Topic : Adult Children Living at Home

it amazes me how parents don't realize the incredible damage they do by over loving, over indulging and keeping the 'bottle' stuck in their childrens mouth. what really makes me crazy, is that they live at home and don't contribute to house hold finances.  AND, still expect for mom and dad to take care of them.  to top it off, instead of bringing home a stray animal, they bring in a stray person.  i am so tired of people my age saying how hard it is for their adult children to pay rent here in nyc.  listen, if it's so expensive here, go move to wisconsin. ( no offense Wisconsinites)  life isn't fair and it requires something called hard work.  too bad your sister doesn't get it.  when i realized my oldest "child" was becoming a moocher, and that college was my dream and not his reality, i knew i had to shove him out of my nest.  here's a little tip for you.  he was told his household contribution to our home would be 400 a month. (that would only cover my gas and electric bill)  on the first of every month i would be on him like white on rice, pay up sonny boy.  he hated me and thought i was so unfair. after all, i was obligated to take care of him forever, god said so. every month, i would put on my ninja outfit and pursue him for 'the rent money'.  the battles were not fun.  he would call me cruel-la.  but little did he know, i opened a bank account and  put every penny he gave me in this account. within a year, "i" had saved enough money for him to move out. he was only 23 but i knew it was time for him fly my coop.  i saw what my mother had done to my sister and i didn't want to do that to him. he's now 28, living on his own and is doing okay. he tried coming back a few times but i changed the locks and threw on a disguise .  and now i start working on the next kid, my daughter who turns 23 in a month.  gotta go up in the attic and get the ninja outfit ready.  oh well.... any way, you stay strong.  i know how frustrating it can be to see moocher ism live and uncut.  a moocher is a moocher, they do it because they can.  wouldn't it be great if they had a boot camp for adult moochers children.  let's see. they would have to work 2 jobs and give one income back to charity. make a 7 course meal every night from scratch, kraft mac n cheese doesn't count. they would have to clean the house including the inside of all closets daily with a little toothbrush.  they would have to get up take their kid to school, pick them up dedicate all the time necessary to their well being, make dinner, do household chores and be available to every little detail in life. oops, sorry, i started talking about the life i live and I'm sure you do to.  you know what? life is like a box of chocolate. you stick you finger in each one to find the one you like the best.  so stay strong girlfriend.  if you get really ticked off, take a chocolate and throw it at your niece.  stupid-itis is definitely not a disease you want to catch. now that box of chocolate, doesn't that sound so much nicer.  peace out

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About a month ago my husband and I let my step-daughter that is 19 move back in with us (she has gone from her mother to boyfriend and to us for the past 2 years) she has been in trouble with the law and has also been a stripper before she came here to live.  She came here over a month ago and thankfully she has gotten a job (a very nice one at that)  anyways now that she is an adult are there still rules and regulations that she needs to follow while she is under our roof? How long do we allow her to stay to "get on her feet"? Do we charge her any rent? We have arranged for her to have a car, do we continue to help by paying her insurance? Do we allow her to eat our groceries or do we make her buy her own? Does she help pay bills? I have so many questions and would really like to have some help.

hello. and what does her daddy say??  it's nice of you that you to you found it in your heart to welcome this young lady into your home.  sounds to me maybe some issues there for her growing up.  don't label her for her past. it seems she has made strides in her life.  as for the adult part, finished with school, working full time job, it does not mean they have reached adulthood yet.  the world of a 19 year today is so very different than that of a 19 year old 30 years ago. as to regards to the financial aspect of your home, she should contribute to the expenses, and i don't mean giving her a bill to pay. rather,  ask that a portion of her wages be added to the household pot.  and keep it to a minimum amount. regarding food, and "your groceries" would you like to live a home where food is labeled with your name. be real, it's a home not a college dorm. nor should it be a hotel. regarding the car insurance, yes, it should be her bill to foot. it was nice that you guys arranged for a car. don't make life into  continuing childhood. help her ease into it, but don't make it easy. life is not always easy and you nor her dad according to the laws of nature will outlive her, you will not always be there to soften her fall.  if you want to help her take the next step, take her money she contributes to the home, save it in a bank account and accumulate a savings account for her. if things don't work out, she will have money to move on to an independent life.  and when she decides to make her own home she will appreciate the help you gave her. as to the rules, be realistic. expect her to keep her space clean, and help in the common areas of the home.  at 19, the house is always clean enough.  think of your home as a democracy that must serve everyone within.  the bill of rights has been changed to serve a changing world. in closing, the best advice i can give you as a mom of adult children, is to respect their boundaries, treat them as adults, the golden rule does work here. and she is a woman in the making. your influence as a woman of experience can be of great help to her. good luck to you. and don't forget to breath. time will fly.

Hi~I am divorced and have 3 children.  My 2 daughters are in college and it's me and my 14 year old son now at home.  I started dating a wonderful gentlemen about 1 year ago.  He has 2 sons, one is almost 19 and the other is 21.  The 19 year old lives every other week with his dad and the 21 year old lives with his mother.  You are probably already starting to see where I am going with this.  We have had just a wonderful fun year together, really enjoying each other and learning about each other.  Well, recently we have started discussing some long-term plans about spending our futures together.   I love this man dearly... however, I have some real concerns about his sons.  The 19 year old that lives with him every other week and has not graduated from high school, has no job, and smokes.  The 21 one year old living with his mother graduated from high school, has a job, but he smokes too.  I am nurse and smoking is just not healthy, but I understand it's a choice, but I don't want anyone smoking in or near our home.  He seemed to handle that  one well.  Well, the thing that really got my goat was that the 19-year old told his father he needed new tires on his car (which is his father's) so my boyfriend who works over 60 hours a week went out and bought him new tires.  I was livid!  I stewed and stewed for a few days over whether it was my business to say something or not.  He works so hard and the 19 year old is not doing anything, so I kinda' let it rip last night the best way I knew how.  Needless to say, it didn't go over very well.  There has been several incidents like this that have happend in the past and if we are talking about our futures together I decided it was my business.  I honestly have tried really hard to get my children out on their own and to be accountable and responsible.  And, my children aren't perfect either, but I have always been good about lighting a fire under their butts!  During the course of this conversation that turned really sour my boyfriend said that he didn't want to take away to much from his children (ADULT) because he was afraid he would alienate them and then they wouldn't come over to his house anymore.  Plus, apparently the ex is wacky and he HAS to be there for them.  I tried to be supportive and went through the whole thing about do you want to be a good role model and parent or do you want to be their friend...etc.  This has been our first so-called fight and I am very sad.  Sad because I went home crying and he went home pissed plus I forget  my doggy bag at the restaurant and I am not sure if I can live with children that don't seem to be motivated to do anything.  It's not the end of the world, but it can sure make things pretty uncomforable for me.  Is it my business?  Do you think these adult children will ever be motivated to move on with their lives?  Is my boyfriend and his ex playing the game of who can be the best parent?  Do you think my boyfriend is not emotionally available and still living in the past?  He says he's not.  Should I stay in this relationship or call it quits?  The more and more I write the more confused I feel and the more things sound so screwed up to me.  I am starting to feel like I am in the middle of something I shouldn't be.  So much for making a long story short.  Thanks for reading and listening.  Any thoughts would surely be appreciated.