I'm the youngest of three children. 27, 26, and 25. My sister is 1 yr older than me and growing up we were really close. My brother and I fought constantly. He always picked on me. I hated him when we were kids but now we're on good terms.
I am pretty close to my mom but she treats me different than my siblings. when we all lived away from home, my mom would clean the house when my brother or sister visited, but never when i did (and it'd be just as often). I brushed it aside but part of me felt like this was a way mom saying it didn't matter that i was visiting. And in a weird way, my mom tries to be cool for my sister, and now, my brother's fiance. if we see a movie together or i happen to see a tv show we both like, we'll talk about it comfortably. But when my sister or my brother's fiance mention it, she trashes the show or movie calling it stupid. I can never quite figure out why she does this...but it's an obvious sign that she seems to care more about what they think of her...not sure if that's good or bad.
I have always, since before I could remember, felt like a blacksheep of the family. My brother and sister were always athletic, and I wasn't so much. I used to swim until my chronic ear infections just got to the point i needed surgery...then i stopped because my ears were even more sensitive after that. I got into tennis but since I was the only one in the family to like it, my parents didn't see the point in paying for the lessons since it was expensive...i tried other things but they didn't last. I just didn't LOVE sports. I know this was probably where my dad and I started to disconnect...if we ever had been close to start with. He always helped my brother with his baseball and my sister with her soccer. My interests were on the more artistic side. I was put into a class once, during the weekend but after that, nothing happened. I asked my dad once to teach me Kung Fu since he taught it but he said no...don't know why.
I always remember being dragged to baseball and soccer games, where both parents would show up. I was on the basketball team in gr. 5 and only remember 2 games my dad showed up, and about 5 or 6 where my mom did. In gr. 8 i was on the baseball team (I always did want to learn but no one wanted to teach me, including my dad). One of the big games was a double-header (two games back to back) and i came right out and asked my parents to come. They were working but mom made it to the last game but missed me playing, and dad didn't come at all. Said he forgot. Our team got to the semi-finals and we played in the city's stadium. It was really important to me but neither parent showed up. I was the second last batter, and i got two people on my team to land on home plate. The next batter came up and we won the game, and got medals and everything. I was crushed my parents weren't there.
I thought i got over all of this, but the past few years I've seen more and more of my parents favouring my brother and sister and it just brings back memories. In high school, then again a couple years ago, my sister became seriously ill (she's healthy now). For most of the year when i was 15, it was me and my brother home alone, taking care of ourselves while my parents were at the hospital with her. I didn't feel jealous about that but i had a lot of friends helping me through it. but every time after all of that, my sister could do no wrong...which i suppose is understandable for a little while...i just didn't think it'd last the rest of her life.
Two years ago when my sis got sick, I was just out of college and dealing with a lot of problems finding work. I had a degree, and some experience but no one wanted to hire me. I was living with some room mates, away from home, and now that I look back on it I think I was depressed (only after I found out she was sick...which was 4 days b/4 xmas). My dad started getting on my case, getting mad and acting like i purposely wasn't looking for work...he didn't let up and didn't understand that it was like kicking me while i was down. So I eventually got a job but it wasn't great pay...still i saved every penny. 3 days after I was on the job, my dad started grilling me about finding a 'better' job. Apparently it didn't matter that my pay was only 2 dollars less than what my brother was making. My dad was 'proud' of him.
I worked at that job for several months, then it went bust. the whole company when out of business without any notice...again, right before xmas of last year. I was living at home at the time, preparing to move into an apartment (setting money aside and all that) when I lost my job. I came home and told my dad what happened. The first thing he says is "I knew that would happen." I was sooo angry after that. I mentioned it at one point to my mom and she lectured my dad. He apologized but I knew him better than that. He was only doing it because my mom was bugging him...because I was obviously upset when i talked to him. Ever since, I get the feeling my dad has resented me.
I've worked odd jobs to make some money, I don't pay rent but I clean around the house all the time, shovel when it snows, etc. If I go out, I do something that doesn't require money, like hanging out at a friend's...i STILL have money from working last year while I search for a more permanent job. My dad's always on my case about a job and all of that...he's told me he's 'disappointed' in me and so on.
My dad's a good guy but he's very critical. None of me, my brother, or my sister want to disappoint him but he's an overachiever and he constantly says things like "I did this, and this, and this, and i still managed to work 9 hours a day."
There are many other ways I'm the blacksheep. Firstly, I hit puberty at age 11 and the first thing it did was make my weight fluctuate like crazy even if i didn't eat any junk food. during one of the 'heavy' times my dad actually told me no one would like me unless i lost weight. I was crying and everything...he never apologized. When my sis got sick the first time, even though I was so out of it i skipped meals occasionally, the stress caused me to gain weight...once she got better my weight stayed but i never gained anymore weight. First year of university, i lost some weight, then when my sis got sick again, i gained a LOT more. I spent a lot of the tiem in the hospital with her, where the only food served was pizza (gee can you guess why I gained weight?). After that, my dad constantly talks of me being 'healthy' and eating properly. I do eat healthy...all the time but since I'm not jogging six miles a day, if i lose weight, its only a pound here or there and he can't see that.
Growing up, I've always had good grades, B's or A's. I hit high school and I kept that relatively the same (with the exception of math and French classes). Get to university and my grades were about C+ average straight through...even though I tried my best, pulled back to back all nighters, etc. It never seemed to be enough for my dad. Sometimes he'd talk about taking courses over again.
My brother and sister were generally C's-B's for their grades from elementary (grammar) school through college. They rarely got any slack from my dad. I know he didn't expect as much academically from them, which i feel bad for, but he shouldn't have put all that pressure on me. I nearly had a breakdown during my third year at college because I hadn't slept in 3 months, trying to pull my grades up. After that, I just stopped fussing so much. I'd try my best but didn't obsess. This was around the time my dad started to adopt the idea that I didn't care about anything. he saw me having fun and thought I should be working more. He has never ever treated my brother or sister this way.
Also, my dad is one of those people that have to see something to believe it. I lived right by my high school and i'd hang out with friends after school for a few hours, come home around six or seven, and turn on the tv. Ten minutes later, dad would get in and accuse me of watching tv since school let out...and he'd tell me (in a 'nice' way) to make more friends. he never listened when i told him i had just been out. Of course to him, it had to be a lie since my brother and sister were still out with their friends. He also used to accuse me of being anti-social, which just wasn't true. I had a few large group of friends but I just never went out every night like my brother or sister did, and some of my friends had strict traditional Asian families that refused to let them go out during the school week...they had to study.
I've always been the one to end a relationship if it was toxic, to stand up for myself, and to take things in stride. I never (unless you count this post) dwell on the past but lately I feel as though I'm trapped. My finances aren't good enough to move out on my own so i'm stuck here with the parents.
My dad has always had double standards for my brother since he's the boy, and he could never go wrong. Even when my brother was on pot and smoking, my dad was working so much he never noticed...but to him, my brother was a saint. my mom is more like that with my sister. Lately I've noticed all of this still going on...probably because it's family time I just notice it more...anyways, even the little things are noticeable...like when my dad lectures me about dropping food on the couch (which i didn't) so i had to eat over the table...my sister, the very next day eats the same thing, an xmas cookie, on the couch, with no plate, and my dad looks right at her but says nothing. I know it sounds petty and like i'm whining, but I was just wondering how much of this stuff had gone on since we were little. We probably picked up on all of this long ago...
As of the past few months, my brother got engaged, and so did my sister. They had both been dating their finaces for 7 years. This is another thing because I haven't had any 'serious' relationships. I'm still young but my dad actually has made comments like "so when are you going to find someone?" My sister was insulted by that just hearing it...we tried to laugh about it.
Because of all of this, I am really starting to resent my father. My mom hasn't been nearly as bad but sometimes I wonder why she treats me differently.
