Topic : Adult Children Living at Home

I too have grown daughters living at home. Partly due to necissity and partly due to laziness. One is 27 years old and the other one is 25 years old. The 25 year old has 3 little boys whom I also support. She got involved with a man when she was 16. She got pregnant and had a little boy when she was 17. When the baby was 3 months old (he was 9 weeks early) she married this idiot. He was an illegal immigrant. When the baby was 10 months old he dumped them on my doorstep. She continued to mess around with him and got pregnant again and had a miscarriage. She got pregnant again and had another little boy (born 5 weeks early). He denied this one was his. She filed child support and he took off. She got involved with another illegal immigrant and got pregnant again, had another little boy (full term this time). This man was violent and abused her. We had to file a restraining order on him. He come down there drunk and demanded that she hand over the baby. In the process of them arguing he struck the baby so they charged him with assault on a child under the age of 12.  She filed cilld support on him and he took off.

What really makes me mad is the older boys dad. He came back to town then when the police started hunting him he ran again, telling the boys (ages 7 and 4) that he wasnt coming back this time. They have been through so much in their short lives. I cant just throw them out. She is living there due to health problems. She has filed for disability.

My other daughter is part lazy and part health problems. She has very low self esteem. Of course she has also been involved with illegal immigrants. Her last boyfrien got sent back to honduras. I have a diary on Dr Phil, makes for interesting reading. It tells some of the crap I have put up with just in the last year. It is too long a story to repeat here.

I am also supporting my 12 year old neice. I have had her since she was a day old. My sister is a big time druggie and didnt want her after she found out she was mixed. She has 3 other kids, twins my mom has mostly raised and a 3 year old whom she lost custody of when she went to prison the last time.

My brother just recently moved in because he had nowhere else to go. He is also a druggie. 

So yea I do know what it is like to have adult moochers in the home. I also know for myself how hard it is to get rid of them. The grandkids and neice are not at fault and I would never boot them out.

Life is hard especially when you have no self esteem and you do things all your life hoping you will be loved and accepted for what  you are. I have been through so much abuse. It affects every thing you do and every decision you make.

I'm so stressed out.  My 25 year old son moved back home here a year ago.  He agreed when we went to Florida to get him that he would agree to all the rules of moving back home.  He had lived in Florida since he was 20 (his dad lived down there).  He was hanging around with a bad crowd there and that's why he said he wanted to come back to NC.  When he first got here he got a job and stuck to the rules.  I was letting him use my car.  He went thru about 3 jobs (his temper gets him in trouble).  I finally told him he had to get a car of his own so he did buy a truck at a buy here pay here place.  He was working full-time when he bought the truck.  He quit that job because he said it cost to much in gas traveling back and forth (round trip was 32 miles).  Now he is working 2 nights a week at the  local grocery store here in our town.  I keep telling him he needs to find another job as you can't survive on 2 days a week, pay his truck payment, gas, cigarettes and whatever.  He goes to his friends all day long, comes home around 1am and wants to cook something to eat, not do his dishes and then goes to bed.  Sleeps till noon or later.  He will take out the trash after I ask him to do it but won't do anything on his own.  His room that was spotless when he moved back home looks like a tornado went thru.  He has a bad attidude most of the time and I'm sick of it.  He always is asking if he can borrow money for gas or cigarettes and sounds like a broken record.  I have given in so he will shut up and he says he is going to pay me back, but of course that never happens.  I have now cut him off with money.  I just can't do it anymore.  I want him out so I can have peace of mind once again.  I feel like I have a 13 year old back home again.  I do have another daughter who is 21 and still home.  She works everyday, pays her bills, pays rent and she is looking for a place of her own to move into hopefully soon.

When I tell him he is going to be asked to leave he gets this awful attitude and says what about his sister.  I tell him to worry about himself, not her.

Thanks for letting me vent.

My husband's son has lived with us for almost 5 years now.  The only jobs he's had are the ones my husband has gotten for him.  He pays no rent, utilities, food, or anything else for this household.  Last year, this man grossed $65k.  He didn't pay any of his taxes, so now he's in trouble with the Feds and the State.  We found out yesterday that he's also overdrawn at his bank.

My husband is old enough to retire, and I still have a way to go.  We have no life insurance, and I will be in my 70's before our mortgage is paid off.  I have 3 grown children of my own who my husband used to help out in emergencies (usually involving our grandchildren), but my husband told me last fall that we can't afford to do it any more, and we haven't.

Aside from the privacy issues and my resentment at having to cook, serve and clean up after my stepson, I worry about how much money he costs us having him here.

This morning, without even mentioning it to me, my husband wrote his son a check for $500.00.  I saw the check laying on the breakfast table when I was retrieving my stepson's coffee cup to wash it for him as usual.  When I tried to discuss it with my husband, he got angry and stormed out of the house. 

This 42 year old has lived here for 5 years!!  He has a grandchild of his own, and another on the way.  How do I go about getting my husband to see that we need to start enabling his son to stand on his own two feet.  I'm ready to storm out of the house myself.

Thanks for any input.

I like the sound of using the vaidation method.  I have tried to engage my husband in conversations about this in the past, but I've done it more from a position of fear of sounding like a nag or feeling as if I'm forcing my husband to make a decision he doesn't know how to make.  Your way sounds like a good way to get that conversation going without making anyone feel bad.

I can see that my husband doesn't feel good about us supporting his son, but I also sense that he isn't sure how to ask his son to be more responsible.

One day I mentioned to my stepson that I knew of someone who was looking for a roommate, and his reply was "I'm not ready to be on my own".  I knew then that this was going to be a problem.

When he first moved in, he had just gone through a bankruptcy and really needed some time to rebuild his coffers.  We've given him every opportunity, but he just squandered his earnings and now that he's having tax troubles he's really worse off than ever. 

I did finally tell my husband today that for his son's own good we should consider charging him for his living expenses.  I suggested that we save that money for him since he seems unable to save it for himself.  Then perhaps we can give him a time limit and give him the money we've been saving for him to use as security deposits for a rental and utilities.  I got the distinct impression that my husband is reluctant to be the one to even suggest it to his son, though he didn't actually dismiss the idea. 

It sure feels like a big mess to me, but thanks for the suggestion.  It will make a great starting point.

I am new to this message board, but felt I needed to give it a shot.  I have been dating the most wonderful guy for now almost two and half years.  When we first met, he told me he was still living at home at age 38 (yes, I know, age 38).  He had been out of the house in his twenties, but returned when he was about 30.  He led me to believe he had to get things "straightened out" and that I needed to be patient with him.

At any rate, he is everything I could ever want in someone in terms of loyalty, love, kindness, dependable, etc.  He treats me so well.  However, I am having a big issue with the lack of financial responsibility he has had in his life.  I am a self employed, hard working, professional, own my own house, car, have planned for retirement, etc.  I have a good history of credit, etc.  I have been financially responsible. 

I am questioning now if it is time to move on because he does not and has not gotten his act together.  We have talked about marriage, but how can I expect someone to be dependable if he what seems, can't take care of himself?  Here is where the dilemma comes in?  He knows he needs to get help for depression and feeling better about himself...and has taken the first step and made a phone call to see someone.  But, is that enough?  I would have thought if he really thought there was a future, he would have taken steps to start this sooner than later.  UHHHGGGG...it is tough because he is such a great guy, but I am starting to resent the fact of our differences in our financial responsibilities,etc and of course living at home.  I have been on my own since college.  I am very understanding in that we all go through our rough patches, but 10 years living at home?  When do I draw the line?  Am I crazy?  Obviously this would have been a much easier decision if he wasn't a great person.  He has the biggest heart in the world, but if someone can't seem to make it on their own, what chance is there for us?  This didn't matter as much earlier in the relationship, but now it does.  I am 36 and he is 40...we both have never been married.  Sorry to write so much, but my situation seems so unique.  I am hoping to hear from others on any advice if you have been down this road...am a bad person for feeling resentful?  I told him I would support him emotionally if he chose to get help, but if someone does not choose to get themself on track and get better, where does that leave me?  Please give me your input.  Thanks!