Topic : Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

You are in the same situation as me.  I have been posting and talking to another lady on here and it's been so helpful. I have been with my husband for six years and never felt 'lust'.  I married him for reasons other than passion which at the time I thought was the best thing to do. but now i'm not so sure because I feel like I want to be sexually attracted to my husband so badly.  We are about to go into couples/sex therapy and i'm praying that it will work.  Can you fill me in on your situation?  What were your previous sexual relationships like and why did you marry your husband if you knew the spark wasn't there? Did you think that you could get it going eventually? (That's what I thought) I have a one year old son.

Would love to hear from you ...

 My husband and I have been married for 4 months.  Seems it has been one problem after another.  He says all the problems revolve around me.  I feel he never has enough attention for me and he says he gives me all the attention in the world.  There is no romance, hardly any sex, no surprises, etc.  If I would like a romantic evening-I plan it and it usually doesn't turn out the way I planned. Something always comes up.  His work, one of our kids, or by the end of the day I simply don't even feel like doing anything because he has ignored me all day.

 

We both work from home.  This has just been a recent thing. We don't talk all day.  I have 3 children and he has 2.  Only one out of the 5 lives with us.  And he can seem to find something wrong with how I dicipline her on a daily basis.  Problem is.....she does nothing wrong!  Other than not going to bed when she is supposed to.  He always has a problem with my kids doing this or that but when his kids do the exact same thing, he says nothing!  Then there is an excuse why all the sudden that it is ok.

 

He has convinced me to go to counseling together, but I know the real reason is because he thinks there is something wrong with me.  I admit that I don't know how to argue without getting very upset.  But it is so much more than that.  He thinks he is right about everything!

 

I feel like I simply do not matter at all in his eyes.  Everything is so much more important than me.  His business, his kids, etc.  When he finally asked me to marry him (after 7 years) he didn't even have a ring!  Not that I am a materialistic person--I'm not.  And I understood that he didn't have the money at the time.  And I have told him how that one little thing would make me happy and he understood that it did mean something to me.  Still to this day, I wear nothing but a band. And it isn't that I want something real expensive, I don't.  But now he has had the money and what is he buying with $900?  A PUPPY!!!  He said he has always wanted a black lab and I am happy for him (even though I will be the one taking care of it) but for Gods sake--$900!  When I don't even have an engagement ring?  Am I being a baby? I have not said one word about it and I won't.  But it bugs the crap out of me.

 

So all the attention he says he gives me (and doesn't) he will now be giving to a dog on top of everything else he gives his attention to.

 

We used to have a very exciting life. He would do anything to give me 2 minutes of his time.  Now that we are married and living together--I get nothing.  He says "we have the rest of our lives".  Well, I believe we don't.  It could end tomorrow.  You never know when something will happen to one of us. And one of us will be left saying "I wish we would have spent more time together".  He doesn't get that.

 

I am totally in love with my husband and am glad we got married. But I need some excitement in my life.  I need my husband to want me (even though he says he does) I just dont feel it and if I say anything, it starts a fight and he says he gives all he can.

My husband and I have been married for almost over 5 years now.  When we first got married things were great.  We had great communication and lots of sex.  Then my family got involved.  They didn't like him and tried to get us to seperate.  I ended up pregnant.  For almost a year and a half my husband and I had the worst relationship.  We couldn't stand to be around eachother.  After our child was born we had to start over.  We had to learn eachother again.  I had to push my family to the side in order to get right with my relationship with my husband and be right in our home.  At first I was so scared to touch him.  I thought he would reject me.  I didn't want to speak cause I thought he would get mad at me.  He felt the same about me.  It took us awhile.  I started to watch Dr Phil and read his books.  He brought us back together. 
Now our sex life still needs work on.  I have had more sex partners than my husband.  I have done a lot of weird sexual things in my past.  We did a lot sexual things in the beginning of our marriage.  Now I feel that I don't want to do any of those things.  My husband wants to explore and do different things.  I want to spice up our sex life but I don't know how.  I want to do things with him but I don't want to do things I have done with another person.  Does anyone have an ideas?  We have sex maybe 2 times a week.  I want more.  I know he wants more.  I want to make my husband happy. 

My husband and I have been married for almost over 5 years now.  When we first got married things were great.  We had great communication and lots of sex.  Then my family got involved.  They didn't like him and tried to get us to seperate.  I ended up pregnant.  For almost a year and a half my husband and I had the worst relationship.  We couldn't stand to be around eachother.  After our child was born we had to start over.  We had to learn eachother again.  I had to push my family to the side in order to get right with my relationship with my husband and be right in our home.  At first I was so scared to touch him.  I thought he would reject me.  I didn't want to speak cause I thought he would get mad at me.  He felt the same about me.  It took us awhile.  I started to watch Dr Phil and read his books.  He brought us back together. 
Now our sex life still needs work on.  I have had more sex partners than my husband.  I have done a lot of weird sexual things in my past.  We did a lot sexual things in the beginning of our marriage.  Now I feel that I don't want to do any of those things.  My husband wants to explore and do different things.  I want to spice up our sex life but I don't know how.  I want to do things with him but I don't want to do things I have done with another person.  Does anyone have an ideas?  We have sex maybe 2 times a week.  I want more.  I know he wants more.  I want to make my husband happy. 

Thank you for responding. I needed someone to listen. Yesterday was his birthday and I thought I would put our differences aside and bought him a special edition die cast car, which he collects, made reservations for a reception with Wolfgang Puck at the Museum of Contemporry Art her in Chicago (not far my apartment) and then a dinner reservation at an Italian restaurant which is an icon here in Chicago and afterwards bought tickets for the opening night of Jersey Boys.  While holding the car in his hand, he says to me, "I hate my life".  I was devasted!! Needless to say I cancelled everything, was very hurt, still am, and now he again says, I'm sorry.  We do go to the play because I couldn't get my money back but we did not speak one world to each other. It was a horrible day and today I've spent the whole day in my bedroom so that I would not have to have contact with him. I go to the hospital on Tuesday at 7:30am for PET scans and CT scans,etc. and have to fast but I have been living on cheese crackers and gatorade for the most part and when we went out last night, I felt very weak.  He'll say to me once in a while, while he's make something to eat. do you want a sandwich?  I always tell him no. He put a stale rock hard muffin on a plate to this morning for my breakfast.  I know that I have to go through these tests and then the following week see my oncologist but until then, I really can't go anywhere, I have no friends here and I have no family except for my 85 year old mother with Alzheimer's. But, I can't live like this.  It looks like even if I have to go it alone with this disease with no support it's better than living, not really living, with someone like this. thank you again for your note.

Joyce

i have been married for 10 yrs.  the last 3 years have been very stressful with 3 kids, husband that travels for work and taking care of everything myself.  ive had no intimacy in my marriage during the past 3 yrs.  i recently went thru a makeover....lost a lot of weight which has now sparked my husbands interest.  except now ive been hurt from being neglected for so long i resent him for thinking i'd want his love now.  he's only interested because i lost the weight.  why didnt he want me when i was heavier?  we've always had poor communication.  we dont have the same parental styles.  he's alway been the provider, socialist, mainperson forward.  now that i have managed the house and family for so long alone and met new people and have my kids i dont walk in his shadows.  i am my own person and people notice me not him.  i have expressed my feelings to him.  ive talked to counselors w/o him in the past. i cant say im in love w/ him.  every little thing he does/says bugs me.  i know im being too critical because i almost feel if i find fault then its easier to not be happy.

 

and now...i have crossed the line with a friend i met a year ago.  nothing physical only emotional.  i know i shouldnt be feeling or saying a lot of the things i say to this man.  there is definitely a double sided connection.  hes coming out of a recent divorce and is not wanting to get involved w anyone who is married...understandably.  i respect him for that.  however, i want to continue the lines of communication so i can continue to learn more about him and get to know him better.  i dont want to throw away my marriage on some lust feelings i have for a casual relationship.  however what if theres something between us and i'll never know because i was married.  what happens when i stay with my husband for another 10 years, wake up and realize im still not happy or in love.  i dont have that passion or desire.  but i do for the other person.  how do i know when i need to make a change. 

 

my husband who never acts happy with me.  doesnt like the kind of person i am (negative) why does he want to stay with me? 

 

i recently found out he's been trying to contact an old girlfriend. says he wants to bring closure to their relationship ending.  also invited another girl to an outing w/o my knowledge knowing i dont like her and knowing i wouldnt approve.  why is it OK ?  he sees nothing wrong with it.

Hi all,

 

Ok, so, my fiance & I have been together for about 2yrs. and I swear it feels like we've been married for 50!

We never get close or even intimate. We never leave his Apt. We do not talk.

I am going out of my mind! I clean his apt. I buy groceries, I help w/the kid (8 yr old girl..she rocks!), I let him sleep in, I drive ALWAYS, I buy....right. you get the point. I have 2 jobs, because sales suck right now in my store...I need to make ends meet. He does not work...he is disabled (kidney transplant 5 yrs ago). I do however love his daughter! She's awesome! But-and I feel sort of selfish saying this...He treats her like a princess...and I get treated like the "help."

 

He always yells about how I don't have enough time for them, and granted, I DO feel bad for that, but, yea, I have BILLS!!! He says I'm cranky all the time-I say it's because if I don't answer my cell the 1st time he calls...he then calls up to 15 times in a row! Also he believes he is smarter than me, a better driver, better cook, better everything I guess.

He says I'm crazy when we argue, and that NOTHING I say ever makes sense.

 

I stay over at his place 2 nights a week, and 85% of the time he watches his "shows" and plays video games...in other words-he totally ignores me. Yes, it makes me sad...but a part of me still believes that my "old" fiance is in there. He used to be so thoughtful, caring, sweet...hell, he used to be alot of things.

Maybe he just gave up, once he got me. Maybe he's bored with me. But, how??? I'm still cute! I seriously do not know what to do!!!!!!! I was for sure he was the one! I am at my wits end...we have even gone to a therapist (worked for 2 weeks-he thought he figured it out, y'know, being smarter than everyone & whatnot).

 

I have NEVER felt so alone right next to someone in my life!

Maybe it truly IS me...maybe I am to busy....I just want to quit...to run & hide. No, I have too many responsibilities, after all, how else could he get to all his Dr. appointments? BAH.

Crappy endless loop!

 

Thanks for letting me vent!

 

~S~

Hi I am new to the boards,

I am a married mother of three and my husband and I have been growing apart for some time.  My husband owns his own business and I work full time and things have been extremely stressful.  My husbands business has been struggling for the past few years and it has been getting worse due to some things going on in the industry outside of his control.  The financial strain has been very tough.  I have pretty much been supporting us and this adds to my husbands stress and self worth.  I see his stress about the business and money and it puts even more stress on me to make more $$$ to keep us going.  Instead of bringing us together, we have both felt alone and have drifted apart.  I talked to my husband a few days ago how I feel like he is distant and was just trying to make things better for both of us.  The answers I received were eye opening and have made me really see how bad things have been.  My husband says he feels numb and just does not know how he feels about anything and that includes me.  I am very scared and feel emotional all the time.  Two weeks ago I aggressively started to diet and excersize to lose weight to help make me feel better about myself and thinking to myself, to save my marriage....I geuss I knew this was coming.

 

Anyway, I called and left a message for a Marriage Counselor and am hoping that this will help us get going in the right direction.  My husband is willing to try.  The talk with my husband has actually changed my outlook a little and has really focused me on trying to get a connection with him.  I have been "touchy, feely"- holding hands, touching his arm etc as well initiating sex often trying to get him to feel something more for me.  It is hard sometimes because I hug him and I feel like he is just placating me to make me feel better and that he feels nothing or just feels like I am a friend.

 

I am trying not to be emotional (teary) around him because I do not want to make him feel like he does not want to be around me.  I am hoping that we can turn around the marriage and I am hoping that he wants it as much as me.  Problem is right now, I do not think he does because he is "numb".  Any one else out there with experience just like this?  Any ideas on what I need to do?  I am going to get babysitters more often because I know part of the problem is that we have not had that time together.

 

Sorry for the long post but I have a lot bottled up inside.

 

I am experiencing something very similar. My husband also told me he doesn't know how he feels about anything. He started seeing a counselor by himself a few months ago and ended up moving out a little over a month ago. We plan on getting marriage counseling, but although he is willing to try, he is not ready yet.  I have also been trying to make a connection with my husband, but although he will hold my hand, kiss, and hug me, he has no interest in sex.

I think what you need to do now is exactly what you are doing. Good luck.