Topic : Adult Children Living at Home

Here's my story.  A little background.  My husband and I have been together for ten years. From the begining things on his side of family have been MISERABLE.  His whole family has always blamed me for the break-up of his first marriage.  Our kids are night and day.  Mine respect him and have totally accepted him.  His kids have NEVER had any respect for me or accepted me.  I'm of the thinking that you don't have to like me but you will repect me.  That has also caused a LOT of tension.  My husband's oldest son (24 years old) has always been a problem.  He lived with his mother until about a year and a half ago.  She finally kicked him out.  No job, into the computer games and the playstation.  When his mom kicked him out he moved in with the girlfriend. That lives with her parents.  Got a job. Got a driver's license. Bought a car. Finally growing up.  Or so everone thought. After he had his car for a month he totaled it.  2 weeks later lost his job.  So, this was in Feb.  He didn't file for unemployment.  Why I can't figure out to save my life. Didn't bother to even try to find another job.  Her family finally got tired of him sitting on his lazy butt and told him to get out.  And just where did he end up you ask.  My house.

He's been here since Aug.  My husband and I have tried to do the right things to help him have the best possibility of making a start.  Cell phone, computer, taking him out to meet people his own age, use of a vehicle.  And in return we have gotten NOTHING. Not even the attempt to find a job.  He has lied.  He does that just about every day.  He's not grateful for anything.  Cell phone for example. We got that 2 days after he got here and his response was..."UH".  Not thank you. Not great. "UH".  I hate weekends because he's bound and determined to cause drama drama drama every weekend.  Actually called his mother to tell her just how mean I was being because after the first month he was here I quit FOLDING his laundry.  I know that i shouldn't even be doing it but my plumbing bites.  We are horrible crazy people because we wanted the toilet seat put down. Sorry don't want the animals drinking out out of the toilet.  That was the crazyest thing that he had ever heard of.  My husband works 12 hours a day. Puts a roof over his head, money in his pocket, food in his stomach and the can't even come out of his room to say hello to his father.

And he blames all his problems on me and his parents.  You would think that he was the frist child of divorced parents.  He was 14 when his parents split and he's stuck there.  There's not a soul in the world that can understand how he feels.  Poor Poor him. I'm sorry after 4 months get a frigging JOB.   I say throw his lazy disrespectful ungrateful butt out.  But he continues to pour the guilt trip on my husband.  Grow up get a job and be a man.  Am I wrong?  How do I keep the peace?  How do I save my marriage?  How do we motivate this adult child to grow up???????????????

Shannon

First, THANK YOU for the response!!!!!!!!!  We've had the 'things could have been done different' conversation with the apoligies ect.  We have tried the silent road. We have tried the talk things out road.

Daddy's problem is that he has told him on more than one occasion (I KNOW the first should have been the last!!!) have a job or be doing SOMETHING, i.e. volunteer, school. That day comes and he starts the guilt thing all over again. When he plays that card daddy  caves.  I say throw his butt out.  I think that we have done our best. But there in lies the question. Is there something that we have't done or tried. I know it's not helping him.  That's why I'm ready to walk out. I don't want to be a part of it anymore. But on the other hand I don't want to be done with my marriage.

Again, THANK YOU!!!  Your response lets me know I'm not totally out in left feild.

I am the 8th of ten children.  My father recently passed away and my younger brother and his wife and child occupies his home.  His will states that his assets get divided ten ways.  It has been found out that two if not three of my siblings took advantage of my dads money when he was alive.  They even went out as far as taking out credit cards under my dads name and putting death insurance on them because he had a terminal illness.  I dont know how to deal with the disguist that I have for these family members.  We were told not to enter my fathers home after his death and I respected that, but these same family members cleaned house while we were waiting patiently to go through his personal belongings.  Now my younger brother lives in a house that is 1/10th mine and does not pay any rent, he promises to pay the realestate taxes.  I dont understand why his is living there.  He claims that he wants to buy the house but has not produced an offer to purchase.  I have so much anger and rage inside of me from all of this, that I cant even face any of my family members.  They to me are letting this happen.  What do I do.

You can do it.  You are still young, that is good.  Can you imagine trying to break free after 5 or 10 more years of this??? 

You cannot wait on nor rely on your mother to let go.   Cut her out of this equation.  Your mother is your mother, and that's great.  But often adult children need to take the bull by the horns to move things along.  In your adult life this will happen multiple times (choice of job, choice of spouse, house to buy, when to have kids, how many to have,how to raise them, etc, etc).  Regardless, you need to learn to take your own focus off of your mother and turn your own engergy toward what is needed in your life.  Carry and conduct yourself as an adult.  Stop basing your life's direction on what your mother is or is not doing.  You're obviously going to have give yourself the tools.

How many jobs have you applied for & were turned down for?  What type of jobs?  Have you checked about jobs on campus?  How about a job even near campus,that you could walk to from there?  Can your boyfriend teach you to drive and you practice w/ his car?   When you say you learned but couldn't  get your license, what does that mean?  Did you fail the test?

How much longer in school do you have?   

Thanks for the reply and motivation. I have one year of school left and my campus is 45 min away from my home. I've applied for many actually, but they have told me I have the skills but because I do not have a car, I cannot work for them. I had a job that I lost because I needed my own vehicle to go out and promote for them. My bf's car was totaled and now he uses the bus. I use the bus to get to school as well... I did learn to drive but I was never taken to the DMV to get my license and no one ever has time to do this for me. Not even my few family members will help because they don't want to cross her. It is to the point were I can't go to school because due to her lack of tax filing I can't get financial aid and now have an outstanding balance. I would love to just pack my bags and leave but a job that will hire me using the bus will not cover the cost of living. I could grin and bear it until I have enough money saved up but at the same time that could get me kicked out since it isn't her plan... When I mentioned going to grad school I was threatned to be kicked out..it wasn't her idea.

get this.... the applications say "the bus is NOT reliable transportation"

I think that is discriminatory!

I very much agree w/ the above advice given by jamie1974.    And once you put some space, (physical, financial and emotional) between you and your mother, you can eventually work toward building a new, more age-appopriate relationship w/ your mother.  Before that, though, you need to learn to think about YOUR OWN LIFE.  Consider it as this: you have been brainswashed to focus on what your mother wants/needs.  You need to get yourself un-brainwashed first.  I know it seems scary, as over-controlling, over-demanding parents like this don't give you the skills to learn this (because they want to keep you dependent)...and you've been taught to fear independence (either through fear of your mothers reaction or believe you just can't pull it off yourself).    I think taking a leap of faith in yourself might be warranted.  I think the best way for you to start un-brainwashig yourself is just to get out from under her.  Your mother is dysfunctional about this.  It is what it is.  She is what she is.   You can allow her to continue to drive your relationship w/ her and your life, but you will continue to get the same results you have always gotten.  Otherwise, the person who has to make the change is YOU.