Topic : Adult Children Living at Home

MAYBE SOMEONE OUT THERE CAN RELATE TO THIS, IF SO- I WOULD LOVE SOME FEEDBACK! I HAVE 2 STEP CHILDREN IN MY HOUSE. THE BOY IS NEVER A PROBLEM. IT IS THE 21 YEAR OLD GIRL. I AM AT MY WITS END. SHE HAS LIVED WITH US FOR ALMOST 3 YEARS NOW. AT FIRST WE GOT ALONG JUST FINE, THEN I BEGAN TO NOTICE THAT SHE WAS HELPING HERSELF TO ALL OF MY PERSONAL BELONGINGS WITHOUT ASKING PERMISSION. HER FATHER AND I AGREED THAT IF THERE WERE ANY PROBLEMS THAT I WOULD COME TO HIM AND LET HIM HANDLE IT WITH HIS CHILDREN, AND HE WOULD DO THE SAME CONCERNING MY CHILDREN. I WENT TO HIM, AND WHEN HE WOULD CONFRONT HER, SHE WOULD REPLY WITH, "DAD, I SWEAR I DIDN'T TAKE ANYTHING OF HERS." EVEN WHEN I CAUGHT HER WALKING OUT OF THE HOUSE WITH A BOTTLE OF MY LOTION, SHE DENIED THAT SHE HAD TAKEN IT. THIS WENT ON FOR THE FIRST YEAR. I GUESS SHE FINALLY GOT TIRED OF HER FATHER CHEWING HER OUT. THIS GIRL IS SO IRRESPONSIBLE, SHE DOESN'T WORK NOW- SHE DOESN'T GO TO SCHOOL, SHE LOST HER DRIVERS LICENSE, SHE TOTALED HER CAR. SHE IS ONLY CONCERNED ABOUT PARTYING. I HAVE FOUND POT THAT SHE BROUGHT INTO THE HOUSE, SHE CONSTANTLY LIES TO HER FATHER! WHEN SHE WAS GOING TO SCHOOL, SHE WASN'T SHOWING UP FOR CLASS, SO WHEN THE FORM CAME THAT SHE WAS ACADEMIC PROBATION- TO HER FATHER, THE EXCUSE IS "DADDY, THEY MUST OF MESSED UP, BECAUSE I WENT TO CLASS." AND HE BUYS IT HALF WAY. LATELY I'VE NOTICED SOME SPITEFUL THINGS. I WAS OUTSIDE THE OTHER WEEK, SHE CLOSES THE GARAGE DOOR, LOCKS THE HOUSE DOOR, I COME IN THROUGH THE OTHER SIDE DOOR WHERE MY BEDROOM IS, THAT SHE DIDN'T LOCK , AND SHE SAYS TO ME, WHEN YOU WERE OUTSIDE TRYING TO START THE LAWN MOWER IT STARTLED ME. RIGHT THEN I KNEW SHE LOCKED THE DOORS ON PURPOSE. I GOT SO MAD, BECAUSE I ACTUALLY WAS COMING BACK IN BECAUSE I DIDN'T FEEL WELL, I HAD JUST WENT OFF OF MY HEART MEDICATION FOR A HEART CATHETERIzATION 2 DAYS LATER.   I HAD A SHIRT THAT ENDED UP MISSING OUT OF THE DRYER, I ASKED HER FATHER TO SEE IF SHE HAD IT, AND IT WAS IN HER ROOM. BUT HER REPONSE WAS " DAD! I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THIS GOT IN HERE!" AND IT WAS LEFT AT THAT. SHE DOES NOT DO ANY CHORES AROUND THE HOUSE. HER ROOM IS A MESS, SHE TAKES DISHES THAT I HAVE PURCHASED AND LEAVES THEM WHEREVER, I HAVE CAUGHT HER TAKING MONEY OUT OF HER LITTLE BROTHERS ROOM, SHE HAS BOUGHT ALCOHOL FOR HER BROTHER TO DRINK( HE'S ONLY 17). BY ALL MEANS, MY CHILDREN ARE NOT PERFECT, AND THEY ARE MOST CERTAINLY PUNISHED TO THE FULLEST EXTENT WHEN THEY DO WRONG. I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I AM AT MY WITS END!!! HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH TYPE OF SITUATION? HER FATHER DOESN'T SEE IT.

I know this is  a hot topic and have seen many of Dr. Phil's show relating to this very same subject.  My 23 yro son who does not live with me blames just about everything that has gone wrong in his life on my ex and me and my current husband of 6 years.  Can someone please tell me if the hurt ever goes away?  I have been going to counseling  for this and hear great advice but deep down this is still my son and it is very difficult to put him on ignore...he goes from nice son to ugly, hateful mean son which keeps me on a proverbial roller coaster.  My son has lied and said the most incredible things about my ex and I that would probably put us in jail or get us arrested if they were in fact true.  This is has been going on for approximately 5 years with the onset of him going away to college...and now the money has stopped.  We believe he will never be a productive adult if he does not hold down a job and be accountable.  I have learned to deal with this by distancing myself. Having a conversation with my son at this point is almost impossible..he is very angry and very bitter and mirroring his dad's caustic personality by trying to verbally attack me and his dad.    He is trying to punish us and make us feel guilty thereby giving him money to passify and patch things up which has stopped.  We have been enablers but have finally after many years wised up.  I would like to hear from others who are going through the same thing with their college aged children.    I have tried to explain to my son that I did the best I could and lord knows his dad and I have gone through thousands to try and help him but he is ungrateful, hateful, unappreciative and now he blames his depression on us and the accusations are going from bad to worse.    Has anyone had to cut the communication/ties to preserve their sanity and well being with an adult child.  My daughter is 17 and I have a great job and husband of 6 years so I have a great deal to be healthy  & happy for...but there are times and days this almost overwhelms me and devastates me.  Comments would be appreciated!  Cindy

Stay strong.  Make it clear to your son that while you are his mother and love him and will listen to his problem, once he figures out what it is, you will not be treated like a punching bag or second class citizen.  You're not doing him, yourself, or especially your teenaged daughter any favors by allowing him to treat you so disrespectfully.

 

Allow him the oppertunity to approach you, and as soon as he becomes verbally abusive, that's it, convo is over... pick up your stuff and leave.  Don't buy into the drama, as an adult, he needs to learn how to approach his problems rationally, without throwing a fit... and if given the chance to think about it without you engaging in his guilt trap, he may learn something.

 

The late teens/early 20's is (or is supposed to be) a transition from childhood into self-sufficiency, and it's hard to learn that you have to make your own way in the world, and honestly, nobody gives you anything in the world, so why should you teach your son that if he throws a big enough tantrum he'll get money.... ummmmmm, hello?

 

Put an end to communication if he can't understand... for your daughter's sake, otherwise, she will see that all you are worried about is him and most likely, you will get a repeat prefomance when she leaves home.

My daughter and her husband are currently  separated and she is living here with me. 

They are working on their marriage but I doubt that it works out.

She is starting to spend a little time over at there home where he is living.

This is what I want to tell her but I'd like a little feedback:

1. If you decide to go there to spend the night, be sure to take everything you have here and move back in with your husband.  (I don't want to enable her to prostitute herself and be used as his whore.)

2. If she contiunes to "visit" over there and ends up pregnant she will not have a place in my home to live.  (I can't believe she is stupid enough to be having sex with her husband when they are 1 step away from divorce court.)

it's a little hard to offer clear feedback without knowing the specifics surrounding the separation...  however.

 

while you are fully within your rights to set boundries concerning what takes place in your home, consider that you daughter is a grown woman (i hope) and has the right to set the boundries regarding her marriage... this may be merely and instance of a couple getting tired of seeing each other everyday and they are getting under each others skin and need some space.  However, again without specifics, it's hard to tell...

 

You could lay down the "rules" if you choose to but it may hurt your daughters feelings to know that your support comes with tough emotional stipulations she may not be ready to live up to. 

 

My suggestion is that you calmly make your concerns clear and trust her judgement.  If you can't do that, her moving back in may not be a great plan.

 

Best of luck to you

Grown woman maybe be the key phrase here.  At time I would say absolutely  at other she has seems to be a teenager.  This of course may be my own fault for protecting her from falling and general pains of growing up. 

I've stepped back and let her fall many times hoping she learns and she has.  However she is more fragil than she should be for her age and suffers from depression, borderlining on bipolar disorder with a little OCD thrown in the mix...lol. 

Thank you very much for  your input.  You did help me make a decision.  I am going to voice my concerns and pray she makes smart decisions that put my concerns to rest. 

I really don't want any child of mine to ever think they can not have a roof over their heads in case they need it. 

Thank you Thank you Thank you

Since she is living with you, it is reasonable that you want her to be respectful of your rules.

It must be difficult to watch your daughter leave and spend time with her husband, a man that you know is unstable; but if you give your daughter ‘ultimatums’ like telling her to take all of her stuff, etc., that will only backfire on you. What if he is suave enough to get her to believe he really has ‘changed,’ and so she wants to spend time with him, but then you tell her to take all of her stuff and go, and then later when he becomes violent or something she will feel like she has nowhere to go- you don’t want your daughter to feel out in the cold like that. She needs a soft place to fall, even if she isn’t using reasonable decision making processes, she deserves your support.

I know that, as her mother, you want what is best for your daughter- and it is difficult to watch her make wrong choices; however, be hopeful that the next wrong choice will be the last one.

Just curious, do you call her a whore and/or prostitute to her face? That could explain her lack of self esteem and where it comes from.

Did you tell her husband that she had a one night stand so that she would move back home with you?

Hi my name is Chris and I am a 23 year old male.  I have family issues pertaining to my mother and my grandmother.  This is going to be hard for me to explain and put all into words but i'm going to try so here goes.  On the inside I almost hate my mother and grandmother.  They irritate and piss me off.  My mom has no real job because of her bankruptcy and credit.  My mother holds me back from moving out by manipulating me mentally (atleast in my opinion).  I am hoping to get this bank teller job nearby and I mentioned that once I do and save up some money I am going to move out.  she says something like this "oh thats nice of you to leave and not help here".  Thats not verbatim but I can't remember it exactly.  Anyway isn't that a bit selfish and hurtfull?  To persuade me to stay out of guilt?  I'm about to explode, i'd love to just punch her in the face (not that I would I just feel that way). 

 

I tried to leave twice, once when I joined the navy only to be discharged and returned home.  And another a few months ago when I left to live with my dad.  Both times she cried her eyes out because they felt I betrayed them.  I just want to live on my own.  I understand that living in atlanta is expensive but still I do not want to live here.  It's toxic and mentally unhealthy as well as generally unhealthy. 

 

I just don't know what to do, I feel manipulated so much and i've been so full of anger i've wanted to blow my head off just to spite them.   Here is an example of how I feel I have been manipulated.  My grandmother used to have a little lovebird here until it died.  Now I am no fan of pets.  This bird had pretty much free reign in the house.  It would go anywhere it pleased.  I know alot of people have pets but I think its disgusting when it poo's in the house.  Birds are different then cats or dogs when they poo since they can fly (arial poo).  

 

Now my grandmother didn't force it to live in a cage, instead it would live in the kitchen cabinet right above the sink.   The kitchen is the worst place to let a pet live and I had pretty much no say so.  There was numerous times my grandmother would make us food and I swear I have seen bird poo on some of my food.  When I confronted her about it do you know what she said?  "Oh thats just seasoning".  SEASONING?!?!?  how freaking ignorant.  Wouldn't any of you feel a bit lied to and atleast a tad bit upset?  Am I wrong for the way I feel?

 

 

So if you could please answer me this question.  Shouldn't I being a 23 year old male be living on my own taking care of myself?  I really hope to get this job and once I do i'm going to work first toward getting my own car and moving out.  I am not in college at the moment but I am going to go whether it be a tech school or what I am going to go.  If any of you have real solid advice and guidance as to what I should do please reply.  I am lost but I really want to get out of here.

Do I call her a prostiture or whore to her face you ask..  Well no.  Those are the words she used when she did exactly what I mentioned a couple of weeks ago.  Her lack of self esteem was in tact prior to her marriage to this person.   It's not like they have been married a short time, they've been married and living away from home across country for several years...  since she was 19. (she will be 26 in days) She was very bright and extremely successful person for the first few years of the marriage. 

Over the past 2 years as he has  become more successful and away from home most of the time she has mentally declined.  He's only home about 40 days a year.