you to keep up a sick relationship with him in court. The sooner you can leave it behind and get him out of your mind, the better off you will be. I'm not saying to let him off the hook for any responsibilities he has, I'm just saying be on your guard for going over the top with revenge.

My best wishes to you.