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Topic : Living Together

Number of Replies: 1608
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Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:07:28 pm
Author : dataimport
Cohabitation is sometimes a smart (and economical!) way to learn about your compatibilities before taking the plunge. How is living together working for you?

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July 26, 2005, 4:53 pm CDT

Confused

I have been dating my boyfriend for 15 months. I am 32 and he is 41. I was married once, for 3 years. He's never been married. My relationship with him is 10x's better than my marriage. We have told each other we love each other, and since our first date, have spent every weekend together. Last year, he invited me back home with him for 2 weeks, for Christmas. After our one year mark passed, I asked him if he saw a future for us. He told me he would be upfront (as he was when we first started dating, but I wasn't thinking marriage then anyway),  that he didn't feel like he needed to get married. His reasons are: He's already 41, set in his ways, he's afraid of disappointing, financial reasons, doesn't think he's good at sex, and thinks he would irritate another person by his living habits of staying up late, spending time alone. When I told him that HE is making the decision for ME by saying that, he said he never thought of it that way, and opened his mind to my statement. His mom left him, his sister and brother when they were 8, 10, and 12. They were raised by their father, seeing their mother once in a while. His two siblings are now married, but only within the last 4 years. When I asked him if living together is out of the question, he said no, definitely not. He lives alone and is struggling financially. He said all he thinks about is work and how he can try to get it together. He is always talking about things for us to do in the future like visiting his family, going fishing, etc. We have a beautiful, respectful relationship. He is the most gentle man I've ever met and he always validates my feelings. We never fight. We may have a slight argument, but we handle it maturely. He is the most honest man I've ever met as well. He's very sweet and shy. I love him so much it hurts. My question is: What is your opinion on everything I've told you? This relationship is too good and too precious to me to throw away, just because my concerns about us ever getting married are in my head. I don't even know if this worry is being caused by the pain of my first marriage not working out. I'm just confused.
 
July 28, 2005, 7:48 am CDT

If I had it to do over again...

My bf and I have lived together for nearly 4 years now, I'm 47 and he's 50, but if I had it to do over again, I'd just date or spend weekends cohabitating!

When we first started dating, I thought here is the most honest upfront guy, holds nothing back, wow, I didn't have that in my marriage of 23 years. We had a great time, the kids all got along great, all was wonderful. We moved in together and silly me had visions of getting remarried and he just kept saying, I'm not ready for that or I need to be sure before we do that..the blow comment was I want to be sure you're the one. That hurt..alot. It certainly made me back off and rethink my position. Increasingly I felt the need to stay 'single'.

Lo and behold ON our 3 year anniversary early in the morning there was a knock at the door, with a woman standing there..asking for him. He came back from the door white as a ghost holding papers, even with sleepy eyes, I could see they were DIVORCE papers. I didn't have a CLUE that he was married. You could have knocked me over with a feather!!!!! They had been married for 3 1/2 years, she disappeared after 4 mo. of marriage, and he'd never heard from her again until that day.

After a blur of lawyers he was divorced in 6 weeks. He just thought she'd fall off the face of the earth I guess.LOL

NOW  he's all into let's get married blah blah blah, and I have no interest what so ever. He took the 'us' out of trust and it's something I can't get past. I've bought a house with only my name on it, we still live together, altho I sometimes really wonder why..

 

 

 
August 3, 2005, 2:41 pm CDT

Trust

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3+ years of those 3 years we have lived together for roughly 2 1/2. I thought I knew like the back of my hand and that we had no secrets until the past 6 months when I found websites on our computer for sex sites and websites where you can chat with other so called "singles" or involved ppl about getting together possibly for sex or just have cyber sex. I have confronted him once about it and he told me that it was him being bored that he would never cheat on me and that I dont need to worry if I trust him, but that he wasnt going to go on them again since I asked him not too. Well the other day the sites appeared on the computer again and this time there is more than just one. Im not sure what to do. Please someone help me give me some advice. I love him with all my heart and I know he wouldnt physically cheat on me but all the websites bother me I dont see what the problem is. Is he bored with me? Am I not enough? All of these woman on the sites are much skinnier and prettier than I am and I just dont think that I measure up to that. Please someone help!!!
 
September 2, 2005, 3:28 pm CDT

Living Together

Quote From: tutucute

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3+ years of those 3 years we have lived together for roughly 2 1/2. I thought I knew like the back of my hand and that we had no secrets until the past 6 months when I found websites on our computer for sex sites and websites where you can chat with other so called "singles" or involved ppl about getting together possibly for sex or just have cyber sex. I have confronted him once about it and he told me that it was him being bored that he would never cheat on me and that I dont need to worry if I trust him, but that he wasnt going to go on them again since I asked him not too. Well the other day the sites appeared on the computer again and this time there is more than just one. Im not sure what to do. Please someone help me give me some advice. I love him with all my heart and I know he wouldnt physically cheat on me but all the websites bother me I dont see what the problem is. Is he bored with me? Am I not enough? All of these woman on the sites are much skinnier and prettier than I am and I just dont think that I measure up to that. Please someone help!!!

  

  

 You did not mention you ages, so my guess is your over 18, but under 35. 

  

   The fact he did this a second time?  No respect for you and your wishes.  It does not disturb him enough to stop.  Your posting about it, which means your upset by it.  So that makes it cheating. 

  

  You have 2 options.  Both of which involve moving out.  It's the only thing that will get his attention- and if you choose not to do that-- like rent a room for a month in another location, parents, and girlfriend, whatever.  Then your not going to get his attention and waste more years of your life on a guy who's porn is more important to him than you.    

  

 It's nice you love him, but it does not take a guy 3+ years to figure out if your keeper or not.  

that's another problem.. he's a GUY... not a MAN.. Big difference!   Why should he respect you anyway?  You'll just roll over to keep the comfort zone-- HE has got nothing to worry about.  

 
September 2, 2005, 3:32 pm CDT

Hard lessons

Quote From: natalie878

My bf and I have lived together for nearly 4 years now, I'm 47 and he's 50, but if I had it to do over again, I'd just date or spend weekends cohabitating!

When we first started dating, I thought here is the most honest upfront guy, holds nothing back, wow, I didn't have that in my marriage of 23 years. We had a great time, the kids all got along great, all was wonderful. We moved in together and silly me had visions of getting remarried and he just kept saying, I'm not ready for that or I need to be sure before we do that..the blow comment was I want to be sure you're the one. That hurt..alot. It certainly made me back off and rethink my position. Increasingly I felt the need to stay 'single'.

Lo and behold ON our 3 year anniversary early in the morning there was a knock at the door, with a woman standing there..asking for him. He came back from the door white as a ghost holding papers, even with sleepy eyes, I could see they were DIVORCE papers. I didn't have a CLUE that he was married. You could have knocked me over with a feather!!!!! They had been married for 3 1/2 years, she disappeared after 4 mo. of marriage, and he'd never heard from her again until that day.

After a blur of lawyers he was divorced in 6 weeks. He just thought she'd fall off the face of the earth I guess.LOL

NOW  he's all into let's get married blah blah blah, and I have no interest what so ever. He took the 'us' out of trust and it's something I can't get past. I've bought a house with only my name on it, we still live together, altho I sometimes really wonder why..

 

 

  

  

 WOW.... 

  

  

   Hey, your house is in your name only, and now it's his turn.  I am very proud of you for not getting any more "legally' involved with that  "Guy" he's no man.   Thought his marriage would just fade away?  OMG !    You know keep him for sex, while you look for something better, and make sure you wittle away moving his stuff out.  So he has no legal claim to living there.  A storage is a fine idea for all of his "Clutter".   Glad you did not get burned by marrying that goof ! 

  

BRAVO ! 

 
September 2, 2005, 3:35 pm CDT

UN PLUG YOUR EARS !!

Quote From: ashley91

I have been dating my boyfriend for 15 months. I am 32 and he is 41. I was married once, for 3 years. He's never been married. My relationship with him is 10x's better than my marriage. We have told each other we love each other, and since our first date, have spent every weekend together. Last year, he invited me back home with him for 2 weeks, for Christmas. After our one year mark passed, I asked him if he saw a future for us. He told me he would be upfront (as he was when we first started dating, but I wasn't thinking marriage then anyway),  that he didn't feel like he needed to get married. His reasons are: He's already 41, set in his ways, he's afraid of disappointing, financial reasons, doesn't think he's good at sex, and thinks he would irritate another person by his living habits of staying up late, spending time alone. When I told him that HE is making the decision for ME by saying that, he said he never thought of it that way, and opened his mind to my statement. His mom left him, his sister and brother when they were 8, 10, and 12. They were raised by their father, seeing their mother once in a while. His two siblings are now married, but only within the last 4 years. When I asked him if living together is out of the question, he said no, definitely not. He lives alone and is struggling financially. He said all he thinks about is work and how he can try to get it together. He is always talking about things for us to do in the future like visiting his family, going fishing, etc. We have a beautiful, respectful relationship. He is the most gentle man I've ever met and he always validates my feelings. We never fight. We may have a slight argument, but we handle it maturely. He is the most honest man I've ever met as well. He's very sweet and shy. I love him so much it hurts. My question is: What is your opinion on everything I've told you? This relationship is too good and too precious to me to throw away, just because my concerns about us ever getting married are in my head. I don't even know if this worry is being caused by the pain of my first marriage not working out. I'm just confused.

  

  

  What part of  " I'm not ready to get married" Don't you get ?   This is a MAN, a real one.  Someone who knows he needs more than just a live in honey to make a home.  He's from the old school, and if you want to keep him-- You better back off the "Bicycle Built for Two".  (It's a song about getting married poor )  let him  

  

 "When I asked him if living together is out of the question, he said no, definitely not. He lives alone and is struggling financially. He said all he thinks about is work and how he can try to get it together." 

  

   LISTEN TO HIM !!!!  

 
September 7, 2005, 6:11 am CDT

Liveing together

Ok so heres the deal me and my boyfriend have been together for a while now and i love him and everything hes boughten me a promise ring for i accepted it in love and were living together with my mom right now because shes haveing medical problems right now and she needs people around but heres my problem he sleeps ALL the time ....we can be sitting at the computer together or watching a movie or cuddleing and talking and he will fall asleep i dont know how to talk to him about it because whenever he asks me why im mad im like baby you keep falling asleep and he always replys with a no im not like even this morning i decided to get up with him and spend time with him before he went to work ...of course not i ended up playing playstation 2 while he slept on the couch waiting for his brother to pick him up other then the sleeping problem i couldnt ask for a better man he makes my life so complete and ive already been pregnant by him but unfourtantly i ended up loseing the baby but ..im so afraid that if i get pregnant again that when i do have the baby he wont hear the baby in the middle of the night and stuff like that i have no idea on what to do someone help me
 
September 7, 2005, 9:33 am CDT

I know the feeling!

Quote From: tutucute

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3+ years of those 3 years we have lived together for roughly 2 1/2. I thought I knew like the back of my hand and that we had no secrets until the past 6 months when I found websites on our computer for sex sites and websites where you can chat with other so called "singles" or involved ppl about getting together possibly for sex or just have cyber sex. I have confronted him once about it and he told me that it was him being bored that he would never cheat on me and that I dont need to worry if I trust him, but that he wasnt going to go on them again since I asked him not too. Well the other day the sites appeared on the computer again and this time there is more than just one. Im not sure what to do. Please someone help me give me some advice. I love him with all my heart and I know he wouldnt physically cheat on me but all the websites bother me I dont see what the problem is. Is he bored with me? Am I not enough? All of these woman on the sites are much skinnier and prettier than I am and I just dont think that I measure up to that. Please someone help!!!

It's like they are drawn to the sites.  I actually hacked into my bf's email and found some very interesting things.  IT's NOT YOU, IT's HIM!  No matter what you say or do, he will never change his habits.  There is something "missing" iside of him.  They will lie straight to your face and never bat an eye.  I had proof mine was messing around with many girls on the Internet.  I found screen stills that show a girl performing various acts on herself and in the background was a copy of an email he was composing to me! HAH! Needless to say, my first thought was NOT that he was not cheating!  He would say, "just ask me if you want to know."  So, I did.  He denied all of it.  Said they were "cyber" friends!  Gee, that's a close friend that will show you her poo-nah-nee on the webcam!  Was he giving her advice on a strange mole growth???  I simply said, "I think I'll get me some of those "cyber" friends myself."  I'm just thankful that I said I would never sell my house until I was married.  Remember, the only person you can truly rely on is YOU!    

  

And I don't care how they rationalize it, it's cheating.  If they are doing something that they feel they have to hide, then it's cheating!   

  

Quit breaking yourself down and break it off.   

 
September 9, 2005, 10:07 am CDT

Need Perspective

My fiancé (as of July 1, 2005) and I have been together for almost four years; he is divorced from a woman who has a daughter from a previous relationship; although their marriage was short lived, he apparently bonded with the child; I recently found out that I had been mislead for quite some time about the amount of contact between the three of them; I had no idea until I saw the cell phone bill copies that there were calls back and forth every day (except weekends) and that the number of calls made ranged anywhere from 3-10 on any given day; when I confronted him about it, I was told that all of this communication was always regarding the child, but I find it hard to understand what there is to call about that many times a day about a (now) eleven year old; the entire time we have been together, the ex-wife has always felt free to call and ask him for money for whatever they needed (birthdays, clothes, holidays, etc.) and the “separate family issue” has been an ongoing battle for me for several years now; last week I told him that, since I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, that I wanted his communication to be with the child only, that I saw no reason for he and his ex to talk every day; he agreed and told me the next day that it was all handled; keep in mind that he supposedly had the same conversation with her about a year and a half ago; I feel like I have gone above and beyond where all of this is concerned, I’ve never allowed myself to confront her, although I’ve let him know in no uncertain terms exactly the way I feel about both of them; the child acts like a total brat and speaks very disrespectfully to him every time we’ve ever had her for the weekend, and the ex will obviously take every dime she can get; he is a good hearted person, and maybe he doesn’t see how he’s being taken advantage of, or perhaps there are some unresolved issues between them; but the bottom line is that his devotion to them is killing our relationship; I love him, but I don’t feel that I can trust him where they’re concerned and I don’t want to have to check behind him for the rest of my life; I would welcome someone else’s perspective on this…
 
September 9, 2005, 8:09 pm CDT

HE JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!

Quote From: trinket

  

  

  What part of  " I'm not ready to get married" Don't you get ?   This is a MAN, a real one.  Someone who knows he needs more than just a live in honey to make a home.  He's from the old school, and if you want to keep him-- You better back off the "Bicycle Built for Two".  (It's a song about getting married poor )  let him  

  

 "When I asked him if living together is out of the question, he said no, definitely not. He lives alone and is struggling financially. He said all he thinks about is work and how he can try to get it together." 

  

   LISTEN TO HIM !!!!  

Honey, he's into you, just not that into you! Living together is one thing, marriage is a whole other! He likes you to be around, maybe help financially, but he may never marry you. Some people are just that way. They don't want to be married. He may be with you til you die, he just doesn't want to be married! I am not saying I am right or wrong. Just my opinion! 

  

 
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