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November 21, 2007, 5:09 pm PST

Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

Quote From: trisha505

I have been married to my second husband for over 6 years now. Before we got married we both expressed that we didnt have a sexless marriage as that is what we had had before with other partners. He stressed this over and over before we got married. After we got married things seemed just fine. Before we were married he had been injured on the job. He worked as an EMT for an ambulance service.

He had to have surgery on his shoulder but it didnt work. Then Workmans Comp decided to send him to a pain management Dr. instead of paying for another surgery. This Dr. had him on all kinds of pain pills but none of them worked. Finally we had to settle with Workmans Comp to get away from that Dr. It took him almost a year to get off all the medications ( Morphine (long acting), Morphine (short acting) Demerol, Valium, Loratabs, Ambien, ) He was on all of these at the same time. It took him a year to be able to carry on a conversation, on these pills he was a zombie. But now after he is off of all these pills there is nothing happening. We havent had sex in over 3 years. He shows me no affection at all. When I ask him if he still loves me he says yes. but he never shows it. If I try and initiate anything he has one excuse of another. I have an extremely stessful job (correctional officer in an all Male Federal prison) . And it seems that the stress level at home isnt any better. I really dont know what to do. If I try and talk to him he just walks away. He said once that things dont "Work" on him anymore. If I say how about the little blue pill, he just gets mad. He will not go to the Dr. about it. So what am I suppose to do???

What a mighty tough position you find yourself in. I believe i would see a therapist, possibly a sex therapist and maybe a marriage therapist. Have you discussed this problem with a doctor? Even if he will not go, I would take it upon myself to look into it. Good luck my friend.

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trisha505

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November 21, 2007, 7:51 pm PST

Its been 3 years now

Quote From: upalnight

What a mighty tough position you find yourself in. I believe i would see a therapist, possibly a sex therapist and maybe a marriage therapist. Have you discussed this problem with a doctor? Even if he will not go, I would take it upon myself to look into it. Good luck my friend.

I have talked to his Dr. about this but she said unless he asks about it she cant do anything. We live in a very remote area. No Sex or Marriage therapists nearby. I guess Im stuck with no affection. Thanks for your reply

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beth80

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November 25, 2007, 10:18 am PST

Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

My fiance and I have been dating for 10 years. We became engaged in April, and moved in together in May. We are to be married next August. However, I've found myself not feeling very much "in love" with him. And it's really bothering me.

I fell in love with him very quickly, and always knew I'd marry him someday. For most of our relationship, I showed him a lot of love (and felt it, too). He, however, never returned it quite in kind (he's not very in touch with his emotions in general). Although, since we've been engaged, he's seemed much more loving and affectionate than ever before. (And I really don't want to lose that, and just wish I could go back to feeling the same way towards him).

When we got engaged, I was happy, but I didn't react the way other women do -- jumping up and down, crying, saying "yes" or "oh my God" over and over. And I'm generally a highly emotional and passionate person, so that's what I would have expected myself to do in that situation. To be fair, I did know that it was coming (although, I felt like it took him way too long to do it, and I'm a little resentful about that; and I also had to kind of push him to do it, because he kept saying he wanted to, but he was putting it off because of his anxieties about change). But, I guess I feel a little disappointed in the proposal and how it all happened. If I try to remember where I "lost that loving feeling", I think it was towards the beginning of the year, when I started feeling extremely frustrated by the lack of proposal, and considered moving on if it didn't happen before our 10 year anniversary.

Additionally, our sex life has been virtually non-existent. That started two years ago when my parents split up (and then divorced). During that whole ordeal I experienced the resurfacing of some very painful stuff (my dad molested me when I was about 11, and I never told anyone, but it sort of came up for me during the divorce). So, at first I couldn't stomach sex while dealing with my memories. But, eventually I worked through that (with the help of a therapist). However, now the lack of sexual desire still lingers. I want nothing more than to feel that "spark" again, and to go back to being the passionate, and interested lover I once was. But I just can't get interested in sex (I'm not really interested in sex with anyone else either -- not that I'd EVER have an affair).

I feel bad for him that he's being deprived too, of both love and sex. And I want desperately to have both back. I'm envious of other engaged couples who seem so completely in love, and I don't want to go through my wedding day feeling so lackluster. I'm an emotional crier, and I want to be able to cry (happily) at my wedding -- but right now it feels like I wouldn't.

Help! How do I rekindle my affectionate, romantic, sexual, passionate and "in-love" feelings for my fiance?

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thegirlfromoz

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November 29, 2007, 7:23 pm PST

I totally hear you!

Quote From: firebomb

my hubby and i are having that issue right now...he is angry with me right now and that means that he will not be speaking to me for at least a week and then he will finally explode and it will all be because he did not get sex when he thought was due...at least that is the impression that I get....I hate not knowing what he is thinking...but on the other hand, if he is going to act like a child and not sleep in our bed and not speak to me...I feel like that when he does not get what he wants, he just starts to whine....but I am going to act my age and just let him get over it....I know that my husbnad would like for me to do the same that your wife does for you, but i am not confidnet enuff in myself to do that...we have been married for almost 6 years now and have two kids...sometimes i think that he is comparing me to the women that he spends time looking at when he is online checkin out the porn!!!! if this relates to anyone,please respond

Hi firebomb,

I have d same situation with my dear hubby,and at this present moment he is giving me "the silence treatment" because he didn`t get sex when he thought it was due to happen,same as yours!oh my god,i can`t believe that men are actually like that,that EVERYTHING depends if they got sex today or not,and the thing is,they never ask for the reason that the SEX didn`t happen ,maybe we really don`t feel well,or too tired doin the things round the house makin it nice n tidy FOR THEM,working,taking care of kids,but they don`t understand it.I know my husband would be ready for sex in d middle of d nite,sick or healthy,only if he is tired and fall asleep on couch,thats an exeption.

And now because he didn`t get any sex,everything is going down,he`s not listening to me to talk about the issue,he gives up everything,the whole world has stopped!

He is ,or already was on the phone to his parents sayin how I`m bad wife n all,and they can`t wait to hear somethin like that,coz they never liked me anyway,"their poor son,sufferin so much!

OH WHAT A BUNCH OF CRAP!

I`m sorry,I didn`t help you much with some advice or sugestion what to do,coz frankly I haven`t figured out yet how to tame a childish grownup person of my own,but at least u know u r not alone,coz I felt better reading ur msg,and knowing I`m not the only one.

whish all the streangth u need to figure it out

thegirlfromoz

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emy2101

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November 30, 2007, 7:34 am PST

Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

Quote From: thegirlfromoz

Hi firebomb,

I have d same situation with my dear hubby,and at this present moment he is giving me "the silence treatment" because he didnt get sex when he thought it was due to happen,same as yours!oh my god,i cant believe that men are actually like that,that EVERYTHING depends if they got sex today or not,and the thing is,they never ask for the reason that the SEX didnt happen ,maybe we really dont feel well,or too tired doin the things round the house makin it nice n tidy FOR THEM,working,taking care of kids,but they dont understand it.I know my husband would be ready for sex in d middle of d nite,sick or healthy,only if he is tired and fall asleep on couch,thats an exeption.

And now because he didnt get any sex,everything is going down,hes not listening to me to talk about the issue,he gives up everything,the whole world has stopped!

He is ,or already was on the phone to his parents sayin how Im bad wife n all,and they cant wait to hear somethin like that,coz they never liked me anyway,"their poor son,sufferin so much!

OH WHAT A BUNCH OF CRAP!

Im sorry,I didnt help you much with some advice or sugestion what to do,coz frankly I havent figured out yet how to tame a childish grownup person of my own,but at least u know u r not alone,coz I felt better reading ur msg,and knowing Im not the only one.

whish all the streangth u need to figure it out

thegirlfromoz

I think that both of you have a real problem but you have to deal with and the reason of this issue is, maybe in the first days, weeks or years, you gave him a bad habit is to have sex more than 2 times a week.

Now, you're so tired, you have kids, you have responsibilities, so you're so exhausted to have sex, but don't forget it's his right, and if you don't satisfy it, he may look for other girls and i'm sure that you don't want to get to that situation

So there are many solutions for this issue, he have to help you to take care of the kids and all that stuff if he wants to have sex, you have to involve him but you have to have the desire to do it, and if not you will feel that it's just like an obligation and it's the worse thing that i can't imagine.

take your time, make up your mind and think again, maybe you are able to have sex onece a week or once in 2 weeks, i think it's not so hard and it's just about love.

The most important thing is that you have to make him learn just one habit and it depends on your ability

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michiyamo

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December 4, 2007, 11:28 pm PST

WOW

Quote From: thegirlfromoz

Hi firebomb,

I have d same situation with my dear hubby,and at this present moment he is giving me "the silence treatment" because he didnt get sex when he thought it was due to happen,same as yours!oh my god,i cant believe that men are actually like that,that EVERYTHING depends if they got sex today or not,and the thing is,they never ask for the reason that the SEX didnt happen ,maybe we really dont feel well,or too tired doin the things round the house makin it nice n tidy FOR THEM,working,taking care of kids,but they dont understand it.I know my husband would be ready for sex in d middle of d nite,sick or healthy,only if he is tired and fall asleep on couch,thats an exeption.

And now because he didnt get any sex,everything is going down,hes not listening to me to talk about the issue,he gives up everything,the whole world has stopped!

He is ,or already was on the phone to his parents sayin how Im bad wife n all,and they cant wait to hear somethin like that,coz they never liked me anyway,"their poor son,sufferin so much!

OH WHAT A BUNCH OF CRAP!

Im sorry,I didnt help you much with some advice or sugestion what to do,coz frankly I havent figured out yet how to tame a childish grownup person of my own,but at least u know u r not alone,coz I felt better reading ur msg,and knowing Im not the only one.

whish all the streangth u need to figure it out

thegirlfromoz

I had a baby 6 months ago and was on bedrest for 4 months and sex stopped. I have not been in he mood because I had 2 surgeries and have just started to feel up to that. My husband has complained a couple of times but I told him I was very ill and he needed to be understanding that it was not him at all it was my physical condition (I had kidney problems during pregnancy) and had a c section. plus being a mom has been tough because I am still in a lot of pain. He has been understanding and yes I miss being close. But I think your husband is very manipulative and immature emotionally. I can't believe he actually talks to his parents about your sex life. That is total enmeshment. He sounds pathological and does not sound like he cares too much about your feelings. I would tell him if he keeps up his attitude divorce court is not too far off. I know men associate sex with love. Womena associate love with attention so I would tell him until he stops using emotional blackmail to manipulate you he won't get any sex. I would tell him he needs counseling. I am sorry you feel used and abuse but he is very manipulative. God for bid you ever get sick.

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michiyamo

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December 4, 2007, 11:38 pm PST

PTSD

Quote From: beth80

My fiance and I have been dating for 10 years. We became engaged in April, and moved in together in May. We are to be married next August. However, I've found myself not feeling very much "in love" with him. And it's really bothering me.

I fell in love with him very quickly, and always knew I'd marry him someday. For most of our relationship, I showed him a lot of love (and felt it, too). He, however, never returned it quite in kind (he's not very in touch with his emotions in general). Although, since we've been engaged, he's seemed much more loving and affectionate than ever before. (And I really don't want to lose that, and just wish I could go back to feeling the same way towards him).

When we got engaged, I was happy, but I didn't react the way other women do -- jumping up and down, crying, saying "yes" or "oh my God" over and over. And I'm generally a highly emotional and passionate person, so that's what I would have expected myself to do in that situation. To be fair, I did know that it was coming (although, I felt like it took him way too long to do it, and I'm a little resentful about that; and I also had to kind of push him to do it, because he kept saying he wanted to, but he was putting it off because of his anxieties about change). But, I guess I feel a little disappointed in the proposal and how it all happened. If I try to remember where I "lost that loving feeling", I think it was towards the beginning of the year, when I started feeling extremely frustrated by the lack of proposal, and considered moving on if it didn't happen before our 10 year anniversary.

Additionally, our sex life has been virtually non-existent. That started two years ago when my parents split up (and then divorced). During that whole ordeal I experienced the resurfacing of some very painful stuff (my dad molested me when I was about 11, and I never told anyone, but it sort of came up for me during the divorce). So, at first I couldn't stomach sex while dealing with my memories. But, eventually I worked through that (with the help of a therapist). However, now the lack of sexual desire still lingers. I want nothing more than to feel that "spark" again, and to go back to being the passionate, and interested lover I once was. But I just can't get interested in sex (I'm not really interested in sex with anyone else either -- not that I'd EVER have an affair).

I feel bad for him that he's being deprived too, of both love and sex. And I want desperately to have both back. I'm envious of other engaged couples who seem so completely in love, and I don't want to go through my wedding day feeling so lackluster. I'm an emotional crier, and I want to be able to cry (happily) at my wedding -- but right now it feels like I wouldn't.

Help! How do I rekindle my affectionate, romantic, sexual, passionate and "in-love" feelings for my fiance?

You are having some post traumatic stress problems. It is often very normal with victims of sexual abuse. Survivors of sexual often disassociate from their feelings to protect them from trauma. This reaction cannot be selective (meaning only cutting off feelings from your dad) they are very pervasive and in time you will eventually develop desire once again but you must work through the painful memories and deal with the trauma. I would tell your partner that you are dealing with these feelings and the lack of desire you have has nothing to do with how much you love him. I would try to find some books he can read to help him understand your feelings and the trauma you experienced. But this is very normal how you are feeling and if you continue therapy it won't last forever. I would also see a sex therapist to help you learn how to deal with sexual abuse and to learn to desire sex again. Good luck and believe me you are not alone in your feelings. Just reach out to your partner and communicate you feelings so you can learn to trust him and this will help develop closeness that can eventually be transformed into sexual desire. Good luck

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leonaeadie

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December 6, 2007, 5:55 pm PST

How do I get over a past bf?

Hi, I have been dating my boyfriend for 2.5 years now and I love him a lot. After so many years, I often find myself still thinking and missing the previous boyfriend prior to my current one. I have dated the previous one for under a year, however I fell in love with him almost instantly and have felt so strong about him throughout the short one year, he ended our relationship saying he didn't love me as I loved him and that was it. He won't allow me to talk to him through email. Almost three years later and I still miss him... I want to move on with my life and build one with my wonderful and sexy current boyfriend, but the memories and the missing him is haunting me! I desparately seek good advise on how I can overcome this unneccessary feeling that I cannot seem to get rid of!!!

Anyone?

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janerand

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December 10, 2007, 12:53 pm PST

What am I supposed to do?

I don't even know where to put his post but we'll see...My husband and I have been married for a little over two years and dated for four years before we got married. He used to always talk about wanting to go into the navy seals when we were dating and I wasn't sure if he was really that serious but I hinted that if that was the case that we more than likely wouldn't stay together...not because I didn't support that but I think that people in those extreme situations don't have the time it takes to be married with kids and it's just not the life I wanted....so it never came up seriously in my opinion considering he never tried to apply and didn't bring it up much after about 2 years of dating...a few days ago I brought up that he doesn't seem to be happy, not regarding me but just in general, he doesn't seem happy and that reflects me and our relationship...so he said he just isn't where he thought he would be in his life and he just never did the things he thought that he would...basically saying that's why he isn't happy...he brought up the whole navy seals thing and I said well why didn't you do it then and he said because I was chosening the better option but basically he was saying he thought he was...i told him if I had known that he felt that way or would resent me for it that he should never have married me and he said he doesn't feel that way....whatever...I just feel sick to my stomach and can't eat and can't even look at him much less be intimate with him...we had been talking about starting a family this month, before all that and now I just feel like he wishes he had chosen differently and I just don't think that is fair to me...so what am I supposed to do about it now? I said go ahead and do it then if you feel that strongly and I guess I will just be screwed in the process and he said that he has passed the age cut off...any advice for me?

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janerand

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December 10, 2007, 3:20 pm PST

EX-Boyfriend for a reason.

Quote From: leonaeadie

Hi, I have been dating my boyfriend for 2.5 years now and I love him a lot. After so many years, I often find myself still thinking and missing the previous boyfriend prior to my current one. I have dated the previous one for under a year, however I fell in love with him almost instantly and have felt so strong about him throughout the short one year, he ended our relationship saying he didn't love me as I loved him and that was it. He won't allow me to talk to him through email. Almost three years later and I still miss him... I want to move on with my life and build one with my wonderful and sexy current boyfriend, but the memories and the missing him is haunting me! I desparately seek good advise on how I can overcome this unneccessary feeling that I cannot seem to get rid of!!!

Anyone?

Believe me when I tell you that you DO NOT want to be hanging on to your ex-boyfriend regardless of how you feel because he didn't love you...I cannot imagine ANYTHING worse than continuing a relationship with someone that didn't feel the same way...what's the point??? You should be with someone that loves you as much as you loved the idea of your ex and vice versa...speaking of your current boyfriend isn't the one either because if he was you wouldn't even be thinking about your ex, trust me...this will be the best advice you ever get, break up with him and stay single until you find something that makes you as happy as you can possibly be and they feel the same way about you...otherwise marriage is totally pointless.

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Topic : Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

Its been 3 years now

Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

I totally hear you!

Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

WOW

PTSD

How do I get over a past bf?

What am I supposed to do?

EX-Boyfriend for a reason.