Topic : Adult Children Living at Home

I seem to have a different problem than the rest -- my Mom WANTS me to continue living at (or near) home.  I recently moved to AZ to "escape" her -- she's in NH.  Yes, I'm also out here to "experience the West", start a 2nd career, etc. Even though I've been out on my own for several years, she still wants to be in my life which is understandable... just not to this extent!  She's single and divorced and I'm an only child, who's been single (hardly ever dated for several reasons) so our relationship is special, yes... I love her; however, gimme some SPACE!  I still feel smothered all the way out here.  God forbid I start to date -- she has a negative comment for everything and she's even bad mouthed my best friend since 6th grade! 
 
I've tried to cut the umbilical cord several times -- she takes it to mean that I NEVER want to talk with her or see her again which isn't my intention; however, if she keeps it up, I may need to and I really don't want to do that.  I had a "going away" / celebration (I got my RN & Bach of Science in Nursing in Virginia in May 2008) party right before I came here... a lot of people said how good it would be for me to "be away" for awhile -- I think they realize how much she smothers me but are afraid to stand up to her... I have no one that I feel could talk to Mom about her issue of not being able to let me go -- her brother (my Uncle) died in 2003 and her Mom (my gram) died in 2001 -- they both passed before their time (suddenly and unexpected) were the only 2 people that could "talk some sense" in to her. 

Does anyone have suggestions?  I've thought about writing her a letter b/c whenever I bring up the subject of her being too overbearing and into my life (she needs to get one), we end up escalating it to a "fight."

 

   Hello. I am troubled and could really use some input. My 19 year old moved out with a girl just after he turned 18. They broke up and he moved in with a roommate. Late May this year he came to stay with us because his roommate moved. He had and still has no real job. He does some work here and there,  landscaping.  I know he does work sometimes but he needs a steady job. We tried to get him to at least get into trade school or something, but he says he wants to start his own landscaping business.

 

We told him he needed to chip in a small amount to cover room and board . He has not paid it once. Always some reason he cannot pay. He is gone most of the day and is not too much trouble. He can get a nasty attitude sometimes though. He does usually help out if asked to do something as far as chores and such. Now, we do not care about the money, we can afford to support him, but we do not feel we should and want him to learn some independence.

 

If he was in school or doing something else useful to get his life on a good path, we would not mind supporting him. He has looked for a job but it certainly was not a major job search. We have helped him with resumes and job search and offered to drive him (he has no vehicle) for interviews and such. He seems to think he has to get a $12 hr an hour job since that is what he has been paid before. Yes, he supposedly made $12 hr but yet cannot seem to pay a measly room and board. Hey, McDonalds was good enough for me when I was his age (though it was part time while I worked another full time job) it is good enough for him.

 

He is not a lazy kid as he is very athletic, in very good shape and always active. Personally I think he wants to just to be able to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it. We (stepfather and myself) told him last month that we had enough and if he wasn't  a) steadily looking for a job  b) in school or c) paying his tiny rent that he would have to go. Of course he has done none of these.

 

Now, I know no parent wants to throw their kid out. It hurts just to think about having to do it. Part of me says,well he is 19 and is still finding his way, other part of me says I found my way at 17 and supported myself. I do not want him to be 28 years old and still finding his way. Also, it has only been 3 months not like a year.

 

I guess I am a bit confused. Hubby is pushing for him to go, yet when his boy (who is now 25, living at home but paying his way and not showing any signs of moving) was not working and showed no signs of trying hard  for 6 months he did not throw him out. Hubby made excuses for his boy, like we lived in country it was hard for his boy to find a job. Which was not a problem as we offered several ways for him to get a ride. His boy was 19 at the time also.

 

I am not a clingy mother who is not willing to let her boy go, I did it before and had no problem. I just am not sure if I should give him more time. I am not afraid of him hating me or such because he is the one who is not doing anything useful with his life. He is a bright boy, though often lacks in good judgement, and very talented.

 

thanks for any input you wonderful parents can offer!

 

 

By not insisting that he pay his rent, you are allowing him to be disrespectful.
You are doing the right thing by telling him that he must get a job or go to school, etc., however, by not following through on what you say will happen if he doesn’t do those things, you are teaching him that 1) you don’t really expect him to do it and 2) it is fine with you if he makes no effort to improve himself. As a parent myself, I know that you only want the best for your child. You need to have healthy, reasonable boundaries with your child- and enforce those boundaries- otherwise you will be raising an unproductive, ungrateful citizen of the world. (And as we all know, the world doesn’t need more of those!)
Approach your son and have a conversation- not an argument- about what your expectations are from him. Start the conversation by saying some positive things that you admire about him, for example, something like, “I know you enjoy landscaping, and you are really good at it. It would be great for you to be able to have your own business doing that, and I have no doubt that some day you will. But right now, have you thought about how you can make money, or thought about other jobs you could apply for?” Steer the conversation towards his rent, and tell him something like, “We’ve told you that you have to pay rent in the past, and you haven’t paid at all. Starting this month, I’m going to insist that you pay, but I’m willing to be flexible, also; if you can barter your services for rent, that will work also.” (If you feel that way, that is)
I know it isn’t easy but it is so important that you follow through on your own words. You want your son to go out into the world and be a successful, productive citizen; that is what all loving parents want for their kids- so provide him with the rules to live by. I wish you the best!

Wow, you have gone to some extremes to spread your wings.  What will happen when Mom relocates to Arizona?

 

I suggest that you let Mom know what your guidelines need to be.  Let your Mom know very clearly when you want to inform her and are not seeking her advice.  Let her know when you want her advice.  Let her know that you want to share your life with her but do not want negative input from her.  Try to be firm and tell her you will hang up the phone because of her negativity and will talk with her tomorrow.  You are an only child but are no longer a child. 

 

Remember, it takes two to fight.  Your mom would benefit from friendships but you can't make her foster them.  You can only control yourself and change yourself, not other's behavior.

 

I am a mom to an only child and she often reminds me to stop when I start to give her unsolicited advice or try to give her "solutions" to a problem.  I guess that is a moms downfall.  She does give me reassurance that I did a good job raising her and can make her own mistakes and try to find her own solutions.  She will say, "Mom, I'm just telling you, not asking you."  We talk on the phone often.  She went away to a college in a different state, then married and settled there.  She says she is looking forward to my retirement and moving to her town.  Maybe you and your mom's relationship can get to that point.  It does take time, and consistency when setting new boundaries. 

 

Good Luck,

Pat

HELP!!! I am a 38 year old woman, have lived on my own since I was 18. I love living on my own -despite having a disability and having people say that I wouldn't be able to take care of myself. I've proved them all wrong by paying my own bills (on time and without anyone's help). I've never bounced a check (except once after I moved into my first apartment but I was learning) and usually have more left in my account at the end of the month than my father does.

 

Point is, I love living on my own. I love taking care of myself. I really miss living on my own, and I miss taking care of myself. I've always been a loner. I don't hate being in a crowd or being around people, but I don't seek them out either. Actually I'd prefer to be in a room full of strangers than with even 1 family member, but that's another subject.

 

My nightmare started when my younger sister Diane left her husband and her and her 3 children moved to north dakota to stay with us. My parents own a duplex and I was living on one side and they were living on the other side. Even that was too close, and was thinking on moving further away, but anyway my sister stayed for a while then decided she didn't like it in north dakota. BTW my sister is the spoiled one. My mother has been unhappy with my father for over 20 years, but I won't go into detail about that. I'll speed up this story and get to the part where my mother left my father (me going with her because I had a monthly income and she doesn't -by the way I wasn't really asked it was just assumed that I should go because mom couldn't make it without dad unless I was with her -because of my monthly disability check.) My uncle Tim, my mother's brother said that we could stay with them until we get our own place. So we moved to Oregon. I told mom it was a bad idea because my grandmother, my mom's mom, Viola lives out there and she is a mean, controlling, vandictive woman hiding in 'sweet little old lady costume' ie: she's not as nice and kind as she looks. My sister got settled while we were there, she was going to go to college, had filed for divorce with her husband -everything seemed to be going good for her.

 

Things weren't working out so well for the rest of us. My grandmother Vi was working her 'magic' saying she doesn't remember when she tried to get me put away (long story that happened in the past), I didn't believe her, but everyone else did. I knew better than to believe her. All I had to do was look into that old woman's eyes to see that she hadn't changed. I was right, it wasn't long before Vi was talking about getting me put away, Diane leaving her kids with Uncle Tim so she could get her own place closer to the college and Mom moving in with Uncle Billy (mom's brother whom Vi has complete control of) so that Billy can 'take care of mom'. My mother is an adult, but for some reason she's very frightened of my grandmother. When she was a teenager she use to runaway all the time, get jobs, then run away again every time her mother found her. Because of the stories mom has told me about her childhood, I understand why she kept running away, but I'm not going to repeat any of them here because for one it'll take too long, and two, she told me in confidence.

 

Instead of standing up to her mother and brother, mom decided to 'runaway' again. Diane wasn't happy about it, but left with us even though she didn't have to. Uncle Tim said Diane and the kids could stay there as long as she needed to, but Diane decided to leave with us anyway. In case you're wondering, I wanted to stay too. I knew that Vi couldn't do anything to us, and I was looking forward to taking some classes at the college too.

 

So we moved to Nampa, Idaho. Got into an apartment, I stayed in my room mostly, with my laptop. Trying to stay away from everyone and hoping that everyone would stay away from me. Mom and Diane were suposedly looking for jobs. Mom really was, and she got a few, Diane was only 'pretending' to look for a job. I found out online about a program that has been around for years but that no one ever bothered to tell me about. Ticket to Work. It's for disabled people. But before I could get into that Diane decides to run away with almost $4,000.00 of Mom's money that she'd saved for years to get away from dad or start a business (mom changed her mind about that alot). While I was sleeping (I escaped by sleeping late, reading or browsing the internet in my room) and mom was out of the house, either going to the library, the store or putting in applications for jobs -I'm not sure what she was doing that day, but the point is, my sister Diane stole the almost four thousand dollars mom had hidden in a porcelain doll's head, packed up the kids clothes, etc.. into her van. Left her house key in the counter in the kitchen and left. Back to Ohio.

 

Mom lost it when she found out. I really think she had a nervous break down. Crying so hard she was shaking and she kept asking me 'What are we going to do Joann?' I didn't have an answer so I just held her and let her cry. I never hated my sister more than I did at that moment. Thankfully, I had money in my account. My checks don't get sent to me, I have it automatically deposited into my checking acount. BTW I don't hate my sister, I hate what she did, but I don't hate her. In fact I was a little jealous -she did what I dreamed of doing, run away from my mother. I wouldn't have stolen mom's money though. Mom thinks Diane went back to Ohio to get back with her now exhusband, I agreed with her of course. Didn't want to hurt her feelings by telling her: "No mom, she ran away to get away from you."

 

Speeding forward -we ended up moving back to North Dakota. Finally I talked my mother into seeing if she could get a monthly income of her own. It wasn't much because she refuses to divorce dad. (Says that it costs $500 to get a divorce even though I found cheaper while searching online.) We got a place in Minot ND, didn't get cable, only chose local from the phone company. We only had 1 channel that came in good enough to watch. We stayed there about 9 months, 8 or 9 months then moved again, to Ohio. Using the credit card dad gave mom, we stayed in a cheap hotel (i thought it was great because it had cable) for two weeks. That's how long it took us to find a place to rent in Salem, Ohio.

 

Living with mom is.. let's just say that hell couldn't be much worse.

 

My mother is the only one allowed to get upset and show it. Her favorite or rather her most common sayings are "Snap out of it" "I can't go through this again" did I mention "Snap out if it?" She get's angry she expresses it, she get's depressed, she expresses it. If Mom get's bored she complains that she has nothing to do, and she gets pissed if I'm not bored too. She gets pissed if I have something to do (reading, writing, my laptop) and she doesn't. She'll sit in her chair and glare at me because I have something to do and am not bored.

 

It is my opinion that everyone has a right to their feelings. Everyone has the right to own their feelings and express them nonviolently. If only my mother felt the same way. Heaven forbid if I should complain about anything. She'll respond "I don't want to hear it" or more commonly "I can't go through this again". But she can complain to me all she wants. If I'm depressed or sad, she'll tell me to "Snap out it". But don't you dare say that to her when she's sad or depressed. I'm also not allowed to get angry, but she is. And she's allowed to throw a major fit when she is angry. No I'm not talking throwing things around and getting violent. My mother uses words, and glaring.

 

My mother told me, starting when she left dad, that she knows that with me is where she is supose to be. She's also called us "Soul Mates". You can imagine my horror! She's said this more than once, since. At the beginning I told her that we'll live together until we both find our own place. She's done everything in her power to make sure that we "stay together". Including emotional blackmail.

 

Things got pretty bad in the place we were renting in Salem. Wondering what we were going to do because we could barely afford to live there. One day she asked me a question "Do you think we should go back to North Dakota? We'd have to live in your side again" (meaning my side of the duplex that dad let me live in rent free, all I had to pay was my own bills.) Anyway, I gave the wrong answer (meaning not the one she wanted) and she got upset. My answer was "We'd have more money if we do." Because I knew dad wouldn't charge us rent, we'd just have to pay our bills. So teary eyed she called dad and asked him to come get us. I hate north dakota, I didn't want to go back to north dakota. But what I said was true, we'd have more money because we wouldn't have to pay rent.

 

Then she called Diane, my sister. The one who stole her money and left us stranded in Nampa, Idaho. She called her to tell her we were going back to north dakota because Joann (me) wants to go back. And she's crying. It gets worse after that. She's complaining and mumbling how all her children don't care about her and always hurt her and doesn't love her. I want from her "Soul Mate" (YUCK) to being the cause of all her problems and unhappiness.

 

I decided to run away.

 

I had planned to run away for a while, and I think she suspected because all of a sudden she stopped sleeping all through the night. Mom would wake up and 'check on me'. She said she couldn't sleep because it was too hot or she was worried, but I know she suspected I was going to do something. I had started packing secretly. Well she stopped leaving the house so I couldn't leave, she stopped sleeping at night so I couldn't leave. She came back one day and surprised me by telling me I could use the car to go to the movies. This was my chance. I said okay, but when I grabbed my purse and laptop I think she knew I was going to run away. Mom knows that I would never leave without my laptop. She tried to get me to leave it, saying she wouldn't have anything to do if I took it with me, I lied and told her that I was going to drop it off at Best Buy so the Geek Squad could look at it because it has a virus and isn't working right. She didn't believe me. But when I didn't agree to leave my laptop she said okay, she'll camp out in the back seat of the car while I take it into best buy then go to the movies.

 

I was determined to escape now more than ever. I started wondering if Best Buy has a back door I could sneak out of, and how far away I could get on foot before my mother decided to come inside the store to look for me. Thankfully I didn't have to do that. Mom came back inside the house after cleaning out the back seat where she had planned on 'camping out', and told me that she wasn't going to go with me, to just go to best buy and the movies. The only reason she did though was because she thought she thought of a better way to make sure I don't run away. Before I left the house she tossed me her keys and told me that if I'm not back by 2 am that she was going to call the police and tell them the car was stolen.

 

I left anyway. Earlier online, I was looking up homeless shelters and had a list of phone numbers to call. I drove to the Eastwood Mall in Niles, I don't know why I went there, I wasn't planning on buying anything, I didn't have any money to buy anything. I just ended up there. I found a place to sit and using mom's cell phone started dialing numbers while keeping an eye on the time. Couldn't find a shelter that wasn't full. Got into the car and started driving again. It was getting dark and in four hours it would be 2am and mom had threatened that if I wasn't back by 2 am she'd call the police and tell them that the car was stolen. She thought that would stop me from running away. But I'd had enough. I was going to escape her even if I didn't have a roof over my head.

 

Still didn't know what to do. I walked into McDonalds in Newton Falls, made more calls, still couldn't find any that weren't full, and one lady tried to talk me into going back. I hung up on her. I was sitting in a booth, trying not to cry. Must have been the look on my face because a woman who worked there asked me what was wrong. I didn't exactly tell her, but asked her if she knew of a homeless shelter nearby. She said that the Newton Falls police could help me. That made me a little nervous, but at the same time I was relieved. The manager gave me free food, I didn't ask for it, she offered it to me. When the police came I talked to them, told them I left, handed them the keys to mom's car and told them that mom let me take it, but said that if I wasn't back with it by 2 am that she would call the police to tell them it was stolen. Begged them not to tell my mother where I was and the officer I talked to promised that he wouldn't. I was waiting at the police station for what felt like forever while he made some calls. A religious group called Church Mouse arranged to pay for me to stay at a hotel for one night. After that I would be on my own, but at least I'd have a roof over my head that night.

 

My mother told everyone that i had misunderstood what she'd said. That she would have called the police if I wasn't back by 2am because she was worried about me. When she tells people that now, I agree with her (have to agree in order to keep the peace). But I immediately tell them what her exact words were: "If you're not back by 2 am I'm going to call the police and tell them the car was stolen" and let them make up their own mind. She doesn't like it when I do that.

 

Mom went to the Newton Fall police station, I knew she would after they called to tell her where she could get her car. (She'd called my brother to help her.) I was nervous the entire time waiting for them to find a place to put me, expecting mom to walk in at any moment. I didn't know where I was going to be the next day, but when I was finally in the hotel room that the church mouse paid for, it was like a weight was literally lifted off my shoulders. I felt free. It didn't matter that I didn't know where I was going to sleep tomarow night. I had escaped!

 

The police broke their promise and told my mother (after she'd started sobbing in the police station) what hotel I was staying at. No one knew where I was, but I just 'knew' I was found (or caught) when the phone in my hotel room started ringing. I stared at it for a long time before I answered it. The person asked if someone came to see me if they could send them to my room. I should have said no. I regret not saying no. But now Mom knew where I was staying. She didn't know the room I was in, but I had to be out the next day. If I had said no, she would have waited until the next day and 'catch' me leaving in the morning. I wasn't even free for an hour.

 

Of course I said yes, and opened the door when there was a knock. I knew who it was. I had expected to see my mom, but there was a surprise too. I haven't seen my brother in over five years, and there he was. My brother John and his wife Jodi was standing behind my mom. They looked really happy to see me, John really looked happy to see me. My mother looked like she had been crying. She hugged me when she saw me. I felt like crying too (but for a completely different reason -I was trapped.)

 

My brother and his wife left us alone so we could 'talk'. The first words out of my mother's mouth was not "I didn't know you were that unhappy," or "I'm glad you're alright," my mother's first words were "I didn't know you hated me that much". Not being able to express my feelings outloud, I wrote them all down. She read them.

 

So now we're living with my brother and his wife. I love them. Mom already has a problem with Jodi, but to go into that right now will make this post even longer. We found a very nice apartment complex that goes according to your income, it's for elderly and disabled. Mom is elderly and I'm disabled. I wanted to get my own apartment. Being that they go according to your income, mom could afford to live there by herself, and I could afford to live by myself. But before I could open my mouth my mother tells the woman sitting behind the desk that we want a one 2-bedroom apartment.

 

She's determined to live with me forever. My sister told me once that it's like mom and I are married, Diane, my sister thought it was funny, I thought and still think it was an insult. My soul mate is out there somewhere and it is NOT my mother. I  joined eharmony. When mom found out she freaked. Her response: "Men can't be trusted" "but Joann don't you remember? You always said that you didn't want to get married, you always wanted to live by yourself" (Sure now she remembers). The next day when going for a drive she tells me that she would be happy if I found someone and fell in love and got married. That she would be okay by herself. Liar. If I fell in love and got married she would take it as me betraying her.

 

I talk about doing secret shopper jobs and she wants to go with me. I talk about Ticket to Work and she talks me into waiting. She talks about getting cleaning jobs we do 'together'. Everything has to be done 'together'.

 

Something I've learned a long time ago. If you don't agree with her, you're against her and thus her enemy. I learned to agree with her, whether I really do or not. A week after she'd told me that she would be okay if I met someone, fell in love and got married, she asked me how much I was paying for eharmony. I knew right away why she was asking. She wanted me to cancel my membership. I was paying monthly at the time, but I lied and told her that I had paid for six months. She dropped the subject.

 

I'm not giving up though. I will escape. Even if it means running away again. But this time I'll be smarter about it. I'll apply at a different low income apartment building -there's a waiting list. Give an email address and cell number that mom doesn't know about, when they call I'll move in. Wait for her to go to the grocery store or the library or something and move into that apartment with only the clothes I'm wearing if I have to. But I will get away from my mother.

 

I will escape. I will escape. I will escape. God, someone please help me escape!

 

I have been married for 3.5 years to an older man.  I am 40 years old and he is 58.  I was unable to have children naturally and have learned to live with it.  I was married in my mid 20's and divorced 5 years ago.  My husband has 4 grown adult children.  The 2 oldest (from his first marriage) are great people.  They love and respect their Dad and me.  The youngest 2 are a complete different story.  The son who's 28 years old, uses his father daily.  He works for the same construction company as his dad (dad is supervisor) and he goes to work when he wants.  He lies as to why he can't be there.  He only pays child support when he has a paycheck (gets a seasonal lay off in the winter season).  He will not pay his child support out of his unemployment check.  He says that he has his kids (2 boys - ages 8 and 5) every weekend and shouldn't have to pay his ex (girlfriend  - never married).  He lives with his mother.  He doesn't pay any rent or household expenses.  He does not have a drivers license (3 drunk drivings).  Maybe its easier for me to see this then the actual parents.  But this adult child is a big LOSER.  He spends all of his money that he does make on himself.  He has borrowed money from us, to never pay it back, but now has my husband saving money for him.  This would be a good thing, if his bills were paid....He doesn't pay any bills except what is garnished.  He has cell phone bills in collection agencies, he has unpaid medical bills, in collection agency.  I don't understand why the parents tolerate it.  I try to stay out of it but sometimes get extremely pissed at him and my husband for catering to his wants.  We always have to drive him around and get him to the bank, dr. appointments and to and home from work - when he decides to go and lets not forget the stop and the party store to buy beer and cigarettes.  This has been going on for 3 years of my 3.5 year marriage.  The only reason that it wasn't happening in the begining is because he was locked up.  Granted that cost us $25.00 per week so he could have things while he was in jail.  Then when he got out, we had to pay an $1,100 fine off because they were going to arrest him again.  Both his parents make up excuses for him.  How can he work a part time job on weekends when he has his kids.  He doesn't need his kids every weekend, especially since hes not teaching them anything except to mooch.  The agreement through friend of the court is to have them every other weekend.  I think that he wants his kids because then he has an excuse and how can Mom kick him out of the house when he has kids.  The mother is an awful role model.  She gambles all of her money away.  Has lost her house and has collection agencies calling her daily.  This is a woman that makes nearly $30.00 an hour and should have no excuse except being selffish.  My husband always says well he needs help, so we'll give him what he wants.  I just don't see how my marriage will last if the crap doesn't stop.  Its the first thing I hear everyday is something about the son.  He needs a ride here or a ride there.  I've suggested to my husband that maybe he should call a cab or take a bus once and awhile and his response is well he can't afford it.  He has at least $200.00 per week and blows it on himself.  His latest was that he has to have a laptop computer but then has to take the next day off work to get the DSL line in his mothers house.  I just upsets me because my husband works long days and I work full time myself.  I don't feel like I should have to figure out how to make ends meet when the son doesn't contribute to gas or has never paid anything back.  How can I possibly make my husband open his eyes?  His youngest child (female - 26) is an awful person.  She has 4 kids- never married - tries to soak any assistance or money out of anyone.  We paid for a car for her - she was suppose to make the payments and insurance but we got stiffed.  The payment was for $425.00 per month and the insurance was another $300.00 every other month.  My husband and myself paid for it.  We forked out over $12000.00 .  In April, she called her father up on his cell phone and wanted him to cosign for a car loan.  Can you believe having the guts to ask that.  He said no thanks.  She then turned around and called the house and when I answered the phone she called me a whore and threated to kick my butt, that I better watch my every move.  I have been done with her since.  My husband hasn't had anything to do with her either, but I feel it coming.  I just wish my husband would cut the cord and stop catering to them.  They just use him.  The don't even get him a fathers day card or birthday.  The son will call and when the olders 2 children ask him why don't you buy Dad a gift for Christmas ? His response well I can't afford that.  I love my husband dearly and he deserves to be treated better, but I can't forsee myself living this way forever.  I've heard that they slam their father behind his back and have talked about me too.  When confronted they lie.  I just hope someone has some advise to help me deal with this situation.  I don't want to give up and leave because of them. I don't know if i'm thinking correct, but my husband had an awful childhood.  Was beat my his father and moved from one project to the next.  I think that he just wants his kids to have everything but doesn't realize that it needs to stop.  They are too old for this.  Whenever I've told my husband that were being used, you can just see the hurt in his eyes, so I just don't say anything anymore. 

What you describe is horrible. It is understandable that your husband wants to help his younger (adult) kids ‘get on their feet,’ as a parent, of course he wants to do that; however, it is a HUGE difference between assisting them to get on their feet and being a personal ATM machine.
Although it is hurtful to your husband, it is important that you have another discussion. Be calm and rational, let him know that you don’t want to argue/fight about this, you just need to talk about the issue and come to an understanding and/or resolution. When your husband “helps out” his son, what he is really doing is enabling him to continue his irresponsible lifestyle. His son knows that he can be a screw up & that dad will clean up his mess. While it is good to know that dad is supportive; taking advantage of that is something a dirt-bag would do. Let your husband know that you understand it will be difficult to say “no,” it will be hard to create and enforce boundaries; but assure him that you will be there to emotionally support him. Start with some small goals and work your way up. I wish you the best!

I am writing this out of desperation. My wife does not understand why I get so upset about her 24 year old son living with us for the last 6 months. I have to practically beg him to take out the trash, clean his bathroom, etc. He doesn't pay any rent that I know of, help out with groceries, and has a 7 year old son, who really is a wonderful child, that we also support part time. To top it all off, she is smoking pot with him on a regular basis, and I keep telling her that this is not good, especially since he has lost a job for failing a wizz-quiz. He is working a little bit but doesn't appear to be making any effort towards bettering his life in a way that he could support himself. I am very committed to my wife, have woefully accepted the fact that she smokes her dope, but encouraging him by smoking it with him is what's really got me upset. She doesn't get it, and it's been threatening to tear us apart. Am I wrong to be upset?

I just read Survivor's entry and felt better to see that I am not alone.  My 24 yo step son has lived with us for the last 6 years and has never shown me or his mother any respect.  He doesn't contribute to the house by buying groceries or pitching in for anything.  I have been respecting my wife's dedication to helping her son, but our marriage is in danger.  Her son is threatening and hateful.  I fear that the next time he loses his temper i will have him removed by the police.  He curses at his mother and steals from me.  I kicked him out once and she left with him.  We resolved and got back together 4 months later and then he moved right back in while I wasn't home.  Now he is worse than ever.  I love my wife and want to grow old with her.  Her son is so lazy and selfish that there is no way they would ever be able to survive if I leave.  I don't want to hurt her either.  I want to make her life better and happier.  If I didn't love her so much I would have left a long time ago.  Is there a way to get him out in a positive way?  I am desperate.

Nagatuk,

I feel you, man. It's tough, 'cause you know the mother loves her son, but is enabling him by letting him get away with what he's doing. They just don't realize that they're not helping the situation any. I'm not perfect by any means, but have been through enough personal issues and various counseling and have read self help books and witnessed and analyzed so many various situations that I know good and well what's good for the kid and what's not. (for the most part) He's a good kid, basically, but after speaking with various family members, I know enough about how his father raised him to realize the reason why he is what he is. He was a high school quarterback ( a damn good one, too) and his father (may he Rest In Peace) did everything but wipe his butt for him while he was alive, which is very loving, but somewhat irresponsible as far as preparing him for real life. He is still letting the pain of losing his father to a brain tumor drag him down. It's been 3 years and he needs to move on, but isn't. It's gonna take some tough love from both of us, but he's not gonna listen to me, because I'm not his real father. It sounds like you're also parenting a step son, and we're both learning that it's a tough situation to be in.  We may get lucky and spark a response out of someone who can help us deal with this constructively. May strongest desire is to just help this young man realize that it's time to spread his wings, cut the apron strings and learn how to support himself and move on.

Good Luck.......