Topic : Infidelity

So I would guess that women decide to get married, or cheat on their husbands because....why exactly?

You don't think dreams, delusions, or homones play a role in our decisions?

 I think that most problems between married couples is the inability to honestly communicate what is truly important to each before they get married. Then, when one or the other doesn't fulfill an important expectation, that went unsaid, by the other, they feel rejected.

Wouldn't you agree that knowing how your partner is going to react to feelings of rejection is an important nugget of information to know before getting married?

How many of us take the time and see our lovers with clarity beforehand, to determine this?

The fact that you have the integrity not to cheat on your husband in the same way that he cheats on you goes to show that you are more mature than he is, and realize that it only compounds the problem. You ARE a level above him in worldly lessons.

But the fact that you put up with it, and harbor anger, sadness, frustration, loss, a sense of superiority and self-righteous condemnation only sentences you to unhappiness.

before your kids take the worst of it by seeing this as Mommy and Daddy getting back together and then having it fall apart down the road.  He hasn't changed, and probably won't.  Do you want to continue to feel this way time after time.  Do you want to have the bottom of your heart fall out, feel stressed, worry about where he is, what he is doing and with whom?  This is what it is, he is what he is... is he right for you, only if you can live with a liar and a cheater and not have it affect you or your kids life.  It takes a desperate woman to want to live with someone who has so little regard for your happiness and your childrens well being.  What is it that Dr P says, "the only thing worse than being unhappy for10 years is being unhappy for 10yrs and a day"!  or this one "kids would rather be from a broken home than live in a broken home".....

You had him out of your life for 2yrs... he didn't learn a thing from why you broke up...obviously.... you just taught him that he can sweet talk you into taking him back and you will put up with this behaviour.  No woman who has any selfworth will live with a man like this... toss him back honey... yhour better than that!  Good luck... really....

About eight months ago my husband, three children and I moved from my hometown and comfort zone and yes my entire support system. My husband was fired and found work forty five miles away and with fuel prices it only made sense to move. My H suffers from an emotionally hurtful past and has his bouts of depression and we have been married 4 1/2 years and have three children and a forth on the way. SO obviously he isn't deprived sexually.

Anyways, I started noticing changes in him a few months ago but I thought it was his christmas depression which he has gotten like clock work for at least five years now.  After christmas he really encouraged me to start doing day care again, because it would help with money and give me "something to do",  I am a stay at home mom I don't lack for things to do. But he knew a couple that he worked with that had two children the same age as our older two and so I agreed. He also often (prior to me caring for these children) wanted to go out to this couples house and eat, drink, and altogther be merry. Personally I didn't like this couple but I decided I need to make new friends and I can't do it without trying to be nice.

My H was often on the phone in which for a while I suspected was the other H but as time wore on I realized it was HER. My H would then hand me the phone and encourage the "friendship" between her and I. Once I started watching their kids I told my H I can't go to their house and vice versa, I needed time off too, and since I am the only nonsmoker I was constantly in charge of watching all the kids while my H and HER and her H smoked.

My H started just going to their house with out me and I started noticing the only thing he ever talked about was HER, work, HER, money problems, HER, etc...

So a couple of weeks ago I had a dream that SHE and he ran off together, I woke him up and told him my dream; he didn't give me the reaction I expected. I doubled my efforts to be involved in his life, I went to Napa and got the parts for is truck, made his favorite dinners and desserts and tried having conversations with him, but he took no notice. My suspicion was not unfounded.

Sunday night we were in bed and I could tell he was longing to confess something, I prepared myself for what I thought was the worst but what he said was actually way worse.

He told me he was falling in love with this woman and they had plans to run away together and split her two kids and take one of our own. I have been emotionally sick since. I feel completely derailed. Monday was a mess; Yesterday was our son's fifth birthday and my H took us out and spent the nearly three hundred dollars cash he has been hiding from me for his run away. I was temporarily relieved when he spent it. Then we got home and we got a phone call from mutual friends that SHE had left her H and could possibly be on her way over. But my H went to bed and we laid there listening. SHE was outside, then my H informed me that they were supposed to meet at 11:00 to "leave" and he didn't actually tell HER he wasn't going. But he stayed in bed and didn't answer the phone when it rang an hour later. SHE went back to her husband and as of lunch time today I thought all was well, however, after work my H ran off with the phone and called her. Her H wouldn't let HER speak to my H (duh) but SHE had her mom come and get her and SHE called my H back and now my H is gone. He swears he must go to her to break it off and it must be in person and he will be home by morning. I let him go, I shared my feelings but I didn't get angry (never at him throughout all this), I told him I was scared but I knew I couldn't stop him and either he'll be home or he won't.

He has assured me they've done nothing but a kiss and I (might be foolish) but I believe him. He's more emotionally driven than sexually. But it all still hurts, and in a way at least sex is pleasure of the body but LOVE? that's pleasure of the mind. The truly sad thing is he has no complaints about anything and we had a marriage of almost no disagreements until he met her. And he doesn't know "what it is about her". Until tonight I have never even heard the term emotional infidelity. I know it well now.

As for the previous post, I don't think I answered your question but what you have done is very hurtful to everyone including yourself. We are the exact opposite of the coin, and I am understanding as to why my H and HER and you and your crush have allowed things to develope. It feels good, but it's killing the rest of us.

I personally don't think that woman's hormones play a role in cheating, but thats just me... so please don't take it as "written in stone".... I think women cheat because their husbands have "emotionally" left the relationship and "physically" have left it, by not talking to them and making them feel like they are important to them anymore.  I think women cheat from the heart, men cheat from the ...well waist down.  I stopped having expectations of what a relationship would be like, after my first marriage ended back in 1980.  Expectations will kill a relationship faster than someone cheating.

I don't think you understand my circumstances.. I don't put up with cheating, never have, never, ever, ever, will.  We are no longer "together" we just happen to "have to" share the same house for the time being.. we are just room mates... since its a long story, thats all I need to tell you.  My anger comes from having to see him everyday and my sadness comes from the fact that he "screwed up" a good thing.  Enough said.  Have a good niteRed

I only understand what you write. So, you're saying that you are divorced but still living under the same roof? That's got to be tough.

I'm a bit confused though, how in the world do you marry somebody, or live with them, and have no expectations of them? If that were true, you wouldn't be angry with your husband, (or room-mate?) and sad that he screwed up, would you?

I understand that I'm irritating you. That's OK, it means I'm hitting a nerve, maybe something that you need to think about but that you are avoiding?

Consider this: in your previous post you said "That's what men do, make decisions ruled by dreams, delusions, and hormones. My problem is I have integrity and I'm not willing to come down to a cheater's level and just live with it." In this post you said  "I don't put up with cheating, never have, never, ever, ever, will."

You have also said, elsewhere, that you are through with men and will be by yourself.

So what are you doing with Brad on another thread? You are the initiator, you gave him your email address, you have hinted that he could teach you about his area of the country.

Go ahead, blast me. But think about what you SAY and what you DO.

Believe it or not, I'm your friend here. Maybe you haven't had one in a good long while?