Topic : Communication

Sounds like you're having a hard time trusting him because your gut instinct is telling you that he lied to you and you were never able to prove it.  And to make things even worse somebody is telling you that he is cheating which naturally you just can't sweep under the rug yet again. 

You've got a few choices, try to find out who is texting you and confront them for specific information, continue to watch him like a hawk and keep your eyes and ears open and most importantly trust your gut instinct.  If you think he is up to something then he probably is!  Just because you are married is certainly no guarantee that he won't cheat or leave you again.  Best prediction of future behavior is past behavior....

 

 

I'm going to give you advice that you won't want to hear but here it is anyway.  Slow down.  You are only 22 years old and almost done with college.  Marriage and children are huge responsibilities and you will succeed a whole lot better if you get your ducks in a row first.  First, get a career.  You've spent a whole lot of time getting an education so put it to use first.  Start putting money away when you get a job.  Make a little, save a little, spend a little. 

Anotherwords plan for your future wisely.  Most couples fight over lack of money, secure a good paying job before having children.    It just makes life so much easier.

 

I'm a little confused with your post.  You started dating him knowing he had a son and was previously engaged.  Why is this ruining everything?  Does he not want to get married one day and have children?  Are you upset because he already has a child?  Cause you knew that already....   One thing that I'd be real concerned about if you plan on marrying this guy is why doesn't he see his child? 

 

Just seems that you are jumping the gun and not thinking clearly.  You are so young and have so many years ahead of you to plan for a wedding and children.  What's the rush???

I've got a bit of a minor communication situation, and I guess I decided it needs some fixing tonight.

 

One of the reasons I love my boyfriend is because he has a sense of humor. He likes to joke a lot, and sometimes he says some really funny stuff.

 

However, he does have a bit of a habit of making sexual jokes about innapropriate things. Like I'll be telling him about a movie or book I loved when I was a child, and he'll make some dirty joke about it and I feel like he's not listening.

 

I usually just brushed it off, because after all, he was just joking, but tonight I started to tell him about some childhood memories of my best friend from kindergarten. She had come into the restaraunt that I work at, she and her family, and I mentioned that her little sister looked really grown up since the last time I saw her, which was several years ago when I was in only first grade. He made a sexual joke about them being sisters, and I brushed it off for the moment, but it really bothered me that he would make a seuxual joke about childhood friends of mine. It's one thing if he jokes about a book or movie, but it became totally another when it was about people I knew when I was young. I feel like he crossed the line, and it really offended me when he said that, and I'm sure my friend would be angry too.

 

I think he doesn't really  define the line between what's appropriate to joke about and what isn't. Or doesn't take that line seriously enough. I've tried to ask him not to do that so much before, but he hasn't really stopped. I just want some advice on what to do to preserve his sense of humor, but make him understand that it's not okay to make sex jokes about anything and everything.

Despite my fears of being hooked up on a blind date, in March, my friend hooked me up with her cousin who I grew to like a lot. He understands the role of a man and allows me to feel like a woman without fear. I usually come off as a nonchalant dater. I don't allow men to control my life or detour my goals. I usually don't have a problem with moving on and letting go. But for some reason just from having dinner and numerous conversations with this guy I'm just extremely drawn to him and I know he feels the same for me. The problem is that he's in a ugly custody battle with his ex. Which has also turned out to be extremely costly and has taken him out of his financial comfort that he's been accustomed to for years. I'm trying to be as supportive as I possibly can because this whole process has drained him emotionally. Instead of him allowing me to be there for him I feel as if he's pushing me away. He doesn't call as often, it seems like if I don't call we don't talk, and he's just working extremely hard and has no time to spare for anything else. I usually have a no tolerance rule and can just walk away from anything that has a ounce of chaos but he's such a great guy and I feel that he's someone to hold on to. But he won't let me be there because he's embrassed about his financial condition and it seems like he's hiding under a rock. He wants to be able to take me out and do things for me and he can't right now and that's why he he isn't calling as much anymore. When we talk he's always assuring me that I'm not doing anything wrong, he just has a lot on his plate and that he does really like me. Everything about this guy I adore: his ambition, values, his strength and weaknesses, his intelligence and drive to always want to learn more, and most of all his energy; his ability to make me feel comfortable with me and being to express how we feel for eachother both sexually and verbally. So from here should I just stick it out and hope when the case is over things will get better or should I just let him go and work out his issues? Or am I reading into things more than I should be, it has only been 5 months but that is the longest "friendship" for the both of us in a long time.

I think at this time, you should wait on a relationship and keep in touch as friends right now, because it seems like he doesn't want you to be dragged into the custody battle with his ex, because you had nothing to do with it. He probably feels that it would be unfair to you to start a relationship when there is still trouble going on with his previous one. Even though he may be over his ex, and just wants to have his child, I'd bet he would want to start a new relationship with a clean slate. Not having to worry about any court situations, any problems arising from his ex, etc. He wants to be able to focus on you and a new relationship with you.

 

Definately hold onto him, since you both really like eachother, but for now just wait until all the other problems and stresses involved with the case is over so you can safely begin something new.

I agree with ‘red feather’s’ response to your post- you can stay in his life as a friend, giving him a call once or twice a week to say “hi,” etc., but as for romance, put that on hold at this time. You said that if you don’t call, then you don’t talk to him. That is a sign that he is probably very busy; and as he has told you, he doesn’t want to drag you along with him in this custody issue.
My advice to you is to take a step back, and don’t pursue him hard because that might be a turn off. It would be reasonable to have a conversation with him letting him know all the qualities that you admire about him, and tell him that you want to be friends until this custody issue is settled. I wish you the best- I know that this is difficult for you, and that is why it is also important for you to be your own best friend at this time.

You said that you have talked to him about how this issue affects you, but that “he hasn't really stopped.” That is why it is so important that you address this issue each time it comes up; every single time that he goes over that line and he is inappropriate, you have to speak up. You can do this in a way that is not argumentative; after all, you do not want to fight, you are simply telling him how you feel and letting him know what he can do to improve the situation. A person who cares about you will make necessary changes to have a happy, healthy relationship with you. My advice for you is this: next time (and you know there will be a next time; probably soon!) this happens; say to him, “Hon, I love you very much. There are many qualities that you have that I admire, and one of them is your sense of humor. You can be so funny sometimes and I appreciate your sense of humor, but other times, the things that you say can be offensive and really bothers me/hurts my feelings. For example, “insert example here, and say briefly how it made you feel..” I want us to have a long, happy and healthy relationship, and if there is something about me that bothers you or hurts your feelings, I want you to let me know so that I can work on that. I don’t want to fight about this, I want to talk about it and come to a solution together..”
The above example is called “the validation method” of communicating. The validation method is pretty much when you say some kind things, then you say what the issue is, and then you say more kind things. Using the words, “I appreciate..” can be very helpful. Everyone wants to hear that they are appreciated! I learned this technique from a self help book that I read. I always used to have a difficult time speaking up for myself, because I never wanted to start an argument. So, I learned how to speak up without being confrontational- using the validation method- and it has worked well for me. Try this out in other areas of your life, too. I wish you the best!

Thanks! That sounds like a really good method for saying things without being confrontational, which isn't what I want to be.

 

We actually had a chat about it recently, in which I told him basically what I posted here, and he says he's going to be more careful with what he says about what now. If it comes up again at some time, I'll keep your validation method in mind. Thank you!

 

I'm with this guy that I've been with for three years. He's seven years younger then me and everytime his friends are around he treats me like dirt. If I call him when he's with them he yells at me and acts like I just rainned on his day, but when he comes home he doesn't understand why I'm mad!!! He tells me all the time his friends hate me, but I'm never around them and don't talk bad about them. It's so bad now that I'm not allowed to go anywhere with him, call him or even text him. If I go out with my friends he comes unglued at me and trys to ground me like a little kid. He acts like a jerk when his not home, but the minute he walks through the door he acts like I'm his world as long as I'm doing everything that he ask. I'm to the point I'm about to pack his things and just be done with it. I can't take this anymore.

 

 

Please tell me what ya'll think, am I just being stupid and selfish or should I call this off?

I don't think it would be stupid or selfish of you if you called it off. It sounds like there is a maturity gap between you two. Him being 7 years behind. I think that he has a bit of growing up to do when it comes to relationships. Granted, I don't know how old you two are, but from your description, I still think he would have some things to learn.

 

If he is telling the truth and his friends really hate you, I think it would only be because he's either told them garbage about you, or they are just the type that think you're trying to take him away from them. Either way, I don't think that's a very good thing. I think it's healthy to be friends with your significant other's friends, because then it's easier to go out and do things as a group, unfortunately, that's not your case. :(

 

If he tries to "ground" you, and prohibits you from going places with him, or calling or even texting, that looks like signs of control issues. Especially if he treats you like a princess only if you do what he wants. That can't be good. He wants you under his thumb. If he goes off on you when you try to go out with your friends, that could be a sign that he wants to keep you cooped up and bent to his will. That's never a good thing when a boyfriend tries to cut you off from contact with others.

 

Personally, I think you should pack his stuff. I think it would be better for both of you. You would be getting away from someone who could morph (even more) into a control-freak, and he could spend all the time he wants with his friends. You aren't being stupid or selfish. You are respecting yourself by not wanting to take that kind of crap.