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Topic : 12/25 Divorcing the Family

Number of Replies: 182
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Created on : Thursday, October 05, 2006, 04:44:59 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 10/12/06) When you lose control of your kids and household, is it ever possible to get it back? Peggy was so fed up with her 17-year-old twin boys' behavior –- their yelling, tantrums, cursing, disrespect, fighting -- and the resulting strain on her marriage that she arrived at a radical solution: Divorce one of her sons from the family. However, when Peggy filed the paperwork to emancipate her son, the courts turned her down, leaving him in her care until age 18. Can Dr. Phil convince Peggy and her husband to accept responsibility for their deteriorating home situation? Can he inspire the teens to help calm the chaos? Or, is divorcing a family member a viable last-ditch option? Tell us what you think!

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October 12, 2006, 2:17 pm CDT

Who's to blame

Quote From: nasale

 THe Dad on today's show sounds just like my ex! Always threatening and yelling and bullying.My father was like that except he didn't like to yell in case someone overheard him and caught on to what he was really like. It's added to the end result which is I'm a very angry person.I try NOT to be but it's always just below the surface.I found myself getting very upset just watching that Dad. I hope he takes heed and changes his ways because  he will have to deal with the results after his kids grow up.

Wow, we sure sound like a society that needs to have a quick solution (with proper people to blame) and resolution to every problem.  The mother likes one twin over the other; she's to blame.  The father is a bully; it must be him. 

I don't think either is entirely at fault, although the father's need to insist that his wife solve the problem alone, makes him the first to drop out. I can't imagine what frustration would cause a man to react in this way, but I can feel how overwhelmed she was with everything on her shoulders.  Hormones, Dr. Phil? Now the old boy has another reason to believe that he is  blameless and she has to solve the problem alone.  I hope she is able to thank everyone from the prone position she's assumed.

 

 
October 12, 2006, 2:33 pm CDT

when will parents learn

when will parents learn that kids copy everything the see and hear.  My daughter is only 2 and she idolizes her father to the point that she copies everything he does and says. It's no different when your dealing with teenagers. If they are being yelled at they will yell. If they see parents being physical they will be physical.  You need to treat your kids the way you want them to treat you with respect and dignity.
 
October 12, 2006, 2:39 pm CDT

from the other side

 

it may seem crazy to everyone but i agree that devorcing the family is not a bad idea. i am not a parent but on the other fence. i am the child, eventhough i am 19 i can't leave this family. I want a devorce, sometimes its the best things. people need to be willing to change and you cannot make that happen. a devorce sometimes is your only option, one i wish i had. i am going to college to be in education. throughout my life i have never felt loved like my sibling was and i feel the day will never come. my mother watches this show religously. she now beleives i am spoiled because i sleep in, but it is to keep the pain out. i am a "black sheep" and i need an excape. i don't have the privilage to have that excape and continue to my goal in education. i have issues i will agree, i can't spell, i can't be a strait a student eventhough i may try, i can't live up to my brother. i know that, but what makes me so bad? sometimes finding an escape from an unloved family is what you need to find you can be loved by someone else make your path, to find peace.

 
October 12, 2006, 2:47 pm CDT

10/12/06

I was so surprised to see other parents going through something very very simular to mine.  The difference is the father is a step-father and as of 2 yrs ago had a brain injury, which if anyone of you out there know what it's like to live with a TBI - Tramatic Brain Injury person, you know your world will never be the same as before and/or is worsened.

 

I  do have twins with simular behaviors but they are 14.  I will definately be getting the transcripts to this show.  If there's anyone out there that lives near Lubbock Texas, please tell me who can help me help my family.

 
October 12, 2006, 2:48 pm CDT

i completley agree

Quote From: wildchild

Give me a break!!!  Since when is it okay to divorce the children in your family?  It's NOT the kids fault mom and dad didn't parent. We have tried so hard to be our kids friends, that many forgot how to parent. Get real!!!!! Parents need to PARENT KIDS. You are the BOSS in the family, not the kids. They need to be able to  know that the world doesn't revolve around them. They are going to have to learn one day that they will have to work in the real world. They will not always get along with the people they work with. What is going to be solved by divorcing one of the twins? Will it show the other they are not as important and loved? I would think so.

PARENTS................BE PARENTS.

my 15 year old daughter learned the hard way that i am her parent before i am her friend. i recently found out that she was cutting one of her classe so she could eat lunch with her friends. Neither the school nor the teacher whos class she was cutting contacted me to let me know what was going on i found out by sheer luck.  When i found out i called the schools attendance secretary informed her of the absences and requested that my daughter be punished.  As a result my daughter recieved a referal a 1 day in school suspension and due to the # of absences in the one class she was placed on the schools excesive absence lise which prevents her from participating in any school activity including trying out for soccer and the upcoming homecoming dance. She was extremley mad at me but she has gotten over it after i explained to her that her cutting class was her choice and the punishment is her doing not mine. that anything she does in high school good or bad is only going to affect her future not mine
 
October 12, 2006, 3:02 pm CDT

Emancipation

I was at one time an emancipated teenager.  I was thrown into the foster care system at the age of 15.  It was not due to either of my parents being alcoholics or drug addicts.  I was raised in a home where I was taught respect and that my parents were the authority and I was to follow that or that would be consequences to be had.  When I turned 13 my parents divorced.  It was an amicable divorce and I lived with my dad as my mother had started to become physically and emotionally abusive towards me.  My mother went her way and I did not see much of her.  My father met a woman that eventually became my step mother.  She was extremely abusive to me and I took the lesser of two evils and decided to live with my mother.  My mother and my father decided that living their own lives was much more important than me and I was left by the wayside.  I did not do drugs or drink.  I did rebel and in searching for the love I so desperately needed I ended up pregnant by someone older than me.  Go figure.  I was sent away to have the baby and adopted her out.  While I was living away in a maternity home, my parents decided that I was no longer worth their effort and they signed away their parental rights and I went into foster care.  I was one of the lucky ones that ended up in a good home.  I met my first husband and once again history repeated itself and I ended up pregnant again.  We divorced and I met my 2nd husband who is a wonderful man.  If it wasn't for him I would probably be very screwed up in the head still.  I felt unloved, unworthy of love, and just plain out an unworthy of life person.  With his help, he helped me to realize what my parents did was not my fault and I was a worthy person.  My father reached out to me when our first daughter was born.  We made amends and continued to have a good relationship til he passed away.  I continue to not have a relationship with my mother as she is just as destructive to me now as she was when I was a teenager.  I am now almost 40 with a good marriage, wonderful children, and a beautiful grandchild.  I have taken the time to stop the cycle of destructiveness that was in my family.  I am a damn good mother that has taken the time to parent correctly and to be there for my kids.  I have made mistakes along the way but have learned from them and moved on.  My family is not perfect.  My oldest daughter (who lives on her own) is struggling with addiction.  I am there for her when she is ready to face her pain and dump the drugs.  I live with teenagers.  They do not come with owners manuals.  My husband and I have raised them as us as their authority with consequences for their actions.  We don't scream and yell and call names.  We listen and respect what they have to say and they have grown to listen and respect what we have to say.  I saw a lot of respect missing from this family today.  Starting with the husband to the wife.  If they give up on their kids they have given up on themselves.  If they give up on these kids, these kids will turn out 100x worse than they are now.  Never being able to have a good relationship with themselves or anyone else.  I WAS LUCKY!!!  It doesn't always turn out like my situation did.  I'm sorry but anyone who gives up on their kids is going to make their children feel unloved, unworthy, unworthy of love, they won't be able to give or show love, and they will just be messed up for the rest of their lives.  If you want respect, give respect.  Teach kids how to PROPERLY say how they feel and what their opinions are.  Listen to what your kids have to say.  Make them feel what they have to say is important.  I am very close to my teenage daughter and her friends.  Their biggest beef with adults and parents is that we do not listen to them and then they feel unworthy and go rebel.  I saw on the show those boys faces when Dr. Phil sat down and talked with them that they were amazed they were being listened to and respected.  I feel all it takes is to take the time out of our busy lives to sit and listen.  There is nothing else as important as our children.  They are our future. 

 
October 12, 2006, 3:23 pm CDT

dont give advise until you've been there

Quote From: c4shark

when will parents learn that kids copy everything the see and hear.  My daughter is only 2 and she idolizes her father to the point that she copies everything he does and says. It's no different when your dealing with teenagers. If they are being yelled at they will yell. If they see parents being physical they will be physical.  You need to treat your kids the way you want them to treat you with respect and dignity.
I have always believed the way you do. All children need is love to achieve their goals. That is, until my oldest son turned 12. He started rebelling and pushing the limits. It wasn't anything REALLY bad until he turned 14. He started stealing from Wal-Mart (which we found out about and made him bring the stuff back to the store), smoking weed (we grounded him, took everything out of his room and finally MOVED) and skipping school.  He wound up in an alternative school, in jail, in rahab and all before he turned 16.  Now, we did all the things you hear will stop this. We have family dinners, say grace, ask all the right questions and this still happened to us. Now, I would never give up on my son. But I can't say there haven't been times when I wished I could. He even stole my car and blew it up. Thank God he wasn't hurt but that is probably because he was so high his body flowed with the movements of the vehicle. I still pray every night and there is alot of yelling and fighting. We try to avoid it, but you get so mad that it sucks you in. My favorite saying is that God gives you babies and makes you fall in love with them so that you don't kill them when they get to be teenagers.  We are still going through it day by day and hopefully we will make it to his eighteenth birthday and he will choose to move out so we can enjoy his company when he visits.
 
October 12, 2006, 3:30 pm CDT

I understand completely

In the first five minutes of the program I thought to myself, oh my gosh, that's my family in about five years.  I have a son who will be 12 in just a couple of days and is headed in the same direction as Jason and Michael.  My son was diagnosed with ADHD before he entered kindergarten.  His behavior has gotten worse over the years and I'm afraid we'll end up just like the family on today's program.  I feel that Dr. Phil portrayed the parents in a negative way and I can completely relate to their frustrations.  I have been living with this out of control behavior for almost 9 years now.  What people have to understand is, a human being can only take so much.  I have been treated for depression, and I currently suffer from Fibro Myalgia.  All related to my home enviroment and the stress that I am under on a daily basis.   Believe me, I don't want to give up on my child, but how much am I supposed to take?  I want you to know that I also have another child, a 17 year old boy.  The two of them are like night and day.  The oldest is mild mannered, respectful of his parents and others and does extremely well in school.  How can one child be so great and the other turn out so wrong.  Both boys were raised with the same rules, parents, morals, etc.

I will continue to do my best and pray for strength and hope for the best.  Thanks for listening.

 
October 12, 2006, 3:36 pm CDT

Interesting story

Quote From: grammaskittles

I was at one time an emancipated teenager.  I was thrown into the foster care system at the age of 15.  It was not due to either of my parents being alcoholics or drug addicts.  I was raised in a home where I was taught respect and that my parents were the authority and I was to follow that or that would be consequences to be had.  When I turned 13 my parents divorced.  It was an amicable divorce and I lived with my dad as my mother had started to become physically and emotionally abusive towards me.  My mother went her way and I did not see much of her.  My father met a woman that eventually became my step mother.  She was extremely abusive to me and I took the lesser of two evils and decided to live with my mother.  My mother and my father decided that living their own lives was much more important than me and I was left by the wayside.  I did not do drugs or drink.  I did rebel and in searching for the love I so desperately needed I ended up pregnant by someone older than me.  Go figure.  I was sent away to have the baby and adopted her out.  While I was living away in a maternity home, my parents decided that I was no longer worth their effort and they signed away their parental rights and I went into foster care.  I was one of the lucky ones that ended up in a good home.  I met my first husband and once again history repeated itself and I ended up pregnant again.  We divorced and I met my 2nd husband who is a wonderful man.  If it wasn't for him I would probably be very screwed up in the head still.  I felt unloved, unworthy of love, and just plain out an unworthy of life person.  With his help, he helped me to realize what my parents did was not my fault and I was a worthy person.  My father reached out to me when our first daughter was born.  We made amends and continued to have a good relationship til he passed away.  I continue to not have a relationship with my mother as she is just as destructive to me now as she was when I was a teenager.  I am now almost 40 with a good marriage, wonderful children, and a beautiful grandchild.  I have taken the time to stop the cycle of destructiveness that was in my family.  I am a damn good mother that has taken the time to parent correctly and to be there for my kids.  I have made mistakes along the way but have learned from them and moved on.  My family is not perfect.  My oldest daughter (who lives on her own) is struggling with addiction.  I am there for her when she is ready to face her pain and dump the drugs.  I live with teenagers.  They do not come with owners manuals.  My husband and I have raised them as us as their authority with consequences for their actions.  We don't scream and yell and call names.  We listen and respect what they have to say and they have grown to listen and respect what we have to say.  I saw a lot of respect missing from this family today.  Starting with the husband to the wife.  If they give up on their kids they have given up on themselves.  If they give up on these kids, these kids will turn out 100x worse than they are now.  Never being able to have a good relationship with themselves or anyone else.  I WAS LUCKY!!!  It doesn't always turn out like my situation did.  I'm sorry but anyone who gives up on their kids is going to make their children feel unloved, unworthy, unworthy of love, they won't be able to give or show love, and they will just be messed up for the rest of their lives.  If you want respect, give respect.  Teach kids how to PROPERLY say how they feel and what their opinions are.  Listen to what your kids have to say.  Make them feel what they have to say is important.  I am very close to my teenage daughter and her friends.  Their biggest beef with adults and parents is that we do not listen to them and then they feel unworthy and go rebel.  I saw on the show those boys faces when Dr. Phil sat down and talked with them that they were amazed they were being listened to and respected.  I feel all it takes is to take the time out of our busy lives to sit and listen.  There is nothing else as important as our children.  They are our future. 

It's so wonderful how you can take the awful things that happened to you in your life and use them to make a better life for your children. It's all about priorities and most people never learn what their priorities should be until it's too late, if ever.
 
October 12, 2006, 3:40 pm CDT

ADD cannot be controlled without meds! No tools or professionals can help!

I have been married for 24 years and have known my husband since 9th grade.  We work together every day in our business and have two children...a daughter 19 and a son 16.  The father on the show today 10-12-06 showed many, many similar traits to my husband about 7 years ago before meds for his ADD.  My son was always in trouble at school for his outbursts and biting and kicking and disruptive behavior.  His teacher, in 5th grade, was actually afraid of him at one point during the school year.  My daughter, 12 and in Jr. High when my son was diagnosed with ADD, was showing as being very depressed and not her normal joyful self.  My husband, like the man on the show today was yelling and frustrated and putting holes in walls all over our house.  I was not doing anything to bring on this rage but it was somewhat scary at times.  It was like he was overwhelmed for no reason that we could understand.

 

When my son was diagnosed with ADD we were also told that ADD is a hereditary state of a lack of a chemical in the brain that makes the person with ADD not able to focus and filter out what is in the world and so they become very frustrated and overwhelmed with every situation that they are involved in every minute of the day.  We realized that my husband was also ADD and our daughter, as often occurs in girls, her depression was due to ADD as well.

 

My husband and my son and daughter have been on medication for ADD for the past 7 years and our lives have made a complete turn from our rage and not being in control of our actions and depression.  I was so sad today with Dr. Phil did not tell this family that the ADD is a chemical imbalance and that the father shows classic signs of ADD and his sons are also ADD and they must be on medication for this to get better.  No amount of family meetings, we tried those for years, and no amount of tools, I read and know every possible tool to try to use with ADD people, will help.  Why can we not be honest and diagnose ADD by giving the medication and watching for the reaction.  My husband was told that he would, after taking his first Ritalin, either clean the garage and the car and mow the lawn which would mean that he was not ADD, or, he would feel better than he has ever felt in his life.  You know that answer was that he was a new man and wanted to read everything he had missed over the first 37 years of his life and wanted to go back to school etc.  My reward was that I got to be the wife and not the Mom and Wife and Warden to my husband.  He now takes responsibility for his actions, he is able to accomplish whole tasks each day, and his relationships with our children are wonderful and loving and caring. 

 

In my opinion, it is self abuse and child abuse to allow this father to continue in this family without medication.  ADD is a lack of a chemical in the brain and it is not possible for the person with ADD to control their actions and the medication is the only avenue that works and to not inform people properly concerning these facts about  ADD is unconscionable to me...why is it so bad to need a medication to be the best you can be and to keep from being stressed and to keep from hurting, physically and mentally, the people you love and to ease the frustration and anger that comes with ADD????

 

Having ADD is like trying to listen to a radio station all day long that is not completely tuned in and that has a lot of static.  There is no way to tune into the station and it is totally frustrating every day and all day long for those with ADD.  Why would we not want to help and make it better for the person and his friends and family?????  ADD is like driving in the rain and your windshield wipers do not work except for every 2-3 minutes...ADD people have no control over when the windshield works but they do get relief when it does work as the window clears but then the rain quickly comes back again....I am so thankful that my family does not have to live with this frustration any more and I am so sad that today Dr. Phil denied this family the answers that they needed to hear.  The professional who wrote the book, "The ADD Answer" is not an expert and I could tell that he does not even begin to understand what ADD is like and how it affects people who have ADD or he would not have made his inaccurate comments showing his lack of knowledge about ADD to this family today.  How sad for the family that really needed answers to their situation.

 

Put the family on Ritalin for 24 hours and you will see how wonderful and peaceful and loving and understanding this family can be when the ADD is not a factor.  I hope the family is sent these e-mails and I would love to have them contact me concerning their ADD because as long as it is ignored it will remain a problem and will end up divorcing this family from each other in terrible ways just because they will not take a pill.  I take a pill for my thyroid every single day of my life because I would die without it and I consider people who have ADD are killing themselves and their families without their medication daily as well.

 

I feel better now and wish the family on today's show the best with their tools and family meetings but I am sad because I know that what they want to achieve will not happen without medication.  I will be praying for this family that they will get some accurate, professional help with their ADD.  Why is ADD so taboo?  It is a fact of life for many people and it is not something to be denied to those that need to acknowledge their ADD so they can get meds.

 

Hoping you can experience, as our family has, the joy and peace of a loving ADD family!

 

Enjoying life again with our meds for ADD and praying that this family will too!

 
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