Topic : 12/25 Divorcing the Family

I wish I could divorce my teen.  A brief history.  We are the proud parents of a spoiled, self centered egotictical, narcissistic teen.  His father and I suffered some problems when the child was little and he was sent to live with his great-grandmother for a short period of time until I was able to secure a stable and comfortable home for him and his sisters.  His grandmother since birth has spoiled the child beyond belief.  At one point the child ran out of gender specific toys and resorted to buying non traditional toys.  His grandmother has tought the child that love equates money and has proven her love and spend thousands of dollars doing this.  Nothing and I mean nothing that I nor his father buy him, give him is ever good enough for him.  We have spent countless hours, had many arguments, and fought beyond belief with this child when he does not get his own way.  The child has a lack of empathy for anybody but himself.  We thought this had to do with the fact that he his a 16 year old boy however new developments happened over the past few months.  The child last year started sitting for his cousins children.  Upon arival home after two months he was withdrawn argumentative and down right mean to everybody in the home.  The child boarders on being verbally and mentally abusive to everybody as the whole world revolves around him.  I later in that week found out that him and his older adult cousin had many conversations about how I was a controlling B**tch, I was demanding etc.  Unappropriate talk for an adult to have with a chlid about his mother.  I was very hurt and dissapointed that my son did not defend his mother but encouraged this talk.  His step-father and I forbid the child from ever spending any amount of time alone with his older adult cousin and forbid him from sitting for them again.  I did not at that time discuss this issue with the family member, my fault probably should have.  At xmas the same year my cousin requested the services of my child again and I discussed with her that I did not wish to have a repeat of the summer.  From both of them I was assured that there would be no problems when he returned home.  Well let me tell you it was world war three in my home for and right up to xmas eve.  The same conversations happened again and again my son did not defend but strongly encouraged the talks and the behaviours.  Now let me take you to this summer.  My family suffered some hard times and things happened.  We planned on moving and my son again assured me that he would love to sit for his older cousin again.  I allowed it against my gut feeling.  Should have listened to it.  An argument happened in the middle of this summer the child was caught drinking, doing drugs and being a general ass.  I had a mommy moment and told the child that he proved himself a lier, and irresponsible and was not getting his licence till he proved otherwise.  The next thing I knew I was being hauled into court for a change of custody.  How unusuall and ridiculous as the child is 16yrs old and can live anywhere he choses he does not need my permission.  My cousin prepared and filed the paperwork for court making laughable claims.  All lies and we are on the way to purgery claims.  She filed an affidavit based on third party information she was not privey to based on conversations and brainwashing of a pissed of 16yr old.  Since my child has been living with her he has started drinking heavily, doing drugs on a regular basis and is now sexually active when he was taught that sex is a special thing not to be given away like a newspaper.  This woman has caught her children watching her porn on tv, her sons have been caught handling her sex toys and her middle child is not allowed to play with anybody in the neighbourhood due to inappropriate sexual talk with the other children.  He is 10.  The sad thing is there is not a thing I can do about it.  I totally understand what these parents are going through and we only saw part of the story not what lead up to in in the years prior.  Do what you have to keep you sane

i understand 100% but no matter what you can never give up! don't get me wrong i am not much of a church person but i do believe that god does not give us more than he believes we can take. and you may be so frustraded and angry and just so hurt that you r losing your mind but you would be surprised how much a person can take when their r no other options. and  when things get really bad you hav 2 walk away, even if it is in your room or outside where ever and calm yourself with somedeep breathing [i know i hate when people tell me that too, but it does work]  and remind yourself this- o.k. god has handed me this and i trust that he would not give me more than i can handle, even if i don't think i can do this, i hav 2. remind youself that you decided 2 bring this child into the world they did not chose 2 b here and know that it is your responsibility to raise them . if they are angry disrespectfull get them help, hav them talk to someone they trust bcuz know this, kids don't behave like this 4 no reason and either somthing happened or they may hav a problem bcuz do you honestly think that they enjoy the fighting the argueing, or the stress? NO they don't. i know the feeling when all u want 2 do is run away, give up and say ok u win or give them 2 someone else or kick them out but you can't, if u walk away and don't help them they will not grow up into productive adults and u will b teaching them that when things get hard u run away or give up. u will also b teaching them how 2 handle problems when they have there own families. u need 2 teach and show them that no matter how bad things get  that u will always be there for them and no matter how much they fight you that you  will not b going anywhere bcuz that is what family does, they stand by oneanother through thick and thin. i know how hard and painfull it can b bcuz i am going through the same thing. i am so disrespected in my home too. my husbans works all the time bcuz if he didn't we would b homeless, so i do have 2 deal with just about it all. my daughter is 17 and very independant and has a mind all of her own and isn't affraid 2 say what ever is on her mind wether u like it or want 2 hear it. and that is my fault bcuz i hav always taught my children to b honest and say what and how they feel and if people can't handle it then that's there problem. my mistake was not telling them that there is a time and a place 4 everything. they just say what they want and when they want. i also hav a 16 yr. old son that is adhd and bi-polar and now they' r finding out my son is also odd-cd [i believe cd is just a more severe part of odd].anyways i have been going through hell 4 about 6 yrs. but i refuse 2 give up. trust me when i say i want 2 run away but i know i can't. last year he was probably suspended over 50 times easily bcuz the school didn't want 2 deal with him either. he screams at throws fits and even tries getting in my face. just think i am only about 5 ft 1 in. and he stands5ft 10in. i just let him know that he can say what he wants if it makes him feel better but that i refuse 2 feed into it as much as i want 2 and that when he is done screaming i'm here 2 talk and that no matter how much he wants 2 say hurtfull and hatefull things that i love him and i am always going 2 b here and i will fight him 2 my death bcuz i am mom and god gave him 2 me for a reason and i AM going 2 make sure he grows up 2 b the best he can b. once he realizes i won;t fight or argue he shuts up and goes 2 his room pissed off and blares his radio. once he cools off i then ask him if he wants 2 talk ,sometimes it's ok or times it's no, but no matter what  i'm here when he's ready but that under no circumstances will he raise his voice 2 me if he wants me to listen 2 him. even if you know what he is going to say ,let him speak and say what he needs 2. then it's your turn and be very specific and clear about what your point is but no matter what tell him not to interupt, you heard him out now it's your turn. try to comprimise only if it is about something that won't hurt himself or anyone else. pick and choose your fights but  ALWAYS demand respect and know when to walk away from an arguement. let him know things will work out alot better if you talk calmly. we as parents can only do the best we can with what god gave us but when they turn 18 they have 2 live and learn, doesn't mean we are no longer ther for them it just means they have 2 pay the consequence all we can do is love them and alwaysbe there to listen and hear them out even if we don't like what we hear. we are mothers, mothers can NEVER give up. i hope no one takes affence that is just my oppinion from my own experience.BYE NOW

i am sorry but there is alot you can do! turn her in social service everytime you witness something because obvously they r not responsible and you have to protect the children because if u don't who will? i have seen so many of my daughter friends parents take the easy road and basically let their kids do what they want to avoid being a parent. your main concern has to b your child and no matter how spoiled they r u have 2 breeak them of it and tell there grandma she has 2 stop spoiling them bcuz it is only hurting them and if she can't stop then she can no longer see them until she does. teach them the value of a dolar. i know u probably think i am full of it but trust me i do know a little, u would be surprised about what i have seen and been through. i used to spoil the hell out of my daughter bcuz she was sooooo good and we were like best friends. igave her whatever she asked for even if i couldn't afford it i would find a way or put us in debt. for her 16th birthday i threw a huge sweet16 party i spent well over $1000.00 and i didn't even have a job, it was our tax money and bill money. then one day i woke up bcuz she got out of hand [my fault] she started doing things and hiding things while still trying to act like ms. innocent. i realized it was more important to a parent rather than friend. it broke my heart that we weren't close and that she was taking advantage of me [again, my fault] but i decided to become the most nosiest mom around. i envaded her privacey to find things out and she became very angry and distant but i told her that trust had to be earned and making her own decisions was a priveledge and she also had to earn that. i told her if she was so grown up and wanted to do what she wanted then she had to prove she could make responsible choices. i took her to see people who were alot less fortuneate than us. it wasn't easy and it took a long time but i had to learn to be consistant and strong. i wasn't going to lose my daughter to drugs and alcohol or to someone who would give her false love. she hated me and faught with me and disrespected me and she would make me cry all the time.she knew how much i loved her so she used that. but i had enough to deal with bcuz i also have a16 yr. old son who is adhd and bi-polar and gets suspended just about once a week. my hands were full and i realized if i take some kind of control i would lose both my kids. be strong, consistant, and don't give up. don't allow anyone to undermind what you r trying 2 do. and cut the relatives out of yor life that r hurting your family bcuz only you can save your kids. you don' give up and walk away bcuz you brought them into this world they didn't chooses to be born. sorry if i hurt you or upset you but as a mother i realized we have fight for kids and love them to no end reguardless how much they fight us or say they hate us. always remember that there is alwys someon out their who will take over and lead your child in the wrong direction. and trust me if you call s.s enough they will get sick of you and eventually look into it and if your right about there bad parenting they will step in, but don't let your child be a victom. it won't be easy but you will survive and your child will appreciate it when they grow up. my daughter graduates this year and starts college at the end of june. she once thanked me for being strong enough to fight her because now she has the chance to be the best she can be.

i agree that a parent should never give up, and i am speaking from expearience. I am a wife and mother of two. My daughter is 17 and my son is 16. we as a family have gone through so much and are still going through alot. One thing i want to say is that after reading all of these stories it makes me want to fight harder for my families peace of mind. Too many parents do give up and they shouldn't. I too have wanted to run away so many times because i felt like if i didn't iwould lose my own mind, but i didn't. I had my kids for a reason and they didn't ask to be born so it is my responsibility to never give up on them! Here is a LITTLE of what i have been through. My daughter like i said is 17 and growing up she was so loving and caring and always went to school even though she struggled with it. We were so close and bcuz she was so good and tried so hard i gave her what ever i could and we spent alot of time together and with her friends because i wanted to know who she hung out with. They all called me mom and thought i was cool even though my daughter didn't. I made it a point to let them know i would do what i could for any of them as long as they were honest with me and not let me catch them lieing to me. And i let them know that if they hurt my kids in any way shape or form i was done with them bcuz i needed 2 protect my flesh and blood first. MY daughter grew up very spoiled [my fault, i know] and at the time i think i was more worried about being her friend than her mother so i had 2 learn the hard way, i needed to be her mother first then her friend. She started becoming mouthy and disrespectful and thought the world revolved around her but why not, bcuz until now it did. As she grew up she wanted to do what she wanted or what her friends were doing. I was not going to have that and i made it a point of letting her know that. We went through all kinds of different phases, the drugs the drinking and boys and bad friend choices but ithink bcuz when she was growing up we talked alot about everything,life sex everything in general. when she was at an approriate age in my opinion i told her why i made the choices i did because of everything i had gone through and the choices i made. because we were so honest with one another as she grew up she never quite learned how to lie very well, thank god. When she tried she usually busted herself out then got mad becuz of it. I was very strict and i say i became the nosiest mother around and i told her and her friends i was bcuz i wasn't going to lose her to any bs and i would fight her to my death to keep her healthy and safe. don't get me wrong it was not easy and i didn't disclose all the bad things she tried let's just say she rebelled hard but it was my responsibility as her mom and bcuz i chose to bring her into the world it is my responsibility to stand and fight for her life.i told her she could hate me all she wanted but that she would never win this fight bcuz her life is to precious to me to not win. she now is going to graduate high school this year [school is still hard for her] and she will be going to college at the end of june, but she realized no matter how bad or hard things get she needs her education if she wants more or better than what we could give her. She is still learning lifes lessons but she knows it's all a part of growing up and living and learning. She told me she would have never survived if i hadn't stuck by her and if i wouldn't of been such a bi***. i laughed and said but iam so good at it.HaHa! seriously, life is too short and children r our gifts from god, so be thankfull and strong and NEVER give up or turn your back and walk away. she might not seem as bad as what some parents have gone through but that was just the begining remember i have a 16 yr. old son that is adhd, bi-polar, and now they are saying he is ODD. so i will be back i have 2 go 4 now and i can tell u about my son. bye 4 now.

you said it right there, and your right you can't ever stop trying. I have 2 kids and things r hard more with my son who is 16 and has alot of problems. here is my advice and u don't have to take it or u can. STOP moving! No matter what if your husband feels u have 2  move, let himbcuz from the sounds of it he is never home anyways and who is he 2 judge u if he isn't there 2 help or support your efforts. I too am married but the only difference is he is home but he chooses to shut himself out. he says our kids r assholes and don't appreciate anything and they don't learn so why bother. Why bother? Because they r our kids and our responsibility, so many parents 4get that they didn't ask 2 b born, we brought them into this world and with that reason alone we need 2 stand by them regaurdless how much they fight us. Alot of your shaking probably is stress but it kind of sounds like the start of anxiety attacks and i believe that is caused do 2 stress too. i go through that 2. my kids fight most of the time and my daughter always says she hates her brother and can't wait to move, but i would hate for her 2 go on 2 college feelling that way about him but i understand she is frustrated. He is 16 and adhd,bi-polar and now they say he is odd. we never know what kind of a mood he will b in so it's like walking on eggshells. i am the only one who deals with the doctors, school, home and everything else. i have days when it all bcomes too much but i also know i can't ever give up. reading all these stories i read though help bcuz i know i am not alone and their r so many families worse off and have survived so i tell myself 2 quit whining, be stong and keep fighting bcuz what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. that is not a cliche[however u spell it] because were still here and we r still fighting. u understand with or without your husbands help you need 2 b their for your kids. tell your husband untill he is willing to b an active consistant parent not 2 critisize what u r doing. either get involved or shut up. i told my husband a long time ago that my son has no respect for me bcuz he only treated me the way he saw his father treat mr. over and over i would point out certaun things he said or did untilhe finally saw it and little by little he stopped and explained 2 my son that it was wrong and that didn't give himthe right 2 do the same. life is not easy and either is being a parent but as long as we talk about how we feel and never give up on eachother then we have a chance and we will survive and so will our families. hope i helped i wii always b here 2 listen if needed. take care and remember you R not alone no matter where u live!

I wish all the best for you and your family. I am a 33 y/o adult with ADHD and was diagnosed with it when it was called 'HYPERACTIVITY" during my fourth grade school year. I still struggle to function efficently with in society because i was not taught how. I am trying to teach myself but it is the blind driving the blind. There are many thoughts I had a a child that explain the impulsive behavior I remeber having. Alot of it was frustration and anger so I learned the wrong way that anger keep people away which made it easier forme to hide my faults. If You would like to swap brain thoughts on this matter I can give you a little insight of an adult explaination of childhood behavior I experienced> I have no professional advice just thoughts:) Shannon

I have a 26 year old daughter.  Her biological father died when she was a baby.  My husband adopted her when she was five years old.  My husband and I have another daughter that is 22 years old.  Ever since our oldest daughter was able to walk she was rebellious.  However, the problems really started when she was 11 years old.  She trashed the room of a daughter of a friend of ours and stole items from it.  We went to therapy and it did not help.  She was out of control.  She had problems in school, getting suspended more than once and one time threw a chair at a teacher.  On the advice of the school we filed a CHINS petition with the local courts on her when she was 13 years old.  She was in five different group homes in four years and many different therapists.  Nothing helped.  She was diagnosed with ADD and ODB when she was 14 years old.  However, I never gave up on her.  Two years ago she started to turn her life around, going to beauty school and was doing well.  However, she started to go downhill again and got addicted to oxycondin.  A year ago she came to me for help and told me she was a drug addict, addicted to heroin.  I was beside myself.  She had no insurance and no money so I found a local doctor that took her on an outpatient basis and was really helping her beat her addiction.  I depleted all my savings to help her.  She stopped going to the doctor a few months ago and is now a full fledged drug addict addicted not only to heroin but other drugs as well (whatever she can find to buy).  She has been in detox four times in the past few months.  She was living at home during all this time until we discovered she stole jewelry from my elderly mother (who lives with my husband and I) along with money, tools, and whatever else she could find to pawn and get money for.  Some of the jewelry we have gotten back after confronting her about it.  However, some of it is gone and we will never recover it.  One of the pieces is a beautiful ruby ring that my grandfather gave to my grandmother when they got married in 1920.  The ring is a family heirloom and over 80 years old.  I cannot have her live in my home any longer.  She has taken so much from all of us.  Having said all that, I will never give up on her no matter what.  I still talk to her on a regular basis and I pray that someday she will get help and get clean before it is too late.  Her sister, on the other hand, is a Senior in college and will graduate in the spring and is extremely well adjusted.  She said she has learned from the choices her sister has made and has chosen to go a different route in her own life.  There was a time when the two sisters had no relationship.  NOw they are very close and my younger daughter worries about her sister alot and calls almost every day from college (she is five hours away) and she is doing her Senior thesis on her sister and the life she has chosen to lead.  I know that my husband and I did everything we could to help our daughter.  Did we do everything right?  No Way!!  We made a lot of mistakes along the way but I know we did everything we could to help her and we have no regrets and no guilt.  Unless you have walked a mile in someone else's shoes people don't understand what others have gone through and they should not judge those people.  I would appreciate some prayers for my daughter.  Thanks for listening

 

     I have 2 sons myself, 19 & 27, and while I think all parents have that feeling of "divorcing" them (teens).... maybe for the day...... what parent in their right mind would actually try to do that?! It's beyond cruel. What is especially cruel to Michael is that HE was the chosen one, when the parents said that both of the boys have behavioral problems. I'm a twin myself. I know how much twins are compared. Even when you're fraternal. Seems to me that these parents are making that extreme comparison. "Gee.... let's see...... you're better (or worse) than him so we'll keep (or get rid of) you." This is their CHILD (or children) that we're talking about!!! Not the "bad dog" who they couldn't housebreak! Personally, I didn't see that either of the boys seemed to have that extreme of behavior problems. Seems to me that they keyed more off of their father's behavior...... his language and his temper. Michael is about a mirror image of my 19-yr old so that may be why this story is a little more personal to me. I hope for him that his home life has improved and that all of them find help. If he was such a "bad" kid, he wouldn't have willingly come to the Dr. Phil Show to begin with. I wish I could help. My thoughts and prayers are with you, Michael.

Hi this is jojobeaner and I wanted to know how your family is doing, have there been any changes with any thing? 

I am the mother of a 16yr old runaway teen. In short he went away in the begining of the summer to babysit for his cousin and never returned. The events that have occured have been relentless. She has manipulated and branwashed the child to the point that we are no longer on speaking terms. She has stolen corospondence from my grandmother regarding his biological father. To this point he only knew one man to be his dad. I'd hate myself too if I found out this way. She has taken me to court for custody ( a money grab ) The pair of them have accused me of being a drug addict, on the border line of being bankrupt, neglectful, abusive and the list goes on. They aren't discriminating on who they tell this false information to. The child has called me filthy names that I wouldn't even call my worst enemy. This woman he choses to live with resides in a three bedroom trailor with six other people including my son. She does not do housework and her home should litterally be condemned. There is animal feces on the floor, dirty mouldy dishes scattered around the home. Her eldest son is currently taking mood altering drugs to treat adhd however we have never seen the symptoms in him. He acts like a normal 12yr old boy when he is off his meds. Her middle child is absolutely not allowed to play with the girls in the neighbourhood as he makes lude sexual references to them. Her four year old daughter started wetting her pants a year ago after this woman refused visitation to the biological father. This woman has alienated all of her children from their fathers with the same rediculous claims she made against myself. At one point one of the children's fathers gave up parental rights due to the fact that her claims were getting out of control. This woman and now father #4 of her new baby often talk about their sexual exploits in front of their children. This woman laughed when her then three year old turned on the tv to watch a movie and instead was watchingher mother's pornographic video's. The older children have been caught several times playing with their mothers sex toys. I would love to report this woman to the CAS however I do not ever wish for my name to be used. And Im not too sure if informant information is ever used. The latest ploy, she coached my 16yr old son to telephone the police and tell them that I was in posession of stolen property. Thank god the police proved them both wrong. Id like to know what rights I have and what I can do. So far there is no help available in this situation. I strongly believe she is neglectful, and fails to provide a nuturing loving home to her children. This woman has a history of alienating children from their parents and as a matter of fact she provided the paperwork to have her sisters children removed from the home. She often as a legal secratary fills out the necessary paper work in child custody cases. And I have been told by several people that she demanded they lie in their affidavits to sway the court system. Its hard to fight this woman legally as she knows family law.