Quote From: poetkittyI feel for you. It's difficult to feel constantly disappointed by the man you love. Sex does not necessarily promote intimacy in a relationship...intimacy can lead to sex and sex can lead to intimacy, but generally after a decade + of marriage, we're all looking for greater emotional intimacy...a feeling of deep connectedness with our partners. When we feel this connection, we tend to want sex. Sex without this connection can feel hollow.
Have you had a frank, unhurried, sit down conversation about the aspects of your marriage you'd like to improve? You could start by asking his opinion about what's good and what's lacking in your marriage. Preface it by saying that all marriages have problems and you think yours are managable. Encourage him to speak freely and try to see where he's coming from. Has he ever been romantic? Has he ever been thoughtful? If he has in the past, and isn't any more, remind him how good it made you feel. Maybe he thinks that after 10+ years of marriage, 'courtship' shouldn't be necessary. Has he always been uncommunicative or is this a recent thing? What are his strong points - is he a good provider? Is he good with your children? Does he take an active interest in domestic affairs? Does he have other good traits like honesty, integrity, a good work ethic etc. Is he an all round great guy that is just romantically challenged, or is he depressed and withdrawn in general? Does he understand what you truly want from him? Chocolates and flowers may not be his thing...but is he thoughtful in other ways? Does he gas up your car, or help out at home, or relieve you of tasks you find overwhelming?
If he does none of these things, then it sounds like he's checked out of your marriage because of depression or some outside pressures he can't handle or perhaps he's just incredibly selfish or uncommitted.
Sex is complicated. Couples incredibly connected and happy could want it continuously and at the other end of the spectrum, it could be used to mask a general disconnect. "Hey, we have a great sex life - our marriage MUST be good." It could also be the only way your husband knows to communicate anything with you. It could also, unfortunately, be merely incredible selfishness on his part. "Life sucks, but at least I get to have sex every night."
I don't think, ultimately, that asking for what you want in any relationship is wrong. But I think it's better to put a positive spin on it. Rather than saying, 'You make me feel invisible" you could say, "When you ask about my day, I feel cared for - I feel that you're interested in me..." Or, "I think sex is best when we've enjoyed each others company before hand."
I think you need to do an autopsy on your marriage - perhaps write out all the good parts and bad parts - over the course of a week or so. Keep a running tally or commentary and try to do it as impartially as you can. If he did the dishes, then write it down. If he gave your kids some great advice, write it down. I know we're geared to look for the negative.
I hope you find out that he's a better guy than you thought, and whatever is lacking, can be created or resurrected. Beyond that, only you know whether you're willing to have a marriage where you feel anonymous and unappreciated.
I have had a frank sit down talk with this man about the state of our marrige. I have expressed to him that I really do love him, but I really need some help.the thing with me is I am a very emotional person, and end up crying in most of our conversations. this really turns him off. He really seems to be angry, and becomes very short with me. Mostly saying that he is sorry, and that he doesn't know what to do. He never had a good marriage modeled to him as well. When there weren't kids involved, I would come home to the smell of dinner cooking sometimes. but, now he is too tired. He does have a very physical job, and I know he is tired when he comes home. But, I am too, and life doesn't end when you walk in the door to your home. He's never really been real romantic. I have always been the one to get us out on a date. He's never really been communicative with me which is sooo frustrating. The only communication I get is mostly negative. We generally never have anything to talk about. I feel like Iam not on his level, and he just thinks that I wouldn't understand. If I comment on my day, he does not like to hear my gripes about my job. He will tell me to change the subject. He does have a very strong work ethic. and he is a good provider, only we are always struggling day to day to keep us going. He makes a bit of money, but, it is never enough. I have had to take on some part time jobs because he will not work any overtime. I feel like it should be him that should take on a part time job. I have told him all of this. Should I question the doctor as to whether he needs some kind of help? I don't know. I think maybe he is depressed. I just know that I have had all I can take and he needs to get help, or try to, or something. I obviously am not able to help him.
