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Topic : 12/25 Divorcing the Family

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Created on : Thursday, October 05, 2006, 04:44:59 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 10/12/06) When you lose control of your kids and household, is it ever possible to get it back? Peggy was so fed up with her 17-year-old twin boys' behavior –- their yelling, tantrums, cursing, disrespect, fighting -- and the resulting strain on her marriage that she arrived at a radical solution: Divorce one of her sons from the family. However, when Peggy filed the paperwork to emancipate her son, the courts turned her down, leaving him in her care until age 18. Can Dr. Phil convince Peggy and her husband to accept responsibility for their deteriorating home situation? Can he inspire the teens to help calm the chaos? Or, is divorcing a family member a viable last-ditch option? Tell us what you think!

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October 7, 2006, 4:00 pm CDT

Out of Touch with Today!!!

Quote From: marcia1234

It's one thing to remember when they were tiny and needed you and the tantrums were fleeting, but another to deal with the daily lying, anger, harassment by your teen, and the fear that they will do something dangerous to you or themselves.  Sometimes drastic measures are all that are left.  Not everyone can afford a $5,000/month therapeutic school. 

Either you have small children and are not there yet or you are older and you have not had to not bring up teens in todays society. But any one with such a hard attitude has not been there.

 

My 15 year old daughter as much as I loved her turned from a sweet loving girl to  ranting abusive and distructive lunatic.  Running away from home every thursday returning every sunday for school, obvious that she had a very big weekend.  Calling police trying to get help, no help available.  Young girl cursing , swearing physically abusive, threatening her three young brothers and sisters.

 

Finally I tried to send her to my parents, new school new beginning, My parents sent her back after three months, she had been kicked out of school and was bringing some very undesirable people to their home when they were not there.

 

Daughter came home, behaviour just the same, but now she could tell all her friends that her parents had kicked her out and that we were totally evil.

 

Going to a local house where drugs and underage sex where free.  I went to the house to get her and I was attacked by her 20 year old male friends and may other children  some as young as 10 who were at the house as well.  Called the police, was told that unless teh behaviour was happening in teh street they could do nothing.  Much of this happened marriage was suffereing

 

Finally she ran away again, I contacted an agency who told her that she didnt have to come home that if she wanted she got go to foster care and get away from the troubles at home.  (No trying to find a solution)  She was then given an allowance, more disposable cash that I had at the time and went to a foster home where she could do what ever she wanted, they said she was a dream, because they never said no, she went out with her older boyfriend with no objections so of course she was very happy for a while, until they noticed that she was becoming angry with them, they coudnt make her happy, she was a teen who wanted to be unhappy  I guess. I was being told of her behavior and made responsible for it but I was told that now she was in care I had no rights.

 

I had to distance my self from my daughter.  I was a wreck , my other children suffered as I was depressed and found day to day life difficult, I really tried but every day was a struggle.

 

My daughter turns 20 this week, she has a beautiful son and we get along very well, however she is very selfish and feels that we all owe her because of her troubled lilfe.   Foster care taught her that the world owed her, this I have to ignore excepth that the other children are starting to question why she is so special when she was the cause of so many problems

 

Unless you have walked a mile in a desperate parents shoes, do not judge.  Today kids are told that parents are nothing to be respected and that they have more rights that all else.  They have little responsibility and feel that the world owes them.  I pray that my other children dont give me the same grief because i coudl not go through it again.  Five years after my daughters issues and I still find it hard to cope with the lost years.

 

 

 
October 7, 2006, 6:25 pm CDT

put the shoe on the other foot

I am actually a a daughter that has been left no other way but to divorce my mother. From the time my mom and dad had been divorce(when i was 10) to17 years later, my mom has been emotionally absent or abusive and physically abusive to me for the majority of the time. She also turned my older half brother against me as well. She tried to turn my dad against me after years of trying to turn me against my dad. I am my dad's only child which brings my dad and me in a very close relationship. She is making it very hard even as i have moved out to become independent and take care of my son, to live. She has taken away my son as a form of punishment and uses just about everything to go against me in court. She hates my hubby and is furious because i have converted to chrisitianity, giving in mind that i was raised Jewish. I am a 27 year who is now disabled because of back injury previously sustained in a car wreck. long story there. I believe that i may have to divorce my mother to get it across to her that I am a grown up who can make it .
 
October 7, 2006, 6:32 pm CDT

amen sista

Quote From: marcia1234

It's one thing to remember when they were tiny and needed you and the tantrums were fleeting, but another to deal with the daily lying, anger, harassment by your teen, and the fear that they will do something dangerous to you or themselves.  Sometimes drastic measures are all that are left.  Not everyone can afford a $5,000/month therapeutic school. 
I agree with u 100% Thats how i feel too!!!!! I wish my mom was here to read that!!!!!
 
October 7, 2006, 6:44 pm CDT

Sister of Mother in question

Quote From: shagga70

Either you have small children and are not there yet or you are older and you have not had to not bring up teens in todays society. But any one with such a hard attitude has not been there.

 

My 15 year old daughter as much as I loved her turned from a sweet loving girl to  ranting abusive and distructive lunatic.  Running away from home every thursday returning every sunday for school, obvious that she had a very big weekend.  Calling police trying to get help, no help available.  Young girl cursing , swearing physically abusive, threatening her three young brothers and sisters.

 

Finally I tried to send her to my parents, new school new beginning, My parents sent her back after three months, she had been kicked out of school and was bringing some very undesirable people to their home when they were not there.

 

Daughter came home, behaviour just the same, but now she could tell all her friends that her parents had kicked her out and that we were totally evil.

 

Going to a local house where drugs and underage sex where free.  I went to the house to get her and I was attacked by her 20 year old male friends and may other children  some as young as 10 who were at the house as well.  Called the police, was told that unless teh behaviour was happening in teh street they could do nothing.  Much of this happened marriage was suffereing

 

Finally she ran away again, I contacted an agency who told her that she didnt have to come home that if she wanted she got go to foster care and get away from the troubles at home.  (No trying to find a solution)  She was then given an allowance, more disposable cash that I had at the time and went to a foster home where she could do what ever she wanted, they said she was a dream, because they never said no, she went out with her older boyfriend with no objections so of course she was very happy for a while, until they noticed that she was becoming angry with them, they coudnt make her happy, she was a teen who wanted to be unhappy  I guess. I was being told of her behavior and made responsible for it but I was told that now she was in care I had no rights.

 

I had to distance my self from my daughter.  I was a wreck , my other children suffered as I was depressed and found day to day life difficult, I really tried but every day was a struggle.

 

My daughter turns 20 this week, she has a beautiful son and we get along very well, however she is very selfish and feels that we all owe her because of her troubled lilfe.   Foster care taught her that the world owed her, this I have to ignore excepth that the other children are starting to question why she is so special when she was the cause of so many problems

 

Unless you have walked a mile in a desperate parents shoes, do not judge.  Today kids are told that parents are nothing to be respected and that they have more rights that all else.  They have little responsibility and feel that the world owes them.  I pray that my other children dont give me the same grief because i coudl not go through it again.  Five years after my daughters issues and I still find it hard to cope with the lost years.

 

 

My sister is the mother in question here.  I am the one that wrote in to Dr. Phil for help and was very proud of my sister and her family for caring enough to go on national television and air their dirty laundry.  I was getting very worried that something terrible might happen if things didn't change.  The thing that really prompted me to write in was when my Chiropracters 15 year old son stabbed his mother (who was a psychologist) 125 times to her death.  You never think something like this will ever happen to you or someone you know, but it did.  When I saw how violent and out of control my nephews could be, it really scared me. 

 

I have read a lot of the comments and don't feel it's fair to judge them when you have no idea what is really happening in their home.  You only have one paragraph of their entire life and it isn't exactly as Dr. Phil made it sound.  He is so wonderful and we are grateful for his help, but he didn't seem to do his homework on this particular issue.  My sister and her husband have tried so very many things to help their children and family.  Endless therapists, tutors, doctors, groups, etc.  The child in question has even been to a very strict boot camp and still didn't change.

 

It is scary to think you are responsible for the actions of someone that you have absolutely no control over.  The process my sister was involved in was not to relinquish her parental rights but instead to give the child the chance to go before the judge and decide if he wanted to change or depart from the family into the states care.  She was told he would be represented and the end result would be counselling before any type of removal from the home would even be considered. 

 

Anyway, I appreciate everyone's great advise, caring and prayers.  Now that Dr. Phil is on their side and doing so much to help them, I have hope that all will be well in the end. 

 
October 7, 2006, 8:02 pm CDT

10/12 Divorcing the Family

I work in family law. At least twice a month we get calls from frustrated parents that don't know what to do with their children in this regard and, at their wits end, feel that this is the only solution. These parents love their children, but feel they can't sacrifice other children in the household. I have found that these kids seem to need, amoung other things, simply more of their parents - whether it's one or both of them whatever the case may be. Parents now either don't have the tools to be able to cope or aren't resourceful enough to go get them. I was lucky enough to have those by going to free seminars, reading, and trying to see what worked and what didn't. It seemed that basically there was no magic about it.

 

Your kid just wants more of your time. There may be a diagnosis yes, but basically it's the one-on-one they crave. Our busy society prevents that. We spend more time on the freeway and in front of must see t.v. unfortunately now a days - and the kids know it.

 
October 7, 2006, 8:45 pm CDT

Divorcing The Family

I know this show hasn't aired yet, but when it does, I have a pretty good feeling that this family is dis-functional in some other way that has effected this boy.  It's my opinion that most of the time there are underlying reasons why kids act out and become violent or misbehave.

 

I can't believe this mother is even considering divorcing her son.  This will only make the situation much worse.  I knew of a girl that was "divorced" from her mother and father and it was a horrible thing to have happen to her.  This girl's mother and father had divorced.  For some reason, the mother didn't want anything more to do with her, the courts gave her the papers to be on her own and the mother remarried and had other children by the second husband while totally ignoring this daughter.  The girl had a hard time making a living.  Had to work while still in school and was in poverty.  The grandparents helped her some I think, but it was a very sad situation.  I can't imagine why any mother would even consider this. 

 

Something has happened earlier in this young man's life that is causing him to act out in this way.  He has either gotten mixed up with the wrong crowd or has had some sort of dis function within the household.  You have got to spend lots and lots of quality time with children.  I totally believe you also have to talk to them on a daily basis and keep the lines of communication open.  You have to constantly monitor who they are hanging with and learn something about the kind of kids they are with. 

 

I never did anything my mother didn't find out about.  It always amazed me how fast she found out and I never knew her sources. 

 
October 7, 2006, 8:50 pm CDT

I agree with you 100%...

Quote From: shagga70

Either you have small children and are not there yet or you are older and you have not had to not bring up teens in todays society. But any one with such a hard attitude has not been there.

 

My 15 year old daughter as much as I loved her turned from a sweet loving girl to  ranting abusive and distructive lunatic.  Running away from home every thursday returning every sunday for school, obvious that she had a very big weekend.  Calling police trying to get help, no help available.  Young girl cursing , swearing physically abusive, threatening her three young brothers and sisters.

 

Finally I tried to send her to my parents, new school new beginning, My parents sent her back after three months, she had been kicked out of school and was bringing some very undesirable people to their home when they were not there.

 

Daughter came home, behaviour just the same, but now she could tell all her friends that her parents had kicked her out and that we were totally evil.

 

Going to a local house where drugs and underage sex where free.  I went to the house to get her and I was attacked by her 20 year old male friends and may other children  some as young as 10 who were at the house as well.  Called the police, was told that unless teh behaviour was happening in teh street they could do nothing.  Much of this happened marriage was suffereing

 

Finally she ran away again, I contacted an agency who told her that she didnt have to come home that if she wanted she got go to foster care and get away from the troubles at home.  (No trying to find a solution)  She was then given an allowance, more disposable cash that I had at the time and went to a foster home where she could do what ever she wanted, they said she was a dream, because they never said no, she went out with her older boyfriend with no objections so of course she was very happy for a while, until they noticed that she was becoming angry with them, they coudnt make her happy, she was a teen who wanted to be unhappy  I guess. I was being told of her behavior and made responsible for it but I was told that now she was in care I had no rights.

 

I had to distance my self from my daughter.  I was a wreck , my other children suffered as I was depressed and found day to day life difficult, I really tried but every day was a struggle.

 

My daughter turns 20 this week, she has a beautiful son and we get along very well, however she is very selfish and feels that we all owe her because of her troubled lilfe.   Foster care taught her that the world owed her, this I have to ignore excepth that the other children are starting to question why she is so special when she was the cause of so many problems

 

Unless you have walked a mile in a desperate parents shoes, do not judge.  Today kids are told that parents are nothing to be respected and that they have more rights that all else.  They have little responsibility and feel that the world owes them.  I pray that my other children dont give me the same grief because i coudl not go through it again.  Five years after my daughters issues and I still find it hard to cope with the lost years.

 

 

I am a step-dad, with a strong latin traditional upbringing.  My wife is half Italina, half English, but with a North American upbringing that believe that when kids are 18 they should be on their own.  She in turns says that my soon to be 19 year old is nieve, due to my overprotectiveness.  My duaghter Heather was the little love of my eyes till July of 2006.  I know exactly what you say, how quickly they can change.  Hether graduated from H.S.  top 5% of her class.  Graduated 6 months early, took a semester break.

 

With our dance group Tropical Star Dancers, that she and I started when she was 15, we entered the Rainbow National Dance Competiton, won 2nd place High in IL, went to the FINALS in Las Vegas, and brought home 2nd Place High again, agains steeper tougher competition.  During the trip we were in bliss, she made plans of going bakc in March to compete again, then with more numbers, and bowed to go back to Vegas to bring back 1st. 

 

Bu August she met this useless piece of work, called Stephen.  Since then she has threatened to quit college twice, and I have agreed to let her just finish the semester and not press for her to continue.  I have insisted for her to work full time, and pay for a fith of our household expenses if she want to continue living here.  She must abide by a curfew, and the 2003 Ford Mustang COnvertible I purchased with so much happiness for her in June 2006, will now be traded for a more appropriate year-around car with less than half the value, that now her mom will pick.

 

Heather is my step-daughter, but has been in my life since she is 6.  At 8 I had to go to counseling with her, so we can establish ground rules, and learn to love, and respec each other.  Well that treatment took, and worked from 8 to 18.  Now it is time to push her out, and feel lik a looser, telling my wife she was right and I was wrong.

 

I hear your pain, do you hear mine.  Some people who have not been attached to their children, and they revold as teens simply have NO IDEA!!!  I still don't know how life with or without Heather will be, or even if I will have a marriage left after all is done.

 
October 7, 2006, 10:03 pm CDT

Don't give up!

I  raised 3 boys on my own for 11 yrs. I am now assisting my husband is raising his two daughers. He lost their mother in 1996 to a brain tumor. The girls were 10 and 13 when we married. The 13 yr old was a dream. The 10 yr old was a nightmare. Long story short: I decided I was the adult, I would be the bigger person. I came into her family and "stole" her daddy. It took years of unconditional of love, kindness,  discipline, & lots of tears (from both of us), but we made it through. We had a great relationship until she turned 16 and got her drivers license, a job, a car, a cell phone, a lap top, a checking account/ with ATM card and an IPOD. Then an alien took over her body. My husband is an Over the Trucker. So, I have to discipline. She decided that I needed to mind my business and stay the **** out of her life, she is going to run away, she is old enough to be on her own, ect...  She will be 17 in a few months. She no longer has access to "her" car, the checking account/ATM, the cell phone, or the IPOD. She may drive when she does me favors and she may use her lap top for homework only, then it is back in my possession. We will not tolerate rude, disrespectful behavior. We try our best to be consistent.  We gave her fair warning what would happen if she was to upset the home. Running away is not allowed. Following our rules is the only option. After all, we are only required by law to provide a safe enviroment, food, clothing, medical attention, and an education. Everything else is a privilege that can be enjoyed when you follow the rules. Children need quidlines to succeed in life. Our job as parents is to give them those guidelines. And to expect that they are followed. If she talked to her boss as she has to me, she would not have a job. If she did not follow directions or do the tasks assigned her, she would not have a job. If our children are to make it in the world we MUST teach them how! I understand how parents want to give up. Believe me!  We MUST not! These children are going to lead our country! To defend our country!  Dr. Phil will help you. I wish you luck. My prayers are with you.

 
October 7, 2006, 11:28 pm CDT

Divorcing son not the answer

Quote From: vonnielou

I know this show hasn't aired yet, but when it does, I have a pretty good feeling that this family is dis-functional in some other way that has effected this boy.  It's my opinion that most of the time there are underlying reasons why kids act out and become violent or misbehave.

 

I can't believe this mother is even considering divorcing her son.  This will only make the situation much worse.  I knew of a girl that was "divorced" from her mother and father and it was a horrible thing to have happen to her.  This girl's mother and father had divorced.  For some reason, the mother didn't want anything more to do with her, the courts gave her the papers to be on her own and the mother remarried and had other children by the second husband while totally ignoring this daughter.  The girl had a hard time making a living.  Had to work while still in school and was in poverty.  The grandparents helped her some I think, but it was a very sad situation.  I can't imagine why any mother would even consider this. 

 

Something has happened earlier in this young man's life that is causing him to act out in this way.  He has either gotten mixed up with the wrong crowd or has had some sort of dis function within the household.  You have got to spend lots and lots of quality time with children.  I totally believe you also have to talk to them on a daily basis and keep the lines of communication open.  You have to constantly monitor who they are hanging with and learn something about the kind of kids they are with. 

 

I never did anything my mother didn't find out about.  It always amazed me how fast she found out and I never knew her sources. 

I cannot judge or stand in this mother's shoes, but, I will say from my experience (little that it is)that you can NEVER divorce your children.  They are yours forever!!  I guess watching the show will give us more detail about what goes on in that family and hopefully all of them can receive the help they need.  One thing to remember always as I learned from experience, children do not do bad things to deliberately punish you and as a parent we cannot ever give up on them.  They need at least one place to fall safely.
 
October 8, 2006, 5:56 am CDT

10/12 Divorcing the Family

Divorcing your child is on the same level as enabling the child. It is a habit that has probably been going on in that household for 17 years. My stepsister is 42, is an RN, has 2 children. My parents have bailed her out so many times from her bad choices. Bankruptcy, car repo, and now she is loosing her house. Plus has lost her job for "tardiness", and is living with her "internet" boyfriend, and going out playing poker every night. Her 19 year old son has been caught with pot twice, totalled a car, and only worked about 3 months since he was 16. Her 18 year old daughter is a high achiever and now having to go live with my parents. They live in South Texas and she wants to go to a Texas University. My parents have finally told my stepsister no more...I don't know what she'll do about loosing her home, but seems more interested in the fact that boyfriend will leave her when she looses it. She also had the bypass surgery about 5 years ago, and seems determined to stay in her teens mentally. I wonder if she's found that being skinny doesn't make you happy. I wish Dr. Phil could get ahold of this family.
 
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