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Topic : 12/25 Divorcing the Family

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Created on : Thursday, October 05, 2006, 04:44:59 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 10/12/06) When you lose control of your kids and household, is it ever possible to get it back? Peggy was so fed up with her 17-year-old twin boys' behavior –- their yelling, tantrums, cursing, disrespect, fighting -- and the resulting strain on her marriage that she arrived at a radical solution: Divorce one of her sons from the family. However, when Peggy filed the paperwork to emancipate her son, the courts turned her down, leaving him in her care until age 18. Can Dr. Phil convince Peggy and her husband to accept responsibility for their deteriorating home situation? Can he inspire the teens to help calm the chaos? Or, is divorcing a family member a viable last-ditch option? Tell us what you think!

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October 9, 2006, 9:52 am CDT

Divorcing your child

Quote From: angeden

I cannot judge or stand in this mother's shoes, but, I will say from my experience (little that it is)that you can NEVER divorce your children.  They are yours forever!!  I guess watching the show will give us more detail about what goes on in that family and hopefully all of them can receive the help they need.  One thing to remember always as I learned from experience, children do not do bad things to deliberately punish you and as a parent we cannot ever give up on them.  They need at least one place to fall safely.
I have been through it sorta . My daughter turned 17 she decided she didn't want her family anymore. She had been on a date with her boyfriend. When they got back home she asked to be emancipated,I asked her want that meant she explained it meant we didn't boss her anymore. She wanted to control her own life or else. I told her we can't do that. She went into the bathroom and knicked both her wrist just enough to bring blood. Her boyfriend calmly said shes been cutting herself like that for 6 months and thats how long she had been seeing him.She wanted to move in with him at his parents. We put her in the car and took her to the hospital.The doctor on call that night sent her to a teen mental health center for an evaluation,she stayed there for a week. Then she continued to get worse. The mental health center found out she had been sexually involved with her boyfriend and they filled a report with the sheriffs department ( her boyfriend was 5 years older ). He was charged with statutory rape,we had to sign papers when they arrested him. Then things got really out of control. She got on the computer with him and his mother would call child services and report we were abusing our daughter. We found out we were being set up on those charges so we wouldn't press the statutory rape charge, they tried to have a bargining chip you drop the statutory rape charge and she would say we weren't abusing her. The sherriffs department also found out our daughter was lying on her parents and the investagator filed an unruly child charge on our daughter.She was placed in juvenile court. We loved our daughter so much we keep telling the judge we want to keep her.The judge kept telling us its not safe to have her live with you , she has two younger teenage brothers if she tells lies on you'll she will start telling them on her brothers . she will try anything to get  her way. We kept telling the judge we wanted to keep her that we could never stop loving her. So we hired her a lawyer to try to get the unruly child charge dropped. We tried to get counsilling but the mental health center turned us down. They stated it would be against our daughters intrest. The judge ordered family counsiling there but they refused to see us as a family or individually .But we did have a social worker come into the home once a week. But it turned out not to help. Then 2 weeks before her next court date on the unruly child charge, she went to school and called the mental health center and told her dad said he was going to kill her. The social worker came for her visit and asked her does your parents know what you said she told the social worker don't tell them the social worker said yes I am going to tell them.I asked her what did she say.The social worker told me. I told our daughter why did you say that. She replied I don't like what you'll are doing with my boyfriend. I told her its out of our hands the state has got him on that charge and besides we weren't the ones that reported it. You see when she first started telling that we were abusing her , her dad had 2 bad heart attacks, and a team of cardioligists at  St.Thomas hospital said his heart was badly damaged and if he had another one he wouldn't live through it, thats one reason the judge said it wasn't safe having her live with us,the judge had the doctors reports.But I just couldn't think of her not living with us untill that night. She was always closest to her dad than she was me and I couldn't figure out why she told stuff on him and not me because I was the more stricter parent,then a friend told me shes using him to get back at you. She lost her boyfriend and she wants to take her dad from you. She never had any remorse about him having the heart attacks. She watched when he was med-flighted to St Thomas hospital. Me and her younger brothers thought we wouldn't see him alive again .I collapsed on the parking lot when the chopper left. I didn't want to go through that again.I went outside crying when I found out she was telling her dad said he was going to kill her and her 2 younger brothers was outside. They both told me mom its time you made the decision if she stays or not. The social worker left,and I called the youth pastor at our church and asked him what he thought I should do. He told me everyone in the church has tried to help her and she refuses any help.And all I can tell you is call the investagator and let her take her into states custody. So when I hung up the phone the department of childs services called and told me, they knew what she had told and for us to keep her for the night and come up and talk to the judge the next morning.We did and the judge put her into states custody. That was a year ago 0ctober 7. That was the roughest day I have ever went through. She is in States custody untill she gets 25. They call it post custody after they turn 18, which she turned 18 on April 09.2006 She won't talk to us, I saw her May 19,2006 when she graduated high school but we haven't spoke since. I am very upset because I feel we were cheated I feel like something else could have been done besides us losing our daughter. Theres not a second that goes by she is not on my mind. I wonder what shes doing ,and wheres shes at, who shes with. All the State tells me is shes 18 now and we cant make her contact you. But an update on her boyfriend , the charge of statutory rape is still pending,and he has 2 more felonies now . He was attending college becoming a parametic and he held a gun on on of his teachers because she wouldn't let him make up a test grade. And the ambulance service he worked at fired him. The other charge was with another teacher I don't know what he did to that one. All I do know is HOW MUCH I MISS MY DAUGHTER.
 
October 9, 2006, 11:33 am CDT

Nuh Uh

A long time ago, our parents would say, "Nuh uh!" and we kids went away, head hung low, and thinking, "Well that sucks!"  but obeisant to the dictates of our parent/s.

 

Now? We say "Nuh uh!" and the kids get an attorney... Call CPS...  Sic the sheriff's department onto us... and never once realize how good they had it until it is gone...

 

In my experience as a former CPS Social Worker, I have seen kids make all manner of statements to all manner of officials because mom or dad did not say or do whatever it was they were supposed to say or do... And, sometimes, officials take a great deal of notice of what has been said, and the hapless child gets taken into state's custody.

 

What happens then? Well, the courts get involved, parents come under suspicion, and the kids wind up having to follow more rules than they ever imagined existed.

 

You see, there are precious few foster homes open to teens, especially those deemed unruly in some form or fashion.  So these kids wind up in RTC's of children's shelters, or in Treatment Foster Care, and often times in Acute Wards of psychiatric hospitals. In these places there are very rigid rules. Inflexible and rigid, these places seek to compel unruly teens to "conform" and rarely succeed in doing so without destroying the very spirits of the hapless individuals.

 

Rules include:

 

When to get up and

When to go to bed

When to eat

What to eat

Who they can see and

Who they can't...

 

There are no sleep-overs at friend's houses, and definitely friends cannot come over!  Oh yes, and no driver's licenses until after age eighteen...

 

All of this can take months - even years - winding its way through the ponderous systems of our states before a resolution is found, and the innocents are sometimes, sadly, found guilty...

 

States make lousy parents...  And if some teens knew the possible consequences of their actions, a lot fewer would call in and make allegations - well, false ones anyway...

 

 

 

 
October 9, 2006, 2:52 pm CDT

I AGREE 100%

Quote From: marcia1234

It's one thing to remember when they were tiny and needed you and the tantrums were fleeting, but another to deal with the daily lying, anger, harassment by your teen, and the fear that they will do something dangerous to you or themselves.  Sometimes drastic measures are all that are left.  Not everyone can afford a $5,000/month therapeutic school. 
I have an eleven year old son who is ADHD and also has mood swings and they also think he has OCD. I have dealt with this behavior since he was 4. In fact, He just got released from Belmont Pines Behavioral Hospital this past thursday. I also had to go down to the Juvineile Court and File charges against him. He had lit fireworks in our newly built home and burned the carpet and the window. Luckily, he burned things that can be replaced. I am very thankfull that none of my children were hurt. This is not the first time he has played with fire. He did it about 1 month ago at 5 in the morning and also used a bucket of gasoline. He repeatedly calls me stupid, retard, liar and many others. I have 5 other children to take care of and he needs constant supervision and dicipline. I don't know what else to do with him. I know what you mean completely and I could probably type all night and write a book about all  the things my son has done, as well as had children services called quite a few times.....I don't know what else to do with him. He goes to counseling and a psychiatrist and is on medication. If anyone has any advice for me, I'd be glad to hear it.....Thanks...........
 
October 9, 2006, 4:46 pm CDT

Your creation???

Reading this topic I'm not going to judge this women, but what I am going to do is give my opinion on kids being disrespectful to their parents. Children are only going to do what you aloud them to do. It starts from a toddler. If a parent gives into her toddler demands just to keep them from crying or embarrassing them in public you are creating a long term problem because that cute toddler grows up. If your behavior continues throughout your child raising you will be creating a monster. In this event you will most likely be calling Dr Phil, or be on his show. Anyhoo I'm not Dr Phil I thought I would just throw that out there. Parents with disrespectful kids must look at where they believe they went wrong. It's not the kid fault they are like they are. Do I have kids? Yes, three and I want them to look at me the wrong way. My kids Know I'm the parent and they are the child. I believe some parents try to be their child's friend, and aloud them to speak to them with any  tone. This is where the problems start. All parents want to be loved deeply by their child, but when you know you are doing something for your child best interest a parent shouldn't care if it upsets their child, but some parent do care. Questions arise, "what if he,or she gets mad at me, What if she, or he doesn't love me anymore?". If a parent know they are doing it for their  child's own Good in the long run when the child grows up they will look back on how their parents raised them and they will appreciate it. Raising a child is the hardest job in the world because there is no book of instructions that pops out of your stomach along with your baby when it is born, not one, so go to the nearest Barns and Nobles before you have a child. If you already have a full grown brat too late, Just joking SMILE.......... Really a person bad parenting skills can be reverse with help by a professional like Dr Phil........... 

 
October 9, 2006, 6:59 pm CDT

This was my family

Growing up my parents had more trouble with my brother than most people can handle. He did what he wanted and was very aggressive with a very short temper and my parents answer was to kick him out. they felt with the 3 other children they had it would be best. However it may have been good for the other children I feel it was the wrong appoach for my brother. I think as a parent it is thier responsability to make sure he recieved the help he needed. For some reason they kept taking him out of treatment before he was really ready. I feel that it just makes things worse for parents to just abandon thier child because they are having problems. Maybe as I go on parenting my children I my change my mind but for now as I look back at my own family problems this is what I believe.

 
October 9, 2006, 7:51 pm CDT

10/12 Divorcing the Family

Quote From: dawndweezie

I have an eleven year old son who is ADHD and also has mood swings and they also think he has OCD. I have dealt with this behavior since he was 4. In fact, He just got released from Belmont Pines Behavioral Hospital this past thursday. I also had to go down to the Juvineile Court and File charges against him. He had lit fireworks in our newly built home and burned the carpet and the window. Luckily, he burned things that can be replaced. I am very thankfull that none of my children were hurt. This is not the first time he has played with fire. He did it about 1 month ago at 5 in the morning and also used a bucket of gasoline. He repeatedly calls me stupid, retard, liar and many others. I have 5 other children to take care of and he needs constant supervision and dicipline. I don't know what else to do with him. I know what you mean completely and I could probably type all night and write a book about all  the things my son has done, as well as had children services called quite a few times.....I don't know what else to do with him. He goes to counseling and a psychiatrist and is on medication. If anyone has any advice for me, I'd be glad to hear it.....Thanks...........
My heart goes out to you and I will start to pray for you and your son.  Do you know the Lord Jesus Christ? is He a part of your life?  I do not have this situation in my life, but I have dealt with a prodigal daughter for the last 7 years and I tell you that the Lord is good, He can restore any relationship if you just ask Him to.  Dear Jesus I feel so heartbroken for this mom and Lord I know that you are the restorer of relationships and You want to restore this relationship between this mom and her son, Lord you are about relationships, You Lord long to have a close relationship with us, to talk with us daily, to know all of our struggles and to help us with everything.  LOrd I am asking that you intercede in this relationship, Lord I ask that you bind any strongholds that this son has in his life, anger, bitterness, disrespect, violent behaviors, Lord we ask that you bind these strongholds in his life.  Lord your word says that anything we bind here on earth will also be bound in heaven, Lord we come together and agree on this.  Lord please give this mom peace, Your peace Lord that passes all understanding and any of human understanding, help her stand firm in the peace that you give her, allowing her to know that You will work this out and restore this relationship.  Lord please speak to this young man's heart, Lord show him his need for you, show him how broken he is and how much he needs you, Lord please put him back on the right track, LOrd please heal his body of OCD, ADHD and mood swings, Lord cover him with the blood of Jesus.  There is power in the blood, there is power in the blood, there is wonderous working healing power in the blood of Jesus, Lord we know that you can heal this young man and bring him out of the darkness that he is in.  Lord we ask all of these things in faith in Jesus name AMen.  Please let me know of any changes.  Love Jo
 
October 9, 2006, 7:51 pm CDT

Take the Car Away...

Quote From: dawndoyle

I have an 18 year old daughter who thinks she runs my life.  I  have tried over and over to get her to stop being disrepectful and stop swearing at me and my husband but she won't.  I have the great pleasure in saying she doesn't live with me anymore.  Which also makes me feel horrible because I am happy she is not with me.  She thinks I am a battering ram to beat on.  She makes me feel horrible.  She is so spoilled by her grandmother and aunt on her father's side it is unbelieveable.  She thinks I owe her a living and I have to pay for everything for her.  She has her own apartment now and the only reason she can afford it is because she is getting money from the VA because of me, I am a veteran.  She has a part time job and goes to school for pre-nursing when she goes.  She has a boyfriend who is in jail that she visits all the time.  She is irresponsible with her money.  She owes us 250 dollars each month to pay for her car which she doesn't  pay.  We want to take the car away but then she would have no way to work or  to school which she needs to do.  So we are stuck.  I wish she would learn some manners and respect but she hasn't and won't because her father when he had her didn't teach her any.  He spoilled her and taught her nothing.  Atleast when she was with me she had disipline and manners when she was younger.  then she went to live with her father and he bad mouthed me and gave her everything to stay with him.  All I got after that was disrespect and anger.  Well thanks for listening.

It seem that she has more than a few people that will get her another one.  She probably is betting you and your Husband won't do that.  I personally have decided not to stand for being taken for granted anymore.  The picture here on my profile is me and the one I used to see through her eyes only, Heather.  Right now she is getting from me is the carpet being pulled from underneath, and she is feeling ever centimeter of it as it gets pulled.  Sure it hurts me, but in the end it is going to hurt her more.  Enough of brats taking advantage.  Heather is 18, will turn 19 in December, and hopefully she will be moved out of the house before 20.

 

Either that or I will do everything in my power to move us 6 states away, and she already has said she won't go, so that is a blessing.

 

Take care, and good luck.

 

 

 
October 9, 2006, 8:00 pm CDT

I bet it has to hurt...

Quote From: rebasmom

I have been through it sorta . My daughter turned 17 she decided she didn't want her family anymore. She had been on a date with her boyfriend. When they got back home she asked to be emancipated,I asked her want that meant she explained it meant we didn't boss her anymore. She wanted to control her own life or else. I told her we can't do that. She went into the bathroom and knicked both her wrist just enough to bring blood. Her boyfriend calmly said shes been cutting herself like that for 6 months and thats how long she had been seeing him.She wanted to move in with him at his parents. We put her in the car and took her to the hospital.The doctor on call that night sent her to a teen mental health center for an evaluation,she stayed there for a week. Then she continued to get worse. The mental health center found out she had been sexually involved with her boyfriend and they filled a report with the sheriffs department ( her boyfriend was 5 years older ). He was charged with statutory rape,we had to sign papers when they arrested him. Then things got really out of control. She got on the computer with him and his mother would call child services and report we were abusing our daughter. We found out we were being set up on those charges so we wouldn't press the statutory rape charge, they tried to have a bargining chip you drop the statutory rape charge and she would say we weren't abusing her. The sherriffs department also found out our daughter was lying on her parents and the investagator filed an unruly child charge on our daughter.She was placed in juvenile court. We loved our daughter so much we keep telling the judge we want to keep her.The judge kept telling us its not safe to have her live with you , she has two younger teenage brothers if she tells lies on you'll she will start telling them on her brothers . she will try anything to get  her way. We kept telling the judge we wanted to keep her that we could never stop loving her. So we hired her a lawyer to try to get the unruly child charge dropped. We tried to get counsilling but the mental health center turned us down. They stated it would be against our daughters intrest. The judge ordered family counsiling there but they refused to see us as a family or individually .But we did have a social worker come into the home once a week. But it turned out not to help. Then 2 weeks before her next court date on the unruly child charge, she went to school and called the mental health center and told her dad said he was going to kill her. The social worker came for her visit and asked her does your parents know what you said she told the social worker don't tell them the social worker said yes I am going to tell them.I asked her what did she say.The social worker told me. I told our daughter why did you say that. She replied I don't like what you'll are doing with my boyfriend. I told her its out of our hands the state has got him on that charge and besides we weren't the ones that reported it. You see when she first started telling that we were abusing her , her dad had 2 bad heart attacks, and a team of cardioligists at  St.Thomas hospital said his heart was badly damaged and if he had another one he wouldn't live through it, thats one reason the judge said it wasn't safe having her live with us,the judge had the doctors reports.But I just couldn't think of her not living with us untill that night. She was always closest to her dad than she was me and I couldn't figure out why she told stuff on him and not me because I was the more stricter parent,then a friend told me shes using him to get back at you. She lost her boyfriend and she wants to take her dad from you. She never had any remorse about him having the heart attacks. She watched when he was med-flighted to St Thomas hospital. Me and her younger brothers thought we wouldn't see him alive again .I collapsed on the parking lot when the chopper left. I didn't want to go through that again.I went outside crying when I found out she was telling her dad said he was going to kill her and her 2 younger brothers was outside. They both told me mom its time you made the decision if she stays or not. The social worker left,and I called the youth pastor at our church and asked him what he thought I should do. He told me everyone in the church has tried to help her and she refuses any help.And all I can tell you is call the investagator and let her take her into states custody. So when I hung up the phone the department of childs services called and told me, they knew what she had told and for us to keep her for the night and come up and talk to the judge the next morning.We did and the judge put her into states custody. That was a year ago 0ctober 7. That was the roughest day I have ever went through. She is in States custody untill she gets 25. They call it post custody after they turn 18, which she turned 18 on April 09.2006 She won't talk to us, I saw her May 19,2006 when she graduated high school but we haven't spoke since. I am very upset because I feel we were cheated I feel like something else could have been done besides us losing our daughter. Theres not a second that goes by she is not on my mind. I wonder what shes doing ,and wheres shes at, who shes with. All the State tells me is shes 18 now and we cant make her contact you. But an update on her boyfriend , the charge of statutory rape is still pending,and he has 2 more felonies now . He was attending college becoming a parametic and he held a gun on on of his teachers because she wouldn't let him make up a test grade. And the ambulance service he worked at fired him. The other charge was with another teacher I don't know what he did to that one. All I do know is HOW MUCH I MISS MY DAUGHTER.

Eventually your daughter will show remorse, and come and ask forgiveness.  I am Christian too, and don't believe there can possible be anyone with such a cold heart that will never as for forgiveness for all she has put you through.  Find joy in your other children.  Pray, and keep the faith, Open your home to other church members that may be having similar problems.  There are problems just about everywhere with kids today, where you least expect it.

 

God Bless you and your family.

 
October 11, 2006, 2:45 pm CDT

Divorcing your kids....

My mom divorced two of her children, my sister and brother.  Nothing drastic happened to cause this.  They were both regular children in their teens.  This was many years ago. 

 

Mom has told countless lies to family and friends that have included my siblings and me, even to total strangers.  Her betrayal of her own children is so strange to me as I am now a mom. 

 

She moved far away from me a few years ago and did not tell me she moved.  The one thing she did teach me is that she is consistently inconsistent.  I now have anxiety whenever the subject of my mom comes up.  I can no longer have her in my life.  The repercussions of it are just too much for me to deal with. 

 

Thank goodness for my wonderful sisters.  We share the good and the bad history of it all.  I am so lucky to have them. 

 
October 12, 2006, 2:02 am CDT

I felt like this at one time

It was so rediculous for me to have felt that way.  But, I was holding onto past hurts and seemed like everything was crashing in around me.  I was very overwhelmed and the pressure was  so

incredible.  Then, I came to my senses --- like I hope this mother would be willing to do.  I don't have custody right now.  Yet, I am clinging on to the little bit of visitation with my children [every other weekend] as if it were buried treasure/gold.  You don't know what you have until you lose it. 

I now know what I have.  I knew it then, yet I let the controlling nature of my former spouse and my children's second former controlling husband dictate my existence.  I needed to heal from some deep emotional scars and not take it out on my boys.  It took the tough love coming from both of my parents/boys grandparents help me realize the most important things in life are not

things, but good solid and strong bonds/relationships......now, I have that and intend to keep it.  I hope these parents get their act together before others step in and do their parenting for them.

 
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