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Topic : 12/22 Custody Battles Gone Bad

Number of Replies: 373
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Created on : Friday, September 29, 2006, 09:47:40 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 10/04/06) Jan went on the run with her grandson the day her son-in-law, Chris, was released from jail. Jan believes Chris killed her daughter, and says she now fears for her own life and the life of her 4-year-old grandson. After serving time for involuntary manslaughter in the death of his wife, Chris says he will stop at nothing to regain custody of his son. Jan comes face-to-face with the man she has been in hiding from for a year. Then, see a custody battle that kept a mother fighting for her daughter for nearly a decade. Now reunited, Irene struggles to parent her daughter, Brittany, who was torn from her as a 7-year-old and returned as a teenager. Can these two bridge the gap and learn to be a family again? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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October 1, 2006, 6:38 pm CDT

I COMPLETELY understand

I am a mother whose daughter was severely spanked by her father in Jan 2006.  The kids have been questioned repeatedly, going through counseling where several other very disturbing things have came out that involve locks being on the outside of my daughters door and all three ages at that time 3, 6 & 7, being locked outside, and all the emotional ups and downs that has gone on before and after Jan.  It has been a nightmare.  My ex has only been charged with a misdemeanor and after having 2 hour supervised visits one day a week to which all did NOT go well, DFS recommended that he go back to his regular visitation schedule.  The kids are scared and at least one of them  cry and refuse to go.  However I have been told that there is nothing I can do until my modification comes up this month or until he hurts the kids again.  I have tried everything to get my case heard sooner, I have written state representatives and I have even written Robin to see what she would do if she was in my shoes.  I swear if he ever hurts these kids again and they would put the kids right back with him, I would consider running.  What else can a parent do to protect their kids?  The laws are not there to help.  If a grown woman gets beaten by her husband or boyfriend and then goes back to her abuser, we as a society usually say that she asked for it because she went back.  Well, in my case, my children who are now 4, 7 & 8 are saying that they are scared and do not want to go back but the law says they have to.  I'm sorry, but this is messed up.  So the women, and in some cases, the men that protect their children at all cost, good for you.  I hope I am never in the situation where that has to be something I have to consider but I can't honestly say that I haven't thought about it.  I just can't imagine kids being away from all their family and friends.  I guess I am still somewhat of an optimist because with everything my ex has done, I can still see the importance of my kids knowing and seeing, on some level, their dad.  I just  wish he would get his head out of his butt and be the kind of dad that I know he could be instead of the dad he has been and is being.
 
October 2, 2006, 6:13 am CDT

Custody Battles

Custody battles usually occur between those who DO NOT care about the children, in  most cases, and is furthered by attorneys and judges that listen to the side with the most money or who is friends with the judge. 

Try having your children taken away from their mother who had sole custody for four years.  The father had more important things to do than be a father and took limited visitation.  However, as soon as he found a woman to marry with a lot of money that wanted to get custody of the two children in order to maintain control over him, they filed for custody.  Money is more important to him than the happiness of his children. 

Was custody taken away from a bad mother and given to a good father?  Quite the contrary.  The official reason was because "the mother was either directly or indirectly trying to alienate the children from their father".  Of course there was absolutely no documentation, no proof, no testimony, but the judge is friends with the father's wife's and her attorney.  In small towns, money talks and justice was not served.  The boys hate their father and his new wife for having been ripped from their mother.  There visitation as been reduced to one weekend a month.  Therapists involved testified that it would be detrimental to the children but no one would listen and the judge does not care.

The damage to these children will last their lifetime.  The sad part about it is that the judge could have taken into consideration the damage she was causing and stopped it. 

 
October 2, 2006, 9:43 am CDT

Custody Battles..

  As a parent that has been going through a custody battle I guess you could say for a little over a year now I know how you feel it is very hard.. granted my ordeal could be a lot worse but thank god my daughter's biological father is what we call a disney land dad cause he doesn't want her full time he just wants her every other weekend saturday morning to sunday afternoon. and every other holliday.. and his mother is something else let me tell you.. his mother apporched me a couple months ago cause they wanted to take my daughter to tennessee cause his father is dying from copd and conjestive heart failure.. and I could have said no she can't go I mean that is my right as her mother but had I done that and not allowed her to go even though she is not yet two they would have used that against me when she got older it is hard to share your child with the other parent especially when that other parent is just out to hurt you or make you look bad my husband and I have had our work cut out for us over the the last year every weekend that she comes back from being over there she is a little monster my daughter's real father does not tell her no they do not correct her or  disipline her they let her run amuck..  it is also hard when the other parent is jealous of your husband boyfriend girlfriend wife what ever the case may be cause then you have to deal with them teaching your child what to call the other person. like my daughter has called my husband daddy since she learned how to talk cause he has been there since pretty much day one.. however matt and his mom decided to teach her to call my husband brice cause he felt threatened by her calling brice daddy,..but the lucky thing for us was it back fired on them cause when we pulled up to pick her up she screamed daddy and ran to brice.. but anyway  custody battles are hard sharing your children is hard but with time and lots of paitents and love you can over come anything.. the other question you have to ask yourself is what age is the right age to explain to them what happened between you and their other parent when those questions start poping up...I just don't know if any age is a good age cause it still hurts no matter what...                                                      

                                                                        Morgan

 

 
October 2, 2006, 9:49 am CDT

Dear mother of scared ones.....

Quote From: kimmy37

I am a mother whose daughter was severely spanked by her father in Jan 2006.  The kids have been questioned repeatedly, going through counseling where several other very disturbing things have came out that involve locks being on the outside of my daughters door and all three ages at that time 3, 6 & 7, being locked outside, and all the emotional ups and downs that has gone on before and after Jan.  It has been a nightmare.  My ex has only been charged with a misdemeanor and after having 2 hour supervised visits one day a week to which all did NOT go well, DFS recommended that he go back to his regular visitation schedule.  The kids are scared and at least one of them  cry and refuse to go.  However I have been told that there is nothing I can do until my modification comes up this month or until he hurts the kids again.  I have tried everything to get my case heard sooner, I have written state representatives and I have even written Robin to see what she would do if she was in my shoes.  I swear if he ever hurts these kids again and they would put the kids right back with him, I would consider running.  What else can a parent do to protect their kids?  The laws are not there to help.  If a grown woman gets beaten by her husband or boyfriend and then goes back to her abuser, we as a society usually say that she asked for it because she went back.  Well, in my case, my children who are now 4, 7 & 8 are saying that they are scared and do not want to go back but the law says they have to.  I'm sorry, but this is messed up.  So the women, and in some cases, the men that protect their children at all cost, good for you.  I hope I am never in the situation where that has to be something I have to consider but I can't honestly say that I haven't thought about it.  I just can't imagine kids being away from all their family and friends.  I guess I am still somewhat of an optimist because with everything my ex has done, I can still see the importance of my kids knowing and seeing, on some level, their dad.  I just  wish he would get his head out of his butt and be the kind of dad that I know he could be instead of the dad he has been and is being.

I completly understand how you feel.  I have a 11 years old son that doesn't see his father very much but doesn't trust him either.  I have contacted the police in my erea and they said the same thing to me......that he is his father and that he has his rights..can you beleive that??? that is crasy!  then they wonder why children are groing up all screwed up ( Parden my language ) but its the truth.  You try to do your best in raising them and someon like that has to ruin it for you! 

Even with child support they are not there either! you acll them and tell them and nothing gets done.  Beleive me you are not th only one in the owrld that lives this way we are all here too.

 

Take care and hope all goes well soon for you.

 
October 2, 2006, 9:53 am CDT

10/04 Custody Battles Gone Bad

Quote From: tagalong1

Custody battles usually occur between those who DO NOT care about the children, in  most cases, and is furthered by attorneys and judges that listen to the side with the most money or who is friends with the judge. 

Try having your children taken away from their mother who had sole custody for four years.  The father had more important things to do than be a father and took limited visitation.  However, as soon as he found a woman to marry with a lot of money that wanted to get custody of the two children in order to maintain control over him, they filed for custody.  Money is more important to him than the happiness of his children. 

Was custody taken away from a bad mother and given to a good father?  Quite the contrary.  The official reason was because "the mother was either directly or indirectly trying to alienate the children from their father".  Of course there was absolutely no documentation, no proof, no testimony, but the judge is friends with the father's wife's and her attorney.  In small towns, money talks and justice was not served.  The boys hate their father and his new wife for having been ripped from their mother.  There visitation as been reduced to one weekend a month.  Therapists involved testified that it would be detrimental to the children but no one would listen and the judge does not care.

The damage to these children will last their lifetime.  The sad part about it is that the judge could have taken into consideration the damage she was causing and stopped it. 

To tell you the truth I live in Canada and the system is the same here!  Yes It sucks, and there is nothing we can do for our children.  we try to be good parents but something always happens.

The EX'S always want to make your life a living hell.  I know first hand.

 

I think we just need to get together and fight to the end on this one.

 
October 2, 2006, 10:11 am CDT

Custody battles

Quote From: msvibes

  As a parent that has been going through a custody battle I guess you could say for a little over a year now I know how you feel it is very hard.. granted my ordeal could be a lot worse but thank god my daughter's biological father is what we call a disney land dad cause he doesn't want her full time he just wants her every other weekend saturday morning to sunday afternoon. and every other holliday.. and his mother is something else let me tell you.. his mother apporched me a couple months ago cause they wanted to take my daughter to tennessee cause his father is dying from copd and conjestive heart failure.. and I could have said no she can't go I mean that is my right as her mother but had I done that and not allowed her to go even though she is not yet two they would have used that against me when she got older it is hard to share your child with the other parent especially when that other parent is just out to hurt you or make you look bad my husband and I have had our work cut out for us over the the last year every weekend that she comes back from being over there she is a little monster my daughter's real father does not tell her no they do not correct her or  disipline her they let her run amuck..  it is also hard when the other parent is jealous of your husband boyfriend girlfriend wife what ever the case may be cause then you have to deal with them teaching your child what to call the other person. like my daughter has called my husband daddy since she learned how to talk cause he has been there since pretty much day one.. however matt and his mom decided to teach her to call my husband brice cause he felt threatened by her calling brice daddy,..but the lucky thing for us was it back fired on them cause when we pulled up to pick her up she screamed daddy and ran to brice.. but anyway  custody battles are hard sharing your children is hard but with time and lots of paitents and love you can over come anything.. the other question you have to ask yourself is what age is the right age to explain to them what happened between you and their other parent when those questions start poping up...I just don't know if any age is a good age cause it still hurts no matter what...                                                      

                                                                        Morgan

 

It is NEVER a good time to explain to a child what happened between two adults. Just tell her it did not work out between daddy and yourself except for the fact that YOU a little wonderful person was born. And in my case I tell her that now she has four parents that love her. Most kids only have two so she is lucky indeed. It is sometimes very difficult to leave yourself out of it when talking to your kid about her other family. BUT YOU MUST TRY. It's not about you. If you believe that those people love your child also and would not hurt her then you have to let go of all the other stuff that does not involve her. Help them out, even if you got hurt, help them do the right thing for your child. It really does make it easier on your child. She should believe that all is OK, and that she is so special and lucky to have so many more people to love her. Then go to the gym alone and beat the hell out of a punching bag. Or take a kick boxing class and picture your ex lovers face on the bag.
 
October 2, 2006, 10:37 am CDT

Custody Battles

I am starting to know what it is like dealing with a custody battle.  My fiance's ex has decided just recently that she wants sole custody of his daughter.  She has been very unreasonable from the time they got separated.  She first started out by agreeing that they would have joint custody, then she moved in with her boyfriend and brought her 4 year old daughter into that situation after only a few months of dating and when my fiance questioned her about that she started to changer her tune.  She then said that he could only have her every second weekend and only during the daytime unless he was at his mothers house.  Her reasoning for this was that he wouldn't know how to console her if she was upset but yet he was the one the daughter always went to when things were rough before she kicked him out.  He was the one that got up with her every night when she was an infant because his ex would ignore the crying.  Then just recently his ex's father passed away and we cant be certain but we are pretty sure that there was a large settlement to his daughter in a trust fund and the way it works in Canada, both guardians must sign for any withdrawal of a trust fund.  We believe that she wants to have sole access to this fund without having my fiance's knowledge of this.  We don't want to have any access to this money but we want to protect this from being dwindled away by her mother.  It is very frusterating because when we do get her every second weekend, we spend most of our time trying to get this little girl to not be afraid of everything, to not be such a drama queen about everything and to stop her from lying about everything....she is only 5 years old and I think if her mother keeps things up, this little girl is going to wind up with ulcers or have a huge anxiety problem.  We are looking into getting some councelling for this little girl but it is hard when we only get her every second weekend.  We do not want to pull her away from her mother because every child needs their mother.  I know that her mother feels threatened by me but she really does not need to because I would never try to replace her.  My fiance's ex has no reason to be so selfish, my fiance pays child support every month plus pays for any extra things like dance lessons, swimming, etc.  He doesn't want to take his daughter away from her mother but she is beginning to back him into a corner and he is beginning to think that he will have to fight for his daughter and ask for joint custody with primary residence with us.  We feel there is no other option.

 
October 2, 2006, 10:43 am CDT

I know how this feels

My ex-husband has just taken custody of my 2 little girls.  They are 4 and 7.  He was completely emotionally abusive to me and my teenager; so, I finally had to leave on March 4, 2004.  The fighting has never stopped.  I took nothing when I left and I agreed to shared custody when I left just because I didn't want to fight anymore.  But, the harassment and arguing continued until I broke.  I tried to commit suicide on April 28th of this year.  Since then, he has fought for full custody of the kids and WON.  We had a home study done and it was so full of lies!!!  It said that my children were on a "sugar diet" when they were with me and that I was the one harassing Jamie and that I call my children names constantly and of course, Jamie does have a better home, so, that was used against me too.

 

So, as of just last week, I have lost custody of my little girls.  They are completely devestated by it all.  And, of course, so am I.  I just don't understand how this has all happened, but, I don't have the money to fight him any longer.

 

The legal system has screwed me over so bad and I feel hopeless and I don't know what to do or how to even have the strength to hold my head up any longer.  I feel so defeated and I don't have the money to fight him and nobody to help me.

 
October 2, 2006, 11:11 am CDT

custody battles

Quote From: msvibes

  As a parent that has been going through a custody battle I guess you could say for a little over a year now I know how you feel it is very hard.. granted my ordeal could be a lot worse but thank god my daughter's biological father is what we call a disney land dad cause he doesn't want her full time he just wants her every other weekend saturday morning to sunday afternoon. and every other holliday.. and his mother is something else let me tell you.. his mother apporched me a couple months ago cause they wanted to take my daughter to tennessee cause his father is dying from copd and conjestive heart failure.. and I could have said no she can't go I mean that is my right as her mother but had I done that and not allowed her to go even though she is not yet two they would have used that against me when she got older it is hard to share your child with the other parent especially when that other parent is just out to hurt you or make you look bad my husband and I have had our work cut out for us over the the last year every weekend that she comes back from being over there she is a little monster my daughter's real father does not tell her no they do not correct her or  disipline her they let her run amuck..  it is also hard when the other parent is jealous of your husband boyfriend girlfriend wife what ever the case may be cause then you have to deal with them teaching your child what to call the other person. like my daughter has called my husband daddy since she learned how to talk cause he has been there since pretty much day one.. however matt and his mom decided to teach her to call my husband brice cause he felt threatened by her calling brice daddy,..but the lucky thing for us was it back fired on them cause when we pulled up to pick her up she screamed daddy and ran to brice.. but anyway  custody battles are hard sharing your children is hard but with time and lots of paitents and love you can over come anything.. the other question you have to ask yourself is what age is the right age to explain to them what happened between you and their other parent when those questions start poping up...I just don't know if any age is a good age cause it still hurts no matter what...                                                      

                                                                        Morgan

 

 I have a son going through the same thing he met wife when she was 5 mos pregnant her ex had moved on and kicked her to the curb,it took about 6 mo for my son to fall in Love with her and help her through this time.after the baby was born and they wanted to make it as a couple when the babies daddy decides he wants her back,so for the baby to have a family she said bye to my son only to be kicked to the curb again.Now 1yr later my son who is in the Navy marries this girl we all Love her and the baby .The custody battle which my son is paying for with money and emotions lives in Maine, she can not leave New Mexico the lawyers keep finding reasons why this can not go to court,more therapist more letters to his lawyer and still no end in sight her lawyer made up her mind it would take till Dec and it seems like it could go longer as long as the cash is flowing.  So the babies daddy has the new girlfriend who he dumped her for  has her for a baby sitter can be late to pick up the baby or with child support and read her the riot ACT any time he wants and my son who loves this woman and baby and wants to make a family with them  is alone and the lawyers are getting rich along with the therapist.

  It would be nice for Dr.Phil to have a show on custody laws and what are the Judges looking for   The  Mother -in -Love

 
October 2, 2006, 11:52 am CDT

I understand houw you feel

Quote From: bingobag34

My ex-husband has just taken custody of my 2 little girls.  They are 4 and 7.  He was completely emotionally abusive to me and my teenager; so, I finally had to leave on March 4, 2004.  The fighting has never stopped.  I took nothing when I left and I agreed to shared custody when I left just because I didn't want to fight anymore.  But, the harassment and arguing continued until I broke.  I tried to commit suicide on April 28th of this year.  Since then, he has fought for full custody of the kids and WON.  We had a home study done and it was so full of lies!!!  It said that my children were on a "sugar diet" when they were with me and that I was the one harassing Jamie and that I call my children names constantly and of course, Jamie does have a better home, so, that was used against me too.

 

So, as of just last week, I have lost custody of my little girls.  They are completely devestated by it all.  And, of course, so am I.  I just don't understand how this has all happened, but, I don't have the money to fight him any longer.

 

The legal system has screwed me over so bad and I feel hopeless and I don't know what to do or how to even have the strength to hold my head up any longer.  I feel so defeated and I don't have the money to fight him and nobody to help me.

I understand the pain you are feeling with just having lost custody of your daughters and believing that the legal system screwed you over.  I understand the hopelessness and the helplessness you feel.  Nothing can ever prepare you for how to handle these types of situations.  I went through it 20 years ago and my children who are now adults still suffer, as do I.  I still lay awake at night wishing that I could have prevented the pain for all of us.  During the time of our custody battle, I kept a diary.  My intent was to watch my own motives so that I did not inflict more pain on anyone than the situation already caused.  For a long time, when I read my entries, I felt justified in what I wrote.  Now when I look at it 20 years later, I sometimes cringe and wish I had done things differently.  I can't give you any real advice, because to this day I do not know how to handle a situation like this.   However, I will share with you some of my thoughts.  The children need peace more than anything else.  In a custody battle, their world is torn apart and they have no firm ground to stand on.  They have no adult that they can trust.  As bad as your ex-husband is, chances are good that he won't physically harm them.  It's the emotional damage that scars so deep.  In my case, my husband's hatred for me far outweighed his love for the children.  I did not know how to protect them and I did not know how to fight him.  I hired professionals to help me - both mental health professionals and legal professionals.  I put everything I owned on the line.  It did not make anything any better.  The legal system is a win-lose proposition - meaning someone has to win and someone has to lose.  There is no middle ground.  After four years of solid legal warfare, a complete drain of all my resources, I finally gave up.  I should tell you that at this time I had my two daughters back home after having lost custody.  I did not have my son back.  I told the judge and the lawyers that I would not fight any longer.  My ex-husband could see the children whenever he wanted.  If he wanted them in the middle of the night, during school, on my birthday, anytime he could have them.  I told them he did not have to pay child support.  I told them he did not have to contribute in any way to any thing that cost money for them.  I would take care of their college education.  I would take care of their insurance.  I would take care of everything.  He could just have fun.  And I meant every word of it.  I had no idea how I was going to do it, but I couldn't think of anything else that would stop the fighting.  What that did was it stopped the court case.  My son asked to come home.  My husband's attorney told him to accept my proposal and to offer to take some financial responsibility.  He took minimal responsibility.  At any rate the fighting stopped.  But you know, the healing takes a long time.  My ex-husband actually told the children that he lost the court case and he is still bitter about it.  So he remains unreasonable to this day.  However, I feel better about myself.  My girls have taken steps to heal.  My son is very very scarred.  Good luck to you, dear.  I hope you can find the key that will help the fighting stop for you.

 
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