Topic : Infidelity

Much depends on your current situation, and you don't say much about that.

Have you explored Dr Phil's Relationships/Sex board? Scroll to the bottom and click on it. There are links to various shows etc where he answers the very questions you are asking.

My new husband of 7 mos can not control is need to check women out. I understand looking briefly when a good looking person walks by but he will continue to engage these women. Looking at their butts, even slowing the truck down to gawk. I have talked to him until I can not talk any more. I have seen our Pastor about this. There were warning signs that I ignored. I was recently widowed when I met him. The relationship moved so fast. I felt alive for the first time in years. I though God had finally given me a gift. He is 12 years younger than me. It would be one thing if he looked at women my age with my body type. But he only gawks at young thin pretty women. Is this infidelity? There are things he has done that I have a hard time forgiving. The more it happens the less I love him.  I have pleaded for him to stop and show respect for me when I am with him. It is to the point that I hate going any where with him. Movies, church, dinner, even grocery shopping. Is he a cheat, a con, or a sex addict? I am confused. Would seeing a therapist help him , and help me?  Is it worth it? I dont think he will ever completely change. On top of it all, he brought his 17 yr old son that has Aspergers. All of this is just so overwhelming. I am still dealing with grief and PTS from my husband of 25 years death. My kids and family have not liked him from the start. Yikes! am I just a stupid woman or what?

You are definitely not stupid. You were preyed upon by an opportunist.

This is exactly why therapists and counselors recommend that we don't date for a period of time after a death or a divorce that we didn't want. You were, and still are, in a vulnerable state.

There are people out there that sense vulnerability in others. They prey upon them for their passiveness and compliance. Often they are sweet and attentive to you until you are married. Then, when you begin to recover from the emotional devastation and pick up the threads of your real self again, you find that you are married to somebody you never would have married if you had been in your right mind. Often, they don't like the change to the real you and will disrespect you or abuse you.

You DO have accountability for marrying this guy, but please don't think of yourself as stupid and beat yourself up over it. You made the mistake of making a huge life decision at a time in your life when you should not have, with the coercion of one who did not have your best interests at heart.

You must look at this man with all the clarity and honesty you can muster. Yes, he could really use some counseling on how to be a loving, respecting husband. His ogling other women and the other things he has done that you can't forgive are only the beginning. If he refuses to get help, or thinks he doesn't need it, you have your answer.

Yes, I did something like this when I was much younger. I cheated on my boyfriend that I lived with out of revenge when I found out he had cheated on me. The consequence was that I forgave him long before I could forgive myself. Our relationship was never the same.

I think you should both get some counseling, as there are emotions and thoughts that each of you have  that are going to fester over time. If you want to get past this and be stronger in your marriage, counseling will save you much time and heartache.

For instance, are you sure that your husband hasn't been eaten alive with guilt over the last 4 years, and now is thinking "hey, I'm not so bad, she did the same thing I did. I guess everybody cheats on each other sooner or later." Or, he could be thinking something else. Counseling can help to get all those unspoken beliefs and biases out so that true communication between you both, and clear intentions for the future are understood.

Counseling can also help you to get past your self hate. This was perhaps the worst thing that happened to me, and took me years to resolve as I didn't get help when I should have. I was what I now consider one of the "walking wounded" for years. When you victimize yourself, others will too.

You can get back on the right track, never doubt it, it's never too late unless one of you gives up and says it's over. Before one of you gets to that point, get help. Read books, talk to your clergy or a therapist, find others that have weathered the same storms and ask what they did.

Thank you for sharing your stories . is there really a Dr Phil? i write this man alll the time and get no responce  what does it take to get to him ?? anyone please ????? My world seems to be falling apart  today i asked God to please just take me i hate this world . I hate my life .I am losing it . My husband has now lost his job   took a 90,000 dollar loss in wages from last yr .  we have 7 children our house is going to forclosure next month i want to drink myself to death .I HATE ME. I DONT TRUST HIM I THINK HE HAS MORE TO TELL I WONDER EVERYDAY EVERY NIGHT HE WAS MY WORL I WAS BEATEN MY WHOLE CHILD HOOD SEXUALLY ABUSED MIUSTRETED AND HE WAS MY FIRST PERSON IN MY LIFE I TRUSTED  HOW DID I DO THIS TO HIM . I GAVE HIM MY HEART AND IT IS CRUSHED  WE HAVE DONE COUNSELING IT WASNT GETTING US ANYWHERE SINCE THEN I HAVE ATTEMPTED SUICIDE, DRUNK  SO MANY TIMES AND BLACKED OUT , GOT  MY FIRST DWI AT 35 2 TIMES OVER LEGAL LIMIT . WENT TO A FRIENDS HOUSE PASSED OUT ON BACK PORCH CARRIED TO HER ROOM BY HER HUBBY  TO FIND OUT LATER WE HAD SEX  I HAD A 5TH OF TEQUILLA AND REMEMBER VERY LITTLE . I FELT DIRTY AND IN MY EYES RAPED . I HAVE GAINED 20 POUDS  THIS IS AFTER GASTRIC BYPASS TO RECLAIM MY LIFE . MY KIDS NO LONGER HAVE THE MOM OR DAD THEY HAD NOR DO WE HAVE JOBS I FEEL STUPID, USELESS AND I ABSOULUTLY HATE ME AND MY LIFE . IF I HAD NO KIDS I WOULD GO IN THE BATHROOM AND SHOOT MYSELF I HATE THIS WORLD AND I HATE THIS LIFE MY HEAD DONT STOP THE VISIONS WONT STOP. THE GUILT DONT GO AWAY EVERYDAY I FIGHT NOT TO DRINK . AND I HAVENT FOR A FEW DAYS .  I AM BIPOLAR OCD AND  WONT TAKE MEDS THEY MAKE ME SICK CAN SOMEONE PLEASE HELP

Take some deep breaths, immediately and regularly.

I'm very sorry this is happening to you.

Accept that you are facing a life crisis of the sort that may change you and your family forever. Accept that in the past, both you and your husband faced difficulties with giving in to  infidelity and substance abuse.

You are being faced with a bigger difficulty at this time. Will you fall apart and succumb to the same sorts of  behavior that helped you feel temporarily better about yourself, or will you stay strong and be the people your seven children need you to be?

I am not on Dr Phil's staff, I have no control over who he chooses to be on his show. But I can tell you that even if he decides to respond to your emails, you are still responsible for your behavior and outcomes.

That means that instead of thinking about how bad your situation is, (and I know it's bad) you must start thinking about how bad it will be for your children if you and your husband go off the deep end. You must begin thinking of solutions, not getting mired in self-pity.

None of your children asked to be born, and they arrived here with you both as parents. They are completely dependent upon you two and the attitudes you both decide to take.

Before your home is foreclosed upon, make sure you investigate every avenue towards keeping it. You are certainly entitled to some of the bailout in my opinion. You cannot effectively investigate avenues of help if you are drunk or wasting your time, energies, and attentions on another affair. You are also not effective if you are manic or depressive. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get to the doctor if you need your meds adjusted!

Look, I know and empathize with you. You must absolutely reach as far down in your soul as you can and come up with some strength for the sake of your children. They need you like never before.

Self medicating your self-hate is a luxury you're going to have to stall for now. If you really want to stop hating yourself, you're going to have to require more of yourself, and begin immediately.