Topic : True Love

After I posted my response to you yesterday, I scrolled down and saw another response to your message which gave me a little more detail.  I wish I had seen it first which would have helped me give you a better response. 

Nevertheless, I am glad that you are able to see what the issue is, you're accepting your responsibility and you are dealing with it.  I'm glad that your wife has a "good" friend.  I meet so many women who are connected to the wrong women. 

Keep your marriage alive and keep growing.  When the marriage is good, the children are blessed. 

One of the things I encourage people to do before they get into another relationship is to make sure that they are free of feelings (love and hurt) from old relationships otherwise they will carry into the next.  As a Christian I have learned that time doesn't really heal.  I also believe that when it comes to matters of the heart, Christ is the true healer because it is such a deeply internal thing.  I say that with no intent to force my beliefs on you.  Back to the issue of time.  Time is more of an anesthesia.  If enough of time goes by, you'll forget and think  the love or hurt is gone.  It's an unseen numbness.  And if you're in a new relationship, you'll be convinced even more because the new feelings will overshadow the old.  Then, later in life, unexpectedly, something happens and all of that hidden stuff resurfaces.  It's a horrible deception that our emotions play on us. 

But, you're where you are at today so let's deal from there.  One thing that you can't do is feed the feelings.  You know what stirs up your feelings for this gentleman.  Stay away from those things even if that means cutting off contact.  Don't give into sitting around thinking about him and what could have been.  Don't dwell on the memories of what you did do.  We do have control over our thoughts.  As Martin Luther King, Jr said, "you can't stop birds from flying over your head, but you can stop them from building a nest in your head".  Don't fool yourself into thinking that you can have innocent conversations and that will be okay.  The bottom line is, if you are married, you should have no secret friendships from you husband ... especially male friendships.  In marriage, the two shall become one.  There should be love, truth, honor and respect.  Be honest with yourself and recognize how staying in contact with this gentleman can effect any of those elements.  Protect your marriage.  Guard your heart. 

You are married now and your deep feelings should be for your husband, not someone of the past.  He's married, you're married.  That is the reality.   So deal in reality.  Be aware that what has surfaced can effect your behavior toward your husband.  He will notice.  In which case, if that happens, you will have to be honest with your husband if you truly love him.  You want to be in a position whereas you are able to tell your husband honestly that you are not keeping contact with this gentleman.  You don't want seeds of deception in your marriage either. 

I can't imagine being in your shoes and I won't pretend.  But I'll say this, before I even started dating my husband, I knew in my heart that there were no feelings there for anyone else whom I had been involved with previously  ... good or bad.  I believe firmly that it was God through Christ and the work of the Holy Spirit who brought about the healing that I needed to move on successfully into a new relationship.  That took time of separating myself from any male relationship and giving God time to work in me.  I love my husband so much.  God has done such an awesome work in my heart by His Spirit that I don't even compare my husband to men of the past.   

Not knowing what your beliefs are, I can only reiterate that you keep your distance (phone, email, etc.) if it's going to cause a stirring in you that would disrupt your marriage in any way.  As married people, we have to honor our vows in our hearts and fight any temptation that would cause us to dishonor our vows in any way (thought, action, words). 

Be encouraged and strenghtened to make a "wise" decision. 

I need help...I am in the middle of a crisis and I do not have clarity.  

     I know that different people exhibit Bipolar disorder differently. Some people tend on the manic side and have feelings of invulnerability, no need for sleep, heightened sense of power from force or coercion, a fast forward kind of feeling all around them. (I know that there is a bipolar section but I wanted to talk here too because of the whole content of my story) 

    I guess I should start from the beginning. I appreciate whatever help comes. I have a lot to get off my chest at the moment. This might be a mini-novel.  

   At the present,  I am 30 and my Love is 35. I met him about 11 years ago and we were sweethearts, crazy for each other from the start, went everywhere together, worked at the same job, stayed at his house and then mine alternately, partied together, camped together, etc. etc...However, after almost a year, I discovered him at a strip club, hated that, and shortly thereafter he broke up with me....also, his Mom, when she discovered there was a "me" tried to glare my head off and told me to find people of my own kind, people who had not graduated from college whose parents had divorced...well, this put quite a damper on the relationship, mostly because my bf didn't take up for me. I mean I understand there are people in the world who are judgmental.  That she could have been afraid of losing her son and such, but when he didn't stand up to her I had plenty of red flags. This not standing up to her was part of being in the family, I came to find out.  So, we had our issues.  

     After he broke up with me, I decided to leave town to attend a teacher training course for a specific type of meditation. I lived an alternative life. I mean I lived in a group of people, not with my biological family and I taught classes around the world on meditating. So, different than what my biological family had hoped for but I was happy and I felt like I was with "my" people so to speak.   So, maybe 5 years of this around about and I moved to Australia then Las Vegas then Minnesota ( I am kind of nomadic in nature) then back to where I had met this man who had once held my heart. I moved back to start a business with a friend who lives in the area.  My lost love and I quickly rekindled all kinds of interests with each other and some new healthier ones as well!  Now I had more in my history to make me unfit in the eyes of his mother and maybe him as well. Teaching meditation and living with anyone other than one's biological family is sinful, more than likely anyway. So, other things were rekindled too. Conflict.  

      Now this man and I have a lot of positive energy together. We encourage each other to do our best and take care of each other. We nurture and stroke the other. We listen and talk. Well, mostly I talk and he listens. I encourage him to talk and he does more than he did formerly. I have always said that I can imagine us moving to a foreign country and running an orphanage or the like. We both love to serve and be the doers as opposed to the committee type. For example, at our church many people talk about feeding the homeless but by the time they say adjourned, we have said the blessing on the steps of the shelter. lol. There are many good and lovely aspects to our togetherness and boy oh boy have we changed and matured since those first times years ago! Including but not limited to the fact that he had learned a healthy, or mostly healthy, way of standing up to his mother when she degraded me more recently. 

     This woman, who had bullied and name-called me, scoffing at my love and desire to marry her son, last week passed away. Now listen there are many outstanding things to be said for her, she loved the Church and her family, she worked hard everyday, she had two Masters...and there's plenty more. It is only necessary that I tell how she related to me as well, because it is a part of why I feel so lost and in need of clarity at the moment. She had been sick for about a year and in a way it was not a big surprise her passing. The lack of surprise has served to prepare my partner in a way, he says, but I am not so sure about that. 

      It has been 6 days and I have stood by him literally since the moment the nursing home called to say she was going downhill. Since her passing, I have listened to all the marvelous things about her, as is appropriate. I invited my Mother and Grandmother to the funeral.  I have hugged and listened and done whatever was in front of me to do gladly.  

     Now, we are back home and I am fighting back the tears to get to this part...My Love was diagnosed with bipolar disorder before I met him 11 years ago and has been using medication for quite some time. I have only heard stories about how It effects him and the things he has done, bought or destroyed. I am as of today having a front row seat. I do not know what to do or how to truly be of any consolation, help or support...:::tears:::...I think I should not be his partner. My stomach churns and my heart aches when I am around him in this state of wound up nerves and disconnected feelings. I will not abandon him. However, I cannot be with him in the same way I was before. I feel scared around him, not for my immediate safety, but just that he is not there, with me. He, the True Him, is gone somewhere and I do not know where. We are not connecting. He is not behind his eyes in the same way.....I want to trust that God is in control here but I know we can deny this authority at times and create chaos.  I feel that chaos is coming and I do not want to be part of the shrapnel. I have heard Dr. Phil say, "friends are those that are coming in the door when everyone else is going out." I want to be that friend...if it is at all possible.....::::tears:::...... 

     I know he has many feelings and thoughts under the high-powered, do it all himself mode, fearlessness. I know he needs time. I know he may feel a conflict of interest since he wants to honor his Mother and she (most of the time, but not all of the time) did not like me. I can see that he may need space, but I can see that he may need company....how do I be there for him and not repress the fear that I feel in his presence? I want to do the right thing for his healing and not to continue to create more suffering.  

     :::big breath::: I have considered coming on-line and becoming a member for as long as I've watched Dr. Phil, but it is not until I am in tears with a breaking heart that I have made it here.  

My husband found out about me having contact with my true love.  I told him how I was feeling.  He was very angry and was about to kick me out of the house.  He had every intention of keeping our son and making me leave alone.  His thought if I want to leave him I am leaving our son too.  I was very upset and told him I wanted to try to fix our relationship.  He decided to try and work things out.  I do love my husband and care about him.  I just am not as happy as I feel I could be.  I promised my husband to not have contact with my true love.  I called my true love  and told him the situation and he appologized for causing problems in my marriage.  He didn't want to make problems for me, but he felt that since I had contacted him he wanted to tell me everything he has wanted to tell me for the past four years.  He just told me if I ever wanted to talk or if I ever needed him to just call him.  He understood that I was trying to make my marriage work.  I vowed to God that I would love and care for my husband till death do us part, but how can I do that if I think about my true love almost everyday?  Plus, I don't want our son to experience the effects of divorce.   

Thanks I am glad I am not the only one with these feelings.. 

And you can totally undersatand what I am feeling. 

It's no good other people judging unless they have or are in the same situation.. 

Hi Dr Phil: 

I recently married my true love, after five years of relationship, and I´m very happy by his side, he is a medical resident, he´s at his second year of pediatrics, and when I married him I had to leave my home town (Torreon- a small city) to move to Mexico City during his residency, although the time I share with him is great, is not as much as we would like... his schedule is very demanding and when he comes home he's really tired... so... I feel lonely, I miss my family, and some times is very hard to be in a completly different environment... alone...how can I feel better? I want my marriage to be successfull...