Topic : Relationship Myths

Thank you for responding.  My husband is a physician.  He left the first labor after 28 hours of labor when we were both failing.  He went home to shave and shower and eat breakfast.  During the second pregnancy he stayed inside to do paperwork while I uprooted trees in 115 degree heat because he didn't want to get his hands calloused.  He promised he wouldn't be gone during the labor.  He dropped me off at the curb of the hospital when I was dilated to a 5.  He then went to his office to see patients.  I had to send my dad across the street 5 times to get him to come to me.  He finally came after 5 hours when I was dilated to a 9 and my kidneys were failing (I had eclampsia). 

When we found out one of our pregnancies died in utero, he dropped me off at the hospital to have the child removed and then went to see patients.  I sat crying in the hospital bed for 2 hours waiting for him to finish seeing patients and pick me up.  He took me home and then went back to work.  His excuse for all of this was he needed to make an income.  How much more? He is a physician!  I have always been the gardener, housekeeper, everything.  We hire no one.(Actually, we recently hired a gardener).  I've done all the heavy work because he needs soft hands for work.  He then told me one day that he'd see me more feminine and less masculine if I did less heavy work.  When both of my parents were very ill and dying and I was the primary caregiver, I would beg him to talk to me to help me get through it all (I also have very high achieving kids).  He'd be too busy and need to go clean the pool or water the trees.  I once told him to please not water the trees.  He responded that if he didn't water the trees they would die.  I told him that if he didn't stay inside and talk with me I would die.  He put on his shoes and watered the trees.  My dog died in Feb 2003, my dad died at 64 in April 2003, and my I walked in on my mom right before Christmas, age 63, in 2003.  I was devastated.  When we walked to our car from the burial site, we were getting into the van to drive to our home where all the family and friends were coming to a post-funeral gathering.  It was his intent to leave me to go to a contact lens fitting.  This is more of the story.  We've gone to marital counseling.  He wants to see someone else who doesn't know the history.  I think he just will love someone else better.  I just can't believe he loves me.  How could he? 

Thank you to all who have responded and I ask that all please read all of my entries.  You may be right; I may have repressed anger.  I had always thought of myself as just having now come to a point that I have realized that for all the discussion in trying to make him understand what he has done/not done that he always understands after the fact.  The problem is he just keeps doing it.  My impressioin is that if you really love someone you stop doing it once you become aware of your errors.  My concern, now that both of our children are off to college, is it fair to make him stay with me if his actions thus far indicate (to me) that maybe I'm not the one?  We deeply care for each other, but maybe the reality is that I'm truly not 'the one'.  I would stay by his bedside, wipe his brow, encourage his steps, and be his best friend until his last breath.  If I needed surgery, I would need to find a ride to the hospital.  The counselor we chose knew neither of us when we began.  After many sessions, the counseling seemed to reflect that he had made errors and continued to do so and needed to make changes.  This is why he wants a new counselor who does not know the history.  He wants a clean slate.  I am slathered with praise by our children, friends, community, and even him.  But the love and protection and nurture and partnership part seems to elude him.  He's a great man, maybe he was just never meant to be mine.