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Topic : Infidelity
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November 5, 2008, 9:31 am PST
 Quote From: jnasset Hello everyone,
This might be a little long, but I have to state all the details to be fair. First I want to say that I have been with my husband for 11 years and married 7 of them. We also have 3 wonderful boys.
When we first starting dating, I cheated me him with my ex boyfriend who I thought I was in love with. I kept this from my husband for 3 years and finally came clean thinking it was the right thing to do. In October, November time frame of 1999 I found out I was pregnant with our first son. The cheating was over months before i found out i was carrying our son. Since then I have done nothing of the sort or even thought about doing such a thing.
Now my husband and I got married in 2001 while I was pregnant with our second son. In 2005 we had our third son. After having my third son I went to New York for my grandfathers 60th birthday party. While I was away my husband cheated on me and continued to after I got back until I caught him. Our youngest was 3 months old at the time and my husband begged for a second chance at our marriage. I was going to leave him then, but stupid me didn't.
We worked through our problems and I thought everything was going to be ok. Now he has done it again and this time it has hit me like a ton of bricks. I found phone records and put the pieces together. Asked him about it and he lied. I knew who she was, but he denied it because he knew from last time I would go straight to the other husband. This females husband is serving in Iraq right now coming home sometime in November. I have talked to them both and he says it's over. Now the phone number that he was calling he does not anymore. But after he stopped calling that one, he starting calling another which I believe is another phone of hers. He said it is his friends phone, but if I try and call it no one will answer it. He calls the number only when he is away from me.
I hate the person this has made me become. I have lost 12 pounds and am a crazy wife now. I look for mistakes on his part all the time. I track the phone records, I look on his history on his computer, question him where ever he goes. The bad part is I love him, but I think I'm starting not to. He has been a big part of my life for so long.
I have this gut feeling it is still going on but he denies it. It cause fights alll the time. I'm not sure if he is holding until he knows if her relationship is going to work or if he means what he says. He says he can't give me 100 % to fix the relationship if I'm only giving 40 %.
How do you know when to keep fighting or when to just let go??? When the balance tips to show that all the lying, cheating, misrepresenting, and betrayal has become more than all the good things you know about him and all the right things he has done. It is subjective, of course, and only YOU can know when that happens. There is no "right time/right way" in regards to this. It depends so much on who you are, how much you can tolerate and endure, and hinges on how quickly you can come out of denial and live in the current reality of your relationship. What that means is, how you view and think about your relationship needs to be focused on what it is now, not what is had been in the past, or who he presented himself to be when you were dating or first married. For you to say to yourself, "but I love him, but I took vows with him, but what if he wakes up smells the coffee after I have made the decision to end it"....and on and on, will not help you. Look, the past is gone and the future is unknown. All we have is what it is NOW. And, I also know that if your spouse isn't as invested as you are in repairing the relationship, your efforts will be in vain. You alone cannot make it happen. Yes, we make decisions based on what has transpired, what has happened and occurred in the past. It is that body of evidence that we have to weigh, consider, and analyze before we can come to a conclusion regarding it. However, if you have a cheating spouse whose main objective is to keep you in the dark, it is foolish to expect them to validate your findings,your gut feelings and your conclusions regarding them and how they have negatively affected the relationship. You then are pretty much on your own there, generally. And for him to say that he can't "give you 100%" because you aren't giving that much is insane. He's not giving 100% because he doesn't want to. Period. I understand not wanting to separate yourself from someone you love, someone who has been such a big part of your life for so long. I met my now-ex when we were 11 years old. He has/had been a part of my life for 40 years now. He was the love of my life, the only man I ever wanted, and whom I loved with everything I had to give. Unfortunately, I was not the love if his life. I was not the only woman he ever wanted. He did not love me with everything he had. I was the woman he chose to bear his offspring. Because of who I am, my propensity toward faithfulness, loyalty, and trust, he knew I would stay around to raise them. And, when they were raised (well, two of them were), he cast me off for a woman that was more like him in personality and proclivities. They are two of a kind, and very evenly matched in ways that he and I were not, such as history of drug use, promiscuity, unfaithfulness, and self-centeredness. But, that suits him fine, since he has no interest in "denying" himself the "joys" of doing whatever he wants to do whenever he wants to do it, including having multiple partners, smoking and dealing pot again (like he used to do in his teens,) and not being obligated to anyone or anything. Including his children. When my husband brought that stark reality home to me, I then had no choice but to let go and stop trying to rescue my marriage. There was nothing left to fight for. All my past inklings and evidence of something being very wrong in our marriage, all the counseling we went through, with him not embracing any kind of lasting change, had now come back to me like a nuclear blast. I hung in there until the bitter end. And am now paying the price for doing that. I have realized that my faithfulness, loyalty, and self-sacrificial personality had bitten me in the ass. My greatest strengths had also been my greatest weaknesses and my eventual undoing. All the precious gifts I had given my husband, namely my faith, my loyalty, my trust and my vulnerability, had been a grave mistake, because I gave them to the wrong person. And my humanness was not respected and cared for by him, because he cares for no one but himself. But I have learned these hard lessons. I am still trying to figure out who this new "me" is and balancing that out. I am endeavoring to reconcile my new reality with my personality. It's not easy. Sometimes I come off as strident and hard, since I don't take anyone's crap for too long now. Like I used to do. Sometimes I behave bitterly, due to what I allowed to happen to me, and struggle to recognize it and soften it. I am a reformed people pleaser, and, IMO, there's nothing worse than a "reformed" anyone- LOL!!! Sometimes I get judgmental about it in regards to others, and need to realize that everyone isn't going to accept me and be happy with me for doing that. But, I am just as human as they. Hope I helped you in some way. Good luck and keep posting. ~jjj~ |
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November 5, 2008, 10:26 am PST
Quote From: ritehere That's gotta be tough, to have your ex more concerned with being a good-time friend than a parent! Do you know of any friends of hers that can influence her? Maybe one that has had a bad experience with internet-spawned relationships? Or what about a friend of yours that she likes and respects? I was thanked recently by a good friend for asking some hard questions in a concerned way of her daughter. I'm not going to go into it, but this daughter was once on another show of the Dr Phil sort, as one of 3 young women that has endured severe abuse at the hands of a husband or boyfriend. She has recently got serious with a man she met in a bar, and of course her parents are feeling helpless and worried. All I'm saying is exhaust every idea you can come up with to show her how worried you are. And if she goes anyway, which she might, let her know that the door is open if she needs you. Hope for the best, but do what you can! I'm praying for you and for her.
I appreciate your concern, truly. My daughter is going, and the more we express our concern, the more adamant she becomes. I have not seen her or talked to her in almost a month now. I saw her yesterday at our voting place. She was about 10 people ahead of me in line. I asked the guy behind me to hold my place in line, went up to her, tapped her on the shoulder, and when she turned around I took her in my arms and hugged and kissed her and told her I loved her very much. She replied that she loved me too. I asked her to call me soon so we could spend some time together just hanging out and enjoying each other's company. She said she would, and I went back to my place in line. I watched her take her ballot (it was her first time voting in a Presidential election) and go to the voting tables. Our town still uses paper ballots and ink pens to fill them out with. I gazed at her as she took this next step into adulthood and couldn't help tearing up. I am crying now just writing about it. Soon, so soon, she will be gone to Hawaii, and there is nothing I can do about it. When she got involved with a kid from Texas on the 'net two years ago I, my sons, and my two best friends and other members of my family did everything they could to talk her out of it. He eventually came to our town to visit her and she ended up losing her virginity to him. I knew from having contact with him that he was a liar and a phony, and when I met him my fears were confirmed. In fact, he was a carbon-copy of her father in personality and manner. And I wasn't the only one who saw through him. But she denied what we were telling her and refused to believe us. She "knew him." We did not. She and he even had "future spouse" and "will eventually get married" notices on their myspace pages. Well, after he had visited and had gotten what he came for, he stopped contact with her and took down all the pictures and notices regarding her off his myspace. She found out about his lies and misrepresentations about who he was. I had hoped that she had learned her lesson, because she took it so hard. But even after that she didn't want to discuss it with me or anyone else, because she did not want to admit that she had been wrong and we had been right. She sees my involvement, anyone's involvement, with her and her life as an intrusion and as a violation of her privacy. Because we cannot support her choices and decisions. And we will not say we think what she is doing is wonderful if it isn't. My oldest son has been trying and trying to talk to her, either on the cell or on the 'net. She will not take his calls or return his emails or IM's. My son and his wife are planning to visit me during Christmas, but she will be gone by then. According to my daughter, her bf, who is from Ohio, plans to visit his family (parents and siblings) during Christmas. He has said that he plans on coming up to Michigan to meet me. My daughter will be accompanying him to meet his parents. We'll see. He has told me not to worry, that he will take good care of her. I told him that I want her to learn to take care of herself, without having to be dependent on him, and what does a 29 yr old want with an almost 21 yr old? He told me that he "understands" my concerns, and that he would never do anything to hurt her. Yes, they won't be together all that much, due to his obligation to the Navy. He is out on the sub for weeks at a time. But I also found out that he shares his apt. off-base with a roommate. Another Navy guy. And I know absolutely nothing about him. Although my daughter says he is "nice." Gee, that eases my mind. My daughter plans to get a job at one of the hotels on Oahu as a kitchen assistant to a chef. My daughter is interested in going to culinary school, and currently works as a cook at a restaurant at Detroit Metro airport. She says that her bf knows someone that can get her in. He is paying to have her belongings shipped to Hawaii, including her car. He has already purchased her airline ticket to Honolulu. My daughter has some money saved up, the money she was going to use to attend culinary classes at a community college here that has an excellent culinary program. My daughter knows that I and her siblings and her family loves her and cares about her. And that, if anything goes wrong, to call her brother in California first, since he can get to her faster than I can. Other than that, I don't know what else I can do to discourage her. She has said that she was never happy here in Michigan, so I know that a large part of this is the excitement of moving to Hawaii. We moved from Mich. to California when she was 5, so she spent the bulk of her childhood there. She had tried for over a year to talk her paternal Aunt Cheryl into letting her move to San Francisco and move in with her and her aunt's partner Bill, but her aunt said no. She would not ask her father to move back to California to live with him, because he refuses to share him with his gf, the woman he cheated on me with, and her 20 year old daughter. So, I guess Hawaii sounds good to her. Other than kidnapping her and locking her in the basement, I don't know what else to do about it. Thank you for your prayers. Keep praying, hard. As I am. |
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November 5, 2008, 2:25 pm PST
Quote From: ritehere It sounds like you have worked your way out of the marriage all right. You did everything he asked, and willingly worked at it. He does not deserve you, and I applaud your leaving him to stew in the bed of his own making.
Some people need to hit bottom, and bottom for some is way, way down there. You said that you "tolerate him because of" your son. I hope that you are not supporting him in any way, shape or form?
Also, the mutilated rabbit on the doorstep is a sign of serious sickness, I hope you reported that. I would be afraid for your son with a sicko of this sort in your vicinity that harbors ill wishes for you. I don't want to alarm you, but better safe than sorry. I would put some distance between you and her if that is possible. It it's not, I would let the police and everybody you know (neighbors, friends, family, coworkers, son's teachers and care-givers) know what she looks like and warn them she is potentially dangerous.
I know you didn't ask for any of this, but you have to deal with it. It's not fair, but you don't have to be a victim. Take control of the things that you CAN control.
Keep us posted, you're in my thoughts. The police came out and filed a report dealing with the rabbit incident. I told two of my co workers about it and both of my parents know. I have tolerated alot of BS from him and his family and all of their sick sick ways (read getting along with your inlaws for that side of it). I think he now knows that I will not be a victim and that in and of itself has brought about changes in him. Once he realized that my life would go on and I was not going to curl up into a fetal position and die over him, he became alarmed. I do feel as if I have worked my way out of this marriage. I told him that he could never again hurt me or do anything else to me to humiliate me, now he suddenly wants a "do over". I do not support him in any shape or form. My job is to support my son and myself. Fortunately, I have a good job, so that coupled with a lifetime of planning allows me to pay the bills. I'm not wealthy by any stretch of the imagination, but I do have family close by and that helps. He pays for his part of the auto insurance. The funny part of this (If there is one) is that the whore told people that she would be living in my new house, (it's only in my name and sits on my family's property) and that they (my spouse & her) would start out living in her mobile home while her soon to be ex husband was paying all of her bills. Who's the idiot here? SHe thought my spouse would support her and her 4 kids and pay her bills (he can't even pay his own.) She was a stay at home mother until this got out and her husband kicked her out. She didn't want to work . Now, she's in subsidized housing without her kids and my spouse is in his camper. (All the toys made it appear to her that my spouse had loads of money Let that be a lesson to the both of them....things aren't always as they appear....... |
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November 5, 2008, 2:48 pm PST
Quote From: ritehere If 6 year olds are consulted as to their personal wishes in adoption cases, then your daughter has a legitimate claim here. If I were her father, I would be more concerned with why she wants to dump his name than any personal feelings of "wrongness" on his part. It may be something as simple as the fact that it embarrasses her to explain to teachers and friends why her name is different than yours. Or it may be something else. If her father has a close relationship with her, this could still be an issue for her. I would suggest that you have family counseling including your ex. This way he won't feel that you are somehow talking your daughter into this. And also, your daughter will, hopefully, be able to get her feelings across so that you both understand what she is going through. Could you please tell me what the best thing to do, with old photos of myself,my girls dad and my girls as I am now divorced, from the girls dad. I also have wedding photos but was going to throw them out one day and my 9 year old daughter wanted to have them. I am not sure if that would be a good idea for her to have the photos as it may make it harder for her, to move on from the idea of the finality of the divorce. Could you please advise what photos I should allow her to keep, and what, not to keep. I do remember reading that we should embrace our past as they always influence who we become, but where should my boundaries lie, when it comes to old family photos of us. What pictures should she be able to keep and how should I address the issue, if its better for her to not have any pictures of the past???? Please help. |
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November 6, 2008, 8:06 am PST
Quote From: j_quantz When the balance tips to show that all the lying, cheating, misrepresenting, and betrayal has become more than all the good things you know about him and all the right things he has done. It is subjective, of course, and only YOU can know when that happens. There is no "right time/right way" in regards to this. It depends so much on who you are, how much you can tolerate and endure, and hinges on how quickly you can come out of denial and live in the current reality of your relationship. What that means is, how you view and think about your relationship needs to be focused on what it is now, not what is had been in the past, or who he presented himself to be when you were dating or first married. For you to say to yourself, "but I love him, but I took vows with him, but what if he wakes up smells the coffee after I have made the decision to end it"....and on and on, will not help you. Look, the past is gone and the future is unknown. All we have is what it is NOW. And, I also know that if your spouse isn't as invested as you are in repairing the relationship, your efforts will be in vain. You alone cannot make it happen. Yes, we make decisions based on what has transpired, what has happened and occurred in the past. It is that body of evidence that we have to weigh, consider, and analyze before we can come to a conclusion regarding it. However, if you have a cheating spouse whose main objective is to keep you in the dark, it is foolish to expect them to validate your findings,your gut feelings and your conclusions regarding them and how they have negatively affected the relationship. You then are pretty much on your own there, generally. And for him to say that he can't "give you 100%" because you aren't giving that much is insane. He's not giving 100% because he doesn't want to. Period. I understand not wanting to separate yourself from someone you love, someone who has been such a big part of your life for so long. I met my now-ex when we were 11 years old. He has/had been a part of my life for 40 years now. He was the love of my life, the only man I ever wanted, and whom I loved with everything I had to give. Unfortunately, I was not the love if his life. I was not the only woman he ever wanted. He did not love me with everything he had. I was the woman he chose to bear his offspring. Because of who I am, my propensity toward faithfulness, loyalty, and trust, he knew I would stay around to raise them. And, when they were raised (well, two of them were), he cast me off for a woman that was more like him in personality and proclivities. They are two of a kind, and very evenly matched in ways that he and I were not, such as history of drug use, promiscuity, unfaithfulness, and self-centeredness. But, that suits him fine, since he has no interest in "denying" himself the "joys" of doing whatever he wants to do whenever he wants to do it, including having multiple partners, smoking and dealing pot again (like he used to do in his teens,) and not being obligated to anyone or anything. Including his children. When my husband brought that stark reality home to me, I then had no choice but to let go and stop trying to rescue my marriage. There was nothing left to fight for. All my past inklings and evidence of something being very wrong in our marriage, all the counseling we went through, with him not embracing any kind of lasting change, had now come back to me like a nuclear blast. I hung in there until the bitter end. And am now paying the price for doing that. I have realized that my faithfulness, loyalty, and self-sacrificial personality had bitten me in the ass. My greatest strengths had also been my greatest weaknesses and my eventual undoing. All the precious gifts I had given my husband, namely my faith, my loyalty, my trust and my vulnerability, had been a grave mistake, because I gave them to the wrong person. And my humanness was not respected and cared for by him, because he cares for no one but himself. But I have learned these hard lessons. I am still trying to figure out who this new "me" is and balancing that out. I am endeavoring to reconcile my new reality with my personality. It's not easy. Sometimes I come off as strident and hard, since I don't take anyone's crap for too long now. Like I used to do. Sometimes I behave bitterly, due to what I allowed to happen to me, and struggle to recognize it and soften it. I am a reformed people pleaser, and, IMO, there's nothing worse than a "reformed" anyone- LOL!!! Sometimes I get judgmental about it in regards to others, and need to realize that everyone isn't going to accept me and be happy with me for doing that. But, I am just as human as they. Hope I helped you in some way. Good luck and keep posting. jjj It is so hard. We have had many talks and he says that this is what he wants. It is just so hard for me to believe him. I hate the fact that I may be stupid to let this happen again. It hurts and I feel like I love him less then I did yesterday, but I'm not sure if I'm protecting myself or if this is really happening. I told him I would open up 100 % hoping it would help us move on. Now that I've done that, I don't feel him. He says he is trying hard to prove that he loves me and wants me, but I don't feel it. I feel as if I'm a burden to him.
Talking to him does nothing, he just sweet talks everything and tells me what I want to hear. There are more times then none now that I sit back and look at the situation and honestly think there is no hope. |
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November 6, 2008, 9:02 am PST
Quote From: jnasset Hello everyone,
This might be a little long, but I have to state all the details to be fair. First I want to say that I have been with my husband for 11 years and married 7 of them. We also have 3 wonderful boys.
When we first starting dating, I cheated me him with my ex boyfriend who I thought I was in love with. I kept this from my husband for 3 years and finally came clean thinking it was the right thing to do. In October, November time frame of 1999 I found out I was pregnant with our first son. The cheating was over months before i found out i was carrying our son. Since then I have done nothing of the sort or even thought about doing such a thing.
Now my husband and I got married in 2001 while I was pregnant with our second son. In 2005 we had our third son. After having my third son I went to New York for my grandfathers 60th birthday party. While I was away my husband cheated on me and continued to after I got back until I caught him. Our youngest was 3 months old at the time and my husband begged for a second chance at our marriage. I was going to leave him then, but stupid me didn't.
We worked through our problems and I thought everything was going to be ok. Now he has done it again and this time it has hit me like a ton of bricks. I found phone records and put the pieces together. Asked him about it and he lied. I knew who she was, but he denied it because he knew from last time I would go straight to the other husband. This females husband is serving in Iraq right now coming home sometime in November. I have talked to them both and he says it's over. Now the phone number that he was calling he does not anymore. But after he stopped calling that one, he starting calling another which I believe is another phone of hers. He said it is his friends phone, but if I try and call it no one will answer it. He calls the number only when he is away from me.
I hate the person this has made me become. I have lost 12 pounds and am a crazy wife now. I look for mistakes on his part all the time. I track the phone records, I look on his history on his computer, question him where ever he goes. The bad part is I love him, but I think I'm starting not to. He has been a big part of my life for so long.
I have this gut feeling it is still going on but he denies it. It cause fights alll the time. I'm not sure if he is holding until he knows if her relationship is going to work or if he means what he says. He says he can't give me 100 % to fix the relationship if I'm only giving 40 %.
How do you know when to keep fighting or when to just let go??? The time to call it quits is when one or the other of you decides you just don't care enough to try anymore. I don't think either of you are there yet. Let me ask you something: what was your relationship like while you were cheating on your (then boyfriend)? Had you been seeing each other long? You said that you believed that you were in love with your ex boyfriend, so why were you dating your future husband? What was your mind-set at that time? When you confessed your affair to your husband, were you still seeing the other guy, or had you stopped? What prompted you to confess? How did your husband react at the time?
I know all of this is old history, but it may give a clue as to your husband's behavior. He may still be haunted by thoughts of your infidelity. This does not excuse his infideltiy, though. I'm not implying that you are at fault for his cheating, any more than he was at fault for yours. I'm just trying to get perspective. |
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November 6, 2008, 9:19 am PST
Quote From: j_quantz I appreciate your concern, truly. My daughter is going, and the more we express our concern, the more adamant she becomes. I have not seen her or talked to her in almost a month now. I saw her yesterday at our voting place. She was about 10 people ahead of me in line. I asked the guy behind me to hold my place in line, went up to her, tapped her on the shoulder, and when she turned around I took her in my arms and hugged and kissed her and told her I loved her very much. She replied that she loved me too. I asked her to call me soon so we could spend some time together just hanging out and enjoying each other's company. She said she would, and I went back to my place in line. I watched her take her ballot (it was her first time voting in a Presidential election) and go to the voting tables. Our town still uses paper ballots and ink pens to fill them out with. I gazed at her as she took this next step into adulthood and couldn't help tearing up. I am crying now just writing about it. Soon, so soon, she will be gone to Hawaii, and there is nothing I can do about it. When she got involved with a kid from Texas on the 'net two years ago I, my sons, and my two best friends and other members of my family did everything they could to talk her out of it. He eventually came to our town to visit her and she ended up losing her virginity to him. I knew from having contact with him that he was a liar and a phony, and when I met him my fears were confirmed. In fact, he was a carbon-copy of her father in personality and manner. And I wasn't the only one who saw through him. But she denied what we were telling her and refused to believe us. She "knew him." We did not. She and he even had "future spouse" and "will eventually get married" notices on their myspace pages. Well, after he had visited and had gotten what he came for, he stopped contact with her and took down all the pictures and notices regarding her off his myspace. She found out about his lies and misrepresentations about who he was. I had hoped that she had learned her lesson, because she took it so hard. But even after that she didn't want to discuss it with me or anyone else, because she did not want to admit that she had been wrong and we had been right. She sees my involvement, anyone's involvement, with her and her life as an intrusion and as a violation of her privacy. Because we cannot support her choices and decisions. And we will not say we think what she is doing is wonderful if it isn't. My oldest son has been trying and trying to talk to her, either on the cell or on the 'net. She will not take his calls or return his emails or IM's. My son and his wife are planning to visit me during Christmas, but she will be gone by then. According to my daughter, her bf, who is from Ohio, plans to visit his family (parents and siblings) during Christmas. He has said that he plans on coming up to Michigan to meet me. My daughter will be accompanying him to meet his parents. We'll see. He has told me not to worry, that he will take good care of her. I told him that I want her to learn to take care of herself, without having to be dependent on him, and what does a 29 yr old want with an almost 21 yr old? He told me that he "understands" my concerns, and that he would never do anything to hurt her. Yes, they won't be together all that much, due to his obligation to the Navy. He is out on the sub for weeks at a time. But I also found out that he shares his apt. off-base with a roommate. Another Navy guy. And I know absolutely nothing about him. Although my daughter says he is "nice." Gee, that eases my mind. My daughter plans to get a job at one of the hotels on Oahu as a kitchen assistant to a chef. My daughter is interested in going to culinary school, and currently works as a cook at a restaurant at Detroit Metro airport. She says that her bf knows someone that can get her in. He is paying to have her belongings shipped to Hawaii, including her car. He has already purchased her airline ticket to Honolulu. My daughter has some money saved up, the money she was going to use to attend culinary classes at a community college here that has an excellent culinary program. My daughter knows that I and her siblings and her family loves her and cares about her. And that, if anything goes wrong, to call her brother in California first, since he can get to her faster than I can. Other than that, I don't know what else I can do to discourage her. She has said that she was never happy here in Michigan, so I know that a large part of this is the excitement of moving to Hawaii. We moved from Mich. to California when she was 5, so she spent the bulk of her childhood there. She had tried for over a year to talk her paternal Aunt Cheryl into letting her move to San Francisco and move in with her and her aunt's partner Bill, but her aunt said no. She would not ask her father to move back to California to live with him, because he refuses to share him with his gf, the woman he cheated on me with, and her 20 year old daughter. So, I guess Hawaii sounds good to her. Other than kidnapping her and locking her in the basement, I don't know what else to do about it. Thank you for your prayers. Keep praying, hard. As I am. From what you've said, it sounds like your daughter is determined to prove both her parents wrong. She seems determined to show the world that true love DOES exist and she is going to show you. This is admirable, but she's going about it in a very self-destructive way. The force of one's wishing for something never affects the realtiy of a situation. On a very basic level, I would hazard a guess that this man is looking for somebody to take care of his daughter full time while he is on duty and gone for weeks at a time. He may or may not be concsiously rationalizing it this way, but you have to admit, he has a need in this area. Has your daughter heard anybody else's version of why he divorced this child's mother? This is another area you could look into, maybe even give this woman a call. It sounds like your daughter is going no matter what. She is not thinking clearly, so you must. At the very least, make sure you find out everything possible about him. The girl I mentioned above? When the police arrived from a neighbor's 911 call, they didn't think she was alive. They said it was the worst beating they had ever seen where the person was still alive. And these are Denver policemen! He had broken every bone in her face, among many others. I don't mean to scare you anymore than you already are, but you have not seen enough of this person to guage what he is really like, and neither has your daughter. And what of the "roommate"? This does not bode well at all! I would still give your husband a call and impress upon him what could be in store for his daughter.
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November 6, 2008, 9:28 am PST
Quote From: iamsofedup The police came out and filed a report dealing with the rabbit incident. I told two of my co workers about it and both of my parents know. I have tolerated alot of BS from him and his family and all of their sick sick ways (read getting along with your inlaws for that side of it). I think he now knows that I will not be a victim and that in and of itself has brought about changes in him. Once he realized that my life would go on and I was not going to curl up into a fetal position and die over him, he became alarmed. I do feel as if I have worked my way out of this marriage. I told him that he could never again hurt me or do anything else to me to humiliate me, now he suddenly wants a "do over". I do not support him in any shape or form. My job is to support my son and myself. Fortunately, I have a good job, so that coupled with a lifetime of planning allows me to pay the bills. I'm not wealthy by any stretch of the imagination, but I do have family close by and that helps. He pays for his part of the auto insurance. The funny part of this (If there is one) is that the whore told people that she would be living in my new house, (it's only in my name and sits on my family's property) and that they (my spouse & her) would start out living in her mobile home while her soon to be ex husband was paying all of her bills. Who's the idiot here? SHe thought my spouse would support her and her 4 kids and pay her bills (he can't even pay his own.) She was a stay at home mother until this got out and her husband kicked her out. She didn't want to work . Now, she's in subsidized housing without her kids and my spouse is in his camper. (All the toys made it appear to her that my spouse had loads of money Let that be a lesson to the both of them....things aren't always as they appear....... My ex did that too. When he sensed that I had moved on and wasn't heartsick over him anymore, he had an attack of concsience and wanted to work things out. He knew me so little.....all the time I was fighting for our marriage he just wanted to get away. By the time I had given up on him, it was not an act to get him to come back, it was for real and it was forever.
Years later, he found the woman he ran away with in bed with another man. He called me crying and very remorseful, apologizing because he now knew what he had done to me.
What goes around comes around..... |
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November 6, 2008, 9:41 am PST
Quote From: confused75 Could you please tell me what the best thing to do, with old photos of myself,my girls dad and my girls as I am now divorced, from the girls dad. I also have wedding photos but was going to throw them out one day and my 9 year old daughter wanted to have them. I am not sure if that would be a good idea for her to have the photos as it may make it harder for her, to move on from the idea of the finality of the divorce. Could you please advise what photos I should allow her to keep, and what, not to keep. I do remember reading that we should embrace our past as they always influence who we become, but where should my boundaries lie, when it comes to old family photos of us. What pictures should she be able to keep and how should I address the issue, if its better for her to not have any pictures of the past???? Please help. Your girls need reminders that you two love them, even if you don't love each other anymore. I would pick out pictures of them with their father, not all of them, but several. Let them pick out their favorite to frame and put in their bedroom(s), and put some of the others in a scrapbook. Alongside the pictures of them with their father should be pictures of you with them also, plus a framed photo of you with them. The rest of the photos with you and your ex together with them, and the wedding photos should be packed up and put away for them when they grow up, should they wish to have them. If and when you choose another partner, this person should have no problems with the displayed photos. Any displayed photos of you and the ex together would send a signal that you are not "done" with your ex emotionally. Also, any displeasure on the part of the new man over the displayed photos of just the daughters with their father would be a signal to YOU that he has questionable attitudes.
Does this sound OK to you? |
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November 6, 2008, 10:36 am PST
Quote From: jnasset It is so hard. We have had many talks and he says that this is what he wants. It is just so hard for me to believe him. I hate the fact that I may be stupid to let this happen again. It hurts and I feel like I love him less then I did yesterday, but I'm not sure if I'm protecting myself or if this is really happening. I told him I would open up 100 % hoping it would help us move on. Now that I've done that, I don't feel him. He says he is trying hard to prove that he loves me and wants me, but I don't feel it. I feel as if I'm a burden to him.
Talking to him does nothing, he just sweet talks everything and tells me what I want to hear. There are more times then none now that I sit back and look at the situation and honestly think there is no hope. to make that decision. As I previously posted, only you can decide when you have had enough. To risk giving the marriage more time to see if a change occurs, to again risk your heart and more of your precious time and precious life on something that has turned out to be so painful, is really what's so hard about this. What you have posted regarding his attitude alarms me. I can tell you both from experience and from knowledge from other women who have been in this situation, it sounds like he has checked out in many ways. Why, then, does he hold on? Why, then is he staying around, only to sweet-talk you and tell you what you want to hear? Unfortunately, the main reason why is because he is biding his time. And usually, the main reason for doing that is of a financial nature. Although there are probably other reasons as well. He may be getting his financial ducks in a row, to have a stronger position there. As an example, my ex-father-in-law, during his affair with his secretary, waited to leave his wife, my mother-in-law, until he could transfer the bulk of his financial holdings into his affair-partner's name. Then, after that goal was accomplished, he left her, filed divorce papers, and my MIL was left out in the cold. She got a minimum of child support and spousal support, and nothing else. My husband waited 18 months from the time I discovered his affair with the married co-worker he called his "soul-mate" before he finally moved out, at my insistence after I had caught them together. He was waiting to make sure that she was worth leaving me over. He was waiting for her to start her divorce from husband #2 and I believe they were looking for a place to move into together. He did feel some guilt about leaving his daughter, and didn't want to be known as "the bastard who cheated on his wife and abandoned his family." His "I'm a great guy" persona to others would have been damaged if he had. So, he waited until I couldn't take it anymore. Then he could blame me for making him leave. Yes, he left, but the interim gave him time to make other plans. He also did what your husband is doing- sweet-talked me, told me what I wanted to hear, acted as if everything was just hunky-dory, and claimed that he too was "giving it his all" to repair the marriage. Yes, I also loved my spouse less and less as time passed. I also got to the point where I didn't believe anything that came out of his mouth. I didn't "feel" him anymore either. And for good reason. My guts were telling me that this was an act on his part. That he was just stringing me along until HE was ready to leave. And I was so right. I also felt like a burden. Yes, giving up hope is tough. It is so hard. But, again, you have to deal with what is, trust your gut, stop discounting your intuition, and stop waiting for him to "prove it." My dear, he is proving it. You have the answer. You just don't want to accept it. If you are willing to take the risk of waiting around, hoping that your guts are wrong and that he will start acting as if he really means what he tells you, please be careful. The next time, which might prove to be your "enough", the "nuclear blast" I described in my last post, might also break your spirit, or damage your psyche, or break your heart to the point of despair. That is something that you simply can't afford to do. Not for him, not for anyone. But, this is your life, your marriage. Only you can make that decision. Unless he makes it for you, and I guarantee he will not have your best interests at heart when he does. Good luck. |
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