Topic : Love Being Single

Quote From: snowyblues

  

At 44 years of age, I am single for the first time in my life.  25 years ago (at age 19) I went from the home of my parents into the home of the man I married.  I never before experienced what was like to do everything completely by myself,  shovel snow, take care of my car, fix something that breaks, take care of myself when I am sick... worry about what I would do if something bad happened to me .....etc etc. 

  

I've been on my own for only 8 months and have to admit it is not as bad as I thought it would  be.  I love my Independence!   I have not started dating yet as I am still healing from a bad marriage, but I manage doing what needs to be done, and feel good that I can do it on my own.  Financially I am surviving just fine and look forward to the day of owning my own home again and the fact that I only have myself to answer to.   One day not to long ago when I was feeling depressed and sorry for myself about not having a man in my life I heard a very profound statement that really shook me out of my depression. 

  

Romance is something that our parents society has trained us to THINK we need. 

Need I say more?? 

 

 

 

  

Quote From: merlin2002

"I know that there are good men out there but I think they're already married. Like one of my lady co-workers once said(we worked retail), "All of the men who are not married after 30 are the ones on clearance, the ones no one else wants". It seems all of the good ones are taken early. I am 36 and all I ever got were momma's boys and mooches. Now the older I am getting the momma's boys are getting older. I know one at work, 47, no kids, never married, living with mom in her 80s." Well this must say a lot or maybe very little about me and about your sense of judgement. : ) I'm 47, straight, selfsupporting and without dependents and any emotional baggage AND I'M SINGLE!! : ) Happiness, to me is a state of mind. It doesn't matter whether one is single or whether one is in a relationship, happiness can be experienced and maintained in both scenario's. Happiness is a CHOICE..it's simply what we choose as a state of mind and feeling. It does not depend on another, yet it can be SHARED. I'm single and happy...actually divorced and happy. Been divorced for twenty one years. I have been in other relationships. Some short term, some long term. The longest was 11 years which ended in 2000, when my partner left me for a business partner. Since then I've had a long distance Intercontinental relationship ( between her America and my South Africa! ) It's really too far apart and too costly to continue this relationship sucessfully, so I'm Single again. All that I can say about my own thoughts, feelings and understandings according to my own experiences, is that each relationship has taught me more about MYSELF. Each partner was chosen by MYSELF and if their was abuse and disappointments, I MYSELF allowed it to be inflicted upon myself. And the abuse was really more about my partners own pains of her / their childhood or previous relationship abuses. At first, I really couldn't understand why I was mixing with women whom would "hurt and disappoint me". The truth was that I really attracted those kind of women wishing that they would make me and my life complete and more loving and secure...and they couldn't do that for me...they couldn't even do it for themselves...and neither could I. They all somehow showed me this over and over again til i finally "Got It!" : ) The last relationship really hurt me badly. Through the breakup and the depression that followed, I lost my business and my home and all the contents. At the same time my mother was dying of Emphasema and my younger brother of Cancer. Both died that year along with 2 of my cats. I kind of viewed the world and life and women as hostile and insensitive. All women as something evil and cold. Much like I guess many women view all men. But the real issue was not the breakup of this relationship..it REALLY had more to do with the breakup 15 years earlier when I lost my son aged 5 months to SIDS and my wife to the aftermath post traumatic stress. Well I kind of lost everything there too at the age of 25. Marriage and family and home and all the contents through the same depression! And it was this that affected all my other relationships ahead until now. It was because I held that guilt, shame,hurt and anger of the "Abandonment" and carried this emotional burden with me to each and every other relationship! After the final breakup, I became depressed and eventually went for Reiki Healing and some councelling. I slowly started to see the bigger picture in my own life, and my world started changing dramatically as I slowly started empowering myself and taking conscious responsibility for my own choices and actions. So I've come out of it... at first very afraid and scared, emotionally and psycholigically scarred and wobbly, but really ok and fine. : ) Time heals hurts and wounds. At 47 and single I'm now much more experienced and the wiser and emotionally and financially secure. No woman can disappoint me ....simply because I no longer hold any expectations of them to secure or to love me. : ) I love women...love to admire their beauty, charm, elegance, grace, sex appeal. I love the femininity that complements my Aries nature and masculinity. I Love to be around and with women and in their energy. They in turn seem to love being around me and my energy too. : ) I'm no moocher, and no woman player either. I'm not single because I'm some kind of a freak that noone wants. I'm single because I love LIFE and LOVE and the freedom it offers me. To Me, LiFE is the masculine living energy and LoVE is the feminine Loving energy and one can see how nice they fit together..the "i" and the "o" were made as a perfect match fit for experiencing Life and Love : ) If one day I meet 'my match' and she's "the one", I will without a doubt share my life, heart and soul with her. And she will be emotionally secure in herself. She will be loving herself. She will be taking good care of herself. She will be empowered in herself to know that I am 'the one for her' too. And in the meantime, I will be my happy single self. I will be enjoying my life and natural environment that surrounds me wherever I am. And I have a great relationship with a cute cuddly kitty to cuddle, snuggle and dote on too.. : ) In closing my sermon ( lol ), I just want to say that whether one is in a physical relationship or not...love to oneself first is the key to real and secure happiness. A relationship is just that, it's a relationship. It can be shared with family, or friends or strangers....even animals and insects and plants! It's really more about how we conduct and present OURSELVES to the world with all it's elements and inhabitants at large. And within that universally large arena there's also place for a happy symbiotic and synergistic relationship with another of likemind! And when two come together in synergy, a 3rd force is created that exponentiates the two individuals at their prime and peak. And I believe that it's really there for all of us that choose Happiness and Love, before we choose a wishful partnership in the hope that it's going to be a happy and loving relationship. If we know what we want and why we want it, then we'll get what we want, because we'll take the steps to create and manifest it. The first step to a happy and secure relationship is a happy and secure relationship with oneself and with ones environment. That is my understanding, and that is the way I choose to lead my life and to conduct myself and my choices and decisions. There's different strokes for different folks...and as the good ole doctor says " Choose what works best!" : )

Quote From: zakksmomm

Like one of my lady co-workers once said(we worked retail), "All of the men who are not married after 30 are the ones on clearance, the ones no one else wants". It seems all of the good ones are taken early. I am 36 and all I ever got were momma's boys and mooches. Now the older I am getting the momma's boys are getting older. I know one at work, 47, no kids, never married, living with mom in her 80s.

Quote From: sylvia103

Thanks so much for writing. I was starting to wonder if I was invisible on the board. LOL 

  

I know exactly what you mean. That's funny/sad/true about the "clearance rack" and what you said about being stuck with either mama's boys and mooches...boy can I relate! That's exactly what I got too. I married a mama's boy but when that ended I found myself engaged to a mooch. I paid all of the bills, did all of the housework, including his laundry and cleaning up after him. Dating him just felt like I had another kid. But my kids are much more mature. Then when he started drinking too on top of that I couldn't take it anymore. It's been nearly 8 months since I kicked him out and he still won't let go. 

  

Why can't some people accept that when you say no you mean no and not yes or "maybe if you stalk me enough I'll change my mind!" 

  

I feel like I AM a Dr Phil show. I was married to a shopaholic mama's boy, dated an alcoholic mooch, had a plethora of inlaw problems, and now the mooch still can't/won't take no for an answer.  

  

I guess I am partly to blame.  He knew he had a good deal with free rent, free food, a cook, (me), no bills, a maid (me), a slave (me again) and a girlfriend (me) who he could take advantage of and walk all over like a doormat . 

  

No more of that. 

Quote From: merlin2002

I believe that everything in life (including humans) follows the path of least resistence. Like a river will meander itself effortlesly downhill simply because this is the easiest path, we humans too meander our way through life on the easiest course. If the course is somehow blocked we will also push against it and either be contained by the blockage or we'll carve and create another path.If we allow moochers to mooch off us, they'll be mooching off us. If we don't allow them, they won't be able too! I find it amusing that we don't think twice about swatting a mosquito or squishing a flea that parasitically feeds off us, yet somehow we pity pathetic human leeches/ moochers and emotional energy vampires! I had to chuckle to myself on reading this line, "I paid all of the bills, did all of the housework, including his laundry and cleaning up after him." This sounds so much like an ex experience of mine, in which an ex paid all the bills with MY money and did all the housework and laundry etc because she was a compulsive cleaner and WANTED TO! : ) I was quite alright with getting a maid to do this work for me/ US, and paying them with MY money, yet she WANTED to do this herself and INSISTED upon it! I'm not saying this is the same scenario for you, I'm just sharing the humour of my experiencings. Being single is great in that we answer to noone and take full responsibility of our own actions and choices. Yet we can have and take this freedom and responsibility to a relationship as well. I don't want to control another or to be in a struggle trying to free myself from anothers control. I'm generous, so sharing and giving comes naturally..yet it'll never again come at a price of another "paying my bills" and "cleaning up after me". There needs to be clear communication and complementation rather than assumations and competitions. You ask, "Why can't some people accept that when you say no you mean no and not yes or "maybe if you stalk me enough I'll change my mind!" ". I would suggest that when a no MEANS NO, then it'll have the desired effect. And that may mean locking the door behind him and changing the locks and not giving into his sympathetic / pathetic pleas! Noone deserves this kind of a life, ( not even the moocher, himself!! ) and we all have the power to end it and start a new one. I was in an abusive relationship too...and that just led me to empower myself and respect myself more. If another is using us as a doormat, well then we're really lying down for them to step on and over us. It's really for us to say NO more to doormatting...and yes to more selfrespecting and empowering! Why support a mooch? What's wrong with sharing with and symbiotically supporting a sensible hardworking, selfrespecting guy? And please don't tell me there's none out there...there's really only none if we're not making the room for one. And how can one make room when we've leeching together with moochers and mommaboys? I'd suggest that you consciously raise your own levels of selfrespect and deservability and kick the damn moocher out and open yourself to a more rewarding and complementary friendships/ relationships. Everything resonates in harmony, and if we're tuning into a certain frequency, we're going to be picking up that signal and experience. And we can tune out of a frequency and into another as simple as it is to self tune a radio or TV. What station do you want? What do you choose?Drama?, Comedies of Errors?, Love and Romance? Whatever it is, tune into it and you can have it. You / We are already doing it anyway, you know? But there's really no good sense in tuning into a drama and complaining that there's no romance... tune into another channel..there where the romance or whatever else it may be, is. Life is here for us to be lived in any manner we may choose to experience it. And it's only ourselves that create our own living realities as experiences. It's as easy to create a heaven as it is to create a hell. Happiness and joy is as easy to create as it is to create misery and struggle. So why not simply choose heaven and happiness, you know? Best Wishes forwards....

Quote From: sylvia103

Thanks for writing again.  

  

Well he has been out of the house since July 4th. The police took the key away from him and gave it to me. He was told that if he came back, he would be arrested for trespassing. He did come back to pick up his car because he was too drunk to drive when they removed him from my house. As soon as he showed up, the police were there. I don't know how they got there so quickly or knew to do come. I am so impressed with them. 

  

I am happy. Right now I don't think I have time to be in a relationship. I think I will find a good man someday though. In the meantime I am happy on my own. I now know I don't need a man to be happy. 

Quote From: merlin2002

Well Done!!! : ) There is so much peace and beauty in solitude. It's maybe time now for you to be with YOU and others whom respect and appreciate you. The time will come when you may want to date again, and hopefully you wont be taking the emotional pains of this relationship with you. Not all men are moochers or even remotely close or the same. And I know that the same goes for women too. We're all really Individuals and in our own uniquenesses. My philosophy in life is that we all really deserve the best of what we're prepared to accept. If we hold a beliefsystem that suggests we deserve less than the best, well then we'll attract and experience less than the best. It just kinda works that way. It's also really about not just settling for second grade ( or less ) goods or experiences. If we want something that we believe that we deserve, we can create that experience or an avenue that leads to it. It just works that way..and sometimes we simply need to be patient while the energies align themselves for that experience. And while we're being so patient, we can amuse ourselves with other hobbies or things that bring us enjoyment. Happiness attracts happy experiences. A smile attracts smiles and happy people...ever notice this? Try it and you'll see what I mean! : ) And you have plenty to smile about...YOU'RE FREE to be your awesome Self again!!! Ah sometimes we can lose ourselves in relationships. We can become too much of what the other expects us to be. And that can really suck. In taking time out and relating back to ourselves, we get to know the real us again...that carefree spirit that loves to laugh and smile and play. We're all really children at heart...innocent and carefree and adventurous. One can simply go there by thinking back to days when we kicked balls around the park or chased butterflies etc... nothing mattered except the moment of fun and happiness! We can still conjure up those memories and feelings of whom we truly are. There's a whole life ahead of us to decide our next choices of experiences. ..It's maybe time to relax and recover the strength and vitality for the next chosen adventure. And we don't need to choose the same roller coaster rides over and over. Life's playground is like an amusement park..there's plenty of other things and rides besides just an emotional roller coaster ride ! In times ahead, we get to see that these 'negative' past experience are necessary for us to grow and to empower ourselves from the old experiences and belief systems.You'll undoubtedly get to accept it as an experience that led you to self empowerment and selfrespect. You'll look back on it and cringe and also laugh..Yeah, you'll laugh about it...about how absurd it was to choose to settle for what you thought you really deserved at that time. We grow from these experiences to realize that we all deserve so much more..that life and love has so much more to offer...that whatever we choose, we get to experience! And that is the simplest truth in this...we get to experience what we choose to believe in. And if we somehow (subconsciously or consciously) believe that we deserve to be treated like trash, well others will be there for us as trash cans or trash collectors. And if we believe that we deserve respect and empowered love, we'll not be able to be treated as trash...we'll be truly respected, admired and loved. You're so correct in saying that one doesn't need a partnering wo/man to be happy...but also one doesSn't need to avoid wo/men to be happy either. Happiness is really a choice... a choice of a feeling and a frame of mind..and we can do that alone and we can also do that with others. For sure, we cannot be just happy all the time..there will be times when we're gonna be confronted with situations that try and test us..and we'll get to experience sadness..maybe envy..maybe anger or fear..all the denser emotions besides love itself. If we know what we're feeling and why, we'll pass through it quickly. We truly choose our frame of mind and feelings...we have a choice in every decision and experience. We never have to settle for anything less than what we truly deserve...and you / we all deserve happiness! We ALL do..even your ex-moocher! Yet it's really about what we choose for ourselves that brings us that experience to experience. If we look at any moocher or any whatever...we'll see that they too have the choice to raise themselves above their selfchosen experience. Moochers have choices to be workers and selfrespecting partners too..they just don't choose it for themselves. And that saying that beggars can't be choosers? Well beggars CAN be choosers..they CAN choose to work and not to beg. And you know what the ironic humour is? It's that without hosts enabling moochers and beggars, they would never exist as beggars and moochers! Think about it..if noone gave to beggars and moochers, what will they then do? They'll do what others do to survive and live, won't they? So yeah I don't give money and stuff to moochers and beggars... I give them hope for a better chosen life. By feeding a beggar and a moocher or a whatever disempowering victim mentality being, we keep them where they are. We don't empower them, we enable them. We can only empower them to really empower themselves. And by you kicking him out of his comfort zone of miserableness and dis(empowered)comfort, you're actually doing HIM and yourself a BIG favour!!! Yeah another host may take him in and enable him further...he may even wake up from here to smell the coffee and roses and start empowering himself...but it's really no longer about him at all..and in fact it NEVER WAS either. So yeah choose for yourself the very best, man! Choose to smile..choose happiness and great friendships. Forget the drama's..you've seen all the soapopera's already..surely experienced all the comedies of errors too..what about a wonderful adventure that contains a little drama, a little more humour and plenty of excitement and romance? It's all really a choice for you from here..well for us all, really! I'm wishing you soooo much happiness and love forwards. May it start today : ) Take care..and remember you also deserve the very best of life and love and all the joys and happinesses that it offers : )