Topic : Adult Children Living at Home

Hi my name is Chris and I am a 23 year old male.  I have family issues pertaining to my mother and my grandmother.  This is going to be hard for me to explain and put all into words but i'm going to try so here goes.  On the inside I almost hate my mother and grandmother.  They irritate and piss me off.  My mom has no real job because of her bankruptcy and credit.  My mother holds me back from moving out by manipulating me mentally (atleast in my opinion).  I am hoping to get this bank teller job nearby and I mentioned that once I do and save up some money I am going to move out.  she says something like this "oh thats nice of you to leave and not help here".  Thats not verbatim but I can't remember it exactly.  Anyway isn't that a bit selfish and hurtfull?  To persuade me to stay out of guilt?  I'm about to explode, i'd love to just punch her in the face (not that I would I just feel that way). 

I tried to leave twice, once when I joined the navy only to be discharged and returned home.  And another a few months ago when I left to live with my dad.  Both times she cried her eyes out because they felt I betrayed them.  I just want to live on my own.  I understand that living in atlanta is expensive but still I do not want to live here.  It's toxic and mentally unhealthy as well as generally unhealthy. 

I just don't know what to do, I feel manipulated so much and i've been so full of anger i've wanted to blow my head off just to spite them.   Here is an example of how I feel I have been manipulated.  My grandmother used to have a little lovebird here until it died.  Now I am no fan of pets.  This bird had pretty much free reign in the house.  It would go anywhere it pleased.  I know alot of people have pets but I think its disgusting when it poo's in the house.  Birds are different then cats or dogs when they poo since they can fly (arial poo).  

Now my grandmother didn't force it to live in a cage, instead it would live in the kitchen cabinet right above the sink.   The kitchen is the worst place to let a pet live and I had pretty much no say so.  There was numerous times my grandmother would make us food and I swear I have seen bird poo on some of my food.  When I confronted her about it do you know what she said?  "Oh thats just seasoning".  SEASONING?!?!?  how freaking ignorant.  Wouldn't any of you feel a bit lied to and atleast a tad bit upset?  Am I wrong for the way I feel?

So if you could please answer me this question.  Shouldn't I being a 23 year old male be living on my own taking care of myself?  I really hope to get this job and once I do i'm going to work first toward getting my own car and moving out.  I am not in college at the moment but I am going to go whether it be a tech school or what I am going to go.  If any of you have real solid advice and guidance as to what I should do please reply.  I am lost but I really want to get out of here.

Hi my name is Chris and I am a 23 year old male.  I have family issues pertaining to my mother and my grandmother.  This is going to be hard for me to explain and put all into words but i'm going to try so here goes.  On the inside I almost hate my mother and grandmother.  They irritate and piss me off.  My mom has no real job because of her bankruptcy and credit.  My mother holds me back from moving out by manipulating me mentally (atleast in my opinion).  I am hoping to get this bank teller job nearby and I mentioned that once I do and save up some money I am going to move out.  she says something like this "oh thats nice of you to leave and not help here".  Thats not verbatim but I can't remember it exactly.  Anyway isn't that a bit selfish and hurtfull?  To persuade me to stay out of guilt?  I'm about to explode, i'd love to just punch her in the face (not that I would I just feel that way). 

I tried to leave twice, once when I joined the navy only to be discharged and returned home.  And another a few months ago when I left to live with my dad.  Both times she cried her eyes out because they felt I betrayed them.  I just want to live on my own.  I understand that living in atlanta is expensive but still I do not want to live here.  It's toxic and mentally unhealthy as well as generally unhealthy. 

I just don't know what to do, I feel manipulated so much and i've been so full of anger i've wanted to blow my head off just to spite them.   Here is an example of how I feel I have been manipulated.  My grandmother used to have a little lovebird here until it died.  Now I am no fan of pets.  This bird had pretty much free reign in the house.  It would go anywhere it pleased.  I know alot of people have pets but I think its disgusting when it poo's in the house.  Birds are different then cats or dogs when they poo since they can fly (arial poo).  

Now my grandmother didn't force it to live in a cage, instead it would live in the kitchen cabinet right above the sink.   The kitchen is the worst place to let a pet live and I had pretty much no say so.  There was numerous times my grandmother would make us food and I swear I have seen bird poo on some of my food.  When I confronted her about it do you know what she said?  "Oh thats just seasoning".  SEASONING?!?!?  how freaking ignorant.  Wouldn't any of you feel a bit lied to and atleast a tad bit upset?  Am I wrong for the way I feel?

So if you could please answer me this question.  Shouldn't I being a 23 year old male be living on my own taking care of myself?  I really hope to get this job and once I do i'm going to work first toward getting my own car and moving out.  I am not in college at the moment but I am going to go whether it be a tech school or what I am going to go.  If any of you have real solid advice and guidance as to what I should do please reply.  I am lost but I really want to get out of here.

ewwwwww.... seasoning?

your family sounds absolutely charming.  do whatever you can to get out of there.  tell your mom that if she wants to be taken care of to get off the couch, lose a few pounds and find a man to do it, because it's time for you to move on with your life.  i think dr phil says that the only relationship that should grow toward separation is the parent/child relationship.

consider why your father may have left, was your mom making him work as well as take caqre of the house... sounds like it.  she needs to pull her own weight.

at 23 i think you are still young enough to get into job corps, if you have no other options....

good luck, pack up your cojones and vamoose

well actually my dad didn't leave at all, it as my mom.  I didn't get into detail about my dad really.  My dad was one of those rebellious biker gang guys and my mom started getting causious and left when she was pregnant with me at the age of I think 18 or so.  I went up to my dads to live a few months ago and he's more supportive for me moving out and stuff but his lifestyle is something I can't stand.  He's 50 or so years old and somehow is able to get girls younger then me, he's not attractive I think they were prostitutes lol.  I don't really feel comfortable living in his house while he is like that so I had to come back.  There is more to it then just that but thats part of it.

anyway I am and do intend to move out as fast as I can.  I hope to get this job that pays about $11 an hour plus benefits as a full time teller but will that be good enough to get an apartment with?  Or will I need to get a room mate which i'm willing to do.

I would go into more detail about my life but it would take me a long time since it is complicated.  I have tried counceling before when I had my own medical insurance but it always seems hard to explain everything .  I guess i'm just too stressed out from being here.

if he's only home 40 days a year, why did she need to leave her house in the first place?  what difference does it make if he's never there anyway?

incidentally, what is she doing with her time while she is living with you?  does she have a job or something, please tell me you are not completely supporting her...

when i got married my parents made it clear to me that making a marriage work is a full time job in itself, see i've always been one to do things on a whim, poor impulse control... lol.  and if your daughter is cheating, it doesn't seem to me like she's putting forth the necessarry effort to make it work... and that, to me, is lazy.

you probably had reasons that were valid in your mind to tell him about the affair, but realistically, it was not your place.  water under the bridge, however.

does she have a clear plan on how to move forward with her life after the marriage is over, or is this situation indefinate?  because if it is, you are enabling her to be LAZY and DEPENDENT on you for an indeterminate amount of time and that is not good for either one of you...

hey i did some digging through some real estate and in atlanta, i found at the Holiday Apartments, they have a move in special where your first month's rent is only $199.  after that it's around $479/month for a 1 bedroom and $572 for the 2 bedroom, the public transportation also stops on the property and it comes complete with all the appliances, which at 23, i'm pretty sure you don't have.

at $11/hr working full time, after taxes you should yeild about $1232/month.  Depending on your style of living and bills etc. you can decide about a roommate.  After rent, if you decide not to have a roommate, you'll have about $753/month.  You also have utilities (i forgot to check which amenities were included in the rent) etc. so it's really up to you.

I would recommend a roomie, if there is someone you trust in the area.

again, good luck to you

Chris, I can't see any good reason for you to be living with your mother and grandmother.  I know someone like them and I see what this person did to a relative (child/grandchild) and it's not pretty.  Living in filth is just part of it.  The other part is lack of boundaries; this person has no privacy or rights.  Also, she has been groomed to be financially dependent and discouraged as far as schooling and jobs go.  The comments from your mom are the same ones she has been listening to for years.  She will never leave now.  I would hate to see you in the same situation.  Get out while you can. 

Be sure to go talk to the colleges.  The community colleges usually have free or low-cost classes and/or counseling to help you choose a major.  Also, apply for financial aid soon; the applications come out in a few weeks for the next school year.  If you take too long, the money will be gone.  There might be on-campus jobs, whether you qualify for financial aid or not--or off-campus jobs. 

Do you have any idea what kind of work you want to do?  Have you been able to work at all or does your mother keep you too busy?  Do you support them?  Can they support themselves?

If you have an e-mail listed and you want more ideas, let me know.  I would be happy to encourage you to get into a healthier situation. 

Oh, can you get to counseling at all?  It might help to get you through the guilt trips your mother is bound to put you through.

Good luck!!