Topic : Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

Ok, not sure what to think about this.  Mike (my finace) and I have been fighting and he said that he was leaving Friday night but didn’t.  Saturday he slept most of the day and when he got up he asked me if I wanted to go for a ride with him, of course I said yes and my daughter watched the kids.  We went to a couple of stores and then went home.  We talked a little bit about how he was feeling and our problem.  I cried and we went to sleep.  I have been giving him his space but it is so hard not to touch him, kiss him, and love on him.  Sunday morning he was ‘frisky’, which didn’t really make a lot of sense to me.  If he was that upset with me, why would he still want to be intimate with me.  He still wasn’t as affectionate to me as he usually is but it wasn’t as bad.  He wanted to rent a movie & watch it with me.  We talked that night and I told him that it wasn’t easy for me to keep my hands off of him and he told me that it wasn’t easy for him either.  He said that he does love me but I hurt him.  We also talked about getting married.  I currently do not have insurance and I have anxiety and have been through so much this year since my Dad passed away that I feel that I need to go back on it.  I cannot get insurance through my work until December.  He said that we could get married so me and the kids would have insurance.  I told him that I didn’t want to marry him for that reason.  He said that it would be a long  time then before we got married. Monday he had to go to court for child support, he has to report every 3 months because it doesn’t come out of his check, and my 5 year old had a ENT appointment.  He said that he wanted me to still go to court with him, we would go to the doctor and then talk before we picked up all of the kids.  That plan got killed when it took too long at the courthouse.  I was very disappointed and he knew something was wrong.  I told him that I was just tired and had a lot on my mind.  Told him I made the counseling appointments and he was happy with that.   I think that he is now realizing that I do want to get things back to where they were. Now yesterday is what has confused me even more, it is like he has done a complete 180!  I don’t know if he has finally realized that what I told him wasn’t meant to hurt him & I didn’t mean to mislead him either.  Now he is acting like he is just fine.  Last night I mentioned that I had to call the reception hall because I have to give them at least a 30 day cancelation notice.  I told him that I could either see if they could hold the deposit and let them know something later or just get back our deposit.  He said that he didn’t know when to tell him & see if they can just hold it.  This doesn’t sound like a man that doesn’t want to marry me.  Has he just said all that stuff to see what reaction I would have?  I just don’t understand.  Can anyone give me some insight?? 

I've been married a little over two months.  Our relationship didn't get better, it got worse.  We talked about canceling the wedding plans but the invitations had gone out and so we went forward with the marriage.  I'm a young 62 and he is 55.  His wife cheated on him and he doesn't trust me.  I've never cheated and never will.  I feel I'm taking the heat for what his ex did to him.  I should have called off the wedding instead of worrying about what everyone would think.  Now I am in the position of having to "try."  He blames me and I keep reading Dr. Phil's books and my husband thinks I'm reading the books to find out what's wrong with him.  Right now I'm reading Self Matters and I told him it had nothing to do with him.  I can't do anything right.  I am staying in this marriage because I am on disability and will not be able to work again.  I never thought I would be in this mess...staying in a marriage because of being financially strapped.  My long-term disability has not paid and has been jerking my attorney around for 4 years.  I'm selling out myself because of $$$.  If you don't have to do it, don't marry him.  It only gets worse.  They blame you and then you feel worse about yourself.  You have a few nice days and you think you are back on track...wrong.  Mine went to anger management I found out when he was married.  I guess I would be angry if my spouse kept cheating on me and I was trying to keep my family together, but I don't want to take the heat for his anger.  He keeps it all inside and then blows.  I made a mistake.  But I would have made a bigger mistake if I had married the love of my life who was an alcoholic.  We went together for 12 years...two living together.  I loved his children but knew alcoholism only gets worse as you get older and I got out.  I'm really not sure which is worse.  It sounds like you can't do anything right.  CANCEL!!!  I know it is easier said than done, but I'm assuming you are a lot younger than me and have a lifetime ahead of you.  My life is at it's end.  That's what it feels like and it's not good.  If you do find a way to make it work, I wish you the best.

Thank you for letting me share my thoughts with you.  I hope it helps

I posted this on the depression board , but thought you may be able to help me here as well.  I could use any help I can get.

"Hello all!  I am here because I need your help.  I am not suffering from depression, but my husband is.  I have been married almost 12 years and we have two children.  He has been suffering from depression on and off for years.  I thought things were pretty good between us lately, but I was wrong. 

This past weekend he told me he wanted to leave.  That being around me made him miserable.  I was crushed.  I asked him if he was willing to stay and get help and he agreed.   He admitted that I did nothing wrong, that he just resents me and he doesn’t know why.

The other part of this story is that he drinks quite heavily.   Usually 10-12 beers a night every single day, no matter what.  I have been trying to convince him to quit for awhile because I know it can cause symptoms of depression.

We had our first counseling session yesterday and she also told him he needed tostop drinking.  Yesterday he didn’t have a single drink for the first time in years.  So I am happy about that, although I’m scared that won’t last.  I know it won’t be easy for him.  I have tried to be very supportive but he has been pretty cold to me the last couple days.  At first he was apologetic and felt guilty and still showed me signs that he still wanted to be with me.  I told the counselor that and she asked him if he was sending mixed signals and he said “yes, probably”.  Since that he has been careful to not give me any idea he may be happy with me.  After he got home from work, I don’t think he said 10 words to me.  That was very hard for me and when we went to bed (which no longer includes the ‘love you’ and kiss good night)  I started to cry and he did absolutely nothing to comfort me, so I turned to him and put my head on his arm and he laid there like a rock.  I felt so absolutely rejected and alone.

I don’t know what to do until we go back next week. I can’t live like this.  I really don’t think he wants to leave.  He cannot even think of what I have done to make him want to leave, so I’m pretty sure it is all the depression speaking out here.  I’m hoping you can all help me to understand what is going on in his mind.  I would like us to act as normal as possible until next week, for my sanity and for my children.  I also don’t think if we are going to work on this marriage that it is good for him to push me further away.

I apologize this is so long, but obviously I needed to let this out.  I have not told any of my friends or family.  I am so embarrassed to have to tell them that my husband doesn’t want to be with me anymore.  I appreciate any advice you can give me.  Thank you."

Today was a horrible day for me.  We did talk though, and what was going on is he thought that I was upset he was sending mixed signals.  I told him that those were the counselors words not mine.  To me they were his true feelings showing through.  That was what was giving me hope, so when he completely pulled away I lost hope.  He had to leave to go somewhere tonight and he gave me a kiss goodbye.  I didn't expect him to act normal, just not go out of his way to push me away.

I know he can't help this and I try to remember that and be supportive.  I know he loves me or he wouldn't be doing what he is doing.  I really think we have a good shot at working this out.  Thank you so much for your advice and your prayers for us.

You have to get in the support mode, not the victim mode maybe.  I will say, I have never dealt with this, but seeming like you are being helpful and not judgmental or cold, would really pull you closer to him.  He probably needs to feel supported.  Tell him that you want to help him.

Something struck me in one of your posts.  The statement about your family.  I am not sure what your counselor says, but when we were having marriage problems, our counselor told us to keep others out of it.  That means family and friends.  This problem is between you and him, do not involve others.  It will be damaging.  Family members and friends sometimes have a way of interjecting their opinion, but opinions are mostly not helpful.  Others may not be understanding or ever "forget" that your husband is an alcoholic or that you had problems and never look at him the same.  This does not help now and it will not help in the future.  Only get family involved when things are over with.  Until then, it should only include you, him and your counselor.

Good luck, Scott

I have been with my husband for a year. We were just married 1 month ago. I have been married before and had a very messy divorce. The result was 2 beautiful children and extremely low self esteem. For the following 3 years after the divorce I worked very hard on my self worth and was finally felling really good about myself, I bought my own house and managed to survive keeping my children happy and healthy. Then I met my husband. I love him dearly, he is everything to me (children aside) but we have our issues. We are both very stubborn people, but I constantly feel like I am the one appologizing. He says I nitpick and that I am very emotional. The nitpicking I really don't think I do, the emotional thing is true. I cry alot and for the last few months I have felt very down. Every time I try to talk about a problem he says its that time of the month again and often answers me with whatevers and here we go again. It is so frustrating! I still love to be with him although I wonder if he feels the same. He hardly ever initiates sex maybe once a month. I have initiated sex on several occations but I always feel like it is a chore for him. I have done the sexy dress up thing and been shot down (very hurtful) and now I don't want to do that anymore. I have been shot down so often with so many excuses, too tired is the current one. I don't know how to handle the rejection. It gets me so mad and hurt. This last time was two days ago and we haven't really talked since only on the phone at which time he told me he wasn't coming home. My reply was that if he didn't then he wouldn't...he slept on the couch.

Please help I love him with all of my heart but he is killing my self esteem. I don't know what I can do to make this work.

I am sorry that you are going through this, I can honestly say I know how it feels. You are not alone. When I was married to my first husband this was a huge issue. He too would hide it, and tell me the same thing that they were pop-ups from other sites and that it happens to everyone. Its not true. These sites do pop-up on rare occasions and sometimes inadvertantly you might type in the site I have to my surprise but if they are in the search engines and in the cookies of your computer than there is no way to say it is an accident.

This is definately something you have to deal with sooner rather than later. It can be damaging to a marriage my ended because of this and other issues, but this was a big one. It made me feel less of a woman, and I could never compete with photoshop! Try to remember that you are special and beautiful and you deserve to be respected. Best of luck to you and hang in there!