Topic : Infidelity

To say that your affair did less damage, hurt less or didn't count as much as your husband's is ridiculous.  Both of you broke your wedding vows, caused severe damage to your marriage and made the choice to step outside of the marriage to seek instant gratification elsewhere instead of doing the "right" thing.  You were completely in the dark as was he!  You both shared your bodies and emotions with another person behind eachother's back.  So to answer your question was one affair worse than the other? NO.

Instead of wasting your energy and anger on who was more wrong concentrate on finding out why both of you decided to cheat on eachother and start fixing what was and is wrong with your marriage, it's a whole lot more constructive.  Did it ever occur to you that since you had the affair first (which means you created this cycle) he gave himself permission to do exactly what you did to him?  I'm sure he was just as hurt when he found out you had an affair.  Two wrongs never make a right.

I have posted recently and in the past to the Reignting Your Relationship but maybe I need to seek advice under this topic too. Here is my recent story and post: Married 12 years, relationship 15 years.

My wife has gone back to hinting about having a fling and looking for sex outside the marriage that some might say is girl talk but I found it troubling because it is so often and more blatant than her friends from what I can see. 1) After hearing about a friends co-worker had an affair with a country club tennis pro who was 10 yrs younger, she said "what club, I should check him out to see what I am missing" 2) after 20 year high school reunion, she has tried to start a dialogue with a old aquaintance who was not an old boyfriend. I know reunions bring on a lot of desire to be young again an re-experience old love, but this seems to be more that she feels she missed out on not being with him. After a few email exchanges she always writes to her friends that maybe she needs to go back NJ on her own for a visit to meet this guy. I think he is also married. His responses although encouraging to her do not seem flirty, but I am sure that having my attracted wife interested in contacting him has made him curious too. 3) She and her friends keep planning revisit re-unions. My wife did not attempt to take her own trip for the last one, but know she has though about going to one this summer and has not said anything to me. I over-heard another friend talk about it. and 4) This is the one that has bothered me the most now. On emails about her annual girls weekend to South Beach she has indicated that she needs a fling with not a haha but just a smile face. Isn't that being too much? The exchange was that her one (now recently widowed) friend who has been guy crazy and hooking up a lot wrote that maybe she would connect with the bartender at the hotel prior to the trip to arrange a fling and maybe get free drinks for all. The called it Recession Sex. My wife's response was "BTW, I could use some Recession Sex too". Is this normal? If it so much on her mind can it not eventually happen and damage our marriage? It has already questioned my trust of her? (anyone?)

Does she say these things in your presence, or have you found them all in emails? Does she know that you read her emails? Has she always made jokes like this? You indicate this when you said "my wife has gone back to hinting..."

Are you in the habit of talking this way about flings and other women to your friends? Have you made jokes about having affairs in front of your wife?

Have you ever told her that this sort of talk bothers you, and why it bothers you?

Please understand, I'm not being nosy, I just need some insight as to your relationship. There could be different answers to this.

Hi, I am 24 years old and have been with my wife for going on 6 years. In this time we have had our ups and downs but we get along great. She is 5 years older than me and is starting to worry about turning 30. She has lied to me in the past about things. One example was past due mortgage payments. Anyway, in late December we were sitting on the couch and she asked me to rub her feet. I did and she had the laptop facing away from me. I went to get a drink and looked back and saw a Google mail window on the taskbar. When I asked her about it, she got defensive. She claimed no Gmail window was open. I then asked her to pull up her Gmail account. She hesitated for 40 minutes and said I don't trust her. She finally pulled it up and at the top of the page was a very intimate username. She claimed it wasn't hers and she had no idea whose it was. The account was auto-signed in from when she accessed it earlier. A month passed and I have been repressing this feeling that she is cheating. Yesterday I went back to Gmail and typed her username and clicked forgot password. The secret message to reset password was "What is my papi's last name?" I typed in my name and it was incorrect. What is going on here? Am I totally losing my mind? Somebody please put this into perspective for me. Thanks.

Max, maybe "papi" refers to her father?

Aside from that though, all indications are that she is hiding something from you. Otherwise why would she hesitate to let you see her account?

What she is hiding is another question. It could be an account that she shares with friends, say to plan a secret birthday party for you. However, you said the user name was an "intimate" one. By this, I'm guessing you mean it has sexual connotations, am I correct? She probably wouldn't use a name like that with friends and family would she?

All in all, I think it rather brazen to be communicating with somebody else while you're giving her a foot rub.

Over the last year, things and hints have been in my presence and I have found more blatant items in emails. In presence she has not only stated things in my last post but also made hints on being attracted to other men (like at the car wash) and at the pool. That having an affair is bad but its life and people are human. Her widow friend desires big muscle men and if she can relate to it.

On email besides my last post, she has commented on that when her widow friend requested "tall dark and handsome" as a request to a friend out west for a trip, my wife respondes that I will have what she is having. My wife also responded to a message that a summer 1 night hook up with a guy that her friend and my wife met at a bar near us was so good that night that she had to contact him. My wife's reply was maybe I need to go to his gym to see what he is up to. Please understand, I have never bothered to review my wife's email or phone messages before, but this past summer she was cold and mean to me on a daily basis, then she got edgy if I answered her cell phone, which in the past she was thankful that i did, and then she got very private about her own email. She has not always made open jokes like this and been pre-0ccupied with sexual attraction before. Sure, i am not an idiot. i know that she has been this way with her girls, but it got to be more often and open. Add to it that she will sometimes say to me that an elderly woman liked me and that maybe that's for me. I should check it out like its a joke, but say it more than once. (I am 4 years older than my wife at 42 and she has since 40 considered me old, but I have always looked at least 5 years younger if  not more.)

I never have talked or joked about flings or affairs with my friends or in front of my wife. I not even one to comment on attraction to other woman including TV and movies. Recently, since she does this, she seems to encourage me to comment to somehow make her feel we are at the same thought level, but it is not my thing.

Finally, I have never said that it bothers me, but I did last summer openly ask is she having an affair or thinking about having an affair. Her answer was all practical - always with the kids, too much guilt. But none of it was that she would never hurt me or the family that way. She did tell me that at that time she is no longer physically attracted to me and sometimes she feels that at 26 she got married too early. Seems like she feels she missed out on a single life that now her friend has although due to tragic reasons. We got along for a while and got intimate again, but come the holidays and especially on new years she was all depressed to not be with her friends and without any of the husbands. Now since then she has started this talk again. I am ver frustrated as I know I am a good husband and father and as a partner I have always worked with her to adjust my behaviour or actions to improve me and us.