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Topic : 12/25 Divorcing the Family

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Created on : Thursday, October 05, 2006, 04:44:59 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 10/12/06) When you lose control of your kids and household, is it ever possible to get it back? Peggy was so fed up with her 17-year-old twin boys' behavior –- their yelling, tantrums, cursing, disrespect, fighting -- and the resulting strain on her marriage that she arrived at a radical solution: Divorce one of her sons from the family. However, when Peggy filed the paperwork to emancipate her son, the courts turned her down, leaving him in her care until age 18. Can Dr. Phil convince Peggy and her husband to accept responsibility for their deteriorating home situation? Can he inspire the teens to help calm the chaos? Or, is divorcing a family member a viable last-ditch option? Tell us what you think!

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October 6, 2006, 1:53 pm CDT

about divorcing your family

I think that this realy is not right but if the mother and father are fighting all the time then maybe they can just step back for some time and step a way from one another for a year or maybe longer just maybe..
 
October 6, 2006, 3:05 pm CDT

10/12 Divorcing the Family

running away from your problems and sweeping them under the carpet isn't gonna help anything or anyone, will only make this boy rebell and lose ALL hope and the end results will be him in prison or killing someone, maybe even himself. This family needs a whole lot of professional help and  these people owe it to their children to get it, let's hope that Dr. Phil will be the beginning for this family. 


 
 
October 7, 2006, 5:41 am CDT

divorcing the family

I went through the same situation with my daughter when she was 16. I  taught her about 'Tough Love'.  I told her if she didn't like it here to leave, but, if she went and got picked up by the State Police she would have to go to juvenile hall, then a judge would decide where she would live.  I was a single mom, trying to bring her up. She also used to cut classes at school. Shaved her head, moved out for about 2 months, (finally came home), then I took her to her family dr. and she diagnosed with ODD (oppositional defiant disorder).  It was tough through those years, but anything I threatened her with, I followed through with.  It took about 4yrs, of counseling, and battles with her and her friends, but we finally got through it.  (now has been an elementary teacher for 6 yrs)
 
October 7, 2006, 6:46 am CDT

Emancipation is a bad idea. It would only alienate the young adult, and leave him a lifetime of anger. He is too young to be "given up on".

 
October 7, 2006, 11:08 am CDT

Divorcing the Family

Quote From: ms_northridge

I think that this realy is not right but if the mother and father are fighting all the time then maybe they can just step back for some time and step a way from one another for a year or maybe longer just maybe..

What has this world come to? When/Where did it become okay to divorce our children? Who in their right mind would even consider such a disgusting thing! The day you decided to concieve that child you also chose to commit you entire self to that child for the rest of your life. You can't choose to only be a parent when things are going well, infact it is when things are not going well that your child needs you to be the parent most. I find it very disburbing that our world has become so cold and so weak! It is in weakness that such a stupid conclusion was made. It is throwing in the towel and saying "I don't know how and I am too lazy to put the effort into learning how!" Unfortunately this is what our world has come to. Accepting failure and walking away from it instead of refusing failure and learning how to beat it.  You never fail if you are moving forward.

What I find even more sad is that you as a mother can just dis-regard the fact that your son ever existed. Do you not remember carrying him in your belly for 9 months. Do you remember how amazing it was to feel him growing inside of you. Every time he moved and kicked. Do you remember what you fealt the very first time you met him and held him in your arms? The overwhelming feeling of so much love and joy. Do you remember wondering how you can be filled with so much love and not explode? What about the first time he smiled at you or reached out and grabbed your hand, his first steps, his first day at school, his first girlfriend or broken heart. Do you really think that you can walk away from all of this? You see I don't think that you really can. The fact is, this decision will haunt you and your family forever. It will tear you up inside like you can' t even imagine. And you don't even want to know what it will do to your son!! It's okay to not know how to fix this right now. There is plenty of help for you out there, and you are you about to meet one of the best. It is not okay, however, to throw away so much over such little. Don't you think you are your family is worth the struggle? Love is much bigger than hatred and hurt, you just have to be willing to do whatever it takes to fight for it.  Parenting is suppose to be unconditional Love for the rest of your lives. Lead by example and your son will eventually follow your lead. Love breaks down the strongest of barriers, but hatred and anger builds them. You have not failed untill you have given up! You have it in you to turn this into something so beautiful, you just to find it. I pray that God will give you and your family the way to a happy life together forever. I pray that he will give you the strength and courage you will need to succeed and I pray that he show you the same kind of unconditional love that you shall share with your son.

 

Even if you choose to walk away, you will be the mother of this child until the day you die and a mother never forgets her son!!!

praying for you!

 

 
October 7, 2006, 1:29 pm CDT

Sometimes you have to take drastic measures

Quote From: proudirish

What has this world come to? When/Where did it become okay to divorce our children? Who in their right mind would even consider such a disgusting thing! The day you decided to concieve that child you also chose to commit you entire self to that child for the rest of your life. You can't choose to only be a parent when things are going well, infact it is when things are not going well that your child needs you to be the parent most. I find it very disburbing that our world has become so cold and so weak! It is in weakness that such a stupid conclusion was made. It is throwing in the towel and saying "I don't know how and I am too lazy to put the effort into learning how!" Unfortunately this is what our world has come to. Accepting failure and walking away from it instead of refusing failure and learning how to beat it.  You never fail if you are moving forward.

What I find even more sad is that you as a mother can just dis-regard the fact that your son ever existed. Do you not remember carrying him in your belly for 9 months. Do you remember how amazing it was to feel him growing inside of you. Every time he moved and kicked. Do you remember what you fealt the very first time you met him and held him in your arms? The overwhelming feeling of so much love and joy. Do you remember wondering how you can be filled with so much love and not explode? What about the first time he smiled at you or reached out and grabbed your hand, his first steps, his first day at school, his first girlfriend or broken heart. Do you really think that you can walk away from all of this? You see I don't think that you really can. The fact is, this decision will haunt you and your family forever. It will tear you up inside like you can' t even imagine. And you don't even want to know what it will do to your son!! It's okay to not know how to fix this right now. There is plenty of help for you out there, and you are you about to meet one of the best. It is not okay, however, to throw away so much over such little. Don't you think you are your family is worth the struggle? Love is much bigger than hatred and hurt, you just have to be willing to do whatever it takes to fight for it.  Parenting is suppose to be unconditional Love for the rest of your lives. Lead by example and your son will eventually follow your lead. Love breaks down the strongest of barriers, but hatred and anger builds them. You have not failed untill you have given up! You have it in you to turn this into something so beautiful, you just to find it. I pray that God will give you and your family the way to a happy life together forever. I pray that he will give you the strength and courage you will need to succeed and I pray that he show you the same kind of unconditional love that you shall share with your son.

 

Even if you choose to walk away, you will be the mother of this child until the day you die and a mother never forgets her son!!!

praying for you!

 

It's one thing to remember when they were tiny and needed you and the tantrums were fleeting, but another to deal with the daily lying, anger, harassment by your teen, and the fear that they will do something dangerous to you or themselves.  Sometimes drastic measures are all that are left.  Not everyone can afford a $5,000/month therapeutic school. 
 
October 7, 2006, 1:52 pm CDT

it's very hard to turn a child around

THE BEST ADVICE I CAN GIVE YOU IS TO BE FIRM AND CONSISTANT . OUTSIDE  HELP CAN BE VERY HELPFUL . THERE IS TOO MUCH RESENTMENT AND RECRIMINATION IN A FAMILY IN CRISIS. MY FAMILY FELL APART WHEN MY HUSBAND LEFT WHEN THEY WERE 15 13 AND 10. MY CHILDREN WERE LOST . I TRIED TO KEEP THINGS ON AN EVEN KEEL BUT I WAS REELING AND EMOTIONALLY A WRECK. I WAS NOT STRICT ENOUGH. AND WHEN I WAS THEY IGN0RED MY RULES. THERE ARE MANY YOUTH ORGANIZATIONS WITH POSITIVE MESSAGES. THE ANGRY CHILDREN LASH OUT AT ANYTHING AND ONLY WANT TO HURT AND DISTROY. THEY END UP HURTING THEMSELVES THE WORST. I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST YOU HAVE HOPE AND GREAT HELP. I ONLY WISH I HAD DR. PHIL WHEN I NEEDED DIRECTION AND GUIDANCE.
 
October 7, 2006, 1:58 pm CDT

10/12 Divorcing the Family

So what happens if this family really was able to divorce their child? Do they just forget about him and hand him over to the system? what good would that do! other then relieves the family of responsibility and accountability. chances are, it would ruin the child for life, I have seen it within my own family but of course he could get lucky enough and find some one to actually love and care for him enough to pay a attention to him, which is what happened to me, I was a bit older but to this day, this new family has done wonders for me, as far as the biological family, well, there isn't much room in my life for them. Yes, I go around them some and they are aloud to see my children under my supervision but the most imporant days and events are spent with those who have shown love and respect towards me. Unfortuanely the biological family is pretty well left out of those imporant events. My advice to this family is to love this boy and seek out the help and stick with it, in time, he will be an adult and he will be able to look back and see who really does love and care for him, it would be ashame for your own child to feel the need to feel to not involve you in his life. Children in todays society is missing a whole lot and parental care and positive guidance is one of them  and if it doesn't start while they are very young, then it is gonna be harder to get a grip on, makes me wonder how these young people turn out the way they do, I believe it all starts at home on how a child turns out. yes, they have influences on the outside as well, but for the most part, their teachings and upbringing within the home will be the biggest impact on thier lives, it is we parent who must set the foundation for our kids, give them something to fall back on and disowning a child isn't gonna do that, it is only going to make them hate themselves and feel cheated out of life and chances are, they will be ruined for the rest of their lives.
 
October 7, 2006, 2:37 pm CDT

Divorcing Your Family

Quote From: ms_northridge

I think that this realy is not right but if the mother and father are fighting all the time then maybe they can just step back for some time and step a way from one another for a year or maybe longer just maybe..

This is what the world has came too.  I thought that it was shocking when I heard children divorcing their own parents.  But I have came to understand why kids are going to the extreme.  I have became like an adopted mother to this one teenage girl.  She was suicidale (sorry if it is misspelled) and ready to give up on life, she has a homelife of alcoholic parents who fight constantly and I came to understand why some kids do divorce their parents.  No one has lived in that situation of that family.  So how can you sit here and judge.  Yeah it is wrong, but there is a solution to it.  And maybe Dr, Phil can help them out.  I was in that situation and it was hard to be in and my solution was moving out and going for a divorce because no kids should live their lives in a home enviroment.  I didn't divorce my children I just divorced my husband.   So I see no use in making judgements.  This is sad all the way around.

 
October 7, 2006, 3:20 pm CDT

Divorcing the Family

Quote From: marcia1234

It's one thing to remember when they were tiny and needed you and the tantrums were fleeting, but another to deal with the daily lying, anger, harassment by your teen, and the fear that they will do something dangerous to you or themselves.  Sometimes drastic measures are all that are left.  Not everyone can afford a $5,000/month therapeutic school. 

Amen to you I say.  Tough love is just that, tough love.  Went thru similar problems with our youngest daughter.  She had a loving, two parent home and still was not happy.  She left home at 16 to live with her grandparents after a "professional" told her she should live wherever she felt most comfortable. Granny is a master of enabling and lets her do whatever she wants.  We have a tenuous relationship at best. Now that she is 18 she only comes around when she needs something, usually money.

She went to the $5000/mo theraputic school.  The teachings have kept her clean and sober, so I guess you can call it success. My husband and I have greatly benefitted from the parallel family sessions that they had.  It helped us get over the guilt of feeling like we failed.  We came to realize it is HER series of poor choices that landed her where she is, not ours.  We did the best we could and then some.  I feel for all you parents going thru the same issues.  Hang in there and stay together.

 
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