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Topic : Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

Number of Replies: 1032
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Created on : Sunday, September 17, 2006, 04:03:12 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Has the fire gone out in your love life? Share your ways to reignite romance in your relationship.

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September 18, 2006, 6:26 am CDT

Not a expert, but

I have been married for 16 years and have 3 kids.  We have our issues like everyone does.  Stress, jobs, self esteem, relationship challenges, kids issues, etc... but, we found romance again by finding something to do together that we both love.  We purchased a motorcycle.  We found that buying one, we can be out together, talk about our days, and just get out away from everything.  We can still ride with others, so we can have mutual friends.  While we are going down the rode, it is just her and I even if we are riding in a group.  It has caused some excitement in the bedroom as well.  I can ask her to wear her chaps to bed for me, dress up like my naughty biker girl, so we can even use the attire for role playing.  Buying the motorcyle has been one of the best things we ever did together.  As you can tell from the story, the key to the success has been: spending more time together, communicating with each other more, and getting around other people who like what we like.  The extra benefit has been the renewed sex life and excitement that comes with that.  We have learned from other people's realtionships failures that you must do more together, not less to get along.  Good luck to everyone.
 
September 18, 2006, 2:12 pm CDT

must be nice...

Quote From: westmoneypit

I have been married for 16 years and have 3 kids.  We have our issues like everyone does.  Stress, jobs, self esteem, relationship challenges, kids issues, etc... but, we found romance again by finding something to do together that we both love.  We purchased a motorcycle.  We found that buying one, we can be out together, talk about our days, and just get out away from everything.  We can still ride with others, so we can have mutual friends.  While we are going down the rode, it is just her and I even if we are riding in a group.  It has caused some excitement in the bedroom as well.  I can ask her to wear her chaps to bed for me, dress up like my naughty biker girl, so we can even use the attire for role playing.  Buying the motorcyle has been one of the best things we ever did together.  As you can tell from the story, the key to the success has been: spending more time together, communicating with each other more, and getting around other people who like what we like.  The extra benefit has been the renewed sex life and excitement that comes with that.  We have learned from other people's realtionships failures that you must do more together, not less to get along.  Good luck to everyone.

 

my hubby and i are having that issue right now...he is angry with me right now and that means that he will not be speaking to me for at least a week and then he will finally explode and it will all be because he did not get sex when he thought was due...at least that is the impression that I get....I hate not knowing what he is thinking...but on the other hand, if he is going to act like a child and not sleep in our bed and not speak to me...I feel like that when he does not get what he wants, he just starts to whine....but I am going to act my age and just let him get over it....I know that my husbnad would like for me to do the same that  your wife does for  you, but i am not confidnet enuff in myself to do that...we have been married for almost 6 years now and have two kids...sometimes i think that he is comparing me to the women that he spends time looking at when he is online checkin out the porn!!!!  if this relates to anyone,please respond 

 
September 18, 2006, 3:34 pm CDT

I'm no expert again, but

Quote From: firebomb

 

my hubby and i are having that issue right now...he is angry with me right now and that means that he will not be speaking to me for at least a week and then he will finally explode and it will all be because he did not get sex when he thought was due...at least that is the impression that I get....I hate not knowing what he is thinking...but on the other hand, if he is going to act like a child and not sleep in our bed and not speak to me...I feel like that when he does not get what he wants, he just starts to whine....but I am going to act my age and just let him get over it....I know that my husbnad would like for me to do the same that  your wife does for  you, but i am not confidnet enuff in myself to do that...we have been married for almost 6 years now and have two kids...sometimes i think that he is comparing me to the women that he spends time looking at when he is online checkin out the porn!!!!  if this relates to anyone,please respond 

I think that the time that people spend away from their spouse for anything other than work, kids or necessity, is time that should be spent for their partner.  I think that porn is OK, I am a guy though.  But porn is used for our pleasure at our house.  If your husband is looking at something else or for something else, then he is missing out on time that he should be using spending time with you.  You need to find the balance of his time to spend relaxing and venting to the time that you need him.  I hope you realize that porn is not the culprit, but that you have some communication isuues in your relationship. The time spend online is only a symptom of a real problem.  If he is acting like a child then her should not be upset when he is called one.  If there is a problem that needs to get resolved, the problem will not go away until you are both willing to deal with it like adults.  What ever the main issue is, figure it out and take care of it.  My feeling is that you are dealing with what many people have dealt with and that is that your relationship is changing.  You have kids, the fun is on hold, life is more challenging than fun, you do not like your job, he does not like his job, you do not have enough money, etc...  I can go on forever, but the fact is that you must both change with life if you want to stay together.  Ask him what is really bothering him.  If that is too difficult, have him write it down.  The you give him some time to explain his feelings openly.  If he writes it down and gives you time to think about it, you will not react.  Instead you must take it in, think about what he is trying to say, then let him talk while you listen.  Tell him that you want to do the same thing and you expect the same response.  The follow through.  When he does it, react politely and respectfully.  Then hopefully, he will do the same thing in return.  I found that in many relationships that I have talked about with friends, many married people lose the appreciation.  It only takes a simple "thank you" or "you look really nice today" to boost the mood and attitude of the other person.  When you get married, you just have to figure out how the other person is changing, express the way you feel, compromise or accept.  Then the key is "both of you need to get over it and move on"!  Looking at other woman, avoiding conflict, not spending as much time with you are not always driven from disliking you.  It may be he has an issue that you are not understanding or you have an issue that you are not either dealing with or he is afraid to tell you about.  Moral of the story:  Figure out how to fight fair!!!  Figure out how to talk and compromise fair!!!  Both parties win and before you know it, you are the sexiest woman on earth.  Hope this helps.  It has help me for 16 years.

 
September 19, 2006, 8:13 am CDT

Set the mood

Quote From: firebomb

 

my hubby and i are having that issue right now...he is angry with me right now and that means that he will not be speaking to me for at least a week and then he will finally explode and it will all be because he did not get sex when he thought was due...at least that is the impression that I get....I hate not knowing what he is thinking...but on the other hand, if he is going to act like a child and not sleep in our bed and not speak to me...I feel like that when he does not get what he wants, he just starts to whine....but I am going to act my age and just let him get over it....I know that my husbnad would like for me to do the same that  your wife does for  you, but i am not confidnet enuff in myself to do that...we have been married for almost 6 years now and have two kids...sometimes i think that he is comparing me to the women that he spends time looking at when he is online checkin out the porn!!!!  if this relates to anyone,please respond 

My hiusband dont look at porn, for I am against it, and vice versa.  I "used" to be a "pouter" also when I didnt get my way and run to the couch. It even made me madder, that he didnt come and get me off the couch and ask me to go to bed. I did that because I was wanting him, to want  me, in my own childish way. But me, being like your husband and pouting, my husband like you, cant read our minds. BUT he surprised me one day while I was pouting. I left to go run some errands and when I came back home, I went into the bedroom and lo and behold, what has he done?! Boy was I surprised! He decorated the bed frame with fake roses and wrapped them all around the bed post. He put real rose pedals all over the bed (after he made the bed), the room was clean, he had 1 dozen of roses sitting on my nightstand. He put chocolate covered cherries ( my favorite) in a decorated bowl next to the roses. He had lit some candles and had them all over the room. He had also brought me 3 boxes of presents sitting on the bed from Victoria Secrets.  Oh my gosh!  My pouting ended that day. What made him think of something like this, I dont know, but it made him and I become closer and I did tell him why I went to the couch the night before, in hopes that he would come and get me off the couch so I would feel wanted by him. He said from now on, you will not sleep on the couch and we will talk if we have a problem before we go to bed and get it resolved.

 

I too feel that I am not confident in myself to dress up for night time pleasure, I am insecure with myself because I am now older " ancient" according to my teenager, but life is what you make it. I think your husband would rather see you then the women on the internet. My husband gave me the confidence I needed when he did what he did. It is for his eyes only anyway. We have 3 kids, and when they go to bed, the remainder of the time, is for us. Surprise your husband like mine did me. Set the mood for him, and you be the person for him to look at , to get his mind off the internet. I am now thinking of a way to do someting special for my husband like he has done for me. I am going to go buy him, some outfits. LOL!

 

 

 
September 19, 2006, 7:41 pm CDT

What's wrong?

I love sex.  That was no secret when we got married.  When we were dating he mentioned he liked it when I asked to do it or initiate sex.  Now I mention sex he roles over and tucks his privates between his legs.  Don't get me wrong we have sex, when he wants to.  About once a week...sometimes less.  It just hurts my feelings and well sex sucks.
 
September 20, 2006, 6:25 am CDT

Communication is the best form of sex.

Quote From: lovebug8

I love sex.  That was no secret when we got married.  When we were dating he mentioned he liked it when I asked to do it or initiate sex.  Now I mention sex he roles over and tucks his privates between his legs.  Don't get me wrong we have sex, when he wants to.  About once a week...sometimes less.  It just hurts my feelings and well sex sucks.

Find out what is going on.  You need him to open up.  Maybe he is stressed?  Maybe unhappy about something?  Read my reply about communicating a few replies ago.  Learn how to communicate and learn "how to fight".  Getting things in front of both of you and dealing with them is the best form of passion.  Plan some alone time.  Use the one response about the candles, roses, bedroom set up mentioned before.  But, as you can see by her response as well, talking about each other's needs and issues, understanding the issues, dealing with them by comprise, and then getting over it and moving on are the keys to great love and sex.  You are both missing the emotional love more than the physical.  Try something new and exciting.  Dress up, role play, change atmospheres, get a hotel room, if one of you is interested, things will work out. 

Try to stroke his intellect.  Men need ego boosts.  Our ego is very easily hurt.  Hold his hand in public out of the blue.  Give him a kiss for no reason.  Compliment him.  Tell him how thankful you are for what he provides you and the family.  Men that feel like they are real men, worry about everything (money, whether the family is happy, whether they are doing a good job at work)  You will be surprised that he will start returning compliments as well.  That makes you closer and lends to a more passionate relationship and therefore, more sex.  Hope this helps.

 
September 20, 2006, 3:12 pm CDT

Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

Quote From: lovebug8

I love sex.  That was no secret when we got married.  When we were dating he mentioned he liked it when I asked to do it or initiate sex.  Now I mention sex he roles over and tucks his privates between his legs.  Don't get me wrong we have sex, when he wants to.  About once a week...sometimes less.  It just hurts my feelings and well sex sucks.
May I ask how long you have been married, and has this been a gradual decline? Or did it change overnight?
 
September 22, 2006, 1:16 pm CDT

What to do?

 I am not sure how to handle this. My husband and I have been married for 2 years. I was 4 months pregnant when we got married. Before we got married sex was often and amazing. The futher along I got in my pregnancy the less frequent the sex became. I thought it was just because of my swelling mid section. After our son was born he stayed in the bedroom with us, so we had to be careful not to make any noises that might wake him up. He was in our room for almost the 2 years. We just recently moved into a house and he is now in his own room. Well sex has not gotten any better. If we have sex once a month I concider it lucky. Its not from lack of my asking him for it, I feel like I am always asking for it. Then he gets upset because he is always saying no or saying he is too tired. Last night I tried to get things started and when I started kissing him, he asked if I have weighted myself lately!! When I asked why he said because it looks like you have gained some weight. Of course I was crushed that he would choose that moment to ask me that. I now feel that the reason he hasn't wanted to have sex with me is because I gained so much weight when I was pregnant and the weight has not come off despite my efforts. He says that is not the case but how can I not feel like my weight is the reason he won't touch me??
 
September 23, 2006, 12:01 pm CDT

Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

Quote From: rebeccatol

 I am not sure how to handle this. My husband and I have been married for 2 years. I was 4 months pregnant when we got married. Before we got married sex was often and amazing. The futher along I got in my pregnancy the less frequent the sex became. I thought it was just because of my swelling mid section. After our son was born he stayed in the bedroom with us, so we had to be careful not to make any noises that might wake him up. He was in our room for almost the 2 years. We just recently moved into a house and he is now in his own room. Well sex has not gotten any better. If we have sex once a month I concider it lucky. Its not from lack of my asking him for it, I feel like I am always asking for it. Then he gets upset because he is always saying no or saying he is too tired. Last night I tried to get things started and when I started kissing him, he asked if I have weighted myself lately!! When I asked why he said because it looks like you have gained some weight. Of course I was crushed that he would choose that moment to ask me that. I now feel that the reason he hasn't wanted to have sex with me is because I gained so much weight when I was pregnant and the weight has not come off despite my efforts. He says that is not the case but how can I not feel like my weight is the reason he won't touch me??

This is not meant to be a contentious post...I know I am going to get killed by the militant fascist faction here...

 

Are you drastically more overweight than before your pregnancy that ended over 2 years ago? If it is just a few lbs. then disregard what I am about to say...I don't know so I am going to speak hypothetically here...general terms...

 

When either spouse "lets themselves go" physically, it tells their partner that they are not important enough to make the effort for. Not just weight, but how someone dresses, their personal hygeine, or even the sloth that can come with settling in. I understand that wieght from pregnancy doesn't come off easily. But let me ask you ask question...If your childs life depended on you getting back to your pre-birth weight, could you do it then? I bet you could. Yes it is difficult. It is not impossible, and chances are that you already posses the knowledge you need to lose the weight. What is your excersize routine? Do you have one? Many people buy diet books as an excuse to stay fat, not to really lose the wieght.

 

Men and women both need to feel that they are worth their partners effort.

 

My detractors will spout the cliche'd quotes like "If he truly loved you, your weight wouldn't matter" But the reality is, He could easily say that if YOU really loved HIM, you wouldn't take him for granted. Chances are he does still love you, and want you, but he has every right to be with the woman he married, and if that is not who you are now, then you have to address that. He can't be a totally shallow jerk either, but two years is a long time.

 

Lastly I will say this, When *either* spouse takes thier other half for granted, it is as much infidelity than if they had flirted with intention......some people "cheat" with the hostess in the diner, others cheat with hostess twinkies.

 
September 23, 2006, 3:23 pm CDT

Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

Quote From: richard_woods

This is not meant to be a contentious post...I know I am going to get killed by the militant fascist faction here...

 

Are you drastically more overweight than before your pregnancy that ended over 2 years ago? If it is just a few lbs. then disregard what I am about to say...I don't know so I am going to speak hypothetically here...general terms...

 

When either spouse "lets themselves go" physically, it tells their partner that they are not important enough to make the effort for. Not just weight, but how someone dresses, their personal hygeine, or even the sloth that can come with settling in. I understand that wieght from pregnancy doesn't come off easily. But let me ask you ask question...If your childs life depended on you getting back to your pre-birth weight, could you do it then? I bet you could. Yes it is difficult. It is not impossible, and chances are that you already posses the knowledge you need to lose the weight. What is your excersize routine? Do you have one? Many people buy diet books as an excuse to stay fat, not to really lose the wieght.

 

Men and women both need to feel that they are worth their partners effort.

 

My detractors will spout the cliche'd quotes like "If he truly loved you, your weight wouldn't matter" But the reality is, He could easily say that if YOU really loved HIM, you wouldn't take him for granted. Chances are he does still love you, and want you, but he has every right to be with the woman he married, and if that is not who you are now, then you have to address that. He can't be a totally shallow jerk either, but two years is a long time.

 

Lastly I will say this, When *either* spouse takes thier other half for granted, it is as much infidelity than if they had flirted with intention......some people "cheat" with the hostess in the diner, others cheat with hostess twinkies.

 HAHA I loved your last line!

My whole life I have been on the heavier side. I guess we both have let ourselves go. I would say I have lost and gained around 20 pounds, 15 of it was when I started taking birth control pills. My husband has gained around 20 as well. My exercise routine consist of chasing a 20 month old around all day! I also have 2 other children from a previous relationship. The way I dress, present myself, personal hygeine, everything is the same. When I was pregnant we had a friend living with us and he would buy ice cream every night. I had a really hard time saying no to it and i ended up putting on almost 35 pounds during my pregnancy.  I had lost all but 2 pounds when I went for my 6 week check up. Then when I went for my yearly exam I had lost 8 pounds more, putting me lower then my pre-pregnancy weight. But that was last year and I have found ice cream to be very comforting! I weight about 20 pounds more then I did at this time last year. When I ask him to support me when I am dieting ( don't bring home sodas or sweets) he always tells me we don't have enough money to buy "healthier" foods. SO we eat processed foods more then we should. By gaining this weight I have lowered my self esteem and I know my children see it. I just want him to be honest with out being mean to me about my weight and help me out by encouraging me to loose weight, not make me feel like crap because I gained some weight and make me feel repulsive to him.
 
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