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Topic : Infidelity
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November 4, 2008, 2:16 pm PST
 Quote From: j_quantz and there's no reason why you should. And, keep this little tidbit of fact tucked up in your brain- he's a whore too. A man-whore. His paramour could not have entered into your marriage and violated it unless she had been invited into it- by him. They are co-conspirators, but the bulk of the accountability lies with him- not her. Unless she forced her way in, held a gun to his head, overpowered him and MADE him cheat- yeah right. My (now ex) husband's whore, a co-worker who was on marriage #2 when they started their affair, claimed that I had "controlled him, trapped him, and had emasculated him." Yes, she said that to me. The fact that they worked together made it very easy for them to conduct their affair. His cell phone had been given to him by his workplace, so I never saw a bill. It was only when he would get careless and call her from our house phone that I was able to find out what was going on. But by then it had progressed to a full-blown romance and he didn't care anymore what I found out. The more I discovered, the more he then thought, "what the hell, she knows, so why hide it?" Me asking for the truth and for his accountability only made him more convinced that I was the controlling one, and that he was this poor, put-upon, sad, unhappy and unloved man who HAD to find love SOMEWHERE, because he had been suffering for 26 years being married to me. Whatever. What he really was and is is a narcissistic, porn and pot addicted passive-aggressive loser who, on the outside and to others, seems like the salt of the frickin' earth. I also believe in karma, that what goes around comes around. However, karma can bite both ways. I also feel that what I sent around has come back around for me. I have no contact whatsoever with my ex. Zero. I would be happy if I never saw or heard from him again. He is still in California, I moved back to my home-state after the divorce. I took our then-16 yr old daughter with me. Our two older sons, now 23 and 28, live in California and have no contact with him either. They despise him, and not because of his cheating on me. That was just the icing on the cake. He blames me for taking his daughter away from him, although I had to go through an arduous process through the California family court system to be able to take her. I got sole physical custody, we shared legal custody until she turned 18, and he had to sign and attest to sheafs and sheafs of legal documents to allow me to take her out of state. He signed them all without a fight. Many of them had to be notarized also. But, he had never fought for anything in his life, and so passively capitulated. I also know that he was trying to "teach" me that he wouldn't stand in the way of me having what I wanted, so I should not get in his way either (meaning in regards to his 'soul-mate'.) What a guy! Anyway, how I have had to "pay" for taking her is that he has spent the last 4 years playing mind games with her. She is the child that he liked, because she was more like him than my sons were, so he treated her better than he treated his sons, and he treated his sons like crap. I had heard that he was blaming me for "taking his daughter away from him" and that it was making him "so sad." Truth is, he has NEVER flown her out to see him, he came to her HS graduation in June of 2006 and saw her once besides the ceremony, stopped sending her a Christmas gift and birthday gift after the first year, and no longer calls her on her birthday because she didn't call him on his one year, but has been able to convince her that it's because of ME that they don't have a close relationship. He has also convinced her that the reason he was not a good dad and husband is because I (and his sons) made him so unhappy he couldn't help himself. Now that he is "happy", he isn't that poor, controlled, miserable person anymore and no longer has a reason to act like a bastard. So, my daughter, who is very much like her father herself, believes that and our relationship has deteriorated badly. She no longer talks to her brothers anymore either, because they despise him. And with good reason. And my daughter doesn't want to hear it, and has actually gone so far as to reinvent and rework what actually happend to them as children to exonerate her dad from any accountability. My daughter, now almost 21, is leaving to move to Hawaii the day after Thanksgiving, to move in with her bf, a 29 yr old divorced man w/ a 4 yr old son who is stationed at Pearl Harbor. He is in the Navy, on a sub. They met on the internet 5 months ago, she went out to see him in late August for a week, (paid for by him,) and is now moving there to be with him (again, paid for by him.) Of course, she is looking for love and needs a replacement for her dad. Everything I worked for on her behalf to keep her centered, grounded, and safe, has come to naught, thanks to her wonderful father. He, in his passive-aggressive way, had made me pay for not going along with his version of the truth, and he has used our daughter to hurt me. And my daughter, who will pay the price he requires for his involvement with her, has paid it. And I have paid it also. Believe me....I place the blame on him. By the way, this wasn't the first affair of his. The first one happened after we had been married 1 1/2 years. I left, he begged to go to counseling and like a fool, I gave in and went....oh he swore, they were only "friends" and nothing happened. This was before the cell phones and I busted him on our home phone. (What a dumbass, hers was a long distance number and it showed up on the bill) It wasn't until just recently that I discovered beyond a shadow of a doubt that just as I had suspected something did happen between the two of them. SHe claimed, he told her he wasn't married. WHATEVER! Fast forward to 2006 , I discover that he is making alot of phone calls to a mother of our son's friend (Phone whore). According to him, He was just listening to her tell all about how her husband never gave her any attention yada, yada, yada.......I confronted both of them with her husband present and both acted like we (Her husband and I ) were making something out of nothing. My spouse wanted to go to marriage counseling again, At first I refused, why even bother....I wanted out......Finally he wore me down....I went, did the hardwork that was necessary and poured my heart out, AT the time I foolishly thought that he was doing the same thing.......WRONG....He went, but was still continuing with his phone whore. I would ask and he would tell me NO, he was not in contact with her, the counselor explained to him that the repair to the relationship between the two of us would not happen if he continued the relationship with her........He lied thoughout, to me, the counselor, his parents etc.......This time....forget about the counseling, I have been to 4 different counselors with him thruout our 26 year marriage and its not any better. Most days I depise him. He has no where to go, his health is now poor and his credit will not allow him to even rent a place. The only reason I tolerate him is because of our son. Also during this time, I had surgery myself........Before my surgery he told me that the only reason he was still with me was because he didn't want people to think bad of him. My family (Parents, nieces and son helped me get back on my feet....the spouse was too busy calling his phone whore at all hours of the day and night. I have dealt with her harrassment on the phone at all hours (Finally the police placed a tracer and the calls stopped, A dead rabbit on my doorstop with its head cut off and a multitude of other incidents. I decided you two can have one another and guess what..........Now that the cat is out of the bag.....they don't want each other. Life sure is strange huh? |
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November 4, 2008, 3:12 pm PST
Quote From: iamsofedup Believe me....I place the blame on him. By the way, this wasn't the first affair of his. The first one happened after we had been married 1 1/2 years. I left, he begged to go to counseling and like a fool, I gave in and went....oh he swore, they were only "friends" and nothing happened. This was before the cell phones and I busted him on our home phone. (What a dumbass, hers was a long distance number and it showed up on the bill) It wasn't until just recently that I discovered beyond a shadow of a doubt that just as I had suspected something did happen between the two of them. SHe claimed, he told her he wasn't married. WHATEVER! Fast forward to 2006 , I discover that he is making alot of phone calls to a mother of our son's friend (Phone whore). According to him, He was just listening to her tell all about how her husband never gave her any attention yada, yada, yada.......I confronted both of them with her husband present and both acted like we (Her husband and I ) were making something out of nothing. My spouse wanted to go to marriage counseling again, At first I refused, why even bother....I wanted out......Finally he wore me down....I went, did the hardwork that was necessary and poured my heart out, AT the time I foolishly thought that he was doing the same thing.......WRONG....He went, but was still continuing with his phone whore. I would ask and he would tell me NO, he was not in contact with her, the counselor explained to him that the repair to the relationship between the two of us would not happen if he continued the relationship with her........He lied thoughout, to me, the counselor, his parents etc.......This time....forget about the counseling, I have been to 4 different counselors with him thruout our 26 year marriage and its not any better. Most days I depise him. He has no where to go, his health is now poor and his credit will not allow him to even rent a place. The only reason I tolerate him is because of our son. Also during this time, I had surgery myself........Before my surgery he told me that the only reason he was still with me was because he didn't want people to think bad of him. My family (Parents, nieces and son helped me get back on my feet....the spouse was too busy calling his phone whore at all hours of the day and night. I have dealt with her harrassment on the phone at all hours (Finally the police placed a tracer and the calls stopped, A dead rabbit on my doorstop with its head cut off and a multitude of other incidents. I decided you two can have one another and guess what..........Now that the cat is out of the bag.....they don't want each other. Life sure is strange huh? You post that "the only reason you tolerate him is because of our son." You also seem to have sympathy for him and his beat-down life, which, if I may remind you, he earned and paid for. Why do you feel or think that you have to share in this? Why do you feel or think that you have to support this dysfunctional arrangement? Do you really think that your son is living in an honest, stable household with your cheating, broke-down husband there? Even if it is his father? Why are you subjecting yourself and your son to this? Because you're married to him? Still? After 26 years of maltreatment BY HIM? Why in the holy hell do you think you "owe" him your continued support and concern for his "unfortunate" situation or one more minute of your precious life? He has done NOTHING to elicit your support, your time, your concern, your care, your anything. Ever hear of the parable of the snake? There was even a hit song about it in the 60's. A woman takes an injured snake in and nurses him back to health. She knows he's a snake and is very capable of killing her with its venom, but believes that it would never harm her because she saved it. After the snake recovers, it of course bites her. When she cries out, "how could you do this to me? I loved and cared for you." The snake replies, "you knew I was a snake when you took me in. Why are you surprised when I act like the snake I am?" 'Nuff said? |
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November 4, 2008, 3:35 pm PST
Quote From: j_quantz and there's no reason why you should. And, keep this little tidbit of fact tucked up in your brain- he's a whore too. A man-whore. His paramour could not have entered into your marriage and violated it unless she had been invited into it- by him. They are co-conspirators, but the bulk of the accountability lies with him- not her. Unless she forced her way in, held a gun to his head, overpowered him and MADE him cheat- yeah right. My (now ex) husband's whore, a co-worker who was on marriage #2 when they started their affair, claimed that I had "controlled him, trapped him, and had emasculated him." Yes, she said that to me. The fact that they worked together made it very easy for them to conduct their affair. His cell phone had been given to him by his workplace, so I never saw a bill. It was only when he would get careless and call her from our house phone that I was able to find out what was going on. But by then it had progressed to a full-blown romance and he didn't care anymore what I found out. The more I discovered, the more he then thought, "what the hell, she knows, so why hide it?" Me asking for the truth and for his accountability only made him more convinced that I was the controlling one, and that he was this poor, put-upon, sad, unhappy and unloved man who HAD to find love SOMEWHERE, because he had been suffering for 26 years being married to me. Whatever. What he really was and is is a narcissistic, porn and pot addicted passive-aggressive loser who, on the outside and to others, seems like the salt of the frickin' earth. I also believe in karma, that what goes around comes around. However, karma can bite both ways. I also feel that what I sent around has come back around for me. I have no contact whatsoever with my ex. Zero. I would be happy if I never saw or heard from him again. He is still in California, I moved back to my home-state after the divorce. I took our then-16 yr old daughter with me. Our two older sons, now 23 and 28, live in California and have no contact with him either. They despise him, and not because of his cheating on me. That was just the icing on the cake. He blames me for taking his daughter away from him, although I had to go through an arduous process through the California family court system to be able to take her. I got sole physical custody, we shared legal custody until she turned 18, and he had to sign and attest to sheafs and sheafs of legal documents to allow me to take her out of state. He signed them all without a fight. Many of them had to be notarized also. But, he had never fought for anything in his life, and so passively capitulated. I also know that he was trying to "teach" me that he wouldn't stand in the way of me having what I wanted, so I should not get in his way either (meaning in regards to his 'soul-mate'.) What a guy! Anyway, how I have had to "pay" for taking her is that he has spent the last 4 years playing mind games with her. She is the child that he liked, because she was more like him than my sons were, so he treated her better than he treated his sons, and he treated his sons like crap. I had heard that he was blaming me for "taking his daughter away from him" and that it was making him "so sad." Truth is, he has NEVER flown her out to see him, he came to her HS graduation in June of 2006 and saw her once besides the ceremony, stopped sending her a Christmas gift and birthday gift after the first year, and no longer calls her on her birthday because she didn't call him on his one year, but has been able to convince her that it's because of ME that they don't have a close relationship. He has also convinced her that the reason he was not a good dad and husband is because I (and his sons) made him so unhappy he couldn't help himself. Now that he is "happy", he isn't that poor, controlled, miserable person anymore and no longer has a reason to act like a bastard. So, my daughter, who is very much like her father herself, believes that and our relationship has deteriorated badly. She no longer talks to her brothers anymore either, because they despise him. And with good reason. And my daughter doesn't want to hear it, and has actually gone so far as to reinvent and rework what actually happend to them as children to exonerate her dad from any accountability. My daughter, now almost 21, is leaving to move to Hawaii the day after Thanksgiving, to move in with her bf, a 29 yr old divorced man w/ a 4 yr old son who is stationed at Pearl Harbor. He is in the Navy, on a sub. They met on the internet 5 months ago, she went out to see him in late August for a week, (paid for by him,) and is now moving there to be with him (again, paid for by him.) Of course, she is looking for love and needs a replacement for her dad. Everything I worked for on her behalf to keep her centered, grounded, and safe, has come to naught, thanks to her wonderful father. He, in his passive-aggressive way, had made me pay for not going along with his version of the truth, and he has used our daughter to hurt me. And my daughter, who will pay the price he requires for his involvement with her, has paid it. And I have paid it also. I quantz, I feel your worry and despair for your daughter. I agree that she may be making the mistake of her life by going so far away to live with somebody she met on the internet. Listen to me, though: Now is the time to get your ex to join forces with you. If he has any sort of influence with her, for God's sake get him to use it!
This is about your daughter now, not you and him. It's possible that she is exercising some sort of ill-conceived self-expression because of the tug-of -war she endures from the two of you. A united front on your behalfs may be what it takes for her to reconsider her actions.
I know how much you hate to have anything to do with your ex, but surely he doesn't want her going so far away with a stranger?! Don't spend too long thinking about this, you don't have much time left.
I would look into this guy's background too. |
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November 4, 2008, 4:02 pm PST
Quote From: whydoithink Hi There, Before I begin, I would like to give a bit of background to how I got where I am today. Sorry, but I'm sure this will turn out to be a long one. Hope I can get some great advice here, because I really screwed up. 4 years ago, this month, I discovered my spouse was having an affair. Prior to this discovery, I had my suspicions, and asked my husband on several occasions if he was cheating. He would always say no, and by the third time of asking, he got angry and told me I was a jealous wife and needed help for that. I took it at that, until that fateful night in November when I found out my gut was right. Since that time, we have had good days, but more bad days as a result of his behavior and sneaky ways if you will. I hated what I turned into, but he would not allow me the chance to trust him again! At least once a month, over these last years, I begged him. I told him, if you don't want to fix us, then keep doing what you're doing...so he has. And finally, 3 weeks ago, I had my breaking point. He once again received text messages for a woman in the middle of night for a few days. I simply wanted to see the messages, but he deleted them....by mistake...which has been his excuse every time. Trust me, I loved my husband, and it's taken me a long time to get where I am today...which is DONE! I feel like I have wasted 18 years of my life...for what? To be treated this way? How could I allow such a thing! I am such an idiot! I decided to leave him, a trial separation if you will. Well I haven't gone anywhere because I am weak. But I did make a HUGE mistake...and now I am just as low as my husband, if not lower. I went out with my sister, her husband and her good friend. The friend and I hit it off and we ended up sleeping together that night. And yes, it was unprotected. My husband and I thought we could not have kids. In our entire 18 year relationship, we have never used any form of birth control. We were never sure who the problem was, and we couldn't afford to find out...so we felt blessed enough to have our one daughter. Well ladies and gentlemen...I'm pregnant. Yes, that's right. And I highly doubt it's my husbands, because we haven't been able to conceive since the birth of our daughter. The method of control I used that night was that old faithful pull out method. Faithful? Yeah right. I am SUCH AN IDIOT! Now I know this guy does not want a relationship and I most sure he doesn't want a child as well. And my husband is for sure going to have his heart broken, because I have to now tell him what I have done and that there is a high chance the child is not his. The affair was something I wanted to get out in couples counseling. But I wanted he and I to work on ourselves first. Now, there is no working it out. I have for sure destroyed any chance at saving my marriage. And the kicker here is, I really wanted that. If I did, then why did I cheat? Was I done, and I didn't realize it? I'm a mess. And I don't know how to fix this. Or how to break it to my husband and the other man. Yes, you're IN a mess, but you are not a mess, nor are you an idiot.
You're somebody that's been held down by your own thoughts and attitudes for too long. You made a mistake one night, and now you must live with the consequences. I hope for your sake that the consequences are not more complicated than what is apparent at this time. For heaven's sake, get that STD screening done, hang the cost! and get that worry out of the way. (Or get on with dealing with it, one way or the other.)
How old is your daughter? Have you given any thought as to whether you want to keep the child you bear?
I wouldn't see yourself as "worse" than your husband. He is in this too, though, so you must tell him that you are pregnant. And who knows? Maybe it is your husband's? Unless you haven't had sex, it could be, it happened once before after all.
I see your worst problem as looking at yourself as downtrodden and of victim status. You have been cheated on for years and put up with it. You have allowed your husband to make you feel like you deserve no better. You are accountable for your mistake, but not for his on-going infidelities. The sooner you face the realities and confront your husband, the sooner you will work this out, one way or the other. And I think this is what you are asking, correct? How to tell him? Just take a deep breath and say, "I'm pregnant."
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November 4, 2008, 4:14 pm PST
Quote From: iamsofedup Believe me....I place the blame on him. By the way, this wasn't the first affair of his. The first one happened after we had been married 1 1/2 years. I left, he begged to go to counseling and like a fool, I gave in and went....oh he swore, they were only "friends" and nothing happened. This was before the cell phones and I busted him on our home phone. (What a dumbass, hers was a long distance number and it showed up on the bill) It wasn't until just recently that I discovered beyond a shadow of a doubt that just as I had suspected something did happen between the two of them. SHe claimed, he told her he wasn't married. WHATEVER! Fast forward to 2006 , I discover that he is making alot of phone calls to a mother of our son's friend (Phone whore). According to him, He was just listening to her tell all about how her husband never gave her any attention yada, yada, yada.......I confronted both of them with her husband present and both acted like we (Her husband and I ) were making something out of nothing. My spouse wanted to go to marriage counseling again, At first I refused, why even bother....I wanted out......Finally he wore me down....I went, did the hardwork that was necessary and poured my heart out, AT the time I foolishly thought that he was doing the same thing.......WRONG....He went, but was still continuing with his phone whore. I would ask and he would tell me NO, he was not in contact with her, the counselor explained to him that the repair to the relationship between the two of us would not happen if he continued the relationship with her........He lied thoughout, to me, the counselor, his parents etc.......This time....forget about the counseling, I have been to 4 different counselors with him thruout our 26 year marriage and its not any better. Most days I depise him. He has no where to go, his health is now poor and his credit will not allow him to even rent a place. The only reason I tolerate him is because of our son. Also during this time, I had surgery myself........Before my surgery he told me that the only reason he was still with me was because he didn't want people to think bad of him. My family (Parents, nieces and son helped me get back on my feet....the spouse was too busy calling his phone whore at all hours of the day and night. I have dealt with her harrassment on the phone at all hours (Finally the police placed a tracer and the calls stopped, A dead rabbit on my doorstop with its head cut off and a multitude of other incidents. I decided you two can have one another and guess what..........Now that the cat is out of the bag.....they don't want each other. Life sure is strange huh? It sounds like you have worked your way out of the marriage all right. You did everything he asked, and willingly worked at it. He does not deserve you, and I applaud your leaving him to stew in the bed of his own making.
Some people need to hit bottom, and bottom for some is way, way down there. You said that you "tolerate him because of" your son. I hope that you are not supporting him in any way, shape or form?
Also, the mutilated rabbit on the doorstep is a sign of serious sickness, I hope you reported that. I would be afraid for your son with a sicko of this sort in your vicinity that harbors ill wishes for you. I don't want to alarm you, but better safe than sorry. I would put some distance between you and her if that is possible. It it's not, I would let the police and everybody you know (neighbors, friends, family, coworkers, son's teachers and care-givers) know what she looks like and warn them she is potentially dangerous.
I know you didn't ask for any of this, but you have to deal with it. It's not fair, but you don't have to be a victim. Take control of the things that you CAN control.
Keep us posted, you're in my thoughts. |
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November 4, 2008, 5:17 pm PST
Quote From: ritehere I quantz, I feel your worry and despair for your daughter. I agree that she may be making the mistake of her life by going so far away to live with somebody she met on the internet. Listen to me, though: Now is the time to get your ex to join forces with you. If he has any sort of influence with her, for God's sake get him to use it!
This is about your daughter now, not you and him. It's possible that she is exercising some sort of ill-conceived self-expression because of the tug-of -war she endures from the two of you. A united front on your behalfs may be what it takes for her to reconsider her actions.
I know how much you hate to have anything to do with your ex, but surely he doesn't want her going so far away with a stranger?! Don't spend too long thinking about this, you don't have much time left.
I would look into this guy's background too. My daughter has told me that her dad is fine with this arrangement. And I have also heard thru the grapevine that he thinks it's "great" that she gets to live in Hawaii. If it makes her happy, he's all for it. There is not and can never be a "united front" between him and me. He has gone to the pinnacle of selfishness and "do whatever you need to be happy." He no longer wants to be a real father to her. He wants to be her pal and go along with whatever she wants to do to "be happy." Really. This is true. I am not exaggerating it or blowing it out of proportion. He told me himself that he never liked the obligations of parenthood, and that he will never again feel obligated to anyone or anything. Part of why he made my sons lives so unhappy is because he felt "obligated" to do for them, instead of doing something for them because he wanted to. It wasn't the same with my daughter, because she reminded him of himself. Narcissists worship themselves or versions of themselves. And he is truly a narcissist. There is no "middle ground" to work toward. He has accomplished his goal of undermining my parenting every chance he got and turning my daughter against me by sympathizing with her predicament of having to live with me. He told her many times, "now you know what I had to put up with," because I act as a parent, not a pal. It's sad and unfortunate, but true. There is nothing to be done about it. I only wish there was. As far as the guy, he seems like a good guy, as far as I know. I have spoken to him on several occasions. I believe he is definitely in rebound mode, after being cheated on and abandoned by his wife, who took their son with her when she moved to Connecticut with her affair partner. I am curious to know how she got to take the boy with her out of state, although I believe he capitulated and allowed to do it. He seems to be more her age emotionally than his own. And he thinks he knows her, but he doesn't. To tell you the truth, I think it will be worse for him when he finds out who she really is than for her. Of course I am beside myself with worry and anguish. My daughter does not want to hear anything I have to say about it unless it is "Gee honey, that's awesome! How wonderful! I am so excited for you!" Any words of caution, of concern, of worry, have fallen on deaf ears, and she doesn't care to talk to me anymore, because she doesn't want to hear what I am saying. Her adopted sister Jessica is very worried also. As are her brothers. She has stopped talking to ANYONE about it, because we are all saying the same thing. The only person that fully supports her decision is her father. And, just to clarify a little, I took her back to Michigan with me not to punish him, but to protect her. And that's all I will say about that. |
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November 5, 2008, 12:47 am PST
Quote From: confused75 Hi I am divorced from my ex now and raising 2 girls on my own. Oldest 9yrs old and youngest 5yrs old. Their dad has been seeing someone for nearly a year now and wants to introduce this person, to the girls. The oldest is getting nervous about this and was not happy at first, to meet his girlfriend. Now after counselling with both myself and her dad, she is feeling a bit better in meeting the new person, in her dad's life. I also, am at peace that this relationship my ex has, is a permanent one and agree that it is time to introduce girls to his girlfriend. My only question I have is what things should I know, as to the limits of what my ex girlfriend can do, with punishment or yelling??? My ex is not living with his girlfriend at the moment, so I have advised my ex that when girls are over, due to them only being introduced to his girlfriend for the first time, the girlfriend is not allowed to sleep over. Is this an unreasonable request. He believes it is, but I belive when kids are involved, it has to be a gradual thing with them spending time with their dad and his girlfriend. Do you think I am being unreasonable??? Could you also please help or give me some advice, on boundaries I need to set, with this new situation of the kids meeting their dad's new girlfriend. I have heard many stories of girlfriends of ex's not treating their ex's children appropriately, so could you also give me some advice on things I also should be on guard for??? Your response would be greatly appreciated. Hi. I am divorced from my ex and had reverted back to my maiden name about a year and a half ago. At this time, my then 7 and 1/2year old daughter wanted to change her surname out of her dad's surname, and make it the same as mine. I thought it was just a phase she was going through, didn't address the matter, and left her surname, as it was. My daughter is now 9years old and still adamant that she wants her surname changed and always writes her name with her surname as my maiden name. She also advised that she wants to have the same surname because she feels closer to me and does not feel comfortable having her dad's surname. Her dad is very upset and believes I should emphasise to my daughter that what she is doing is wrong, and she should be keeping her name, with his surname. I am not sure how to handle this because I do believe in choices, but should my daughter even have a choice, what surname she takes up, because she is still young???? How should I treat this situation??? Please help me so I do what's best in this situation. |
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November 5, 2008, 7:01 am PST
Hello everyone,
This might be a little long, but I have to state all the details to be fair. First I want to say that I have been with my husband for 11 years and married 7 of them. We also have 3 wonderful boys.
When we first starting dating, I cheated me him with my ex boyfriend who I thought I was in love with. I kept this from my husband for 3 years and finally came clean thinking it was the right thing to do. In October, November time frame of 1999 I found out I was pregnant with our first son. The cheating was over months before i found out i was carrying our son. Since then I have done nothing of the sort or even thought about doing such a thing.
Now my husband and I got married in 2001 while I was pregnant with our second son. In 2005 we had our third son. After having my third son I went to New York for my grandfathers 60th birthday party. While I was away my husband cheated on me and continued to after I got back until I caught him. Our youngest was 3 months old at the time and my husband begged for a second chance at our marriage. I was going to leave him then, but stupid me didn't.
We worked through our problems and I thought everything was going to be ok. Now he has done it again and this time it has hit me like a ton of bricks. I found phone records and put the pieces together. Asked him about it and he lied. I knew who she was, but he denied it because he knew from last time I would go straight to the other husband. This females husband is serving in Iraq right now coming home sometime in November. I have talked to them both and he says it's over. Now the phone number that he was calling he does not anymore. But after he stopped calling that one, he starting calling another which I believe is another phone of hers. He said it is his friends phone, but if I try and call it no one will answer it. He calls the number only when he is away from me.
I hate the person this has made me become. I have lost 12 pounds and am a crazy wife now. I look for mistakes on his part all the time. I track the phone records, I look on his history on his computer, question him where ever he goes. The bad part is I love him, but I think I'm starting not to. He has been a big part of my life for so long.
I have this gut feeling it is still going on but he denies it. It cause fights alll the time. I'm not sure if he is holding until he knows if her relationship is going to work or if he means what he says. He says he can't give me 100 % to fix the relationship if I'm only giving 40 %.
How do you know when to keep fighting or when to just let go??? |
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November 5, 2008, 9:07 am PST
Quote From: j_quantz My daughter has told me that her dad is fine with this arrangement. And I have also heard thru the grapevine that he thinks it's "great" that she gets to live in Hawaii. If it makes her happy, he's all for it. There is not and can never be a "united front" between him and me. He has gone to the pinnacle of selfishness and "do whatever you need to be happy." He no longer wants to be a real father to her. He wants to be her pal and go along with whatever she wants to do to "be happy." Really. This is true. I am not exaggerating it or blowing it out of proportion. He told me himself that he never liked the obligations of parenthood, and that he will never again feel obligated to anyone or anything. Part of why he made my sons lives so unhappy is because he felt "obligated" to do for them, instead of doing something for them because he wanted to. It wasn't the same with my daughter, because she reminded him of himself. Narcissists worship themselves or versions of themselves. And he is truly a narcissist. There is no "middle ground" to work toward. He has accomplished his goal of undermining my parenting every chance he got and turning my daughter against me by sympathizing with her predicament of having to live with me. He told her many times, "now you know what I had to put up with," because I act as a parent, not a pal. It's sad and unfortunate, but true. There is nothing to be done about it. I only wish there was. As far as the guy, he seems like a good guy, as far as I know. I have spoken to him on several occasions. I believe he is definitely in rebound mode, after being cheated on and abandoned by his wife, who took their son with her when she moved to Connecticut with her affair partner. I am curious to know how she got to take the boy with her out of state, although I believe he capitulated and allowed to do it. He seems to be more her age emotionally than his own. And he thinks he knows her, but he doesn't. To tell you the truth, I think it will be worse for him when he finds out who she really is than for her. Of course I am beside myself with worry and anguish. My daughter does not want to hear anything I have to say about it unless it is "Gee honey, that's awesome! How wonderful! I am so excited for you!" Any words of caution, of concern, of worry, have fallen on deaf ears, and she doesn't care to talk to me anymore, because she doesn't want to hear what I am saying. Her adopted sister Jessica is very worried also. As are her brothers. She has stopped talking to ANYONE about it, because we are all saying the same thing. The only person that fully supports her decision is her father. And, just to clarify a little, I took her back to Michigan with me not to punish him, but to protect her. And that's all I will say about that. That's gotta be tough, to have your ex more concerned with being a good-time friend than a parent! Do you know of any friends of hers that can influence her? Maybe one that has had a bad experience with internet-spawned relationships? Or what about a friend of yours that she likes and respects? I was thanked recently by a good friend for asking some hard questions in a concerned way of her daughter. I'm not going to go into it, but this daughter was once on another show of the Dr Phil sort, as one of 3 young women that has endured severe abuse at the hands of a husband or boyfriend. She has recently got serious with a man she met in a bar, and of course her parents are feeling helpless and worried. All I'm saying is exhaust every idea you can come up with to show her how worried you are. And if she goes anyway, which she might, let her know that the door is open if she needs you. Hope for the best, but do what you can! I'm praying for you and for her.
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November 5, 2008, 9:22 am PST
Quote From: confused75 Hi. I am divorced from my ex and had reverted back to my maiden name about a year and a half ago. At this time, my then 7 and 1/2year old daughter wanted to change her surname out of her dad's surname, and make it the same as mine. I thought it was just a phase she was going through, didn't address the matter, and left her surname, as it was. My daughter is now 9years old and still adamant that she wants her surname changed and always writes her name with her surname as my maiden name. She also advised that she wants to have the same surname because she feels closer to me and does not feel comfortable having her dad's surname. Her dad is very upset and believes I should emphasise to my daughter that what she is doing is wrong, and she should be keeping her name, with his surname. I am not sure how to handle this because I do believe in choices, but should my daughter even have a choice, what surname she takes up, because she is still young???? How should I treat this situation??? Please help me so I do what's best in this situation. If 6 year olds are consulted as to their personal wishes in adoption cases, then your daughter has a legitimate claim here. If I were her father, I would be more concerned with why she wants to dump his name than any personal feelings of "wrongness" on his part. It may be something as simple as the fact that it embarrasses her to explain to teachers and friends why her name is different than yours. Or it may be something else. If her father has a close relationship with her, this could still be an issue for her. I would suggest that you have family counseling including your ex. This way he won't feel that you are somehow talking your daughter into this. And also, your daughter will, hopefully, be able to get her feelings across so that you both understand what she is going through. |
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