Topic : Relationship Myths

Dear Blue,

    I know a few couples who have gone through a similar change. I think there is something to the mid-life crisis theory. I think some couples have it and work through it. I think some couples don't even realize thier marriage is over until someone moves out, and other couples stay together and are like older brothers and sisters. Your husband could have had this change of heart and waited until he found someone else, kind of the way some people change jobs. They don't want to quit the job they have until they find a better or at least different one. I think your husband was at least honest and up front about it. I see a lot of couples divorce in a way that is as harmful as possible on their children, friends and family. You should let him work through this in a way that doesn't cost either of you your children. I had a relationship where my girlfriend moved away. She said it was so that she could find out who she was. I think it was because she knew who she wasn't. She wasn't someone who wanted to spend her life with me. Initially I fantasized about her coming to her senses, her tearful begging, her realization of how wonderful I really was and her dismay at hurting me. Later I transitioned into a sort of vodoo stage where I made little dolls that looked like her and then I poked them with needles or lit them on fire. That lasted about a week. Noone likes to be left but over time the feelings fade. There is no really good way for someone to tell you they don't love you anymore, or they don't love you enough anymore. It is possible that you will find out that you can be happy or happier. Don't let the hurt ruin the rest of your life and your childrens lives.

Thank you for some male insight.  I am coming to terms with the fact my husband no longer loves me.  Unfortunately, I've also discovered he isn't the caring, supportive father to our children I thought he was and that is just as devastating. He still spends some quality time with our 13 yr. old daughter, but he practically ignores our son who's 19.  I have lost a great deal of respect for my husband and can't believe he is the same man I married.  It's as if he's had a personality transplant.  His attitude towards our son is reprehensible.   

I am getting my life together and now have a part-time job and two casual, on-call jobs.  Due to medical reasons, I am unable to work full time and quite honestly, don't intend to even try.  I devoted 28 years of my life to my husband and then the children.  I don't intend to make myself sick so that HE can have extra money to go off and travel, do things HE enjoys and have a great time while I'm at home raising our children, working hard at three jobs and carrying most of the responsibility.  I feel he owes me that much.  It's almost 3 months since he left and it still hurts when I see him, knowing he isn't coming home to me.  A part of me will always love him, but my feelings for him have changed forever.  Right now he seems more pathetic than anything, trying to relive his youth, grasping at every opportunity to reassure himself he's still vibrant and interesting to be with. 

At least I have my good friends to turn to for support as well as a sympathetic ear.  My husband has virtually no one.  He has NO close friends, only a few acquaintances.  I see him as a hanger-on when he's with people he'd like to be friends with.  I've seen many who are only being polite and it pains me.  He seems to be desperate for acceptance and will do nearly anything to be part of their crowd, including imposing himself on others.  That makes me very sad and I feel sorry for him.   

My husband has three meddling sisters who encouraged him to leave, but are now too busy with their own lives to be bothered with him, except on the rare occasion.  Ironic, huh?  Something which has been very hard for me to accept is that some members of my husband's family who do not condone his behavior and actions, have cut off contact with him.  I shouldn't care perhaps, but I never wanted that to happen and did not encourage them at all.  I pleaded with them not to feel they had to take sides, esp. mine.  I often coax them to speak to him and try to understand his point of view, but they don't approve and have told him so.  In time, hopefully, they will reconcile but I refuse to feel guilty for something he has brought on himself.  

I guess everything does happen for a reason, just as people say.  Perhaps I will be better off without him.  I know I am happier without having to watch every word I say around him, for fear of upsetting him or getting the silent treatment.  I don't miss his harsh words or unnecessary criticism of every thing I do.  His bitterness is so obvious to me now.  I think his unhappiness manifested itself into making everyone around him unhappy too.  I am very lonely some times, but at least I do have friends and family I can turn to.  My children and jobs keep me busy and I finally am happy with myself and my accomplishments.  I have lost weight and feel more confident in my own skin.  I'm a much stronger person that I imagined and with each passing day, my future looks brighter.  Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me. 

Thank you for your encouragement and kind words.  I am leaving the door open to a possible reconciliation with my husband but am not counting on it.  I am moving on and am a happier, more confident person these days.  I have made it clear to everyone that I will not permit them to bad-mouth my husband, esp. in front of the children.  It is his right to be happy and although I have been hurt beyond words, I try not to judge him too harshly if he's really been that unhappy sharing his life with me... 

I'm disappointed lately in how he's chosen to parent our kids (13 & 19), but he is the one who will suffer in the long run.  He has taken to single life like a duck to water, but I remain steadfast in my decision to give him his space.  Yes, I am a strong woman and with the support of my close friends and family, discovered I can tackle anything life throws my way.  Some days are difficult and I get angry for the situation he's put me in, but then other days I see his view clearer.  Do I have any right to deprive him of his happiness?  No.  But then, does he have any right to make everyone around him unhappy too?  Who knows! 

right now as i type my marriage is on the verge of ending. this really is a long story but i can only type so much.  but i kept a few things from my husband that came out and he feels betrayed and angry with me. he said that he is unsure if he can stay with me.  now let me give u some details.  the 2 things i kept from him was that one my x-husband called me to see if i was okay because he had heard some things and was worried about me.  and second i was told that another woman made comment that "i'm not the only one my husband is sleeping w/". i know i should have talked to him right away about it but on the cheating on me subject this is the 3rd rumor i have heard about him in the 6 years we have been together and i wanted to see if any of this was true.  then about my x calling i just didn't think anything of it. so my husband thinks that i may b cheating on him. he said that 3 months ago while playing poker a note was on his truck saying i know where ur wife is i know where she is ask her x. he thinks things just r matching up. he didn't tell me about this note til i said anything to him about the x calling. so he is angry w/ me and has told me that because of these 2 things he doesn't know if he still wants to b with me. now if i'm not mistaken but didn't he hold that note from me? was that okay? the x thing i can c him being mad about but to end a marriage over? a friend thinks that he is blowing this out of the water to take the heat off him. i'm starting to wonder. u see my husband doesn't work, he plays poker as a job he says and he stays out all hours of the night runs around all day and all his friends are single, have no responsibilities and sleep around. so i think i'm unsure about how i'm feeling. i know i should just call this marriage quits but y can't i seem to do that? i'm really unsure how to handle all this. please anyone do u have advice?  

You are in a marriage where there is no trust, no communication and games that teenagers play.   You need to sit down with a professional, unbiased 3rd party who can help the two of you work through this tangled web that has been created.  Once you can unravel it, work through it, learn how to communicate and learn how to trust - you can make it work. It will require both parties dedication to this marriage to survive this.  

If you decide this is the route you want to go, I would first find a good counselor and speak to him/her and explain the situation.  If you feel comfortable with them, sit down and have a talk with your husband.  Hopefully, he will want to save your marriage as well and agree to see the counselor.  You can then call and set a time for the two of you to go.  When you approach him, make sure you don't toss the blame on him for this because that will drive him away.  Maybe a "It seems we are having difficulty and I want to work through this.  I think the issues have gotten to big and tangled for us to do this on our own. I have spoken to someone who would like to help us work through this.  Would you be willing to work with me to save our marriage?" 

Good luck to you. 

My husband and I recently started marriage counseling. We have been married eight years and had a lot of ups and downs. We were in counseling about five years ago as well, but it wasn't very successful. He was refusing to do it again until recently when a major fight prompted me to tell him that if we didn't go to counseling, then we would have to get a divorce. I hated to go to that extreme, but I was at my wits' end. The main issue for me is his verbally abusive anger. He is normally a nice guy and a good husband and father, but when he's angry he turns into a very nasty person.

So anyway, now we are in counseling and things are very touchy at home. He is extremely polite and helpful, but emotionally distant. He has no interest in physical contact at all - just gives me Granny kisses good night. I know this is understandable given the circumstances... I have made him out to be "the bad guy" and he is uncomfortable with me. But it is very hurtful, especially considering that last week was our anniversary and he was very unromantic. I'm doing everything I can to keep things normal and cheerful and to show him that I love him by taking care of the house, having dinner ready on time, etc., but inside I'm really, really hurting and depressed.

What I'm afraid of is that we have been though so much, that we will never be able to really overcome the past hurts. I don't think we'd get divorced, but the thought of living this life of quiet desperation for God only knows how long is just really getting me down. I hope the counseling will help, but I have to admit I don't have a lot of faith in the process right now. 

Has anyone been through a marriage that stayed together successfully in spite of problems?  And advice? 

I am about to celebrate my 11 anniverary and I could care less.   

I am married to a man everyone thinks is wonderful.  I thougt I'd be with him for the rest of my life.  When we first started dating he wrote poetry and sent me flowers.  Once I married him it all changed.   

Over the last few years it has become so hard for me to want to stay.  The thought of leaving this marriage has consumed my thoughts everyday.   

Lately its been the time he spends with his parents.  They call at all hours of the day, sometimes 11 at night.  They even spent 4 out of 8 days with us on vacation.  I made an excuse to go home for a few days because I just couldnt stand to be around them.  When I have discussed the constant phone calls late at night from his parents, his reply to me was that they were his parents and they could do what ever they want.   He will drop what he is doing to head over there if they want to see him.  He will take leave from work if one of them has an appointment, his mother and father both drive.  He will bend over backwards for them but not go out of his way for me.  I think Im in a marriage with the three of us.   

Lately though I contiplated my marriage and my life and I hate it.  I seem to becoming a bitter woman who mopes around the house but has to put on the smilely face when we are out with his friends or my family.  On the inside i am breaking.   

It just seems that we are two different people now who want different things.  A few years ago our pet cat died and I was crushed.   I have spent my life with animals and she spent 8 years with us.  At the time my husband suffered with mild asthma.  When she died I was completely lost and mentioned my need for another pet.  He said wait a year and we would see.  Well 3 years have gone by, no pet.  His alergenist said no pets...period.  With this news I had to accept that I would nt have a cat again.  I did research and found that there are some hypo alergenic pets.  When I talked to him about it and he went to his doctor again and she said there was no such thing.  He came home and told me thatI realized that I could nt win.  I had spent time looking for something so that both our needs could be met and I failed.   

It just seems lately that every discussion, he will turn it around and manipulate the conversation until he gets his way.  He become manipulative, controlling just like his mother.   

I have no friends to turn to, except one.  They all have given up on me because they have told me to leave and I havent.  I am so fearful of what everyone will think of me.   

I feel like an outsider in my own life and marriage.  I am miserable.   

Weve been to counseling  few times over the years and it worked great for me but not for him.  I did leave once before only to come back after a month because he said he would change.  It was good for a while but its like being on a rollercoaster, and I want off.   

He tried to justify that the work he does...laundry/ironing equals the work I do, supper, lunch, dishes (no dishwasher..lol) take out the trash, clean bathrooms, vaccum and assorted household duties equals all that I do, plus we both work fulltime.   

I am left waiting almost 20 mins after work everyday.  We drive to work together and park at this work, so I meet him there after work.  In fact I think over the last month he has been on time maybe 6 times.  Im always there waiting, like a good little puppy dog.  We have been late to my family functions because he has to work late.     

I jsut so tired of it all but what does one do when one tried to communicate this and the other person doesnt listen.   

It seems that I have put my life on hold for him.  We didnt have a family because he didnt want a baby within the first two years of marriage, I am now approaching 40 and dont event want to start a family with him now.   

What do I do.  I am filling up with so much hate and depression that I am at my wits end.   

I am a 25 years old young man and I am married to a 34 old woman. We have been married for three years and have not yet started a family. While we were going out and in the first two years of marraige, we were very happy and everything worked out really well, or at least I thought it did. The problem was that we covered up all our frustrations and fears with the hope that it would disappear. I did'nt and now we are faced with it.    

Here are some of our problems:   

-I lost all my friends my age and I cannot fit in with the married couples we are supposed to hang out with, because they are all so much older than I am   

- We want different things in our life at the moment, I am building a career while she wants to start a family  

-She is no longer attractive to me, because her body is changing and she is becoming grey  

-We no longer have sex because we cannot satisfy each other anymore  

-I feel the desire to go out with friends and she always wants to hang with other couples   

-We are living seperate lives  

These are some of our problems and I hope I don't sound selfish, but i have tried to surpress my feelings and it justs keeps coming back to me. Before I got married many people tried to warn me that this would happen, but I was truly blinded by love. It is also difficult to talk to my family and people close to me, because the first that I'm gonna hear is: "I told you so... " I still love her, but I am torn apart by these feelings.   

Can anyone give me advice, because we have come to a point where we should decide if we want to carry on or go our seperate, the latter would be devastating because we still love each other. The big question on my mind is; do we stay together and remain unhappy, do we split up and search for happiness elsewhere or do we stay together until things get better when I am 35 and she is 44?  

I am looking forward to someone's response