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Topic : The Other Woman

Number of Replies: 2963
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:04:06 pm
Author : dataimport
If you've been the other woman, find support here. General talk and debate about infidelity can be found in our Infidelity discussion.

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October 10, 2005, 9:38 am CDT

mrrobe and aurora,

 Something happened to my reply titled "step outside your situation." That was supposed to be a reply to to aurora, not mrrobe. I know that I hit the right "reply to this message" box because when I typed the reply, aurora's message was on my screen, so it's the fault of the board.

My apologies,mrrobe, if you're scratching your head.
 
October 10, 2005, 9:53 am CDT

The worst part of infidelity...

Quote From: mrs_affair

Thank you for your advise.  I'm finding out how right everyone is!  Me and the OM got together a few days ago.  Afterwards, he got really ugly to me because he got a sudden case of guilt.  I've finally had enough.  I've seen him several times since (our kids go to the same school) but have had the will not to speak to him.  I'm still really sad and angry at him, but I know he is right.  He asked me "what if your husband finds out?  What if my wife found out?"  What made me angry is why have sex with me and then get the guilt trip?  He shouldn't be seeing me if he feels that way.  He keeps coming over to me, smiling at me etc, but I've just ignored him.  I'm really proud of myself for that, but not proud of what has happened.  I guess what I need to know now is, is it possible to get on with my life like nothing has happened.  I am very happily married no matter what anyone says.  My husband dosen't suspect a thing.   I know it was just something selfish I was doing for myself.  I think I've had that "bored housewife syndrome".  No one knows about the affair, but like you, I still think about him all the time.  Maybe as more time passes, it will get easier to be without him.   Is there other women out there who have had an affair, ended it and no one ever found out?  I hope if neither of our spouses find out, no one else has to get hurt. 
 I'm glad you have given up the affair. Have you figured out why you went into it to begin with?  If you don't learn what triggered this response in yourself, you could fall prey to it again.

The worst part of it all is the way it changes your opinion of yourself. I was living with someone when I was younger, we were married for all intents and purposes. I found out that he cheated on me, so I turned around and did the same to him. I realize how childish that is, but at the time I was childish. We forgave each other, but it was never the same after that, and  I hated myself.  I now understand that my self-respect and self-image are worth more than somebody else's betrayal.

Do the soul searching it takes to get to the bottom of your motivations. You won't regret it and will be able to forgive yourself, which is the hardest thing to do.
 
October 10, 2005, 10:05 am CDT

You're in a tough position.

Quote From: lutt0031

Thanks for your response. I do not doubt that he loves her but is he in love with her. They have had two children together and a life together. There is a history there. I know he is scared to walk away. I do not doubt that he is in love with me. I'm not sure that that is enough though. His kids and wife are pulling him back in and the longer he doesn't see me the more likely it will be that he stays. The thing is that she is on best behavior for now but she'll slide back to her old ways and he'll be left feeling unimportant again. Why would he allow this to happen again?  

  

I also am left feeling very competitive. It almost feels like I lost and she won. I know I shouldn't think of it in those terms but I do and it's a horrible feeling. It makes me want to call her and tell her all the things he told me about her. Why he was with me...how much better I was than her. The bottom line is that he is home with her and not me and that just SUCKS.  

 Unfortunately, you're the one who is left out. No matter what he has told you though, remember that actions speak louder than words. "Bottom line is that he is home with her and not me." I think this may be your wake up call.

Try not to see it as a competition, because it's not. If you were to call her and tell her all those things, it would just make matters worse for you. He's allowing this to happen because he feels that she is worth it, and their family and children are worth it.

It's sad that you have allowed yourself to fall in love with this guy, and believe everything that he has told you. Don't beat yourself up about whether or not he was lying to you or not, I'm sure he meant every word of it while he was with you. Just like he means every word he tells his wife when she's with him.  The sooner you get a handle on the time you've wasted with him, the sooner you will be able to move on.
 
October 10, 2005, 10:53 am CDT

Help in deciding

For all the other women out there trying to deal with your situation,  read the book "guide to surviving life as a mistress"  Its not a book about staying the other woman,  its real life situations from the men and women that were involved in the situations and about all the things that are going on right now in your relationship.  I guarantee that some part of this book will be your relationship to a tee.  It does give wonderful advice on how to let go and move on and it gives you the truth of what the consequences are if you stay. 

  

I was the other woman for 4 years,  This book made me rethink alot of my decisions and help me get through some really tough times.    

 
October 10, 2005, 2:16 pm CDT

The Other Woman

Quote From: mrs_affair

Thank you for your advise.  I'm finding out how right everyone is!  Me and the OM got together a few days ago.  Afterwards, he got really ugly to me because he got a sudden case of guilt.  I've finally had enough.  I've seen him several times since (our kids go to the same school) but have had the will not to speak to him.  I'm still really sad and angry at him, but I know he is right.  He asked me "what if your husband finds out?  What if my wife found out?"  What made me angry is why have sex with me and then get the guilt trip?  He shouldn't be seeing me if he feels that way.  He keeps coming over to me, smiling at me etc, but I've just ignored him.  I'm really proud of myself for that, but not proud of what has happened.  I guess what I need to know now is, is it possible to get on with my life like nothing has happened.  I am very happily married no matter what anyone says.  My husband dosen't suspect a thing.   I know it was just something selfish I was doing for myself.  I think I've had that "bored housewife syndrome".  No one knows about the affair, but like you, I still think about him all the time.  Maybe as more time passes, it will get easier to be without him.   Is there other women out there who have had an affair, ended it and no one ever found out?  I hope if neither of our spouses find out, no one else has to get hurt. 

You don't need him in your life.  Obviously he is not "well" because one minute he's okay with your guy's situation and then on a whim he's trying to give you a guilt trip. ?? He is playing head games it sounds like.  You can only get on with your life if that's really what you want to do.  For me... it took a while.  I told my other guy to back off and let me have some time to make decisions and it only lasted for so long.  Then of course later on everything exploded.  It's still hard to move on and I don't know that emotionally I have moved on.  He is still a part of my daily thought process (almost).  If you are married then maybe it's time to think and consider the real reasons you stepped out of your marriage.  And then work on making your marriage better so that you hopefully won't be tempted to do that again.  No matter whether this guy leaves you alone or not.  No matter what.. you have to be clear with what you want and you must tell him that and make it clear.  Don't leave room for misinterrpretations.  That will only cause you trouble and make room for more confusion and you don't need that. 

 
October 10, 2005, 2:29 pm CDT

The Other Woman

Quote From: duncanlvr

For all the other women out there trying to deal with your situation,  read the book "guide to surviving life as a mistress"  Its not a book about staying the other woman,  its real life situations from the men and women that were involved in the situations and about all the things that are going on right now in your relationship.  I guarantee that some part of this book will be your relationship to a tee.  It does give wonderful advice on how to let go and move on and it gives you the truth of what the consequences are if you stay. 

  

I was the other woman for 4 years,  This book made me rethink alot of my decisions and help me get through some really tough times.    

I think I will look into getting this book.  Thank you for suggesting it.  I am really wanting to get my life back in order and get him off of my mind so that I don't let him cloud my every thought.  It's haunting sometimes.  It's a shame that affairs can make you into a seemingly whole different person than what you thought you were.
 
October 13, 2005, 3:28 pm CDT

Thankyou for advise

Quote From: ritehere

 Imagine that your daughter were in this predicament, or if you don't have a daughter, your best friend, or your mother. What would you say to her?

Now, think about how common-law #3 sounds as your new title?

Remember Dr Phil's truism: past behavior is an indicator of future behavior, AND we teach people how to treat us. Have you asked #1 and #2 how they got into this mess and how they feel about it? Or are you just listening to what romeo is telling you?

Sorry to be so harsh, but I think you know all of this already and are just posting to validate what you feel inside but are unwilling to accept. Am I right?
 I have spoken to each common-law ex. I know the situation about each of them. I posted here because I do NOT want to be common-law #3. I did want to be wife #1. I have since told him to make up his mind about what he wants. I am moving away from where I live now. I told him to let me know what his intentions were before I leave. If he is really serious about me then he can marry me. I won't settle for less. If he decides marriage is not for him then I will NOT see him anymore. You weren't harsh, either. I knew I HAD to do SOMETHING,  but was really torn and confused. Thankyou for posting a reply to me. It really helped.
 
October 16, 2005, 5:45 am CDT

Look at your title, "other woman"

Quote From: lutt0031

Thanks for your response. I do not doubt that he loves her but is he in love with her. They have had two children together and a life together. There is a history there. I know he is scared to walk away. I do not doubt that he is in love with me. I'm not sure that that is enough though. His kids and wife are pulling him back in and the longer he doesn't see me the more likely it will be that he stays. The thing is that she is on best behavior for now but she'll slide back to her old ways and he'll be left feeling unimportant again. Why would he allow this to happen again?  

  

I also am left feeling very competitive. It almost feels like I lost and she won. I know I shouldn't think of it in those terms but I do and it's a horrible feeling. It makes me want to call her and tell her all the things he told me about her. Why he was with me...how much better I was than her. The bottom line is that he is home with her and not me and that just SUCKS.  

I am very disturbed by your thinking in this situation.  What right do you have as the other woman to stick your nose where it doesn't belong.  First and foremost this marriage and the things that go on in it are none of your business.  This is not a competition.  This is a real life situation where the children will wind up a heavy price for your selfishness.  Why would you even want to be with a man who lies, cheats and manipulated to be with you.  If he cheats with you, he will cheat on you!  His wife and children are pulling him back for good reason.  You make the wife out to sound selifish, but all you know is what he's told you and that may not necessarily be the truth.  She may not have been the perfect wife, but I can assure you he was probably not the perfect husband either and that may have had a big influence on her negative feelings about him and the marriage.  There again, it is not your call, you really don't know what went on in their marriage, all you know  is what he told you and that may just be a big crock of lies!  Most men will do whatever, whenever and however to "get some" and is that the position you really want to be in??  How can you even begin to build a relationship that was started under lies and cheating?
 
October 16, 2005, 4:36 pm CDT

Not sure why you're upset...

Quote From: mls2005

I am very disturbed by your thinking in this situation.  What right do you have as the other woman to stick your nose where it doesn't belong.  First and foremost this marriage and the things that go on in it are none of your business.  This is not a competition.  This is a real life situation where the children will wind up a heavy price for your selfishness.  Why would you even want to be with a man who lies, cheats and manipulated to be with you.  If he cheats with you, he will cheat on you!  His wife and children are pulling him back for good reason.  You make the wife out to sound selifish, but all you know is what he's told you and that may not necessarily be the truth.  She may not have been the perfect wife, but I can assure you he was probably not the perfect husband either and that may have had a big influence on her negative feelings about him and the marriage.  There again, it is not your call, you really don't know what went on in their marriage, all you know  is what he told you and that may just be a big crock of lies!  Most men will do whatever, whenever and however to "get some" and is that the position you really want to be in??  How can you even begin to build a relationship that was started under lies and cheating?

First of all, I did not put my nose where it didn't belong. He put his nose where he shouldn't have been. This is not my problem. I was led to believe that his marriage was over and he was half way out the door. I do not feel badly for this woman. If half of what he told me is true then she's lucky she kept any man for as long as she did. I honestly do not feel sorry for her. I hate her, truly. She is the reason I am not with him. She is using her children to keep a man that she knows does not want to be with her. She has threatened that she will tell the kids all the affair details if he doesn't stay with her. How pathetic is that?  

  

I also don't buy into the mentality that once a cheater, always a cheater. I think that people make mistakes and sometimes marry the wrong person. I am confident that I would last with him. I do not think he would cheat on me. The problem with his marriage is that she wouldn't stop shopping long enough to give him any attention. She gets what she deserves. If there was a way I could break them up quicker, I would. His marriage is doomed. There is no way this woman is getting over his affair with me. She is already busting his chops at every turn. This will not improve.  

 
October 16, 2005, 6:38 pm CDT

Half way out the door

Quote From: lutt0031

First of all, I did not put my nose where it didn't belong. He put his nose where he shouldn't have been. This is not my problem. I was led to believe that his marriage was over and he was half way out the door. I do not feel badly for this woman. If half of what he told me is true then she's lucky she kept any man for as long as she did. I honestly do not feel sorry for her. I hate her, truly. She is the reason I am not with him. She is using her children to keep a man that she knows does not want to be with her. She has threatened that she will tell the kids all the affair details if he doesn't stay with her. How pathetic is that?  

  

I also don't buy into the mentality that once a cheater, always a cheater. I think that people make mistakes and sometimes marry the wrong person. I am confident that I would last with him. I do not think he would cheat on me. The problem with his marriage is that she wouldn't stop shopping long enough to give him any attention. She gets what she deserves. If there was a way I could break them up quicker, I would. His marriage is doomed. There is no way this woman is getting over his affair with me. She is already busting his chops at every turn. This will not improve.  

You jumped into bed with a man who wasn't ready to leave his marriage.  He may be one day but in the meantime his wife is not to blame for your misery. 

 
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