Topic : Divorce Support

My husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years.  We are both over 40 years of age.  During our dating relationship he had a problem keeping his hands off other women (even while I was in his presence).  I even caught him in a bar with friends and his hands up a woman's blouse.  This finally ended and things were going well so we married.  2 years ago (6 months after we married) he started traveling and only came home everyother weekend.  While traveling he began going out with his co-workers (so I'm told) for dinner each evening and would not call me.  This went on for 1 year.  His comment was it just took so long for them to have their dinner.  I later found out he was having liquid dinners and getting drunk.  We began having major differences at that time.  I expressed how I felt about not being thought about enough to even receive a phone call.  The job soon ended and I tried to express to him that we can't go through the same things again.  He received another job out of state and left me to sell our home and join him later.  Two days after being in the new state he began the same thing.  I moved 1 month after he did because it was beginning to appear that he wasn't going to his room at the Inn at night.  Last week on his birthday he got drunk and told me if I didn't become more passionate he would divorce me. 

 

I think it is time for a divorce.  I do love him very much.  He seems to think his behaviors and actions are no big deal and that I should not take them seriously.  Please, someone tell me if you also think I am taking the behaviors and actions too seriously.

Husband divorced me 2 yrs ago after 25 yrs together.H is 54, I am 58.-no kids He lost money in the market in '01, hated his job, his father (a shaky relationship) died suddenly in '02. Husband began an affair with an acquaintance of mine. I introduced them. 2 weeks later she spent the weekend in my house while I was out of town taking care of my elderly mother. Woman declared undying love for my husband and promptly kicked her husband out of her house (her 3rd) and started divorce proceedings. I discovered affair 3 mos later. Tried to hold marriage together but it was too far gone. I apparently had been sleepwalking thru the marriage. H started drinking again after 17 yrs of not drinking, got heavily into porn, and internet chat rooms. The once gentle affectionate man began to act like a bipolar Jekyll and Hyde. We continued to live in the same house for nearly a year after I discovered affair. I asked him to leave twice and he refused. (Then found out there was nothing legally I could do about that). I read Divorcebusting and The Divorce Remedy and other books and remained clam while he lived in another state 1/2 of the week and with me 1/2 of the week. His boss was cooperating with this arrangement. H filed for divorce and was extremely ugly blaming me loudly all of the way saying very cruel things to me. It was a terrible time. My H was very depressed --mother and father both were diagnosed with bi polar disorder. H's father never was treated and led a doulbe life as long as I knew him.I'm single nearly 2 yrs now and thanks to good therapists am feeling very good. Our marriage was the first for both of us. H wrote last year that he didn't know what happened to him. He remains with the other woman (her 4th marriage at age 50) And may I add, she is a therapist. I wrote last year to the show asking for consideration of the topic of men's midlife crisis-depression etc. Michelle Davis and Jed Diamond have been two comforting sources for me. Additionally ,the husband of a friend of mine committed suicide the same year. No outward signs of depression and seemingly was very togehter. No marital or helath problems. He was same age as my H. It feels like an epidemic.

I too have resently seperated.  My husband left our family in March 2005.  It has been so hard on all of us.  Kids(12 and 9)  Sept. will be our 15th year of marriage.  I dion't understand how he can say he still loves me but does not want to be with me.  What does all this mean?  I am comitted to my marriage.  He said he would not take off his wedding ring and then the very next week he did take it off.  I am trying to move on with my life but it is a long hard ride.  I take things one day at a time but some days are soooo hard.  How am I supposed to act around him?  What does he want from me?  How can I be just friends with him when I want more?  I have so many questions and I don't know where to get answers.  I can say that I put my marriage in the Lord's hands, because I just don't know what else to do.  I can't fix our marriage by myself. 

Any advise would be helpful. Thanks.

dex77@nc.rr.com

So, from the sound of it, you've made some mistakes.  It also sounds as though your wife may have not been completely honest with you about how she was feeling regarding your selfishness -- that is an assumption and if correct, that is her mistake.  As marital partners we are accountable to our spouses for how we behave.

 

So you've acknowledged that there is a lot of room for improvement and you've even been very willing to put your money where your mouth is -- you moved out peacefully and you were willing to get counseling.  BRAVO!

 

The only thing left to do are these things:  #1 follow through on counseling, #2 ask for forgiveness from your wife and be willing to forgive your self, and #3 leave the door open.

 

Not only will counseling give your wife the sign that you really meant what you said, but it will ALSO help you with your grief and healing. 

 

Because you have been so willing to acknowledge your wrongs, I suggest that you give that full accounting to your wife.  True forgiveness is not an easy thing, but you are already well on your way and I think that gesture is the right thing.

 

Once you've asked, the only other thing to do is leave the door open and wait to see if she'll have a change of heart.  That part is up to her.

 

Be gentle while you grieve, Q 

 

I'm half crazy that I won't survive without mine and we've been married just under 11 years, I can't imagine not being in someones life after 24 years of marriage. If she doesn't want you there then, I guess you are only hurting yourself by staying. Have you asked her how she hopes to survive? If she wants to go then you stay and let her go when she is ready to go.

I still can't imagine your pain, like I said, I'm only at 11 years and I have grown used to him being there if I need him, now he has someone else and though I don't think he and I belong married anymore ( no communication and things that just can't be forgiven ) it is still hard to let go of something that you've been around for that many years.

Best of luck to you in whatever you decide, I will say a prayer for you.

Don't know what the "major differences" are or what "same things" you guys are repeating, but it sounds as though there are some patterns here that would cause ANY partner to be wary.

 

First is the lack of communication while away on business and the FACT? that he isn't sleeping in his hotel room.  Until you have proof of an affair or philandering, my rule is give hubby the benefit of the doubt.

 

Second, and more alarming, is the drinking.  My questions are how much, how often, how does he behave when he's drunk and most important WHY is he drinking until he's drunk?  Something is wrong when a person medicates his pain and it's quite possible he isn't being honest about the reasons.  Since he expressed a need for more passion, my GUESS is he is dissatisfied but he ain't talkin' (more lack of communication).

 

I also think that his behaviors/actions ARE a big deal, if to no one but YOU.  I do not think you should simply sweep his behavior under the carpet just because HE THINKS they are no big deal.  Alcoholics are PROS at denial.  And so, I think you should explore what's going on or better yet, BOTH you guys explore this together.

 

If you guys really care, you will BOTH open up and TALK about the distance in your relationship and how to REALLY bridge the gap or cut the cord.

 

Alcholism is a deal breaker and consistent broken trusts are also a deal breaker.

 

Q

 

 

 

 

How do you know that your leaving her won't be the best thing that ever happened to her?

 

How do you know that she won't find the second love of her life -- if she's that lucky?

 

Isn't she responsible for HER life? 

 

Aren't you being somewhat presumptious?  Sounds to me like she managed to take care of a house, make it a home and raise 2 kids to adulthood -- that's not nothing.  Being a Stay-at-home- Mom or Dad is HARD WORK (and I've always worked) and I bet there are PLENTY of employers willing to have that kind of hardworker on their payroll.

 

Let's say that you do begin divorce proceedings... will she not get 1/2 the house and any other assets including your 401K?  If she has been a homemaker for 31 years, odds are, she will also get alimony at least for a set amount of time.  So she won't be completely penniless.

 

Besides, have you asked her whether she really wants you to hang on?  Maybe she doesn't?  You won't know until have that conversation.

 

Something along the lines of... how can we separate so that BOTH of us are OKAY?

 

And just because you end the marriage doesn't mean you guys HAVE to be enemies.  You could even be friends if you wanted to -- refreshing thought I think.

 

I can tell you one thing... you only have ONE LIFE on this big blue ball we call Earth and to be unwilling to live it to it's fullest is a tragic waste of life -- in y'all's case tragic waste of LIVES.

 

Time to get OFF the pot.  Limbo is not living.

 

My two cents... (and I really wish the BEST for you BOTH, really I do.) Q

How am I supposed to act around him?  I suggest that you be yourself.  It's really all you can be anyway.

 

What does he want from me?  I am sorry to say that, by his actions, he wants to end the relationship.  He is just taking the easy way out and trying to lessen your pain.  Trouble is... you will grieve and there is no getting around that.

 

How can I be just friends with him when I want more?  Maybe you can't.  I know that if I left my hubby (or vica versa) it would be too painful for me to "be friends".  The best thing that I could do is be civil. 

 

Please be gentle while you grieve, Q

 

You are living single and sleeping double with a man you KNOW will not change.  Why do you let him use you like this?  YES, this is destructive and as long as it continues you will remain CONFUSED.  You need emotional and physical distance in order to move on.  Old habits are hard to break.

 

Do NOT let him come to the house.  Do NOT go to his home.  Use a third party when he picks up the kids.  Keep conversations short and relevant.  Use voicemail if necessary.   Cease being available.

 

Those self helps are GREAT when they apply to someone else.  Now turn them around and apply them to you.

 

Love that song.  Bobby Vinton.  Oops, told my age.

 

Can we all say middle-age stupid?

 

Yep, he feels he is missing out on something and I bet I know what it is despite the shabby clothes.  You do too.  His sex drive probably decreased due to alternate outlets.  Is gay a possibility?

 

Not arguing or fighting does not guarantee a solid marriage.  Sometimes there is nothing left worth fighting about.

 

Tell him to stop "sharing".  You need the emotional and physical distance in order to get your life together.

 

Get that support in legal writing.  Extend it through the kids college years if your state permits.  His cash will go to the new love if he has/ever finds one.

 

Selfish is the word here.  And be prepared that about the time you get it all together he will want to come crawling back.  Especially if he was to get hurt or sick.  Have a game plan.

 

Bravo to the siblings who told him what an idiot he was.  And he deserves the three meddlers.  Maybe they will take him in if he ever needs help.  NOT

 

Any man who refuses counseling AND tells me he no longer loves me is history no matter how long the relationship.

 

Bravo to you for the new changes.