Topic : Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

thanks for the advice, it helps a lot...I did ask him to be specific at the time and he said things like, of course not being in the military, being in debt, getting out of shape, just not having time to do any of those things and he said he doesn't even have time to spend with me...He just turned 29 and I think that is getting to him and all of a sudden reality is setting in that all our money goes to debt (stupid things we spent it on)...so it feels like we're working for nothing and don't have time to do things that we actually want to do...I am glad he is honest and feels like he can tell me but it just hurts to know that being with me isn't enough for him...I wish that I could support him and encourage him to think abou the military now but I don't feel like that is fair...I made it clear that wasn't what I wanted and now because he changed his mind I should as well? I just don't know if I should change my mind for him or if I should stick to how I feel about it. We both know it would have been difficult to become a Navy Seal but if anyone can do it, it would have been him...he has been an elite athlete and has held records since highschool and all through college, he has it-mentally and physically...he would have been great at it. I tried to encourage him to follow the other dreams but he says that he just doesn't have time to persue any of that and it has made him depressed and not fun to be around...

Well I am sitting down thinking of what to write down , I just want to get it all out of my heart at least I will get some relief and support . It all started from our first day of marriage , before I got married I knew that my husband was married and had a child in which it ended with divorce because she cheated on him twice . well my story is that I went to stay with him in his parents house as this is normal in our culture . i had a room of my own on the second floor . When I first entered the room in which I am going to stay in I found things that belong to his ex wife like her underwear and things that belonged to her even the bed covers and the pillow cases were not changed , I also found letters and cards from my husband to her telling her how much he loved her and that she meant the world to him . He has divorced her a year before getting married to me and in our culture the room has to be cleaned before a new wife comes in . I was shocked that my husband still had things that belonged to her , I asked him why didn’t you clean your room before letting me come in it , he replied that he was busy and didn’t care what was in the room ???? I was furious , I went and changed the whole furniture and the duvet and everything that was in the room from my pocket so that I would get rid of his past for good . His mother is a great lady but at the begning of our marriage when I go down stairs and sit with her she used to say things that hurt me so bad inside , she told me that his ex wife was so pretty and she said that she used to take care of her self and dye her hair and ect…… she also wanted to show me the tape of his marriage to his ex , I refused basically . Every day she would say things about his ex wife and that he was also married to another women before his ex wife in which I wasn’t informed by my husband he told me that he was only engaged , but frankly he was married to her for 6 months and divorced and I found out that he was also engaged to one before her too . My husband told me this when I asked him that his mother told me about his marriage to the one before his ex wife he just told me the truth. I felt betrayed and I lost the trust that I had for him inside this is when the problems started . He loves his daughter so much that he talks about her every day and every hour , I love his daughter too , but the problem is that he talks to his ex wife regarding his daughter . I don’t have a problem with that but everyother day she will come up with something new . She will send him a message saying his daughter is sick and she needs pampers and milk in which he gives her money every month and has put a maid for his daughter . One day she got angery coz I called the maid to ask about his daughter , she called my husband and told him that she doesn’t want me to call to ask about his and her daughter and my husband told me not to call her again and I haven’t since then . when we take his daughter during celebrations she calls him and asks him how he thinks about his daughters dress. I was really angry and told him to stop talking to her and talk to the maid , he told me anything that concerns his daughter is more important than anything in this world including me . he said if your not happy with that you can go back home to your parents . He told me that his love for his daughter is more than anything in this world even if his ex calls 1000 thosand times a day concerning his daughter . he also told me that even if I had children from him his daughter will be more precious . I was shocked from what I herd and I was so hurt inside , I felt that he still loved his ex and I felt I couldn’t trust my husband coz I was checking his phone everyday and asking him if she spoke to him . he told me that I had a problem and I had low self esteem everytime I would argue about his ex wife that she should stop interfering with our life . I never felt so down in my life this way he was telling me that she didn’t mean anything to him but deep down inside that all this love for his daughter and that he would do anything his ex tells him let me feel that he still loved his ex wife . I had to check his phone everyother day and I knew it was wrong for me to do that but I felt she was trying to get him back . He told me that before we got married she was trying to get him back so many times .that made me feel inscure with her calling or talking to my husband coz when she calls she would use that small tone of voice talking sweetly to him . I only see my husband for a 2 to three hours a day coz he goes to a coffe shop from 1 to 3 pm and from 7 to 12 at night every day I have spoken to him about this since day one of our marriage that I want him to at least stay with me for a few hours so we can chat and get to know each other more or talk at least from 3pm to 7pm he will be sleeping so when will I have time to sit with him . he only takes me out on Thursdays or Fridays but we have to finish early so he can go back to his coffe shop . I felt all alone and didn’t have anyone . I got pregnant with my first child , he was never at him most of the time and I would cry secretly , deep down inside I was sad and upset after 5 weeks of pregnancy I started bleeding and had to have some bed rest he was never there when I needed him most and was always in that coffe shop of his . I went to do un ultrasound a week after and found out that the baby was dead . I was devastated deep down inside I felt so sad and hurt , even when I was bleeding when he took me to hospital he called in front of me to ask about his daughter , that really hurt me coz I felt that he knew that baby was going to day and he was happy that he had a daughter . he also told me at least I know how father hood is but you still don’t have a baby of your own yet . that was like a knife through my heart . I was in hospital for three days I had sever deyhydration and they put capsules for the baby to come down and at the end they did the d &c . I was hurt and I cryed for days till this day that my baby died and what hurt me more is that he said to me that the baby died because I was talking bad about his ex that’s why god punished me , I felt depressed of what he said and I told him that I will never forget his words to me . a week after my abortion he decided to take me for a small vaction outside the country but I told him not to tell his ex wife but he told that maid that we are traveling in case something happens to his daughter so I was ok with that . when we were on vacation she texted him and told him to find a doctor in the place we were in that was good for his daughters eyes . I got into a fight with him coz I felt like she was interfering with us all the time . I just want to know what do I have to do to overcome that I cant trust my husband with her coz I feel that he still has feeling with her can someone tell me what to do . he is a loving and caring person and he still tells me that she means nothing to him but from my side of view I still feel there is love there in his heart , I just felt he wasn’t upset when my baby died and that hurt me most he said that he doesn’t like to show his feelings ????????????? I just want to know how can I trust my husband not going back to her . he said to me that how he can go back to a cheater and I let him swear that he doesn’t have no love for her in his heart and he did . he told me if he goes back to her then he is not a man . please help me how can I trust my husband not going back to her, I am  so depressed after my abortion coz I still remember the heart beat of my child on the ultrasound  .The sad thing is that I still feel he loves her and he says he doesn’t I just want to know what to do . he keeps telling me that you’re the best women ever in this world and I don’t believe him at all

Please help

Yesterday he brought his daughter over and when she was leaving she wanted to come back to me and started shouting my name . her mother called the maid and the maid said that she wanted to play with the children and my husband told her the same thing too . that hurt me coz he didn’t say the truth that his daughter wanted me . he said to me that he said that coz his wife doesn’t coz problems because of getting jelous . I was hurt coz he lied to make her happy and make me sad.bare in mind that we are from a different culture and my marriage was arranged and now I am married to my husband for 5 months

 

 

Help me

Please

 Where do I start? I have been married 10 years, I have two children 8 and 2. My husband and I are always fighting...about everything. We are completely different people with different interests. He is a work-a-holic (80-90) hrs a week, which leaves me taking care of of the house, the children, and I go to school full time. He is always complaining of me spending his money, and never being home. I travel 3 hrs everyday to attend school. I have never and would never cheat on him. He is a good man, he has never hit me, he doesn't drink or smoke. I think we just grew apart. He wants to go for help to our local minister(I suggested a marriage counciler, but that cost money he says). I have agreed to go and try. I must mention that our marriage has been strained for some time now. Any opinions and advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

You have my sympathy at the loss of your child. I'm sorry I don't understand your culture and I don't know how to help you. My heart aches for you. From your description I feel you are correct that he is not 'over' his ex-wife. This issue of 'trust' was what he claimed destroyed their marriage and you should be allowed to bring that up to him that he is driving such a wedge between you. I do hope you find a confidant that has the insight to stand with you and support you. If not I hope you will stand tall for yourself. Don't use his daughter to gain favor. Be a good step-mother, work hard to be fair and not take anything from or away from this child - she has done nothing but exist. Peace be with you - L

Okay - if there are any men that are over 50 on this website. Give me some ideas of what 'you' consider romantic and that would make you smile and want to be closer to your wife. Please.

Thank you lily for the reply . well when you told me that he still has feelings for his ex , i asked him if he still does have feelings for her and he replied that he has no feelings at all .

i love him but i want to trust him . the feeling of trust  is not there

 

Today isn't a good day for me to be offering advice or referring to Dr Phil. :) I'm afraid I'm feeling low myself and like I'm not getting anywhere -

HOWEVER, in the past I have found some very encouraging thoughts in his Family First plans - have you read through those?

Your husband is going to have to earn your trust. You can't just decide to give it to him. You can forgive and start anew but you can't just say 'I trust you' it doesn't work like that. And it will take time. That's the part that is so hard - but anything worth having usually takes some time and effort I have found.

Hello, and first off, thank you for taking time to listen to my story.

I have been married 2 years, been together 5, and I feel like my marriage is falling to pieces.  My husband doesn't communicate very well, and I just really get the feeling he doesn't see how important marriage is and he is sometimes so disrespectful.  I got him into psychotherapy for depression and severe anxiety.  He was drinking frequently prior to this, self-medicating, if you will.  He is now on an antidepressant and seemed to be doing great for quite some time.  Things aren't as bad as they were, but I can tell we are on the downhill slide again.  Everything I say to my husband is not HEARD.  I have voiced to him all the hurtful things he does, and how sad I am, and pour my heart out to him, and he doesn't bat an eye.  I hate to say it, but I don't think he respects me.  He doesn't seem to care at all.  For instance, he works 6 days a week, and tonight, he came straight home from work, showered, and left to go play poker.  I am here alone..again.  I know what you may be thinking, but I know he isn't cheating on me.  We just don't spend any time together, and I can't talk to him about anything. 

A little more about my hubby:  His parents divorced when he was about 4. His dad is an alcoholic, newly retired from the army.  His mother is wonderful and raised him and his brother.  His mother's side of the family is the picture pefect family.  Family is everything, very nice and good-hearted, etc.  His dad moved from Texas almost 2 yrs ago to about 20 minutes from us.  My hubby's relationship with his father has always been strained.  Hubby goes back and forth whether he wants to be in his dad's life or not. By his dad's actions, he could care less if he ever saw him again. He recently told me something NO ONE else knows:  his dad would beat him when he was drunk.  He wants to confront him, but something is holding him back.  He is afraid he can't do it without a full blown altercation with him.  Hubby also has anger issues.  He has never hit me, but in our latest arguement, he threw his blackberry in the kitchen.  He also has in the past punched doors, etc.  I'm hesitant to even discuss anything with him because I am afraid of him going off.  I cry everytime he does it and have anxiety b/c I also had a dad who was an abusive alcoholic and seeing that triggers my past.  He knows that, yet he still does it.  Same with other stuff.  (this is the disrespect stuff I am talking about)

 

I guess I just want to know, do you think I am fighting a losing battle, or what can I do to better the situation, and how can I get through to him that things NEED to change?

I am fighting with all I've got to keep our marriage together, but I don't know how much more I can do.

 

Does anyone have any advice?

OK , I AM WILLING TO TRY ANYTHING!!

 

I HAD A PART.HYS. 6yrs AGO AND O's REMOVED 3yrs AGO.  I AM HAVING PROBLEMS WITH MY LIBDO.  THIS IS TOTALLY EMBARRASSING. I AM ONLY 37yrs OLD AND DON'T LIKE THIS.  MY HUSBAND IS A EXCELLENT LOVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOULDN'T CHANGE THAT.

 

DOES ANYONE ELSE OUTTHERE HAVE THIS PROBLEM?

Thanks to some encouragement from someone on this website - iamgee are you out there? -

I'm going to keep trying. LOL - I did watch the 'Don't be the girl' show even though I've been married FOREVER! - I don't want to be the desperate housewife!

Anyway - I'm still plugging along - don't give up never give up ... don't give up never give up!