Topic : Relationship Myths

Thank you for saying that, its hard to know if your doing the right thing.But the kids are happy and that is all that counts. I did't expect to like the other woman so much but I do and we are good friends. We even go out together every once in awhile. My husband and I are still married but we don't live together. Neither one of us has filed for a divorce yet. I don't want to get back together with him. I see him doing the same thing to his new girl as he has done to me and I am assured that I have done the right thing. I was 22 when he met me and she was the same age as I was when hw met her. he is 8 yrs older than me and 25 yrs older than her. Our oldest son is 14 yrs old and he has another son from a previous marriage that is 20 yrs old. I see a pattern with him. It seems like he likes them young so that he can control them better. Anyway I just wanted to thank you for your comment, I do feel that I am doing the right thing. Even if my sisters don't.

I have been married for 23 years and have 2 grown boys...(had my kids early) both my husband and I work fulltime...I have never been a user of marijuana and don't really like it...my husband uses often and as my kids were growing up this became part of their lives as well..my oldest no longer uses but my youngest does ..I feel my husband using with them has and had encouraged them to use My oldest now sees what the repercussions were and wishes he would have stopped much earlier, I still hate it when my husband is high it changes him so much. He also smokes cigarettes which I cannot stand but keep in mind I once was a smoker. I gained alot of weight in our marriage and tried several times to diet etc...I made a deal with my husband if I lost the weight he would quit smoking...no I had weightloss surgery to help me and lost 85 pounds he is still smoking and not willing to quit...I must say this hurts me alot.  We party with our family members often and usually around 1-2 am I am ready to leave and go home..and he is not..several times he has chosen to stay with his single brothers and drink..not coming home until the next day. He also has a pool league on Wednesday nights and this is usually an early morning return as well. I have volleyball one night a week and am always home by 10pm ..I believe staying out and drinking or whatever after midnight usually is not a good thing without your spouse. Am I being to critical? I just feel like these late night and not wanting to be with me is a sign of something not good.

Your family loves YOU above anything else.  Anything your family sees as painful for you, they will discourage.  But life isn't meant to be pain free, unfortunately.  You are happier going through some pain and jealousy to have a family that makes your children happy. I applaud you for not bowing to convention.  

  

BTW-You will be the same when your children have a life-I don't think it can be turned off :) I've already experienced that protective-mother-bear reaction *grin* A few years ago, my daughter was ostracised for a while by a girl in her grade 4 class.  MY daughter has now become best friends with that girl.  It is VERY hard for me to be nice to her even though my daughter has obviously forgotten all about it. 

  

Hi Christy, 

  I really don't know how you would approach doing the 14 day exercises if he doesn't want to. If I remember right, in the book, Dr. Phil says something about if your partner doesn't want to participate, do it anyway. I don't know how that's supposed to work. There's a few things in there like that where I think he drops the ball in walking the participant through the book. 

  Just keep reminding him of his promise I guess. We've started that part but had to quit 5 days into it because of out of town commitments. (That's why, too, I haven't got back here sooner) But we're starting up again tonight. It was awlful awkward at first, so be ready for that. It gets easier though. Just make sure there's no discussion of the answers afterward. That way you're free to answer as you wish with no fear of backlash. So far, we've had no problems. 

  Anyways, don't give up Christy. Just have some patience and take it slow if you have to. If you think it will help your marriage, hang in there. I plan on finishing it, so I'll keep coming back here to see if you need help. 

  Let me know how you're coming with this and I'll keep you posted on my progress too, if you don't mind. 

       Hope to talk to you soon 

                    -Dave 

Thank you for your reply. Yes I think counceling would help. I'm already looking into premarital counceling. I just want to make sure these issues are delt with before we get married. I know he has been in counciling him self before, and for all I know he could have delt with this a long time ago. But, I still would like to talk to him about it. So right now I have just told him that we have to talk about it before we get married and that I'm there for him 100% to talk about anything he wants to get off his chest. As for my future MIL I know she needs to get some help for this. Again she tried talking to me about her marrige problems ect. and she began crying. I felt so uncomfortable that I tried to comfort her the best I could then I cut our visit short because I didn't want to listen because I honestly don't know how to help her with her demons. I mean I wasn't mean about it or anything, I comforted her the best I could. I just really think she needs to talk with someone her own age and with someone that can relate to her problems, and give her advice. Thank you for your insite though. It's very much appreciated.

Thank you for your reply. It really helps me knowing that there are people out there that can offer advice when I don't know where else to turn. I have been looking into premarital counceling for my b/f and I. I think this will help us out a lot. I have discussed it with him and he thinks it is not that necessary b/c we don't really have any problems. I told him it will help us talk about things and open up about our past. But we talked about it more and he has agreed to go when I find someone to go to. I have let my boyfriend know that I'm here for him and am ready to listen to him when he is ready, and be there for him. He appreciates that. Thank you for your email address I will email you when I am ready to talk about this more. Once again thank you for your posting.

I have been married for 8 years, I am finally at my wits end, since I have know my husband 11 years, he has always needed somthing to excite me I am coming to realize, at first it was me, than the marriage then the children then a business then a affair then another business and know after  going into major debt for this last business, He want to throw a great job where he make great money to try another business, I feel like he will never be happy with what is going on in his life that he is always going to have one foot in the other direction.  I am 35 want another baby badly, but I'm scared. I love him he is a great dad and beyond the affair a great husband and provider.  I scared that his roaming way ( and I mean that in his next big job, aventure, ect not affair) that i will live my life alway on gaurd as to where our life is headed. I would love to hear any advice anyone has for me. 

Scared and confused 

Hi everyone,  This is my first time on here so I'm just learning the ropes.  I'm not even sure if I'm in the right place, but I read some of the other posts and think I might be. 

   My question for advice is this:  my husband and I have been trying to have a baby for over 2 years now with no avail (he's - 37, I'm - 32).  I have gone to my Dr for the first stage of tests, my Dr figures I'm not the one with the problem because I have a child from a previous relationship.  My husband says he wants a child yet refuses to go for a semen annalysis.  I have been asking him, pleading with him, begging him, crying in front of him about it.  So now that I am 32 I am feeling the squeeze on having another baby.  How do I become OK with only having the one child? 

   Plus when I met him I told him I do NOT want to be with a smoker.  I watched my great uncle die of cancer from smoking and I do not want to see a loved one go like that ever again.  He told me he was trying to quit so I gave him the benfit of the doubt, well it's been over 3 years now and he hasn't even tried.  I am torn between just learning how to deal with these two major issues or just divorcing him now while I'm still young enough to find another man who does want to have children. 

  

Any honest advice would be greatly appreciated. 

  

No, I didn't bring the children into the fight. I didn't threaten divorce in front of them. I did that after returning to our room and closing the door. I had told him b/f going to wake the children that we would discuss it later. Yes, I could face the discussion.  

  

I don't appreciate your judging me. You don't know me or my situation. I think that is disgusting!  

  

FYI, we have reconciled, and are reading The Relationship Rescue Book. We both realize that what we said was very hurtful to the other.  

  

  

first of all about the smoking, you knew he smoked in the first place and you cannot make some one quit a habit or change themselves for whatever reason, they must have the desire to do it and really the only thing you can do about that is to let him know that you love and care for him and try to encourage him but he isn't going to do it if he doesn't have the desire and if you keep hounding him about it. As far as having a baby, he may be a little scared to go to the doctor for fear of the unknown, again, maybe just be there for him and encourage him to do what is right for him, also, stress can prevent a person from getting pregnant, if you honestly and truly love your husband then you will stand by him and love and encourage him and enjoy being with him, have fun and enjoy your time together and don't think about and live in a dream world, go with the flow and hopefully he will get to the doctor if he really wants to figure this out, but it has to be on his own and not with someone hounding him, men tend to get turned off if they feel pressured to do something. Also, I had my first child at 37 and my second at 39, with very few problems, my first was a very easy and fun pregnancy, I would do her 10 times over, my second was ok as well, I was just a little tired at times but of course I had a one year old as well, so that played a part in my tiredness, both my girls came out as healthy as can be with absolutely no problems, it is different now then it was 20 years ago and you are not too young to have a baby. you need to enjoy your other child as much as you can and be thankful for the blessing that God has given you, love and adore your child and pray that the Lord will have his way when it comes to having another one. I have always wanted four kids and still think about it to this day and I am 42 years old, I don't have a problem with wanting to get pregnant again, but I am happy and content with the two little girls we have in our home now, they are our pride and joy and so what if we don't have any more, I am blessed with the family I have. be happy and content and love each other and your child and be there for each other, marriage is about love and caring for one another, keep the communication lines opened but don't push your agenda on your husabnd or you will fail your marriage, to me getting a divorce over these two issues is a cop out not to work things out and of course that is my opinion so don't feel offended. I am 100% for marriage and to me, adultry and being in an abusive relationship are the only good reasons for divorce and then I have seen some of those marriages put back together, remember your vows when you went into the marriage, no marriage is perfect, you need to figure out what is imporant to you and just because you divorce and remarry doesn't gusrentee that thingsa re going to be better.........