Quote From: lynnebrown1465 I know you are trying to set a standard in being normal to your family. But in their eyes you are posh, you have all the nice things and they think its been easy for you and your husband to get. Just think if you were them and finding it difficult to pay the bills without making enough to have a nice car or house.
Sometimes things that are everyday to you and you feel you want to share with them may be over the top. Not that you want to make them feel that way. Its just what it is.
The holiday season is coming up. Why dont you try and visit your family on a surprise visit, take some home made christmas cake, a fruit plater - try to be normal and not over the top, it could be taken out of zest that you only brought something so expensive because you can afford it and want to share it. To them it makes them feel not perfect as you would like.
The fact of the matter is maybe if you help out handing out christmas presents to the widowed families this year you will know that the simple things in life are free and sometimes its easy for some and harder for others.
At the end of the day i think it is important to put everything aside and give you child his grandmother and cousins he deserves visit at grandmar's house only.
good luck.
Thanks to everyone for your replies, it put a different perspective on things. I have been just living my life, trying to do my best. I saw my siblings as people that shared a common bond with me because of our upbringing, not a relationship based our bank account balances. I always had the belief that if a family member was doing good it elevated all the rest of the family members as well. But, I guess in a disfunctional family it doesn't work that way. (And until you identify your family as disfunctional, you think its normal and beat yourself up trying to make sense of it all.)
I now see that you have to treat family members as you would if you were meeting a total stranger. I have unknowingly made the mistake of giving them carte blanche into my life without seeing if they were trustworthy. I appreciate all of your suggestions and your perspective. As you suggested, we have for 4 years, made the effort not to dressup or bring extravagant gifts to family gatherings nor be in-your-face,over the top, but we are still not accepted.
This is a continuing saga and a daily struggle. Everytime I make contact with any of them it seems to be a negative outcome.(They will be real nice when they want information or something, then when they get it, they lash out and you are nothing to them again....until next time)
I will say, the book "Toxic Parents" is a must read! It has helped me tremendously. Lately, each time there has been an emotional upheaval with them it has taken me less time to get over it. I am able to set boundries with myself to limit contact with them. And even though I live minutes from each of them, (and my Mom still tries to make me feel guilty), I now know, I need to have a life totally without them and not feel guilty about it. It will be an issue I deal with for the rest of my life and a daily struggle, but it should lessen with help and time.
Some of the questions I still have to answer for myself are:
Why do I keep going back for more abuse? Why can't I disengage from these people and get on with my life? (I had no problem doing this when I lived away, but why not now?) The answer is probably rooted in those core beliefs I learned as a child and still believe in, but haven't yet challenged. I hope we all can find our path to a healthier self. I am certainly going to continue fighting for my sake, and my husband and childs sake. Thank you all for being supportive and listening.
