Topic : Interracial Relationships

Hi there,
Every relationship can have its ups and downs but the only way to solve them is to talk about them. There is no right or wrong answer here. But before giving up on a relationship that means so much to you, you need to discuss what options you have. I can't imagine how hard it is to think of these things when both of you are of different religions but all I can say is that maybe somehow you two can comprimise. Come up with a plan on how you will raise your children and stick to it. You could think about letting your child choose their own religion when they are old enough to understand while still including a bit of both religions in their day to day life.
Just don't be too willing to give it all up until you have both discussed what you would like to happen. If there is still no way out, maybe you should go to someone that can listen to both of you and help suggest ideas.

Honey, dont listen to that other post who started w/ .."I'm sure U werent raised on a farm"......

Anyways, I am a white female who has dated african-american men for 15 years now.  Let me tell you, I have never had the problem of the family not liking me because of my color.  But, I will say that I do have a guy now who has the "mamma's boy" syndrome.  So, all you can do is hope that the love you two have is strong enough to grow even more when your beautiful baby is born. I also have a bi-racial child, and am PROUD of it !! So, dont let this eat at you now, it will ONLY give the "mother-in-law" more power.  It will also effect the health of your baby, as I am sure U already know ! So, maybe U and your man can go away for a weekend, or just try to "re-connect" so he can remember why he fell in love with u, and realize that you two do have a connection, and especially now U need to get back on the "same page" so you can raise the baby in a loving environment.  The last thing you want to do is say anything negative about his mother, cuz that will back fire ! You have to find a positive way to say a negative thing.... if U catch my drift !  Good luck, and God bless........

Hello, well I have been there before.  I have an 11 yr old bi-racial daughter and my father also told me at one time he would "dis-own" me etc... blah blah blah........so I waited till after she was born, and called my dad and told him (my parents were divorced at the time) He was more mad at the fact that I hid this from him, and once he seen her..... he was in love.  To this day, my baby is "grandpa's girl".. no matter who her father is, he loves her because she is a part of me !  So, hopefully the same will happen for you and your baby.  My daughter's father had to put up with the same thing.. not coming over when my dad would come visit, my daughter's father would even go in another room of the house, and wait till my dad was gone, then come out where the rest of us were.  He was not happy about doing this, but he loved me and understood this was the way it had to be.  He didnt want to cause any more fights with my father and I , so he buried his pride.  Over the years, my father has "lightened up" on his views, but I know deep down he still is not FULLY accepting.  I hope this gave you a little hope .....

Have you tried to talk about your relationship with your boyfriend, and how you feel that his mother is trying to come between the two of you? Or, when you do try to discuss this topic, does it always end up being a fight, and you never get anything resolved?

My advice to you is easy to say, but very hard to put into action: you need to gather up all of the strength that you have inside of yourself, gather up your knowledge that you are a beautiful and honorable person who would never cheat or lie to your loved one, and with this strength and knowledge about your own personal character right in the front of your memory, approach your boyfriend with a calm tone and a reasonable and rational attitude to discuss how you feel. The fact is that you are having a baby soon, and you can’t deal with this chaos constantly- you don’t need it and you don’t deserve it. To approach your boyfriend without it turning into an argument, I suggest the ‘validation method’ with goes like this, for example, “I love you very much, and I appreciate all that you do for me, and all that we dream of together can come true. I want for us to have a happy, healthy and long lasting relationship, that is why I need to talk about this, I don’t want to fight, I just want to talk about our relationship. Do you really believe I would cheat on you? Do you realize that your mother wants to break us up because she is jealous of the relationship that we have?” Something like that- but you always begin with telling him things that you love about him and things that you appreciate, because that way, he is less likely to become defensive. The fact that he wants a blood test is something I suppose I could live with; but because his mother told him to do it is a fact that I would be livid over! But, you know what the results will be, so look at it this way; you get to be ‘proven’ correct, and she gets to be proven wrong. I wish you well.

I wasnt the most wonderful person in the world in highschool. I made bad decisions, and had a baby at the age of 18. She is now 2  and a half. Im not with her father, who was the source of my bad decisions. Im in college now. Ive been single for 3 years. Mostly just pushing people away because I'm terrified of getting hurt like I was before. I had been with my daughter's father for near 3 years. He was going down a path I couldnt follow. He turned to sex and drugs, blaming  it all on me because I decided to leave him. Truth be told, when I was expecting my daughter, he would always promise me he would help me buy her things, but when it came time, wouldn't have the money, but a week later, have plenty for video games and toys and such. He had bought me an 'engagement' ring. He said he had spent all his money on it. I found out that he had lied, and only spent 30$ on it. I found this out by going to the place he had claimed to have bought it from to get it sized and they told me not only did it not come from them, it was fake. I decided that his path was one of poverty and pain, not that money is the most important thing, but the ways he choose to spend what little he had was not what I had seen for me, or the baby I was expecting. Now, I've turned from that, I live with my mother and father, who have pulled me through.  I'm in college, and shes older. I've met a guy I'm very attatched to. He's black. I'm afraid I'm going to have problems not only with my daughter seeing him as a father, but my family accepting him. I have never been so impressed with a guy in my entire life, and I want to be with him. I've mentioned him to my mother, and she was very detatched. Now I'm afraid I'm going to have to choose. I love my family, and my daughter, and would never do anything to hurt any of them, but my heart is aching. Someone please tell me what I should do, Im completely lost.

I thought of more I needed to add to this. I live in Northern Alabama. I don't know whats it like other places, but here, race is always been an issue. I've never noticed it until now though. He's a wonderful man with a good heart. My better half. I just need one person to tell me it's ok for me to love him.

  Cute baby.  Lots of decisions to make and you're only 20 years old.  Mercy.  First, I would suggest that you accept responsibility for all of your decisions so far.  It isn't going to do any good to blame the baby's father.  Your parents are now babysitters and most likely paying all of your expenses.  Now it sounds like you are thinking about turning against them, then what?

 

  Your new boyfriend is black and you are afraid it is going to cause problems.  Are you ready to take that on?  You say he is Mr. Wonderful.  Has Mr. Wonderful talked about marriage or are you just shopping?  Have you discussed this with your parents, or are you just guessing how they feel?  It sounds like after 3 years with your daughters father, just about anyone should impress you-even in your entire 20 years. 

 

  You probably wouldn't be asking what to do if it weren't for the "b" word, so let me express my thoughts, for whatever they are worth....

  Remember when you were a kid and how cruel kids were to one another when something was different, like wearing glasses, having an unusual feature or whatever?  These are normal Juvenal actions.

  Interracial marriage is in it's Juvenal stages now.  However, the cruelty comes from kids and adults.  Are you, Mr Wonderful and the baby ready for this?  How about your parents?  Will you and Mr. W have kids also, and then what?  What about all the stupid comments, nasty looks,

and who knows what's to come?  It is hard enough to keep a marriage healthy but you add a baby and maybe no money, etc., can you chew that bite?

  Whatever you do, I hope it turns out right and you live happily ever after.

 

 

 

 

 

 

We've talked about the future. He wants a baby someday..in like 5-6 years. I dont want another any time soon. He loves my daughter like his own...spoils her really. And you were right about my parents. They've helped me so much while im in college. I wouldnt be able to do school and work and take care of her alone. The thing about Mr. W as you call him (cute (= ) he's the first person since my daughters father that has impressed me. I havent dated because I wanted to devote all my time I had to school, and most importantly my baby girl. He basically came out of no-where. I had no plans at all to find someone at my age. I hadnt seen myself even dating anyone in the least bit again until I was 25 at least. Mr. W is a hard worker, and was offered a job today that is more money and less hours than hes getting now. Hes a chef. We both are.

Im not really guessing how my parents would feel. I know they would always look at him as the black guy. His family loves me though, and backs us up. I hurt my parents in the past, and cant bring myself to do it again.
I was the kid with glasses growing up. Picked on and such..That, I can take, as long as I have the support of my family.
thank you so much for your help, you really have made me feel better...

There is nothing wrong with loving him! There is no law against it, although there used to be. Our world has come a long way, although it sounds like northern Alabama hasn’t come all that far. You must know someone in a mixed-race relationship?

You admit that you’ve made bad decisions in the past, and it takes a mature person to own up to that. We all live and learn, and it sounds like you don’t want to make any more mistakes, you want to do what is right from here on out for your child and for yourself. If you feel that this is Mr. W, give yourself a lot of time to take things slow and truly get to know him and his family inside and out. When you are more confident in your relationship with him, you will feel more confident telling your parents more about him. For now, because it is a newer relationship and because of his race, you are unsure of what to do. One thing is for sure- if your parents are going to always think of him as “the black guy” then they are the ones who are missing out on something.

  I knew I left something out.  You asked if it's OK for you to love Mr. W?  Answer:  Why Not ?  Who do you suppose has a right to tell you  if it's OK or not ?  If I'm gonna love someone I treat it like wine and let it age a little.  It may take a while before you can tell if it is a good year or not.  Meanwhile, just let it do it's thing.  Too many have popped the cork before the proper time and ended up with a sour mess, but you didn't expect your last bottle to turn out bad either did you?

  Believe it or not, you are not required to marry every one you fall in love with, and especially not

right away. 

  Are interracial relationships different in other places ?  I don't think so.  Most don't go for it.  I have had a lot of experience with this matter, not personally, but as a witness.  I don't know if I could handle it or not, probably not, but that's me.  It's just the daily stuff you have to put up with.

I am white but I don't think I could have ever asked a "b" lady to marry me no matter how much I loved her.  The reason would be for her sake and the life we would have together.  Besides, the first time some red neck looked down his nose at one of us I would just have to put a knot on his or her head.  This has got to be a really tough decision.