Topic : Adult Children Living at Home

My 25 year old daughter has two children and lives with us since her divorce in May of 2007.  She had a brief reunion with her ex-husband in October and moved out with him.  She briefly took her children with her and realized quickly that she couldn't afford to take care of them.  My other daughter and her husband took them for 3 months and worked a miracle with them.  Her and her ex separated again in February and she moved back in with us. 

Our problem is that she has no idea how to manage money.  My husband and I pay daycare.  She will not buy food or pay rent.  She is very disrespectful and dishonest with us.  She never has enough money to make her commitments.  She refuses to do anything around the house to help me out.  She works from 10a-6p and then has an hour drive home.  My husband and I take the kids to daycare at 6:30 n the morning with us because she works in the opposite direction.  We pick the children up in the afternoon and keep them until she gets home.  I feed, bathe and get them ready for bed.  When she does get home she talks to her friends on the phone and doesn't seam to spend any quality time with them.  She has bought and lost several cars.  She pays a large amount for speeding tickets. I don't know how she still has a license.  She has been in trouble for stalking her ex's new girlfriend.  We have paid attorney fees for her to get her child support.  She is too lazy to meet the requirements to keep her children on Medicaid for health care, WIC or daycare assistance. 

I know, you are asking why we don't just kick her out.  There are 2 very good reasons.  One is Autumn and the other is Hunter.  She is not fit to care for these children.  Her ex-husband is a sorry excuse of a dad.  He only wants them when he wants them.  If we try to take the children him and his parents will fight us and they have no means to support them like we think they should.  They have had 10 homes in the past 3 years because they can't afford to pay the rent.  My ex-son in law has had so many jobs in the last 3 years that I have lost count.  Even though my husband and I are both professionals with a good income, DFACS said they will give the parents a choice of where they want the children to live.  I know she would not choose us just to spite us.  I live these children with all my heart.  .  i know this all sounds stupid and the answer is right in front of our face.  If it wasn't for the children, it would be easy.  We are at our wits end with her and are ready to just kick her out and let her do what she wants to with the children.  As much as we love them it is not healthy for any of us involved in this situation.

Please help with some advice?

That's right. I allowed my 37 yo daughter to move in 6 weeks ago because her husband left her in August 2007. She was able to live in an apartment for 6 months on the TRO and I ended up paying the 7th month after she went through $16000. She was devastated by the divorce, but I know that she brought it on as she had become alcoholic and was verbally abusive to her husband. She hasn't worked since November 2005 and has made no attempts to find a job. I thought that I could give her time to recover by letting her move in here temporarily. She has hibernated to her room, watches TV and drinks. I gave her a written notice that she has to move out and she refuses. Bad thing about that is the police of the city in which I live tell me that I don't have any recourse from them if she doesn't want to move.This is her legal residence now because she has belongings here and I invited her in.  I have to file an eviction notice. Now, doesn't suck? There is no written rental agreement in place; I let her move in out of the goodness of my heart. Her therapist thinks that she might have a borderline personality disorder which is so hard to deal with because she can switch from nice one minute to accusing and ugly the next. It is really more than a retired person who has lived in this home for 35 years shuld have to put up with.  

Oh, yuck!  That's unbelievable!  I can't believe the whole thing about not having a rental agreement, etc...but then again, I guess we are talking about 2 adults... although related, I can see it being legally considered 2 adults, not parent and  "adult child".  But who on earth would expect it to come to that!  

How sad even that your daughter would want to continue to live there knowing you want her to move out on her own.  I can't imagine living w/ that tension every day, on both your parts. 

The only advice I can think of...have you gone to any Al-Anon meetings?  Since she has a problem w/ alchohol, I'd say her behaivor is not uncommon for this and you might benefit from hearing how other families have dealt w/ such problems.  And maybe they can help you learn general coping strategies for how to deal w/ her as successfully as possible.

Best wishes to you.  Hang in there, I'm sure you didn't imagine this for your life as you age, hopefully you can get some help. 

I've been re-married to a lovely (both inside & outside) for 9 years.  My sons (14 & 23) live with their mother and I see them on a regular basis.  My step son (23) has lived with us off & on over the course of the past 9 years.  There has always been an accusation from my wife that "I always picking on him", when my intentions are to truly keep him out of trouble, due to her not providing any boundaries or accountability on him over the years.  This is a major carryover from her previous relationship, in which she described as being "enslaved", and defends her son at all costs (as a mother does).  My wife does not allow me to talk to him about issues because "of my tone", so she tells me that she'll talk to him about the issues, but she'll avoid confrontation at all costs, so I feel she doesn't tell him all the details so not to "upset" him.

Anyway, a few months ago, the step son was arrested and I've had to take out a significant loan to pay for his lawyer/legal fees, which the step son agreed to re-pay.  He has also moved back in with us and has moved in his girl friend without asking.  They live in the down stairs portion of the house with access to the upstairs.  They have a bathroom with a shower, a large entertainment area and a room for their bedroom.  With the extra bill for the lawyer/legal fees, I've talked to my wife about her son paying $400/month for rent, along with paying $200/month toward the loan.  There has been no payment made for the legal fees over the last 7 months and only around $300 paid toward some of the utilities.  The rent was to start being paid as of this May.  Needless to say, there has not been any additional money paid to us.  My wife tries to justify that he doesn't work enough (most of his jobs are paid under the table), etc., and I tell her he can get a different (better paying) job, or get a second job.

This affects the marriage significantly and the relationship between me and the step son.  There are also times when the step son does not show his mother the respect she deserves, and it ticks me off, because if I had treated my mother like that, I'd be out on the street.  He definitely has an anger problem that he doesn't want to address. He is her only child, which I'm sure makes a difference.  I'm just trying to hold him responsible and accountable for his actions, however, in my view, it's a double edged sword.  I feel that if I keep pushing this, she'll want to end the marriage, which is the last thing I want, but I feel that allowing him to not be held accountable, is doing him an injustice.

I know that my wife will attend counselling, but I feel the step son would resist at all costs.  Am I wrong to try and hold him accountable?  Should I approach this from a different angle?  Thanks.

Okay, in your post you describe your own feelings and also mention the feelings of the others involved in this.  You examined how the past affects the present (and future).  You sound level-headed and empathetic. 

I think you are approaching this in a reasonable manner.  The rent and monthy payment toward loan all sound reasonable.  And I also share the belief that holding your stepson accountable will actually be of benefit to him in his life.  How have you talked to your wife about this?  You might discuss it w/ her at a time when things are calm, there isn't a problem, and keep your tone of voice relaxed.   At this point, maybe it would be more effective to focus on how you want to do this to help him get his head/heart in the right place so he can get his life back on track.  Maybe don't worry about discussing his anger issues or any behavioral issues, as this might just get her back up and make her defensive; thereby, in he eyes, discrediting all that you're saying.  Focus on helping him, how it will build his confidence and self-esteem to accomplish this repayment, and it will help prepare him to move forward on the right footing. 

I also think you need to address his girlfriend living there.  (Go back and read posts about grandparents raising their grandchildren because the parents are too irresponsible).  Maybe you guys should actually write up a rental agreement for him to sign??   And in that should be behavior that warrants eviction & what the eviction plan would be.  How you might get your wife to agree to this,  I don't know!  LOL 

I was wondering if anyone has any advice for me who is in this similar situation. 

My 43 year old drug addicted brother lives with my 74 year old mom.  He hasn't worked for over a year.  He sleeps all day and plays all night and on the weekends.  She pays for everything.  His truck, even his child support! 

He was molested at around age 8 by a cousin who was around the age of 13. To top it off my father witnessed the abuse and did nothing about it.  We didn't even know until my brother told us after my father passed away from alcoholism when my brother was 21 about the abuse and not till his 30s about my dad. 

I know my mom feels guilty for this and this is why she does what she does.  She says "I'm keeping him alive".  This is her reasoning as to why she allows him to live with her.  I  have tried so many times over the years to help both of them and when I do they only get angry with me.  My mom gets very angry with me when I tell her she's enabling him.  I told her a few years ago to talk with a professional to get their opinion.  She talked with someone from her church who told her it was okay to do what she's doing if that is her wish.  This infuriates me. 

Every time she gets angry with him because he won't do anything to help her around the house and gets an attitude with her she comes to my house and talks ugly to me.    I don't say anything because she doesn't have anyone to vent to so I try to understand the psychology behind this.    I haven't told her for years that she enables him because I know she will only get angry with me and I no longer comment on his behavior as this also makes her angry with me.    

Last week she called me to tell me my 17 year old niece (my brother's daughter) was coming to live with her.  She also does drugs and has been living with grandparents from her mother's side as neither parent will take care of her.  Her mother is finally drug free after giving her other two daughters up for adoption (not my brothers kids).  She lives with another man and cares for his 3 children.  They aren't well off and can't give my niece all the things she gets from her grandparents so she has no desire to live with her mother.  Her mother is also bi-polar and is very difficult to live with. 

My niece is spoiled rotten and has been given everything she wants from the grandparents over the years except for what she needs, rules and work.  They also use drugs but live very nicely.  Large homes, etc.  When my mom and I found out my niece was using drugs I was devastated as we are very close and this was my biggest fear.  Knowing my niece and her grandfather my mom and I could see what the future would hold.  Meaning that the day would come when she would get sick of him and vice versa, he would kick her out or she would leave.  My mom very adamently stated "she would not allow my niece to live with her as she is too old to care for a teenager.   

When my mom called me last week to tell me my niece was moving in with her I lost it and told her she was enabling my brother, he's totally taking advantage of her by ignoring her when she told him "she couldn't handle a teenager".  Ofcourse she wouldn't   just say NO!?    

She got very angry with me and said" I don't want to talk about this it makes me sad."  I even called her a couple days later to apologize for upsetting her and she said "that's okay I'm used to it".  She is furious with me. 

It is so sad to see what he is doing to her and what she is doing to herself by allowing him.  It is also sad that she takes it out on me.  What can I do?     I can't help but feel resentment toward her for this and I know that isn't a mature way to handle it.  I am really trying to smoothe things out with her but she is making it very difficult.  After the comment she made when I tried to apologize to her I felt as though she basically wasn't accepting my apology.  I didn't call her the following day to go to church as I was still upset.  This made her even more mad.  She called me and said "you didn't have the time to call your mother".  I told her that I figured she would call as she usually does as not to make matters worse.  

The previous day my niece called.  She lives 6 hours away.  She and her grandfather and other family members stay at the beach an hour away from us every year for a week.  I didn't ask her any questions.  She wanted me to come see her as we usually do but I told her we couldn't afford the gas.  I asked her if she was going to see my mom and her dad and she said she didn't know that she couldn't get a hold of my brother.  When I talked with my mom Sunday morning after her getting mad at me about not calling her for church she asked me if I had talked with my niece.  I told her she had called me but I couldn't afford the gas.  She got even more mad at me because I didn't ask her for the money so she could see her grandaughter.  I told her I didn't want to ask her for the money and I figured she and my brother would go see her.  She told me my brother didn't have any gas money and had been driving her car?  What's new.  What does he have?  She doesn't make any sense.  I'm soooo frustrated right now.  Can anyone help me.....         

  I'm sick and tired of feeling stressed over my daughter who is now 33 years old.  I'm hoping that I can get some great advice to direct my husband and myself in dealing with the situation.

  I'll start with alittle background.  My only child, my daughter grew up with two alcoholic parents.  My husband and myself have been sober now for over 13 years, but I know that our drinking plays a part in all of this, as does our quilt that we both feel now. 

  My daughter lived with a man for 4 years.  He was abusive physically and mentally to her and kept her away for us as much as he could. They broke up and we were thrilled.  She had a good job, shared an apt. with friends and life was looking up for her. I was shocked when she told me they were getting back togeather.  You know the line,,, "Oh,, he's changed!"  Of course he didn't change and he only got worse.  She suffered for 4 more years before it was finally over.  During that last four years I bought a mobil home close by us that my daughter and the ex rented out from us.  I admit I had a motive for this and it worked, she had someplace to run to when she was being chased.  

   My daughter and her now ex worked at the same company.  She managed the books and was caught embezeling  Ten tousand dollars, 10 felony counts.  We paid back the company for her, plus hired a good lawyer.  She got home monitering  for 3 months and didn't have to do any jail time, since this was her first offence.  During this time at home she brought home with her, her new boyfriend and his 4 year old child.  We allowed it ( Duuuu)  because  he was protecting her from boyfriend #1 and they planned to leave the state after her 3 month monitering was over.  During this time we realized boyfriend # 2 was just as bad as #1 and he luckly left.  During this time she met boyfriend #3, Justin, who she is still with.  They moved in togeather and he has supported my daughter for the past year.  He is a nice person and doesnt abuse her but I've come to the conclusion that he's a deadbeat.  He lost he's job and my daughter isn't working either. She is on LNI due to Carpol Tunnul Symdrom.  You see where this is going?  Yep,, they are both living with us now.  They both just started back to school last week.  She's going to collage with the help of grants and Im sure our wallets and he is getting his GED.  Justins Unemployment runs out in a couple of weeks and I don't see him looking for work very hard.  I've learned since he has been with us for the past month that he is very very lazy.  I have to admit it but so is my daughter.  Yesterday was Sunday and they didn't even get up until 2:00 pm and then went and partied at the lake.  They don't do anything around this house.

  I told my daughter that this is her house.  She can stay here forever if she wants, she doesn't even have to ask.  However,, How do I tell Justin he has to leave?   They have 2 thousand dollars saved, but with no jobs........

  All of this mess is about to blow.  My husband works 7 days a week and he's not about to support some loser. 

  I'd love to here some what you have to say on all of this.  How do I help my daughter?

Hugs..........................Mary 

I need help...

My husband and I have been married for 27 years now.  Things have never been perfect, but it is good.  We have tried our best to raise our four boys to be responsible, moral, independent young men.  I feel somehow, that I have done a lousy job at parenting.

My oldest went to college for about a year or year and a half and quit.  Unmotivated to do anything.  We finally told him he needed to do something with his life.  He moved in with his best friend and told us he was planning on returning to college, which of course that never happened.  He is now working for about $10.00 or less an hour job and planning on moving in with his girlfriend.

My second oldest went to college for two years and ran a huge credit debt, loan at the college that he now has to pay back.  He can not go to a community college to get a two year degree in music because he owes so much money.  So he is now living with us, 22 years old, and says he will work to pay that off, then go to school and move out once he gets a good job.  Sounds good, but he lost his job back last March and has yet to find employment again.  He is totally unmotivated to even look for a job and could care less if he had a college education because he is in a band and thinks the band is his career.  We are still waiting on just one of his playing gigs to be a paying gig.  He says he has to give it away free until he has a listening audience.  In the meantime, his dad and I are paying for the car he drives, the gas in his car, his car insurance, the roof over his head, his meals, I am still doing his laundry (and when I asked him to do his own, you would have thought I asked him to cut off his arm, so I still do it), his cell phone, his internet access, he comes and goes as he wishes and comes in at ungodly hours.

My third son, whom I have had the best relationship with, has disappointed his father and I the most.  He recently has gotten involved with a girl inappropriately.  When we caught him, he lied to us.  That was just the beginning of the lies.  He has since lied to us about car tickets, locking keys in his car, car accidents, other encounters with this girl, quitting his job, and on a daily basis he lies about where he is and who he is with.  He is 20 years old.  He has been going to college for the past year and hasn't passed a course yet.  The community college has now put him on academic suspension.  We paid for these courses except for this last one.  We told him we can't afford to continue to pay for college if he is going to fail or drop classes.  He just quit his job without telling us about two weeks ago and is now unemployed, no prospect of a job and not even interested in looking.  He wants us to allow him to live in our home, but come and go as he wishes, continue to help him with college, give him a car, pay for insurance, tags, inspections, gas, provide meals for him, provide a room for him, let him continue a relationship we feel is inappropriate.  Since his dad and I do not agree with this, we told him he will respect our home or move out.  He just told me he will move out.  When I asked how he will get around without a car and I guess he will be quitting school, and of course he will not have a cell phone and how did he expect to pay for rent without a job.  He told me that he thought we would still pay for those things and if we don't than we are are blackmailing him and guilting him into staying home.

My fourth son, we still have promise for.  He has a good job, a senior at school and in the band.  He says he will go to college. 

My point, my second oldest, I'm willing to put up with because he does respect our rules of our home and we want to believe he will get a job and pay these loans off and soon go back to get this two year degree so we are willing to put up with it.  My third oldes, has hurt us so much and we don't know what to do.  My friends say I need to have tough love and let him go and let him find his own way and make his mistakes on his own and figure out how to solve them.  I just can't do that when I know deep in my heart that his is wrong.  I guess what I want is someone to tell me, yes, you need to have tough love, he is sorely abusing you and it's time to let him go.

HELP!