Topic : 12/25 Divorcing the Family

I too have an 8yr old boy who is out of control. Hitting constant fighting and argueing. It's not easy. Make my story short. married13years to a S.O.B. Had 4 children. Left him started a life with a man and his 8year old daughter who we have whenever  possible. I love her very much and treat her like my own. however it is very hard to keep everyone happy. It deffenetly gets in the way of my relationship with my significant other. I wish someone could show me how to put this family together as one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                                                         Thanks for listening

  What happened to "unconditional love?"  I have been in this mother's situation but not with twins, just a daughter.  I believe that if I had not loved her unconditionally, she would have given up on herself.  Some problems are too big to handle without professional help, such as this one.  But  divorcing the children or child is not the answer.

There is a common thread I see in all these families who have told their stories about having problems with their kids.  These kids are all part of divorced families.  I hate to say it, but it's the truth, divorce just tears a kid apart.  If you want to have problems with your kids,  just split up the home. 

Myself, I'm from a "Leave it to Beaver" family.  My husband however, is from a divorced home.  We started dating when he was a sophomore in high school.  I was older and had just graduated out of high school.  I've seen how divorce and parental neglect  tore him apart.  His mom and dad divorced when he was three.  His real father had very little to do with him....ever.  Still doesn't, they haven't spoken or seen each other now for about 8 years. 

After spending years being raised by only his mother, and she is a very good mother, she remarry ed when he was about 12.  Well, that was a horrible time to have that happen.  His step dad was very good to him,  however, my husband  went wild as a teen, was smoking, drinking, running with a bad crowd. He never tried hard drugs, but it was a miracle he didn't.  His mother was paying very little attention to what he was doing.  She was just running around with her new husband.  He was staying at friends houses alot and doing as he pleased. 

 I seen he was going down a very bad path and finally I told his mother exactly what he was doing.  This shocked her, she started crying and she decided she had better be paying attention to him. 

Somehow, he eventually came out of it.  My parents say it was only because of me and our friendship.  They say, if not for me, he would have probably turned out horrible and I'd say they are right.  We eventually married when we were in our early 20's and have been married almost 21 years.  He still has essentially no relationship with his real dad. 

We have one son who is 18 and a senior in high school this year.  We've had no problems with our son at all.  Our son is very religious and attends Church alot.  I told my husband one time he is nothing like you were as a teen, you were horrible.  His reply was, "Well, don't tell him!"  I think there is alot of wisdom in that also.  I don't think you ever want to tell a kid your shortcomings.  I think you should tell them not to do certain things, then leave it at that.  Otherwise, I don't care what it is, they will think well Dad did that and he turned out ok.  It didn't hurt him, I can do it too and be ok.  I'm a firm believer that you just try to teach them right and leave it at that.

My husband does have scars from childhood though and they do effect him in adulthood.  Mainly dealing with the rejection of his dad.  I think it causes him to have low self esteem and he tends to always be looking for acceptance from us.  He has problems with feeling unwanted. Our son knows that and sees it in his personality.  There is just no hiding it.  I've just taught our son that you want to be very wise when picking a mate and try very hard to always keep a family together unless it's just a hopeless situation because he can see from his dad the problems it causes. Unfortunately, our son has never had much of a relationship with his real paternal grandfather.  But his step-grandfather was very good to him.   

Divorce is very hard on children, especially when you throw an instant-family in the mixture. Your son prbably feels very confused and perhaps even jealous of your step daughter. He obviously hasn't accepted the divorce yet, and likely doesn't know how.  Hang in there and remind him every day how much he is loved by both you and your ex-husband. The worst thing you can do is make him feel unloved or unwanted by his biological father. Even if he's not around your son needs to know he is loved. You also need to remember that this is the time when your son needs to learn how to deal with his anger. You need to talk to him about his anger and teach him ways to vent that anger in a productive way because if you don't we will be hearing about your out of control teenager in a few years. He needs to know when his behaviour is unacceptable and he needs to be made accountable every time.  Now is the time to turn it around for your son. He has to be a priority for you right now. You need to be real with your son, they understand more than you realize, but leave out the negatives. Re-assure your son that it will stop hurting one day, and allow him to grieve for as long as he needs. If your son knows that he can call on you whenever he needs to, even if it's not the greatest time, he will get past this. You need to give him (and the rest of your children) your utmost attention now so that your situation will florish into the happy life that you are working so hard to provide. Just remember, kids need a lot of attention and guidance when they are hurting. This is the molding stage and you as their mother will make or break that. Keep up the good work and hang in there, it will get better...

I have to disagree that it comes from living in divorced homes. Sorry but i grew up in ahouse where my parents are still married to this day 38 years and one of my sisters is a control freak the other has four kids to four fathers and only has two living with her and they only get to stay for the money she gets from centrelink. My brother is married with four kids and has the unhappiest life i could ever imahine and if it wasnt for Dr Phil i could probably be where they all are, instead i am about to finish a uni degree and am married with three kids all to the same father. My husbands parents are also still married and have also been married 38 years this year and he has no confidence and doesn't know how to express himself, he ahs a brother who does whatever he wants in life and his parents make it all ok and a sister who manipulates everyone. I think sometimes it isn't the fact that kids come from seperated homes but more the parents they grow up with.

My mother is a gambler who attended nothing and gave us about the same to be at the pokies, my father sexually abused all three of us girls. My husbands parents can't stand each other in the thirteen years we have been together i have never seen them show any affection to each other or their kids. So parents can stay together but it doesn't make it "the beaver family".

Thanks for listening

rattle5

Dear friend

I know you have been under a lot of stress in the recent times, the mind is so tired and messed that you need a break from the mundane life. But think a moment before you decide on an issue as important as alienating your own child.

Marriage and divorce are as much the same, a lot of readjustments, a lot of resettling and everything works well when compromises are made on those which need one.

I come from a family where knowingly or unknowingly, my mother had hurt me since I was 6. As a young girl, I knew I am just not as much as her son. It only gets worse and worst for the trauma kept growing to a stage where I feel, she felt pushed to her boundaries each time, I just needed her. Today, I am at such an emotional conflict as to whether feel it was a big joke or just inflict harm to myself thinking about all the hardships she gave me.

How can love for one child be any different from the other, in a family ? How can such a partisan love be defined as unconditional ? If having someone away from life is the only way dealing with pain, then isn't not pain thinking about breaking your nerves and fibers of bondage with that child who was afterall yours ?

Maybe he is testing your nerves until you feel so sucked, but how does it feel to have a mother abandon her son, whom else will he grow to trust and live with ? Do any of us have the right to pluck those intimate values of survival incl. trust and warmth in any individual ? Give a thought and try to think that you are finite and accept it.

Do you have a loving sister or any relative who can take care of you more than your son ? You shd stay away for sometime, not your son, both shd know what you mean to each other, let all the pain and anger subside ... You sometimes have to let go to accept that life still is going on and that you don't have to panic. Just relax and exercise mentally to handle it with a lot of trust in God and you would realize someday, that someone like your son feeling proud to having you in his life can be one mighty reason for you to feel convinced of all your actions ... someday ... its worth it.

I know nothing of what this mother went through... I wasn't there... Yes, I do have a seventeen year old that drives me nuts sometimes, but I don't think I'll be looking to divorce him any time soon...

I say to him:

"Son, I would not trade places with you for all the world!"

"Why?" he asks...

"Too much, and too many pressures to have to bear..." I tell him...

I remember a time where there were no personal computers, no Myspace, or Yahoo or whatever.  Mind you, I remember the innovation of the microwave oven and a lot of other things.  Actually, I remember the first time I saw a plane without a propellor and being amazed that it could stay up there!

There was no brand loyalty stuff.  No Nikes, no Reeboks, no American Eagle or Hollister either.  None of that.  And my friends did NOT get $40,000 cars and trucks, unless day and mummy were (to borrow from Forrest Gump) gozillionaires! 

My boy has to contend every day with kids that drive around in Porsches, Mustangs, Hondas and all manner of other shiny new motorized metal with high-dollar price-tags.  They come to school in shoes that cost well over a hundred dollars a pair and jeans that run as much as $150 a pair, and live in houses with ornaments that often cost as much as a lot of people's double-wides - land included!  And there is the pressure to "have" that comes with it.  You're not cool if you don't have all this stuff.  Definitely not cool if your Playstation or your X-Box is not at least a Playstation 2 or an X-Box 360, and your games are not the newer, state-of-the-art-3D-sooperdooper-hundred dollar a pop ones that you can play online... High speed, wireless internet of course!

I bought my first car, a 1955 Ford Thames Trader (an English car) for $5 from a recovering drug addict.  It was hot pink, brush painted, had a 10 horsepower sidevalve engine and three speeds (on the floor).  That car was the love of my life!  My second car was a 1952 Ford four door sedan that I bought for $50.  I could never decide whether the car was rusty or simply bio-degradable... It, likewise, was a sidevalve, but a huge pulsating (albeit on 4 or 5 cylinders most of the time)V8, its three gears were on the column, and all of them crunched and ground most of the time.  By the time I was seventeen I could change oil, tires, and make many repairs on my old clunkers.  I could change a clutch out on either vehicle in under two hours, and with limited tools. Life was simpler.

My son - like all other sons these days - wants a car to a value not less than $20,000, and he wants the shoes, clothes, and all the other goodies that all his friends have.  And when they are not forthcoming, his life becomes more difficult, especially with his peers. 

Tell me, how many people (especially guys) actually notice what kind of shoes other people are wearing? And how often they wear that particular pair of shoes? How many people out there really care if a belt is bought from Wal-Mart or from Old Navy?  These kids sure do!

And then there is the "No-muscle."  Getting the firm answer "No!" is usually merely a notification for most kids now to turn the screws a little bit tighter... Not go away and not come back whilst mumbling incoherent little mutterings under the breath.  Nuh uh!  "No" means try again later and try a little blackmail or whatever other useful tool comes to hand! 

Ah! Kids! I would not trade places with them to live in the day and age for anything!

Want to blame someone for rotten kids? Try blaming the brand-loyalty gurus that have our kids subscribing to the endless "Must-Have" list for everything from shoes, to jeans, to shirst and jackets, to games and cars and even what kind of music they listen to. 

Want to blame something for pouty,  gotta-have kids?  Blame marketing and parents who bow to pressure from it all...

The kids (and behaviors etc) are a symptom of it all...  

This truly is the age of metro-sexuality...