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Topic : 12/25 Divorcing the Family

Number of Replies: 182
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Created on : Thursday, October 05, 2006, 04:44:59 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 10/12/06) When you lose control of your kids and household, is it ever possible to get it back? Peggy was so fed up with her 17-year-old twin boys' behavior –- their yelling, tantrums, cursing, disrespect, fighting -- and the resulting strain on her marriage that she arrived at a radical solution: Divorce one of her sons from the family. However, when Peggy filed the paperwork to emancipate her son, the courts turned her down, leaving him in her care until age 18. Can Dr. Phil convince Peggy and her husband to accept responsibility for their deteriorating home situation? Can he inspire the teens to help calm the chaos? Or, is divorcing a family member a viable last-ditch option? Tell us what you think!

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October 12, 2006, 3:42 pm CDT

Agree 110%

Quote From: c4shark

when will parents learn that kids copy everything the see and hear.  My daughter is only 2 and she idolizes her father to the point that she copies everything he does and says. It's no different when your dealing with teenagers. If they are being yelled at they will yell. If they see parents being physical they will be physical.  You need to treat your kids the way you want them to treat you with respect and dignity.
I have an 18 year old son who I still like -- I like you started from the very beginning treating my son with respect and dignity. That doesn't mean you don't offer discipline, it doesn't mean you don't parent your child. He knows I'm his mother, not his friend, but we respect each other and I treat him with kindness. Isn't it amazing that some people treat people they don't even know with more kindness than they do their own family! I remember my son's friend who was out of control -- the boy was constantly in trouble, yelling, and in constant chaos. But it wasn't surprising, all you had to do was look at his mother, his mother yelled, hit, and was remarried so they introduced another layer of complexity.

I chose to stay a single parent while my son was growing up because I didn't want to add this additional stress in our lives.
 
October 12, 2006, 3:44 pm CDT

10/12 Divorcing the Family

Anyone who does understand how a mother would want a child out of her home should have to live the life of that troubled family. I have been there and my 13 year old is temp. out of the home(coming home in two weeks). Due to being a threat to others, damaging the walls, cant keep him in school, extremely angry, nobody is ever right, he is always blaming someone else. When you have tried intensive in home therapy for a year or better, and been to counsling, been to neurologist, doctors, have diagnosis from ADHD to ODD to CD to depression, but nobody seems to know the answer? Counslers cant help, schools keep them supended, family refuses to help, and you have to work, you have other children to raise, then WHAT???? So all of those out there who think exactly what I did before all of this happened, what would you suggest? How would you handle your child? Who has hurt another child? Who has turned your home and entire family against each other? Who has damaged your home that you are renting?
 
October 12, 2006, 3:46 pm CDT

Whoa there fella...

Quote From: drayadea

 

it may seem crazy to everyone but i agree that devorcing the family is not a bad idea. i am not a parent but on the other fence. i am the child, eventhough i am 19 i can't leave this family. I want a devorce, sometimes its the best things. people need to be willing to change and you cannot make that happen. a devorce sometimes is your only option, one i wish i had. i am going to college to be in education. throughout my life i have never felt loved like my sibling was and i feel the day will never come. my mother watches this show religously. she now beleives i am spoiled because i sleep in, but it is to keep the pain out. i am a "black sheep" and i need an excape. i don't have the privilage to have that excape and continue to my goal in education. i have issues i will agree, i can't spell, i can't be a strait a student eventhough i may try, i can't live up to my brother. i know that, but what makes me so bad? sometimes finding an escape from an unloved family is what you need to find you can be loved by someone else make your path, to find peace.

I disagree. You can do anything if you set your mind and body to it. ANYTHING. You say you can't spell? Sure you can spell. Most of the words in your post were spelled correctly. You say you can't live up to your bother? Sure you can-that's if you really want to. You say you can't be a straight A student? Who says you can't? There is only one person who is putting limits on you and that is YOU. I ask you...How many times a day do you say to yourself  "I can do this." I sense, very few. See...it's all about self-confidence and you're just as good as the next guy and don't let anyone tell you you're not!
 
October 12, 2006, 3:53 pm CDT

doing the right thing

I give this family credit for coming forward and asking for the help. It's hard to get out of those awful ruts that we all seem to get in. There's alot more stress out there today for family's to deal with. Hopefully the help Dr. Phil provided helps them.
 
October 12, 2006, 4:14 pm CDT

Parenting

A wise person once said to me that her kids were not her friends, that they had all the friends they needed, and she was their mom - not a buddy.

 

I have four kids. They are all very different and they all have problems unique to each of them.  Divorce any of them? Nuh uh... Love 'em too much...

 

Having been a CPS Social Worker I have seen the best and the worst people have to offer.  Dealing with problems within many families can be nigh impossible for some people. We are all able to deal with varying situations with equally varying degrees of capability.  Some people, for example, cannot deal with blood and gore, while others have no problem at all, and others can take yelling and screaming without being phased one litle bit, whilst others have panic attacks.

 

There are times when children can become so unruly in a home that they can present a danger to the other occupants in the home; sometimes a deadly danger.  When this occurs, it is the wise parent that seeks help from an agency or agencies to find a remedy to the situation or to learn how best to handle problems within the home.

 

To this end, it is wise to consult the family doctor first. You just never know if there may be an underlying medical problem, and your family doctor is also trained to identify clues to psychological/psychiatric and to make the appropriate referral.  An assessment, of some kind, needs to occur at that next level, and from there some form of treatment or intervention can begin.

 

To say that all problems in a home can be solved using old-fashioned discipline and a bunch of love, belies reality.  There are problems in the home that can, and often do, arise for which the parent or parents are completely ill-equipped and outside intervention is indicated.

 

Now, it is true some parents, and some children, act in ways - or, rather, react  in ways that are unpalatable to society and to the family, including the extended family.  Sometimes these reactions can have disastrous consequences for family members.

 

I am of the mind that it is unwise to condemn until the jury is in and all the facts have been heard.  Thus, if it were my job to intiate an intervention in this family, I would use all the assessment tools to hand, work hard to get to know the family, family dynamics, and seek to understand the underlying and evident problems that existed within the family unit.  I would also work to understand how that family functioned within its own existing ecosystem at the micro, meso and macro levels.

 

Family functioning is complex, and as varied as the snowflakes of winter.  It is the job of experts to unravel the issues where the family cannot.

 
October 12, 2006, 4:18 pm CDT

Please get medication for you child so you can all begin to live and love

Quote From: melissa_24141

Anyone who does understand how a mother would want a child out of her home should have to live the life of that troubled family. I have been there and my 13 year old is temp. out of the home(coming home in two weeks). Due to being a threat to others, damaging the walls, cant keep him in school, extremely angry, nobody is ever right, he is always blaming someone else. When you have tried intensive in home therapy for a year or better, and been to counsling, been to neurologist, doctors, have diagnosis from ADHD to ODD to CD to depression, but nobody seems to know the answer? Counslers cant help, schools keep them supended, family refuses to help, and you have to work, you have other children to raise, then WHAT???? So all of those out there who think exactly what I did before all of this happened, what would you suggest? How would you handle your child? Who has hurt another child? Who has turned your home and entire family against each other? Who has damaged your home that you are renting?
My son and my daughter and my husband are on medication for ADD because my son was acting exactly like your son...he even tried to strangle a student that would not let him help with homework.  My daughter was depressed and my husband was out of control.  Ritalin for ADD is not a horrible thing and it has saved our family in more ways than one.  We are now a loving, caring, understanding family and I feel very sad that you cannot share in this joy and peace that we are experiencing since our ADD family members have their medication each day.  It is not a cop out and it is a real concern that professionals like Dr. Phil and his guest today did not let people like you know this fact.  Please contact a doctor and get your son the medication he needs as I consider it child abuse to not do so when a child acts and clearly needs it like your son.  Would you deny him water and air?  Do not deny him his life controlling medication.  why do we consistently continue to hurt and deny our loved ones what they need?
 
October 12, 2006, 4:33 pm CDT

Do not give up!

Quote From: mardermania

In the first five minutes of the program I thought to myself, oh my gosh, that's my family in about five years.  I have a son who will be 12 in just a couple of days and is headed in the same direction as Jason and Michael.  My son was diagnosed with ADHD before he entered kindergarten.  His behavior has gotten worse over the years and I'm afraid we'll end up just like the family on today's program.  I feel that Dr. Phil portrayed the parents in a negative way and I can completely relate to their frustrations.  I have been living with this out of control behavior for almost 9 years now.  What people have to understand is, a human being can only take so much.  I have been treated for depression, and I currently suffer from Fibro Myalgia.  All related to my home enviroment and the stress that I am under on a daily basis.   Believe me, I don't want to give up on my child, but how much am I supposed to take?  I want you to know that I also have another child, a 17 year old boy.  The two of them are like night and day.  The oldest is mild mannered, respectful of his parents and others and does extremely well in school.  How can one child be so great and the other turn out so wrong.  Both boys were raised with the same rules, parents, morals, etc.

I will continue to do my best and pray for strength and hope for the best.  Thanks for listening.

Children can be different from the same parents...Did you know that I was told that ADD is hereditary?  Did you know that ADD most often is diagnosed in women who are depressed and that depression is how ADD shows itself in women rather than the usual hyper-activity that men experience.  All you have to do is have one doctor give you one medication for ADD and you will know if you have it or not by your reaction immediately...please do not wait and do not continue in your confusion and depression for a reason that can be helped with Ritalin or other medications for ADD.  If something else is working than please do not listen and do not try this solution but if you have not found anything that works than what have you got to lose?

 

I am a wife and mother living with 3 individuals with ADD and they have been on medication for the past 7 years and my adult husband says that he would never, never go back to the way he had to live his life with the frustration and anger and stress before his medication for ADD.  This is the response from an adult on Ritalin and I think we all need to stop acting like we want to help but don't do anything to really help.  Dr. Phil's ideas about family meetings and tools do not work if your son truly has ADD...We tried it all and I hope you can find the courage to do the same.

 

Praying with you and for all the families that are denying themselves the possibility of a better more respectful, loving, caring family because they think there is something wrong with taking medication for their medical problem.

 
October 12, 2006, 5:02 pm CDT

divorcing the family

Raising kids is not easy....Me and my husband have raised 4 ,our youngest just turning 20...there was good times and the bad, but there was one thing we tought them from day 1 was me and their dad alwas backed each other.  We learned that we had better be this way or they could play us against each other and if we did not agree with each other we would always wait till they were in bed before we discussed it, because they did not need to here us...our motto was if our kids were mad at us then we were doing our parenting job. and it wasnt always easy or fun but it was what we had to do to make them turn out to be great adults...Now that they have all moved out and become responsible adults we can be their friends and we have alot of fun together... And they have all thanked us for being the parents that we are....If we thought there was problem that needed to discuss we would have family meeting nights..sometimes those were really hard cause they would tell us things that we did not want to hear...{cause we wanted to be perfect}   but after talking about it we always ended with a solution..  If they werent in sports or involved with any thing then at 16 they had to get a job......they all graduated from high school which we were very proud of them.....but if they didnt go to college then they had to pay rent $100. amonth till they moved out It just taught them to be more responsible.So if you start teaching them when they are small they will learn what ever it is you teach them....Iknow I made a lot of Mistakes when our youngest was very little but I remembered what my childhood was like and knew I did not want my kids to have one like me. so I became different than my parents and I am very glad of that...I hope this family on Dr.phil can get some counciling and get there their family back together. It will take the parents and the kids to learn from the counciling. but if they love each other they can do it...
 
October 12, 2006, 5:05 pm CDT

U R So Right

Quote From: imaginese

I only read a few of the posts, and I can understand when you guys say it's not ok for the kids to come home being mean to their parents. But, I have to say I'm a teen in this exact situation. Their family was a mirror of mine (minus the twins, I'm alone in this)...It's not the kids fault they act like that, THAT IS WHAT THEY WERE TAUGHT. That's what I was taught. And I don't swear, but if I so much as raise my voice in the slightest bit, while I'm being called an f*ing idiot, or a stupida**..I get threanted to be kicked out of my house, or screamed at more. My parents go ballistic, they turn into devils. This show really helped me feel not so alone..I thought I was the only one with parents like this.


Again, I don't think the boys' behavior is right, or good. But I understand where they are coming from. That's the problem now days, parents can't be wrong, it's always gotta be the kids fault, and it's not.

U R So Right and does that make you feel better because I know it does me?  Yet do we really want to hear the answer?  The answer is that you lived in a home as these boys are living in a home where medication for ADD is necessary to allow them to begin to heal and become the loving, kind, caring individuals they can be.  This can only happen with the proper medication for the ADD that they so obviously have and it yes it came from possibly both parents.  The kids are not responsible nor capable of controlling their actions unless they get that medication.

 

No amount of family meetings or tools or books will bring them relief...parents are not totally to blame but when are we going to stop denying our families the peace and joy they deserve when those who have ADD are responsibly and daily given their meds?

 

You are right and you are definitely a victim of a person who may have had ADD in your past.  Be thankful that you did not inherit the possible ADD in your past and continue in your judgment only in maybe a little more constructive way.  Let's help those who need help with their ADD get the help they need today.

 

From the mother and wife of 3 individuals with ADD on meds for 7 years! 

 
October 12, 2006, 5:38 pm CDT

Divorcing the family

My grandson is 17 and he is in a desperate situation.  He was raised by his Mom until the age of 12, he was not required to do anything but eat, sleep and you know, just like a baby.  He went to live with his Dad at the age of 12 and was being taught responsibility. However, he rebelled because he didn't have to do anything at Mom's. 

 

Now things are really out of hand. He is failing out of school, he is skipping school and when he is there he doesn't do anything.  He has told many many lies and the teachers and administration don't want to do anything with him anymore.

 

My son is so frustrated with him that he is thinking about sending him back to his Mom just so that he can have some peace of mind for a awhile.  They fight and yell at each other just like the family on the show tonight. 

 

If he goes to his Mom's he will quit school in a couple weeks.  He has no ambition to do anything and over the years he has learned that he cannot do anything right for anyone.

 

I love him so much and I want to help him, but I am almost 60 years old, I work a full time job in a doctors office.  I go in at 7 am and get off at 6-7 pm three nights a week.  What should I do?  I was thinking having him come to live with me,  I am in a 1 bedroom apartment and I cannot afford to move to a larger apartment.  Besides I don't know if he will stay with me long enough to make the move.  I believe in love and responsibliity and that is something he just doesn't believe in right now.

 

Where can I go to get help,  I taped your show today and I intend to give it to my son to watch.  I know he needs suggestions for places to take my grandson for counseling.  My son will go too if he really believes there is some chance of help.

 

 

 

 

 
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