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November 12, 2005, 7:47 am PST

Relationship Rescue

I moved 2000 miles to be with a man that I thought I wanted to be with. However, all we seem to do is eat, sleep and work. On our downtime, he drinks until he falls asleep. I'm usually watching television, crafting, cleaning, doing laundry, working on the computer or sleeping already. As for our sex life, he has no sex drive which he claims is from medications he takes and I have no desire to make love with someone that smells like a brewery. He has a history of depression and has numerous medical problems from gout, diabetes and high blood pressure. He has seen his doctor but his doctor has no idea how much he drinks. I once told him that all the medications he takes aren't working because of the alcohol. I wanted him to see a psychologist to talk about his past which I believe is why he drinks (dad and mom both alcoholics and were deceased before age 50) but he doesn't want to talk to anyone about it. He was bullied as a child because of a lazy eye and still, as an adult, suffers from bullying from coworkers. I'm thinking about leaving and moving back home and I do fear for my safety when I tell him how I feel. Any ideas how I can help him make some changes in his life? Should I just leave and if he wants to have a life with me, he'll make the changes and rekindle our love in the future? HELP

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WereRabbit

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November 12, 2005, 2:15 pm PST

You Can't Change Him!!!

Quote From: hijinxs

I moved 2000 miles to be with a man that I thought I wanted to be with. However, all we seem to do is eat, sleep and work. On our downtime, he drinks until he falls asleep. I'm usually watching television, crafting, cleaning, doing laundry, working on the computer or sleeping already. As for our sex life, he has no sex drive which he claims is from medications he takes and I have no desire to make love with someone that smells like a brewery. He has a history of depression and has numerous medical problems from gout, diabetes and high blood pressure. He has seen his doctor but his doctor has no idea how much he drinks. I once told him that all the medications he takes aren't working because of the alcohol. I wanted him to see a psychologist to talk about his past which I believe is why he drinks (dad and mom both alcoholics and were deceased before age 50) but he doesn't want to talk to anyone about it. He was bullied as a child because of a lazy eye and still, as an adult, suffers from bullying from coworkers. I'm thinking about leaving and moving back home and I do fear for my safety when I tell him how I feel. Any ideas how I can help him make some changes in his life? Should I just leave and if he wants to have a life with me, he'll make the changes and rekindle our love in the future? HELP

You can only change yourself!!!!! He needs to quit drinking, but that is a decision he has to make!!! Sounds to me like he will end up like his parents......Since he has no ability to help himself.......I would not want to live the way you are living, but it is your call!!! You could go to AlAnon yourself to find out how to deal with this situation, or you can make plans to leave.....You know him better than anyone else!!!!!!!!!

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ritehere

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November 13, 2005, 11:24 am PST

Separate first.

Quote From: hijinxs

I moved 2000 miles to be with a man that I thought I wanted to be with. However, all we seem to do is eat, sleep and work. On our downtime, he drinks until he falls asleep. I'm usually watching television, crafting, cleaning, doing laundry, working on the computer or sleeping already. As for our sex life, he has no sex drive which he claims is from medications he takes and I have no desire to make love with someone that smells like a brewery. He has a history of depression and has numerous medical problems from gout, diabetes and high blood pressure. He has seen his doctor but his doctor has no idea how much he drinks. I once told him that all the medications he takes aren't working because of the alcohol. I wanted him to see a psychologist to talk about his past which I believe is why he drinks (dad and mom both alcoholics and were deceased before age 50) but he doesn't want to talk to anyone about it. He was bullied as a child because of a lazy eye and still, as an adult, suffers from bullying from coworkers. I'm thinking about leaving and moving back home and I do fear for my safety when I tell him how I feel. Any ideas how I can help him make some changes in his life? Should I just leave and if he wants to have a life with me, he'll make the changes and rekindle our love in the future? HELP

If you fear for your safety, get out first, then mail a letter or something. If you call him, he may be drunk, so you may not get through to him. You need to let him know in a way that he can not talk back to or misunderstand your intent. If you feel he will track you down, get a restraining order. Do what it takes to stay safe. I think he is an alcoholic, and needs help, but you don't have to be around when he gets it. Definitely leave and let him get on with making changes. If you don't leave he may never "wake up" and your life will just continue to get worse. Be prepared for the eventuality that he never "wakes up". Alocholism is an insidious disease that takes over completely in some people. It becomes more important than anything else.

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ritehere

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November 13, 2005, 11:35 am PST

to lsterling

I thank you for the concern, but I really don't have a problem with my husband. I merely lent my personal story to help the young woman who was feeling suspicious of her husband, even though she admitted that he had done nothing to deserve it.

If I had a problem with my husband reading things I wrote, I would simply stop writing.

I am a deeply spiritual person also. I don't refer to it very often on the boards though in deference to those of different, or no, faiths. I'm not sure what set you off on a crusade to help me out, the gesture is appreciated however.

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lsterling

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November 14, 2005, 6:15 am PST

From my first message

Quote From: ritehere

I thank you for the concern, but I really don't have a problem with my husband. I merely lent my personal story to help the young woman who was feeling suspicious of her husband, even though she admitted that he had done nothing to deserve it.

If I had a problem with my husband reading things I wrote, I would simply stop writing.

I am a deeply spiritual person also. I don't refer to it very often on the boards though in deference to those of different, or no, faiths. I'm not sure what set you off on a crusade to help me out, the gesture is appreciated however.

Please see the quote that I started my first message to you:

I was reading your response to another message and something you said caught my eye. You didn't ask for my two cents but I was compelled to respond.

You said with regard to your husband "but it may someday erode my feelings for him to the point that I won't honestly be able to say I love him".

No crusade. Your statement just raised an eyebrow. It's a pretty strong statement to make when you're married. That is only my opinion. No intent to pry.

My second message was just in response to your question. I know I'm a bit long.

Best wishes.

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lcourtney

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November 16, 2005, 7:05 am PST

Relationship Myths

Quote From: ritehere

If you fear for your safety, get out first, then mail a letter or something. If you call him, he may be drunk, so you may not get through to him. You need to let him know in a way that he can not talk back to or misunderstand your intent. If you feel he will track you down, get a restraining order. Do what it takes to stay safe. I think he is an alcoholic, and needs help, but you don't have to be around when he gets it. Definitely leave and let him get on with making changes. If you don't leave he may never "wake up" and your life will just continue to get worse. Be prepared for the eventuality that he never "wakes up". Alocholism is an insidious disease that takes over completely in some people. It becomes more important than anything else.

RUN...it's not a life you're leading, it's an endurance race. And it should have meaning and joy and happiness. He's been a learning experience, now learn from it. tomorrow is still yours. hugs,c

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papaham

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November 18, 2005, 2:17 pm PST

Lost and Confused husband

Hi.

I'll get right to the point. I am a 29 yr old man who's 25 yr old wife wants to leave him because she is not happy and doesn't love him romantically anymore. I was told this on Oct. 9 of this year but was asked to stay in the house until January to support her and our son. I have moved out of our bedroom and into the spare room. She has said that she needs some time and space to figure out what she wants. I know that I am not perfect and I sometimes do things that make her upset or embaress. I do my best but since this has happen I have started being suspious and hurt since she will not talk to me about anything involving us. The only information I was told is that I have to turn around 180 degrees from where I am right now. I love her and will do anything for her but I am having a hard time getting started. I do not want to become a "weekend" dad to our son. We have only been together 7 years and been married for the last 2. To top it off, we lost a daughter 3 years ago from being still born. The councillor I am seeing is treating me like I am an abusive spouse. In some ways I maybe. But with the current strain going on in the house, I am breaking down. I am lost in what to do. I do not want to leave her but I cannot take much more of the stress. I need some real help.

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jettav

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November 18, 2005, 2:36 pm PST

Relationship Myths

Quote From: papaham

Hi.

I'll get right to the point. I am a 29 yr old man who's 25 yr old wife wants to leave him because she is not happy and doesn't love him romantically anymore. I was told this on Oct. 9 of this year but was asked to stay in the house until January to support her and our son. I have moved out of our bedroom and into the spare room. She has said that she needs some time and space to figure out what she wants. I know that I am not perfect and I sometimes do things that make her upset or embaress. I do my best but since this has happen I have started being suspious and hurt since she will not talk to me about anything involving us. The only information I was told is that I have to turn around 180 degrees from where I am right now. I love her and will do anything for her but I am having a hard time getting started. I do not want to become a "weekend" dad to our son. We have only been together 7 years and been married for the last 2. To top it off, we lost a daughter 3 years ago from being still born. The councillor I am seeing is treating me like I am an abusive spouse. In some ways I maybe. But with the current strain going on in the house, I am breaking down. I am lost in what to do. I do not want to leave her but I cannot take much more of the stress. I need some real help.

You cannot change her andher thinking but you can work on yuo and try to make things right. Counseliing is a good thing and could help you to figure out what you are thinking and give you some options. Maybe try doing little things for her such as cleaning the house, washing dishes, even cooking her favorite meal for her. Actions speak louder then words, keep the communication lines opened at all times and let her know that you love and care for her and that you want her to be happy. Send her a special e card and just sign it, love (your name), don't pressure her or try to convince her to stick around, that has to be her choice. I believe in marriage and keeping the vows but at the same time realize that it takes two to make a loving and lasting marriage, you can only do your part and she is responsible for her part, At least in the end you will be able to say that you did everything in your power to make things work, I believe it takes 100% on both parts but sometimes one may need to put in a little extra effort. I know it is easier said then done but it is possible to come out of this on top.

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papaham

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November 18, 2005, 4:06 pm PST

Thank you

Quote From: jettav

You cannot change her andher thinking but you can work on yuo and try to make things right. Counseliing is a good thing and could help you to figure out what you are thinking and give you some options. Maybe try doing little things for her such as cleaning the house, washing dishes, even cooking her favorite meal for her. Actions speak louder then words, keep the communication lines opened at all times and let her know that you love and care for her and that you want her to be happy. Send her a special e card and just sign it, love (your name), don't pressure her or try to convince her to stick around, that has to be her choice. I believe in marriage and keeping the vows but at the same time realize that it takes two to make a loving and lasting marriage, you can only do your part and she is responsible for her part, At least in the end you will be able to say that you did everything in your power to make things work, I believe it takes 100% on both parts but sometimes one may need to put in a little extra effort. I know it is easier said then done but it is possible to come out of this on top.

Thanks for the advice. I have always done dishes and helped out a little bit around the house. I am trying to help out more. I am trying not to pressure her but I know in that department I have not been up to par. At least she is willing to admit that there may still be a chance for us. I am planning to send more e cards but I also need to learn a different way to show that I love her. I just hope that she looks inside and still sees the man that she fell in love with. Right now, I don't feel too much like that quite, shy man.

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jettav

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November 18, 2005, 8:51 pm PST

Relationship Myths

Quote From: papaham

Thanks for the advice. I have always done dishes and helped out a little bit around the house. I am trying to help out more. I am trying not to pressure her but I know in that department I have not been up to par. At least she is willing to admit that there may still be a chance for us. I am planning to send more e cards but I also need to learn a different way to show that I love her. I just hope that she looks inside and still sees the man that she fell in love with. Right now, I don't feel too much like that quite, shy man.

Just remember that actions speak louder then words. Maybe take her out for a date. arrange for a baby sitter a head of time and make sure there are not already plans. Maybe have a candle light dinner ready for her when she walks int he door. leave a note on the bathroom mirror before going out the door. But no matter what you do, always tell her that you love her, like before leaving for work, or before going to bed, whenever. You have a great heart and I am sure she sees that. Us women can be funny creatures are times LOL. hormones get out of wack, stress can do a lot to a person, and sometimes feelings of inadequency tends to creep up on us, maybe your wife are having these type of things happening, whatever it might be, your efforts will definetly make a difference within both of you, have faith and for me, prayer means alot and canbe very comforting. Don't give up.

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Message Boards

Topic : Relationship Myths

Relationship Rescue

You Can't Change Him!!!

Separate first.

to lsterling

From my first message

Relationship Myths

Lost and Confused husband

Relationship Myths

Thank you

Relationship Myths