I'm not even going to pretend that I know what the two of you are going through. I'd be lying. But I must say this as a married woman. I hope that you are able to understand without taking offense. I could give you the speech about resolving issues of past relationships before you marry someone but it's too late for that because the two of you have married someone other than who you profess to be your true loves.
The reality is, you are married to someone else and that is where your focus should be. When you stepped into the covenant of marriage, you made a decision to stick with your spouse "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, til death do you part". So, your concern shouldn't be whether or not you should spend time with that ex. Your focus should be on making your marriage work. Your focus should be to protect your marriage from anything that would add to it falling apart. It is possible. You just have to choose.
The truth is, we can't turn back the hands of time so we must live where we are. We have to let go of the past in order to move on in the future. This takes conscience effort.
1. Understand your position. YOU ARE MARRIED!
2. Know that love isn't a "feeling". How you feel when you're with a person is just a symptom. When you truly understand what "love" is, you'll realize that you can love your present spouse even more so than that ex-love. Love is patient, kind, unselfish, forgiving, considerate of others and not rude, endures and bears with. These characteristics of love require us to "choose" and go beyond how we feel. Feelings change, love doesn't. How you choose to express love may differ but love is what it is.
3. This may be the most difficult for you to chew on but here goes. The vows that we made to our spouses was also made to God and just because that other spouse isn't doing their part doesn't mean we are not required to fulfill our part. By now you are shaking your head. That's okay. I'm used to that response. Imagine if every married person actually understood the vows they made and what "covenant" relationship is truly all about. There would be no divorce. Unfortunately some people don't get married for the right reasons, some people don't get married understanding their vows, and some people don't understand what love really is so they get married based on how they feel. Marriage is both beautiful and challenging.
As Joyce Meyers would say "I am always on my mind". What does that mean? We're always thinking about self. We're always looking for someone else or something external to make us happy. Imagine if we actually found pleasure in making someone else happy. hmmmmmmmmmmm.
It can't be easy being a stay at home mom when your spouse is working all the time. But until your husband gets a revelation from God about his true position in the home, men tend to lean toward working alot because that is their way of showing love to their families .... by providing. It may not be the best expression to a woman when we need hands on attention, but ask any man. Most men, with the acception of lazy bums, think that when they provide for their families, they are showing love. Unfortunately it is unbalanced because they provide materially but the emotional and relational side gets neglected.
Do I have any suggestions that might help?
1. Get connected with women who are in successful marriages that will encourage you to press through and not give up?
2. Allow God to heal that area of your heart that longs for someone other than your spouse?
3. Don't fall for the trick of emotions that causes you to migrate toward another man just because you are not currently pleased with your spouse?
4. Train your mind. Yes, it is possible. A famous quote says, "you can't stop a bird from flying over your head but you can stop it from making a nest in your head". When thoughts of that other man come, think of your husband. When your husband displeases you, don't sit and mull over it unless you're looking for productive solutions to have a successful outcome. What we spend time thinking about makes a home in our hearts and eventually manifest in our behavior and words.
5. Don't make someone else responsible for your happiness. The truth is, we should be happy before we get married because we are emotionally healthy. Unfortunately, many people get married broken and use marriage as a means to fulfill some area of emptiness.
6. Realize that we all make mistakes and don't have to live our lives in guilt and condemnation. You can move on. It is up to you. Forgive yourself. If you have an opportunity to repent to the other person do so, but if you don't have the opportunity, receive forgiveness for yourself and move on. It may take some time, but you can do it. Not forgiving yourself is the same as not forgiving someone else because you are important to God.
7. READ. We go to school to get trained professionally. We read books to further our careers. Why not invest in a good book on marriage to help us where we are falling short? We all need help. No one is born into the world knowing how to be married. Can I suggest a few? "Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian. "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggerichs. "Divorce Proof Your Married" by Gary Rosberg. "Help, I'm Married" by Joyce Married.
Best wishes to both of you ladies. I hope that you will choose to let go of the past, forgive where it is needed (self or someone else), and grab hold of what can be a wonderful future with your spouse.
